My husband has had an online affair?

I just found out that my husband joined an agency online which encourages married people to have affairs. I read through all his emails that he had sent (, looked through his emails anddont care if this is devious, my suspitions where right) and there where loads of women but one in particular to which just a fortnight ago he arranged to meet, he gave her his mobile number and email address. Her reply was somethign along the lines of they would have to be careful as her husband was getting suspitious. This to me suggests they met, he admits to joining the site (initially denied it until i read the messages out to him, he had no choice) and writing to these women but denys he met any of them. He says it was just an ego boost and he wanted to see just how far they would go, he admits 2 women rang him and he said he told them he wasnt interested.

I am so upset, never, ever would i have thought he could do this to me. I call it an affair because this is what it seems like to me, he says it isnt the same and that he is really sorry and will never do anything like this ever again, but im left paranoid and have zilch trust left for him. I do love him as we have been together for 18 years and have one daughter but i feel so deverstated and hurt I really dont know if its worth being with somebody who would do this. Are cheaters all ways cheaters? is he more likely to do this again? can we move forward and our marriage be saved? TIA

Kitty

find out why is he doing it, what vulnerability is he trying to overcome?

Went throught the same thing with my boyfriend (last year) and his reason was because it was easy and gave him an ego boost! Yes, still with boyfriend and we have become closer, more honest and open with each other! :o)

Talk to him and let him know how it affects you!

Talking really does help, don't get angry (it doesn't work), just talk as though you were talking to a friend who needs your help (which it sounds like he does)!!

Good luck and post us your positive news!!

Wisen Smart

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Online, offline, in person, whatever, they will find a way. Get out of this relationship before you get hurt further.

marie

I feel so sorry for you,my ex husband was the same i found him out three times, in the end i had to divorce him,i couldn't carry on with the lies he used to come out with,i do hope things turn out well for you.Good luck.

Crush

A leopard cannot change its spots. As you know he will probably do this again. Until he wants to change for good nothing will work. Only he can make that decision. But do you want to wait for him to do that. The trust has gone in your relationship and doubt you will ever get it back again. It is a very hard decision as you have been together a very long time but only you know if you could ever learn to kind of trust this guy again. Seems he feels he has something missing in his life or maybe going through a mid life crisis.

the_emrod

If this upsets you and he doesn't stop then you need to think hard. He will do it again.

I bet he met up with them though.

icewitch54

What people, be they male or female, seem to not realise with online affairs is that what they view as 'harmless fun' will be viewed by their husband/wife/partner as cheating. In a way it is, certainly on the emotional level even if not the physical level.
Yor husband needs to stop his online flirting/affair and get back into the real world. He needs to concentrate on you and your marriage if he has any hope of regaining your trust.
Can you save your marriage? Well, I don't know. It depends on several things and not least his willingness to stop his online 'affair' and his willingness to put effort into your marriage rather than looking for what, I guess, he sees as cheap thrills with no strings attached. Maybe he needs to direct the energy he has put into his online stuff into your marriage.
End of the day, only you know how you feel and whether you want to also work on your marriage or walk away.

robert x

Just remember that there is No smoke without fire. There is no point in joining this type of site to just do nothing or to feed your curiosity. So id say Its highly likely that your hubby has used this site for its intended purpose. His excuse is a bit threadbare,, ego boost! ... I'm afraid that cheaters don't changer their spots, temptation is always likely to be present .Whether you will ever be able to trust him again is also questionable .. I think you might just have to live with his infidelity

DREW D

you gotta ask your self the root cause of the so called deception and discuss it with him
what is he lacking after 18 years of marriage, which is leading him down this road ????
ask yourself that?????
try creating another email address for your self join the site and flirt with him not to catch him out but to see what he's after and what he's chasing, it might help you to understand the attraction
divorce is a bit drastic after 18 years

there was a film comedy with jennifer love hewitt can't remember the name with a similar senario some one on here might know the name of it

rosie p

I think that he was being dishonest and the truth of the matter is that he probably did meet this woman or many women. If you think your marriage can be saved, then work on it. 18 years is a very long time, however the time you invested should not be your main reason for staying with him.
Wish you all the best.

I love cooking!

I can't believe some people on here are telling you to forgive him. My opinion you should get out of this so called marriage. He'll do it again!

parismatch

sorry but you get the usual sort of replies to this question - frankly there isn't enough info to advise.you... and it's just to easy to say divorce - do you really want to?

For example, what is his age/state of mind, is it just to boost his self esteem, is he really not happy with you and you not happy with him ...

Even if you think that he might do it again... doesn't 18 years warrant giving him a second chance?

If you always assume the worst of people, then you'll end up sad and alone - sometimes you need to reflect - and take a risk with people, even if yes there's a good chance it could happen again

but it's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all

keen2ts

that does not sound good just be careful because if he is thinking about it there is a possibility he will cheat.

tesla_morris

You can't save this, but HE can. He has to confess to all, admit he was wrong, change his ways, be prepared to be on a short leash forever, explain to you why he did this.....You don't forgive him until you are done being angry, you tell him you are willing to TRY to get past this and work it out. You tell him how it makes you feel. Go to counseling if possible. Ask him if it was worth it to maybe never see his daughter leave for her first date, or be there for her when she gets accepted into college, or hear about her first crush.....I, too am trying to work past an affair after 18 years of marriage with 1 daughter. We separated for 6 months and I took that time to read a million books, talk to friends and family, talk to my minister, go to counseling.....So far, it is working. Good days are possible; only time will tell if I made the right decision.

Mum of1

u have to decide if want stay or leave. if want leave then print off all e-mails for reason of divorce and make him leave the house.
if want stay then he has prove himself to u, make him suffer for a while, make list things he has to do, include giving u all the women contact info esp the 2 women who rang him so can let them know to back off. also swap phones or get him new number, that way cant have the numbers. ban the internet and make him do things for u ie. cook romantic meals for u, take u out, buy u treats, order in food, flowers chocs and ur favour bottle wine each week - its only fair. then make him do al cleaning, washing clothes etc so u can relax also. u can add more to the list and he has to do them all till ur satisfied.
goodluck in the choice u make.

Astral

You know these net affairs are more a fantasy / flirting thing in my opinion.
An awful lot of people get into it.
Most will never meet their online love interest but just enjoy the flirty nature of their chats.
Of course it can develop into something more for some people, especially if they are looking for a real relationship.
However I can understand why you would be upset. Naturally you won't trust him online anymore but to be honest you can't stop him doing it .
You will just have to trash it out and see if you can come to an understanding with him that he will avoid those sites in the future. Then try to forget it.

John

Don't listen to these people. Stay with your man!!

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