My father cheated on my mom....?

miss m

You need to talk to your dad and tell him how you feel about what he did to your mom and the family and let him know how its affecting you. Then you need to stop blaming your boyfriend for your fathers indiscretions. Not everyone cheats.

asphyxia

you have to trust him and know that not all guys will be like your father . same thing with me . my parents are separated and it scared me so much that my marriage right now might end up the same way but then I saw how much my husband loves me and it's so unfair that i compare him to my father . since then i have not more fear and just happy with how things are now .

People screw up, your dad is human and you must forgive him. Did your mother forgive him? If she did then I'm sure you can too. As far as your boyfriend, you need to stop. You will drive him away if you continue, right now I'm sure he understands what your going through with your family but eventually he is going to expect you to get over it. Maybe you need to talk to a professional to deal with your feelings of fear and resentment, it may be the only way for you to get over it, its a hard one i'll admit, I've been there, but believe me, its doable. good luck

User103443

You already know what the problem is now just resist the urge to take it out on your boyfriend. They are two separate individuals and the actions of your father in no way relate to what your boyfriend will or won't do to you.

sokokl

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old and I had nightmares about it for years and years. Then when I was 21 I had a bit of a breakdown in that I finally realized how much the divorce of my parents affected me.

So I can empathize with you on the hurt feelings because of what your dad did to your mom.

I would encourage you to get some professional counseling so that you can talk this out and work it out so that it won't hurt as much although you will never forget what happened.

mama

I caught my dad cheating on my mom when I was in H.S. and I felt very much the same as you did. However, I have known my husband since 10th grade and have been married to him for 17 years this June. He has never cheated on me. Not all men are the same. First, you have to forgive your father and live your life. Second, please stop making your boyfriend pay for what your father did.
You need to go and talk to your dad, tell him what you just wrote here. That will be your first step in healing. You will get over this, in the meantime do not run your boyfriend off.
Good Luck.

djk

You need to appreciate the fact that your boyfriend is not guilty of the sins of your father. You are taking out your frustration with the situation on him and it is not fair. What you should do is seek counseling for yourself to deal with the problems that your parents relationship has caused for you. Acting out on your boyfriend will destroy your relationship if it does not stop, and you two apparently share a lot.

Brandiibaby

try to remember that he is not your father. if he is truly happy in the relationship, he will not cheat on you. treat each other with respect and love..it will all work out!

bumbl bee_BbBbZzZz

First of all. Just because your father cheated on your mother doesn't mean your boyfriend will cheat on you. Most couples can live together happily and basically if you think your boyfriend will cheat on you it means you don't trust him. You have to learn to trust him. Secondly you can't take out your anger on your boyfriend by picking arguments it isn't his fault your father cheated on your mother. Have you told your boyfriend about this if you haven't you have to. Express your feeling to him tell him and your father how you feel about this.

FaerieWhings

Listen, you have to seperate the two. Your boyfriend is NOT your father. You need to come to terms with that.

grace p

your boyfriend probably will not cheat on you. just don't worry about it and everything will be a okay

i hope you can get over it, it might help you in everything to relax

sandilp72

To start with you need to come to terms with what your father did. You need to forgive him for his actions even though he cheated on your mother those actions still affected you as his child.

It is not an easy process and you may even want to seek out a counselor to help you through the process.

I have included a link below that walks you through the steps to forgiveness.

Please jump on this and look carefully at the website to save your relationship and to keep your child from thinking in the same way that you have learned to think....that you can't trust your partner because they will eventually cheat on you...even if they never would.

You deserve a chance at happiness and this is your chance so please take it.

T Tyme

It is normal for women to hold their companions to their father's standards. Ex: a girl who grew up with an abusive father is likely to get with an abusive man.
But you don't have to be that woman. You don't have to put your boyfriend on your father's diving board. Your father jumped and instead of swimming he drowned, but that was HIS choice. And that's exactly what cheating is. It is a choice. Trust is another choice. You need to choose to trust him and he has to choose whether or not he will cheat. There are no gaurantees in life. The only thing we are guaranteed is death!! We will all die. So with that said you have to take a leap of faith. Taking that leap means exposing yourself to pain. It is accepting the fact that you could be hurt in the process, but believing that you won't. You said you want to marry this man and in order to want marriage you have to feel that. I'm sorry about your father's actions, but everthing happens for a reason. The favor will be in your mother's corner. Be there for her. And by all means love that man of yours!!! Forgive your father too. Forgiving people will only help you.

Renoirs_Dream

LOLâ€¦ You ALREADY gave in what he wanted. Now you want him to MARRY YOU? Just look at your WHOLE paragraph that you typed and ask yourself. â€œWHAT WAS I THINKING?â€

Now that you HAVE set yourself up with this situation here is what you need to doâ€¦.

YOU BOY FRIEND ISNâ€™T YOUR DADDY!!! Sounds like you have some OLD BAGGAGE you need to toss out of the brain and start LIFE CORRECTLY!!! Start being NICE to the guy. STOP being a NAG and thinking he is your father!!! You want to lose the dude or what?

Get a ring on your finger girl. Give your CHILD a FATHER and NOT a BOYFRIEND roll model. Donâ€™t you think your child will have even MORE confused issues by this?

ALL Iâ€™m hearing out of you is ME, ME, ME. Well it AINâ€™T ALL about you sister. Wisen up and start flyin right.

Lenore H

im sooooooooooooooooo sorry

ARTmom

First,every man (or woman) is a horse of a different color-your fears are wasting the time you could be having with someone who is NOT your father. Also, maybe you should talk to your father directly about it-tell him how you feel,ask him why. Ask him how he feels about it now. I know guys that think that all men cheat and think its OK. I know my husband wouldn't. He loves me and to be perfectly blunt-I'd leave him. We said a sacred vow together-he and I. For and with each other-I chose him because I could trust him. He and I have gone at it over 20 years but he's my best friend and my hero-if you have that-don't waste any more time alienating him and hurting something with stupid fears. Go live your life.

Taka

Wow. Alyssa, you just have to play it by ear. If you believe in something it will happen eventually. We are the creatures that control our destiny. Now this is not to say it wouldn't happen just because you believe it won't. But you believe so much may cause a seed to be planted in his head because you keep bringing it up. Confide in him about this thing with your dad. Tell him what's been going on in your head and that you are tired of yourself and are going to move on now. Then do it. Every time you catch yourself acting out your parents' past, stop yourself and do something to distract yourself. Something productive and creative.

goldwing

My advice is: If you want to loose your bf, just keep up your behavior...you are acting like a fool. What has your father's stepping out on your mother got to do with your boyfriend? Your father and mother's lives are theirs, not yours. Leave them out of the equation. If you want to pick fights to prove you are right, then you just go ahead and be miserable. Pick enough fights and your bf will say adios and head for greener hills. I strongly suggest you get some counseling about your anger issues. Your bf did not cause them, yet you are taking out your anger on him...not very nice.

marco_polo

your father is human what he did was unacceptable but all men are different...my bf is not your father and vice versa....talk to your father, ask him why it happened

myddad

your boyfriend is not your dad.

this may or may not happen with your boyfriend.

you have to trust the one your with.

and hope for the best

Always ready for anything

Well you need to stop thinking that every man will cheat just because your Dad cheatd on your MOM. Some men cheat because theya re unhappy at home and need some companionship that will listen to them. But for a good relationship or marriage to work there has to be communication, trust, and equality and most of all it need to always be nursured to stay strong. So don't worry seems like your is for real.

donaldleehackle

After 20 years of marriage I cheated on my wife and it cost me EVERYTHING. So now I am a 45 year old military retiree that fills my time by going to work and the gym and living alone with a cat. But I developed a "go forward and sin no more" approach to life. I love my ex and would do anything for her, but that is a lot of damage.....and I STILL believe that, my bad behavior aside, men and women are made to be with one man, and one woman. Lee.

lex

your standard of a successful relationship was based on your parents and you held them both in high moral esteem,to find out that your father is only human was a shock BUT this is and was their relationship and not yours,,you had the benefit of a secure and happy childhood and nothing can take that away and even though your world was rocked severely you have to have faith that your choices were and are good ones,no doubt your dad was mortified you found out but now you know he is just a man and he and your mother were obviously having problems,,they must have tried their best to hide these from you as you 'felt' nothing of their troubles.this shows they cared very much for your mental well-being and knew what this would do to you but you well know,people have problems within marriages as will you but to prove your partner no better than your father is counter productive,,you are causing yourself pain where there is none and you have to acknowledge that if you are happy you are happy,have faith in your relationship and let your parents have faith in theirs.you have a child now and have a responsibility to give him what you had,,a happy and secure childhood.take each day as it comes and if that day is a good one admit that for that day at least you were wrong to doubt him.the pain will lessen as your trust rebuilds itself and do allow your partner to be happy too.

countessdoors

I've been in the same boat.... But I know this: In regards to your parents, your Dad clearly messed up. There's no excuse for that. But him doing that is a sign that there were problems to begin with...this happened to my parents too. With your boyfriend, don't be naive/don't be blind to any things that don't look right, BUT don't jump to conclusions on things either. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to pay for your Dad's mistake. That doesn't mean that your boyfriend won't ever mess up, but if he hasn't and if he's not going to, he should be given the credit and trust that he deserves. If he ever does, don't waste time and kick him to the curb.

JenJen

Here is what I think. I think its great that you already recognize the fact that your father cheating has affected you in a negative way. Hopefully by now you have discussed your insecurties with your boyfriend and he is understanding. What you need to do is learn how to be trusting of him. Accept the fact that people do cheat on each other and it could happen. Don't let the fear take over the relationship, that could lead to him leaving you for being too jealous or insecure.

Donna D

You need to speak with your mom about this. I think you may be having some trust issues. Your parents marriage is just that, your parents' marriage. What happens between them is between them I feel badly that you know what happened between your parents, most parents try to protect their children rather than drawing them in. If your parents understand you I'm sure they will take you for some type of counseling before this lack of trust starts to show up in other areas of your young life. Please speak to your mom; I'm sure she will understand.
Best of luck

rightio

You are not a child. You are an adult and capable of thinking logically. Your father had an affair because of problems in the marriage....that is between your father and your mother to sort out. People dont usually cheat for the hell of it, they cheat because of problems they are experiencing. Parents will not usually involve their kids in their personal problems, so when this happens, the child becomes confused because they didnt see any problems in the marriage.....but you are not a child, and everything I am saying, you must already know. You also must know that not everyone is the same. You are causing you and your boyfriend undue stress....it is not warranted. Your boyfriend has given you no reasons to distrust him. If you love each other then you will treat each other well and the problems you will experience in your lives you will be able to talk about openly and honestly. Communication is the key to sorting out any problems in a relationship. If your boyfriend is sincere, which I believe he is, and you love him, then why are you doing this to yourself and to him. What your father did, was for a reason and like I said, that is between your mother and your father. You have a child with your boyfriend and it seems before you found out about your father's affair, you had a good relationship with your boyfriend. If you continue to not trust him based on what your father did, then you may just push him away. No-one likes to be accussed of something they have never done, nor never intend to do. Your boyfriend is not your father. The problems between your mother and your father are not yours and your boyfriends problems. You are two individuals who love each other...You are not you mother and your father.

Stop thinking so emotively and start using a bit of logic. You are blowing everything out of proportion and being quite illogical and your boyfriend is the one who is paying the price. Allow your mother and father deal with their relationship....and you deal with yours. Or else you can hide yourself away and never get involved with anyone ever again just in case your man cheats......How silly is that? I really think you are being silly and are not thinking clearly.

Put it into perspective and try to move past the hurt this has caused your family. Concentrate on making the relationship with your boyfriend a solid and loving one. Continue to accuse him needlessly and you will push him away eventually and if you make things to hard for him, then what you are afraid of, probably will happen. If you dont do the crime, why pay the time. If you keep on being so insecure and distrusting then whats the difference if he does the crime because he is being accused of it anyway.....You get my drift?

Take care and stop being so negative.

jinxed_pixie

My dad cheated on my mom throughout their entire 25 year marriage so i can understand where your coming from. You should try explaining it to you boyfriend and then maybe try talking to someone like a therapist. (sometimes just talking about to someone can help).
goodluck

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