My fiance wants to start a family?

Studies indicate that when couples co-habitate before marriage, they are 80% less likely to actually tie the knot. Perhaps your fiancee is fearful that, since the wedding was postponed, it will never happen--just keep getting put off.

Starting a family might be her way of ensuring that you stay in her life. If so, that's certainly the wrong reason to start a family. Sounds as if you're being the wise one here.

I'd pick a date sometime next year and allow her to begin making plans. If she has a definitive goal to work towards, she'll be focused on planning her wedding and probably won't want to walk down the aisle pregnant.

Just be sure to stick to that date and let nothing deter the plans.

IslandArtiste

She is the selfish one here!
Don't start a family until you are married and have your domestic upheaval straightened out,
Tell her, if she won't see reason and gets pregnant without your consent - you will leave her to be a single mother!

Shannon

It's not about who is 'right'.

It is nothing short of cruel to being a child into the world if both parents are not enthusiastic about doing it.

You are allowed to control when and if you reproduce.
If she won't respect that, cut her loose.

You ought to set the timeline for her though.
Justing 'no' or 'not now' isn't going to sit well with someone that wants kids.
You need to explain what will need to change first, starting with stabilization in your family and that is going to take at least a year.

Children stress a good marriage. You need to get through the first few years together than talk about kids.

In short, you don't change her mind, she does.
What you do, is explain your mind.

You mind ought to be along the lines of, I will be ready for a family when:
1) My brother and sister are taken care of
2) We are married for a year or two
3) We own a home
4) We both have finished our education and both have stable jobs
Ideally this should happen when I'm about 30.
That would make me happiest and allow us to take care of everything.

(If you have a child before she is 24yo the likelihood that you divorce sky-rockets. It is the #1 factor. You shouldn't bring this up, but you need to keep it in mind.)

Bill

Fix home first and then talk about children.
Never have children before you are married for three years. Divorce and children are a problem. In three years you can get some money saved and you will know the other well by that point.
Make sure you are parent material before you put children in the mix.

Best of luck and a pat on the back for asking such a question.

Nikki G2

Shannon has good points.

Are there any other options for your brother? Don't let him destroy your marriage. Draw some boundaries with him. Tell him foster care is a real option. You are doing HIM (the boy) a favor.

When you have a partner who is opposed to your fertility plans, do not trust them to employ birth control. Use a condom every time, or you have no one but yourself to blame for an unexpected pregnancy.

Niki

I don't think either of you are wrong, but with all the stress that is going it might be best to wait. ask her why she feels the need to start one now. Let her know your feelings on the subject. I think waiting til you've been married for a while is best, but that is my opinion.

christy

this is easy..... if you dont feel you can devote your time and energy into raising a child then dont do it. Wait until you are more comfortable.

missingora

This is the worst possible time to start a family. First of all, you need to wait until after you've been married awhile and had time for just the two of you to be alone for some time. Tell your fiance this; tell her that while having a baby is great, it is also a stressful time and that with all that's going on, a new baby would pick up on the stresses and that would not be good. You need to be a couple ALONE when a baby comes. Don't let her talk you into this. The timing is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I hope all goes well with your mother.
And by the way, don't be afraid to set some limits on the 17 year old and settle him down!!

Erika

Sounds like you have a full plate.

I wouldn't start a family right now with all that is going on. Your brother and sister need you right now, as well as your sick mother. I say, family first in this case. It's not like your mother and siblings are trying to get a handout.

Your brother is 17, don't you remember what it was like at that age??? All the insecurities and false bravado?

I say, take care of the family you have already...postpone the one you may have in the future.

If your fiancee doesn't like it...tough SH!!T. I am a woman, but I live in reality, rather than fantasy land where we NEED to have a baby - RIGHT NOW.

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