My fiance called me his "ball and chain" to his friends. Would this hurt you?

scorned

I'm sorry girl, but you HAVE accepted it for 5 years. It's up to you to put an end to the relationship because he's not changing. That should be apparent by now.

When I first started reading this, I was thinking that maybe you were the "ball and chain" as I am to my husbands friends. I take it in stride because someone has to have common sense. I get called that by his friends all in jest and fun. But you have an entirely different situation that YOU have put up with for 5 years. There won't be any wedding unless you leave his *** and find someone decent.

Sorry, but true.

oracleofohio

I think your next post should start out with "My ex fiance"

Sera B

What do I think of all this . . . I have a few different thoughts.

Firstly, I don't believe smoking weed is wrong. I choose not to do it, but I don't think it should be illegal. I think a person should have a right to choose if he wants to smoke it or not, just as he has the right to choose if he wants to drink. My husband and I used to smoke it, and we still have some friends who smoke it. We decided to stop when we needed to look for "real" jobs. I must say, even though I don't think drinking or smoking weed is wrong, I am glad that my husband does not do it. Unless both people in the relationship do it on the same occasions, I think it tends to cause more harm than good in the relationship. In this case, one of you two need to make a decision. Either he needs to stop smoking it so much out of respect for you, or you need to accept that it is a part of who he is.

Okay, so he goes with his friends every night and doesn't invite you because he doesn't want to hear you complain. Now, just to let you know, I am a firm believer that in order to fix relationship issues, you have to look at both sides. I don't mean any harm here, but who WANTS to hear people complaining? Especially when the person complaining is a woman. We girls tend to hold on to something just for the sake of arguing about it. . . most poor guys don't stand a chance with that. So here is how it works: he leaves to spend time with his friends, you are upset (rightfully) that he isn't spending anytime with you so you tell him about it, he gets tired of you complaing so leaves again, you're upset again so you complain even more, he leaves even more . . . am I right? It's a viscious cycle that one of you needs to break or it will continue forever.

So, what do I think? I think that this relationship is destined for failure OR unhappiness. My personal oppinion is that life is too darn short for someone to be unhappy with their partner in life. You need to make a decision. You need to decide if you want this for you life . . . forever. Or, you can decide to accept him for who he is. But, and that's a big "but,", IF you choose to accept him for who he is, then you do not have the right to complain about those aspects of his life anymore because it wouldn't be fair to you or him.

There is nothing wrong with you having your beliefs and sticking to them by not being a part of those activities. I just think you two are complete opposites of each other. Unfortunately, I don't see him giving it up.

Okay, there is my non-judgmental oppinion. So, now I am going to judge. About the whole, "ball-and-chain" and "warden" comments, those are completely and utterly disrespectful to you and to your relationship. There is no room in a healty relationship for disrespect. Making those comments to or about you are like saying you are something to "deal" with rather than something he needs and wants in his life. Do you want to be "dealt" with? My husband called me his "Ole Lady" once and I very quickly let him know how that made me feel. Luckily my husband respects me enough to want to treat me well and make me happy. Now he simply says, "my wife."

Okay, I'm rambling. I think you get the point. Best of luck to you.

lyvia

You deserve so much better! You sound like a strong, independent woman. DUMP HIS ***

nikkindeet

He has no respect for you. Get out of the relationship now. It will only get worse over time. You will both become very resentful of each other over time.

bigbluetoo2

Warden, You need to move on And then you wont have this title Move out

Minnie P

Dating is just that ... dating. We date to see if this is the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. A man that respects you and wants to please you does not live the some way he did before you got together. There's is no respect here. Sell him your half of the house, move into your own place and find a man that respects you and doesn't smoke weed. Women we do not have to live with something just because it is already in motion or we feel we will be embarrassed. You must be happy too. Do you know there are kind non weed smoking men out there. Plus if he has time to smoke weed all day --- when is he working, who is bringing home the money. Please love yourself more than to put up with this. He is not your husband and even if he was that is not acceptable if it makes you unhappy. You are worth so much, really you are. A house does not make it a reason to stay together.

AKAO4D

I think you are a glutton for pain. I also believe marriage is an "AS IS" institution. What you see is what you get. You are getting a glimpse of what being married to this person is like. How's that vision working for you? Whenever someone tells me they want to marry someone, I always ask one question. I always ask "What would you change?" If the answer is anything but "Nothing" I tell them don't marry that person. So do you want to be a ball and chain for a person like the one you described? Remember he's referring to you this way and you're not even married yet. Honey move on and be happy.

Good luck on your journey...

morgancutie

Honestly, I think it is good you are finding this out before you get married. I would NOT marry this guy, and yes, It would hurt and concern me. He is not going to change if you get married - you deserve to be with someone with similar values, etc. Please consider leaving this guy now and move on. He sounds immature and not ready for a serious relationship.

mORbid FaSi Na TioN

I think you need to move out and get a new BF.
He is still too immature for you and you are living completely different lifestyles. There really is no relationship here.

Move out and move on!
You will be so much happier!

Desperatecollegestudent

You first have to realize that you deserve more than what he is giving you. If he is committed to a relationship with you, he should work with you, rather than against you. I think you should seperate from him for a while, maybe even break up with him, at least until he can get himself together enough to make your relationship better. You said it yourself, a lot of the time you aren't happy, why put up with something like that? Someone out there can make you happy, no reason to deal with some assh*le that doesn't see how amazing you are. Best of luck.

chevvyl

He is a loser., and a rubbish human being, dump him. If you don`t he will drag you down with him, and don`t say he won`t, because the fact your still with the no-mark means to me your heading that way already, Beats me what there is to love about this excuse for a man. Ask yourself this, would you like your daughter living with this no-mark? No! I did`nt think so. To be bothered about being called names is the least of your troubles. Get out of this sordid situation as soon as possible.

Brooke

Get rid of him.
What an idiot.
And you're an idiot for staying with him for so long.

LaLALALA

You sound so not happy do you think maybe it's time to call it over and done with! Calling you his ball and chain is just wrong on so many levels and leaving you at home with nothing to do is as well. Not to mention if you don't like drugs and he out doing them that's another problem. Him telling you that your boring o h@ll no!
If I was in your shoes and this was going on with me I would take this as a slap in the face if someone called me boring I would think what? So your friends is a better time than I am and so on.
This is not ok in a relationship!
It's up to you what your going to do about it either do something about it or just let it keep going on and stay unhappy a lot of the time. Life is short it goes by fast why waste it when you could be somewhere else and with someone else that makes you really happy.

karen2625

he's going to do what he wants so you can either walk away from him while he does his thing and then rejoin him in 20 minutes when he's done and lighten up a little. or you can throw the relationship in the toilet and find someone that is more on the straight and narrow. i wouldn't consider "ball and chain" a insult. i think it shows he at least he thinks about you. and not lookin at other woman. no one can tell you how you live your life. does he have a job and support his own habit or does he make you do it? you are headed down a rough spot in your life and you have to make these dicisions just keep your mind open and look at things from all aspects. good luck.

the_hedda_lettuce

Apparently you're going to be the responsible figure in this parent-child relationship.

You've been with this guy for the last 5 years and nothing has changed regarding the partying and his weed smoking friends.
I think you should have thought of that before buying a home with him.

I think you should speak with the finance officer that issued you guys the home loan and see what can be done regarding him being removed from the mortgage paperwork.

jehudnall

sounds to me you may want to rethink this marriage idea.I have a feeling its only going to get worse.It sounds to me that he doesn't want to grow up and he is putting himself before your wants and needs.If you get married and say have kids if he going to run around on you since you would be the responsible adult and taking care of the kids at home.As far as the ball and chain and saying your boring tells me he doesn't care about your feelings at all.Seriously think long and hard before you commit your life to this.Hope this helps

Sam

Give him a kick in the ***. You don't have to go through this because of people who don't deserve your love. Talk to him and tell him what you think. Say you're not happy with this and he has to respect your opinion. If not, it's not worth it. Better dump him now than live a life of unhappiness, while you could have made it differently.

Sweet Pea

My boyfriend is the same way. were going on 5 years, i dont smoke but he does all day every day. when i met him he did this and i have never asked him to change. you cant either.. you accepted him for who he is.. look at it as- he's not a bad person because he smokes, it's a "hobby" he does that you dont particularly care for. please please you are going to have to learn to accept this, or find somebody else. My bf has also called me the wench and ball n chain, it has hurt my feelings in the past but i know he didnt mean anything by it intentionally. it depends on how he says it. Some peoples sense of humor is different than ours. i would say the best thing for you to do is stop getting on him about smoking weed, and talk to him about how it hurts your feelings when he says things like that. He may start to feel smothered if your constantly on him about weed, especially if hes not going to stop. smothered = more problems in relationship. If you love him more than anything in the world, and you know that you two are not going to cancel your wedding plans,compromise from the both of you is key. i think him telling you that your boring is a bit extreme, and i would say something if i were you. you cant let him walk all over you. he needs to respect you. You should try doing things of your own. when he goes out, call one of the girls to go have a drink or to go have lunch/dinner, shopping., whatever. that way he doesnt think when he leaves you will be sitting at home waiting for him. a relationship is a two way street. You cant give and give and have him take and take, a relationship doesnt work that way. i know exactly what your going thru, and it is hard... eventually (if not already) your going to start feeling like your not good enuf, that he takes you for granted... and on and on. sit him down. tell him how you feel. if he responds well and respects your feelings.. thats a good sign. if not, you may be in some trouble.

Let me tell you where i am in my situation... I'm actually leaving him because ultimately he's an a$$ and wont change and wont compramise and only thinks of himself. Maybe you leaving will be an eye opener to him.

BILL h

it's a shame you and him have bought a house together,because you don't need this kind life style.he is always going to want to be with his friends because they like partying together.it doesn't sound like he is going to change.you really need to get out of this situation.i would put the house up for sale and Split the the profit.you really need to get a better life.as long as he can come and go as her please and do his weed and drink,you won't be happy and it sounds like he doesn't care about you.good luck and you take care.

Bgirl

Sadly, you are not his priority. He is not willing to commit to you in the way you deserve. I believe it is time to let him move out and move on. He seems very immature and callous about how he talks to and about you to your face and his buddies... You know already in your heart you are done you just needed others to confirm what you thought. Best of luck to you in your future, you can do this...

There N Back Twice

You said it yourself - he'd rather be out drinking and partying than with you. Think about it seriously. Marriage is meant to be PERMANENT - as in verrrrrrrry long term. You'll never change him, so you're just setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and bitterness. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Don't you deserve better?

nomokomoyo

love ur life!life is too short,to have that boring man in ur soon to b married life;ur a surely candidate for divorce,don't b the last to know!

colostomy_punch

You say you told him that you cant accept it but then you show him you arent serious.. by accepting it! Do not get married if you have a standard and value that he is not meeting (by smoking weed) also, if it was in a joking manner, i would not be offended by being called the ball n chain. if it were more resentful though, i would.

ginger

r u willing to feel sorry for urself for e next 10 years with a man like him? leave him......

You and he had better seek some couples counseling to deal with these issues. I advise that you do this before marriage so as to reach some common ground; the drug and alcohol usage and excessive partying should be addressed. Marriage is a serious commitment that cannot be entered into lightly, so consider your options.

Edie

i think you should end this and find someone who respects you and treats you right. the sooner the better :/ !

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