My fiance died recently...how can I get my friends and family to stop trying to set me up?

Wildflower

I'm sorry for your loss.. your friends are trying to help because they care for you, although you aren't ready for that kind of help yet... I wouldn't "never talk to them again" because you need your friends and they are trying to be helpful.. but perhaps you may want to take a time out from them and heal a bit... then see how you feel.. I would also be blunt that no, you don't want to go out tonight because they keep trying to set you up.. and give it some time..

Danielle K

oh my..i am so sorry for your loss....i would stop excepting invitations until they figure out why...or make your own plans and ask then at the last minute if they would like to come so they don't have time to set you up.....also really tell them how it feels with no anger...that you are not ready and they are making it harder.....again i just want to say i am so so sorry.... i cannot even imagine....

letterstoheather

I'm really sorry. Five months isn't very long, and you are obviously still grieving. A person in your position, and only five months after a fiance's death, certainly isn't enough time for you to have accepted the situation or to even consider dating.

If i were in your shoes? I'd tell people who tried to fix me up that i'm grieving, and they are intruding.

I'm sure you're perfectly capable of finding a date when you've gone through the grieving process....

Maybe you could find some support and help through internet grief forums? I've found a couple articles and forums for you if you feel like checking them out. It might help you get through this, especially in the forums where you can talk with others who are going through similar life experiences right now.

sending all best wishes

http://ezinearticles.com/?Grieving-the-Loss-of-a-Spouse,-Husband,-Wife-Or-Life-Partner&id=1924300

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/handlingcrises/a/loss_of_spouse.htm

http://psychcentral.com/resources/Grief_and_Loss/

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/grieving/

avavu

I am sorry for your loss.Just tell them you are not ready yet,when you are you will let them know.The mean time you want to be left alone.If they keep up ,the i think you have a good reason to be really mean and tell them you don;t want to talk about it.Keep in mind that they just want to help and that's the only thing they can do for you.But Jillian would want you to be happy and move on.She was your angel ans she will always be your angel.

Fenix

Man... I'm really sorry for your loss man. I don't know where I'd be if I lost my wife. Don't leave your friends though. True friends are the ones that keep trying to help even when you get mad at them. For starters try to understand how they feel. They want the old you back, unfortunately they may never get the old you back. Your fiance must have been a big part of all that made you who you were. I doubt your friends are trying to make you get over her. Anyone who's smart will realize that you aren't going to get over losing the woman you love. It never hurts to make new friends. I'm not gonna say you should test the waters, but do you believe your deceased fiance would want you to be miserable? You're never going to forget your fiance and I don't believe she would want you to be miserable. It's okay to miss her, just don't let her death drag you down. I've lost so many close friends as a child and in war and I know, thinking about missing them is a bad way to go. Enjoy all the memories you have with her. Don't try to place anyone in the void, try to fill it with yourself instead. I hope this helped in some way. You shouldn't be angry with your friends, maybe they don't understand what's going on with you.

potato_head30

What a sad post. I feel that your family and friends are only trying to do what THEY think is best for you-- clearly it's insensitive if it's upsetting you and unwanted. I would suggest you send them a bulk email or speak to them all at once and say whilst you can see the good behind what they are doing- it's too soon and you are too upset to even think of another woman. My father died 11 years ago- and my mother STILL isn't ready to find anyone else coz she is still in love with him and she compares everyone to him. The rebound approach isn't as easy in a death situation and it doesn't fill the spot or ease the pain. Only time will do that. Good luck

Riverrat715

I know your friends are just trying to help because it is hard for them to see how you are still grieving. I am so sorry about your fiance. I am sure you will never forget her but the pain will lessen in time. Each person has their own time to grieve so take all the time you need. I hope your friends will become a little more understanding.

creeese

I'm so sorry you lost your fiance, and in such a tragic way! Well, you've told everyone to stop trying to set you up, and they're clearly not hearing you. Rather than jeopardizing those relationships by cutting off all contact, just make it a very serious point. Explain why you don't want to meet anyone right now and be very stern about it. Tell them your next romance has to be on your terms, that you appreciate their concern, but just aren't ready. You may have to argue a bit if these people are relentless, but the silent treatment is never a good idea for people you want to keep in your life for the long run.

No More

Johnny,

You just have to sit them down and tell them that you appreciate their kindness but that you have every right to work through this on your own schedule. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Just remember to live you life, take care of yourself, let time ease the pain. One day the memories will be of the good times... not of these bad times.... Somewhere out there is someone that is right for you but it can not be forced.

You are on the right track- either your friends and family quit with the matchmaking or they are not going to be seeing much of you. God Bless.

Bilby

I believe your friends and family are seeing your depression and really worrying about you. In their eagerness to help and to try and pull you out of the depression they are offering what seems the most obvious solution - a new partner to give you something to look forward to each day.

This is obviously not the right solution for you at present, but your friends and family probably don't know what else to do, and so they keep persisting with the matchmaking.

Don't avoid them, don't push them out of your life, because you will need them and they obviously love you. But somehow you need to make it clear that they have to stop with the matchmaking.

Is it possible to call a family meeting and speak to them about it in that environment? In doing so, you could acknowledge that you know they are trying to help, and maybe you could offer some suggestions of your own as to how you feel they can really help you - but make it clear that trying to pair you up with someone is not the way.

You could do this with your friends, also... perhaps have a barbecue or a gathering of some sort so you have them all together.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. But two things; Jillian loved you and would want you to find happiness. How you find that happiness is up to you, and it doesn't have to involve a new partner.

The other thing is, I know you feel that "Everything I am now I owe to her and no one else" ... I understand that, but now you must take what she gave you and use it to make a quality life for yourself. Please don't throw away the many advantages and benefits her love for you gave you.

You're not ready for a relationship yet, but one day you will be, and when that time comes, your new partner will be valuable to you in completely different, but equally important ways that Jillian was.

I wish you all the best.

Jenn L

I have never lost someone who I was in love with, but I have lost a lot of people I love(including a daughter and my parents) and it is impossible and unhealthy to try and replace that relationship with someone else. I think you should have a serious talk with the people who are doing this to you. Tell them that you are absolutely not ready to get into another relationship, and that you need to go throught the mourning process for the person that you were, and still are in love with. Tell them that it is extremely rude and shallow to assume that you would even be interested in jumping into a relationship.Tell them if they cant respect that, they are stepping out of line and you aren't going to put up with it. Like literally, you wont associatte with them anymore, and stick to your guns if they disprespect your wishes, you have yo protect yourself. This is unhealthy and hurtful.

I feel for you, and am very sorry that you lost the one you love. Time is the only thing that can help the pain, and even then it never goes away The one thing I look forward to, is the possibilty of being reunited with my the people I love someday.

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