My husband and I split up in the summer.we'd been together 13 years ,maried for 7?

superman in disguise

Stick with your decision. Do not get back together just for the kids sakes.

You would regret it in the long run and so would he.

That is my advice anyhow.

Sazi

they always say do it for the kids...but i dont think in all cases this can work.

imagine if he turned the violence to your child...how bad would you feel then?

you cant force yourself to love somebody no matter how hard you try

you need to stay out of the way of this man despite him living close to you, you should maybe think about talking to the police

stop_staring_please

Bad idea. I did just what you are considering and stayed for 11 years. Take my word, it doesn't get better, it gets worse. And you will be very unhappy and so will your children! Leave while they are young. They will adapt much easier than if you wait and leave when they are older. And believe me, you WILL eventually leave.

Mephistopheles

Silly s*d - want to end up in hospital???? - just tell the B**tard to go away and leave you alone and you now need to move on in your life too.

Christines256

I think you know what to do, you just need to hear it. The best thing for your children is for you to stay away. It's a big mistake to try to resolve a marriage this bad for the sake of children... it will hurt them if you two stay split, but I think you know that it will hurt them more if they see whats going on with you two, especially as they get older. I'm so sorry for your situation and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to hear this, but I hope it helps.

person p

the answer to this question would be no,for me as i have had personal experience the same thing was happening between my parents and it didnt do me any good being around someone who is violent,and as your son is only 3,he wouldnt understand that his dad was being violent,your husband sounds like a bad man,and do you think he deserves such a wonderful wife and children as you are??

Shiraz

No way, stay away from him it was an abusive relationship and who knows what he could do to your children. I would not want my children near a man like that even if it was there father.

Good Luck

robert x

THERE IS NO POINT TRYING TO LOVE A WIFE BEATER!,
A leopard never changes its spots so don't ever think about starting over ..

This idea that because he hasn't hit you with his fists doesn't count has being a beating is ludicrous and is symptomatic of someone who is in denial.

I can sympathies with you about your wish to bring your child up in an happy home with a loving mom and dad, sadly though from what you describe your house hold falls a long way short of this ideal and really is more harmful to your child's happy well being and emotional development. Kids see things and hear things even at very early ages that will effect them for the rest of their lives. so don't be fooled by thinking that its best to stay for the sake of the child, because its not!.

You should allow your estranged husband access to his son but also make it clear to him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that you want a divorce..

Gypsy Whitemoon

My father was an 100% horrible and disgusting old man and now that he dead I have a better relationship with him. He abused my mother, and reaked havoc on the ilves of 6 innocent children (me and my siblings) he beat my mother, watched us go hungry so he could buy smokes and in general terms I have no good child hood memories at all. I asked my mother why she stayed with a person who was violent and angry and hurt us all the time and she said " I stayed for the sake of the children" and my response is "What sake?? and that is how I feel. When father was not there on the rare occassions mother ran away for a while life was realy pleasant and quiet. The word Quiet is the best word to sum things up - we were at peace but when he came back to terrorise us and deprive us it was not quiet anymore.

I think what I am trying to say is that this man has beaten you up - how do you think that his actions will affect your little boy?? It is a well known fact that perpertrators of violence are violent because they too saw their mothers violated and beaten and it effected them. children learn violence - do you want your son to be violent. Also this man who says he loves you nad the children threatened to KILL YOU and take away the children's mother right and he says he loves you??

Also this man takes no responsibility for his actions because he sees that he did not wrong because he used objects - so someone being hit by a whip is not assault, or a stick or a hammer - no he is just trying to convince himself he has done nothing wrong. as for loving you - he hit you thats not very loving. He threatened to kill you and take away your children's mummy. Yes it is hard for your three year old but children are adaptable but it will be harder if he hits you when your son is 6 or 8 and your toddler is 4 0r 5? No you yourself said you were happy and you dont love him. Go get some counselling and ask him to get some counselling as well and organise all the legals for custody to you and let him see the children but it sounds like you are happy . also you cant force yourself to love and respect someone who has done awful things to you. You are not his possession and if he hits you will he hit the children ?? Maybe he wont see any harm in hitting your son when he is 6 when he is questioning more and this fellow hitting him with a plate, or a towel, or a vase or a stick. Violent people can always justify their actions. Dont let him back in - and eventually maybe you could move so he cant be so close - living accross the road does not give you space. Good luck in your decisions.

Emily Hobhouse

You've made the break. Your ex can't see the error in his ways. While I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage, I believe too that violent men become more violent. Your son is unhappy - think abou how unhappy his wife will be when he learns from his father that it is okay to hit a woman.
Stand firm. Your son will learn to accept this in time and it is better now than dragging it out over the years.
BTW Single parenting is really hard. It would be good if you could maintain some sort of civil relationship with him.

Poppy

Do not go back to a violent relationship for the sake of your children, they would suffer more psychological damage long term seeing their parents in a relationship such as this than living apart from their daddy.
An awful lot of kids grow up these days with just their mother, if they can see him at weekends then all the better.
Just try to understand that you have managed to escape the violence - something alot of women can only dream of this Christmas x

katty_with_a_kapital_k

no, i would leave it, in the back of your mind, when you get back together you will be asking yourself, when is he going to blow off next, or every time he walks out the door, what's he going to do next, I'm going through pretty much the same experience now, apart from I'm the child, one day they will learn to realise that what he done is unforgivable, my parents have been together for 18 years, and still it's always the element of doubt hope my advice is use full to you.

FairGround

no, leave your husband, he is voilence and would hurt you again, if he loves you he wouldn't have hurt you, he's even a threat to you son. i'd say move away from him as far as possible and get an official divorce with him.

Vampire

Don't even consider getting back with him!!!!
Firstly, you said you don't love him, that on it's own should be enough. A loveless marriage is bad for all concerned! Counting the years until you can leave him will just drive you mad and make you miserable. Secondly, and I think most importantly he has been violent towards you! This is TOTALLY unacceptable!!!
So for that reason alone, don't even think about it!

I know how heart breaking it is to see your kids upset when they don't understand why you've spilt up. I went through the same thing when my partner and I split 6 years ago. Our daughter was 4, and would get very upset and ask me why I didn't live with her and mummy anymore, it even upsets me a bit now to think about it, but children are incredible little things! They very soon adapt to new situations, and soon accept things. Just as long as he knows that he's loved (which he obviously is!) he'll be OK. It won't be easy, but it'll be a lot better than being in a relationship that is damaging both mentally and possibly physically!
Don't be too keen to rush into another relationship, get yourself and your kids settled into your new lives, which takes longer than you'd think!

Just hang in there and things will work out!

crazymental

no no no. i understand you want your child to be happy, but i think he wants a happy set of parents. by going back to him you aint gonna give him that. you ex is an idiot. he know damn well that hitting with objects or fists amounts to the same thing which is violence. you plan on going back so he can finish the job and kill you? my ex was mentally abusive i wasnt as unlucky as you, but it kills the love and that is what your husband has done. he's killed your love for him. you should never consider going back. you go back and your showing your son that violence is part of a normal family and he'll grow up and repeat the behaviour. as long as your child see's his dad then there isnt a problem. sit your son down and explain why daddy cant live at home. not to much info, just enough, something like daddy was wrong to hit mummy and now he cant stay here. plz dont go back. the precedent of behaviour has been set and the fact he wont face up to what he did as wrong and violent says it all. he's a bully.

~*~Tessa~*~

Don't be abused!
You and your kids will make it without him.
Be strong, you can do it.

askmike

stay away from him...........period

iyamacog

No one should live with domestic abuse, and it's NOT good for your children. So do them a favor and do NOT go back or remain with him. I came from such abuse. It's horrid for children to witness!

lesliethrelfall

leave dating alone for a while. get yourself sorted out and consentrate on kids

beckdawgydawg

your child's happiness depends on your happiness. putting yourself back into a violent situation will do nothing but endanger you and your son. violence is a learned behavior. do you want your son to mistreat women as his father does? if your answer is no then stay away. it will be much better to explain to him when he is older why you and daddy aren't together then to have his daddy try to explain to him why they visit mommies head stone.

caroline17nov

no and no!
dont go back to that horrible man!
your kids in hte long run will be better off without him!
What would you rather, seeing daddy hitting mummy all the time and shouting at her, and then turning on the kids when they get older or seeing mummy with a nice man they call dad and having another daddy they see too.
i know which one i would prefer. and just cos you are a mother doesnt mean you have to settle for that cr*p either.
you are entitled to be happy you know!

Arthur W

No way. Your intentions and reason for doing so are good but until he is able to get his temper and violent ways under control, this is not good. Theres a very good chance that his abusive ways could overflow eventually to the children too once they get older and manage to "get" to him, and that definitely isnt good. It isnt your responsibility to explain why daddy isnt living with you guys, so tell your son that daddy is too busy working and cant always be home and let him explain the situation to him or tell him the truth later. Your best bet here would be to divorce him, which you would be awarded custody and child support,the house and possible spousal support too. Also just because he doesnt use his hands directly, its still spousal abuse and assault. You can get a protective restraining order against him if needbe. But cut your losses and move on and dont look back. Good luck

mikydotcom@btinternet.com

Stay away...it will only be a matter of time when he will replace the objects with his fists-so do you not think he was trying to tell you something in a round about way?!? You can always tell your 3 year old at a later date why you had to split up with his dad, and as long as they have contact there should not be any problem-especially as he is only across the road. Your children will be even more confused at you having other men around so soon after their dad was with you all, suggest you leave off the guy's for a while-for the kiddies sake?? You say you don't love him anymore, but he does you?-i am sorry, but a child would not a good enough reason for me to put my life,(and my childrens life!!),or my sanity in danger again. You are best off as you are.

just me

I was in an abusive marriage and "stayed for the kids." I wasted 6 years of my life and caused myself AND my children a lot of pain. It was 6 years I could have spent rebuilding my life or finding someone who would respect me and not abuse me. He has hit you before. DON'T go back. He will most likely hit again. Six months after I left my 1st husband I woke up one morning, sat up in my bed and said "I don't have to worry if I will be beaten today!" It was a wonderful feeling.

To think that your child would be happy is not entirely accurate either. When my son was 4 years old my husband hit me in front of him...I turned to my son and he hadn't even flinched. He just kept watching his cartoon like nothing was out of the ordinary...the abuse was "normal" for him. I knew it was time to end it. Your child can see Dad without having him in the house with you. You are already on the way to healing...Don't waste precious years hoping for the best and ending up with bruises...It's just no way to live.

michele m

my cousin is going through a similar situation...though her boyfriend-they never did get married-was more controlling than abusive...they have a 2 yrold together and them together was not a great situation for the baby...they get along better now that they are not together and though my cousins son misses his dad alot..he doesnt have to see all the negativity and abuse between the two of them...the important thing for you is to make sure your child and you are safe and if he is violent regardless of what type it maybe it is not good for you or your child to put up with it....as far as your sons happiness...there are all different types of family situations...and it is not necessary for you to sacrifice yourself or your safety in an abusive relationship...his father can have a relationship with the son without you having to be a part of it and he can still get just as much love...take care of yourself and your little boy...you are setting the example for him...and if his momma is being strong and taking care of what is right...he will grow up that way

TAE M.

If the abuse has started its hard to just stop before you consider taking him back he needs to get some help for the abuse because that's no place for two small children to grow up in a household such as that get help and then in time if he changes take him back but right now time apart seems like the best for you

icewitch54

That doesn't sound like confused to me. That sounds like guilt. Getting back into that scenario would not, ultimately, make your little boy happy but it would give him a great role model of what a man should not be like. However, he'll see it as an example of what makes a great man for a woman.

Snowflake

You shouldn't try and love him as he is. If you are thinkin gof gettin gtogether with him again - try and find out why did things tun that way. Why did he become agressive. It is possible that he cheated on you and became agressive to cover up his guilt. Who knows. You might try family councelling. I understand that you are considering to take him back mostly because of the children. But please realize that childern will be uhappy if you are unhappy. If you think getting together with him - think is it possible to make it into a good family. Think how would you feel if he became agressive towards your child. What would you do if you were to come home to find your child all beaten up. If you think you can turn it around than go for it. But I'd say, if he dared to lay his hand on you - keep him out of your house.

rabbit18

you never stay with someone for the kids sake bad move done that in my first marriage of 13 years the last 5 of those 13 i stayed because of the kids it destroys you inside and the kids without u realising it please please for yours and your kids sake move away his violence should tell you that anyway it dont get better it just gets worse give yourself and your kids a good life move on sweetheart be happy

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