My husband just doesn't get it.?

Maureen

Can you change your ideas about what constitutes 'compassion'? For you, it means 'look me in the eyes and make me feel like you care'. But, he expresses compassion by 'trying to fix your problem'. That is an expression of compassion for him. That is how he tries to help you feel better about things.

Then, go to another friend, if you want to, too, to get the kind of response that you're looking for. Or, take his expression of love and compassion, be grateful for it, then use his support (as he expresses it) to help you find the strength within yourself to feel better.

But, don't feel like he's not compassionate. He's just not expressing compassion in a way that you want him to do it.

Yoda's Tattoo

That's the difference between men and women my dear. Have you said just what you've told us here to him? Many times, us guys don't get the clues you're trying to give us. You just need to come right out and say it.

Moondog

This is a common problem with men (including me). Men feel that if something is wrong for their woman it is their responsibility to fix it. It is somehow tied into that male ego - protective thing.

racermom

For most men it is in their nature to want to "fix" what is not working. They don't mean it in a demeaning or ugly way they just really don't like to see people they love in a situation that they know is hurting them.

You need to talk to him and prior to what ever conversation that you have when you just need him to listen let him know that first. Perhaps saying something along the lines of "Sweetie I know that you always want what is best for everyone and you never like to see someone hurting but I need you to just listen and hold me so I can feel your support right now."

Men really can not read our minds as we can not read theirs and sometimes, although not all the time, they can just be your strong point in a storm.

Yes, you should lean on your girlfriends for some of the emotional stuff but not exclude your husband.

Women are able to just sympathize and feel emotions for someone else just because they know that the other person needs to get it out. Men are not wired that way in general.

Let him know you need him to just be your strong shoulder to lean on right now and that although you are sure he has many great ideas you just need to vent your frustrations and get it out but don't really need solutions right now.

Communication is key to any relationship.

cmdrbnd007

Men aren't built like that when we see a problem we want to fix it and it frustrates us when we can't. Don't blame him too much it takes some time to change and just shut up and listen but let him know, when you aren't upset about something, that that is what you want.

the need to know

Well I tell you, Guys are good with fixing everything except a woman. Because you look at something broken and say, all this needs is this or that to fix it....well with a woman, you never know what they need to fix it. I found a plaque that had a saying that helps me with women....it says, love me when I least diserve it, thats when I need it the most.

Stephen K

I think so.

I mean, compassion is part of the marriage contract.

There is certainly a miscommunication problem betweent he two, but I would first sit him down and lay out some ground rules to make it clear

goldwing

make your life easy for yourself and get a girlfriend to talk to. None of us can be all and everything to our mates...yours doesn't have a high compassion quotient, so why make an issue of it..this is not news to you, so why are you going off about it now. He is himself, no more, no less. Get your compassion where you must, get your love from him...it is really no big deal, and is far more common than you think. Sorry to be bad news here, but at least it is practical. Good luck

Ming

Men need instructions. We all do. Tell him how you want him to look at you and what he can do to demonstrate more compassion, and what will show you that he cares. It's very vague the way you have it written here. Talk it out, listen to him too, by all means, Communicate. You can't get what you want until you learn how to ask for it, girly!

david i

ok you got some good feed there

there is a book called Men are from Mars-check it out -and it will tell you a few keys to help

I feel its very important for everyone to have Jesus and then for a wife to have a good christian girl friend to bounce her feelings too.

when dealing with your husband if you say- "Honey I love you (if you present problems and he feels like love is threatened by what you are going through -it becomes a problem)

Honey I love you, please dont say anything and let me speak my heart when I am done give me a hug and I will be ok.

it is known as venting and thinking things through by speaking it out
USUALLY-THERE ARE TIMES ITS REVERSED TOO=
men are different and discuss one thing at a time-and need feedback
ladies LIKE TO PUT ALL THE MARBLES OUT AT ONCE THEY just need to be heard and TALKING ALSO letS themselves think through things

THE KEY IS STILL JESUS=best in life is to get the best=relax-
remember youre a princess-Jesus he promises to provide our needs-if we belong to him and do as he asks

Prayin for you in Jesus amazing grace that saved me, John 3 repented of sin-even one lie, asking Jesus in to be my lord and savior, and got born again with Jesus now my best friend. David

live in the safety of Jesus directions wherever you are-or the other way live one day in a broken heart with no one to truely comfort you.

Small Town

Tell him what you just told everyone on here! He will listen if you just sit him down to talk to him about. He may be getting frustrated causehe doesnt understand what you want him to do! Talk to him!!!

Druqk

guys are logical a problem has a solution. women are emotional ie you need to "feel" better. make sense yet

slopoke6968

hmmmm men--this is why im NOT married.........

kheserthorpe

Allright.

First of all, the reason he doesn't get it is because he's male. Males communicate to share information and solve problems. Period. Men consider it a faux pas to reveal emotion when they talk to each other. When other men reveal emotion, we politely ignore it. Actually, we _filter_ it out. When men talk, they filter out what we are programmed to consider the important stuff: facts, problems, and then we propose solutions.

Women talk to share emotions and form social bonds. This whole concept is just something men don't naturally do.

So start off understanding where he is coming from. You say 'he gets frustrated and doesn't want to deal with it', but that second part is inaccurate - he is frustrated because he WANTS to deal with it, but is not being successful. When men see that their loved ones - especially a spouse, who they want to protect - is upset, men find it very upsetting, we feel like failures and we DESPARATELY want to 'fix' the problem. Please realize that this doesn't mean we 'dont care about your feelings'. We care very much. That's why we want to fix the problem.

I understand intellectually what you are saying. You want him to validate your feelings, and show that he understands you. I understand this because I've read it. The concept is foreign to me. I understand that my wife may want this, but its not something I'd ever look for as a man.

So ... as for what you should do? One option would be to, indeed, talk to a girlfriend when you just want to talk about feelings. Because she allready 'speaks your langauge'. The alternative is to be very explicit about what it is you want your husband to do. Right now, your conversations probably go like this:

You: I'm really upset about XYZ. I feel like ....
Husband: We can fix XYZ by ....
You: You don't care about my feelings at all, you just want to fix the problem so you don't have to deal with it.

See, to me I still laugh at how women say things 'he thinks all I want him to do is fix it'. To us, fixing it is actually doing something, being compassionate and 'showing you care' is doing nothing. So from his perspective, you actually want him to do LESS not more. He's trying too hard - but not doing what you want. You're going to have to tell him.

You: "I'm upset. It would help me feel better if I could talk to you about it. I don't need you to 'fix' the problem, I just need you to listen and then say back to me in your own words what I am feeling, and then comfort me.
Him: uh ... okay.
You: I'm upset about xyz because ....
Him: You feel YXZ because of ..... That makes you feel .... I understand. I'm sorry honey. *Cuddle*

See, you (hopefully) get what you need. And he now understands the problem in 'male' terms. Instead of thinking problem = cause of feelings, solution = fix cause, he understands that problem = you need feelings reflected and shared, solution = restate wife's feelings showing you understood. He'll be much less frustrated because he'll now understand what problem he is supposed to fix - the 'need for feelings to be understood' problem. He is no longer confused and in trouble with a distraught wife for trying to 'fix' things.

LEO

I do not know how old is your marriage. If you are newly wed then you need to stop and think. Is it that he has something going or is it that all he thinks is about his profession. The second type is not harmful but cant pay the attention that a wife craves; in this case look for love out side. You have to understand that you have to be discreet. You dont hurt his pride and he wont care.
Come to think of it, even if your marriage is old, the recipe would be the same. Wish u all the happiness and best of luck.

acmeraven

Men and women think differently. Accept it as a scientific fact. In time he may learn; men are slow thinkers and are used to plodding along doing one thing at a time. Women are much more adept at multi-tasking; men aren't. It is a genetic thing; from times gone by when women had to do six things at the same time and all the man did was pull a plow around and around in a circle all day long (boooooooring). Could also explain why women are more excitable and men are unimaginative.

gravelgertiesgems

I hear you loud and clear. Many times all we want is a sounding board, not a solution. I find that girlfriends will do the same thing, offer advice when all you want is someone to hear you. I started a diary on my computer at home. I dare not offer to other's ears some of the things I was upset about. Then I began a Bible Study and now feel the actually relaxation by giving my problems to my Father, Jehovah. I actually feel better. There are no recriminations and afterward, my conscience advises me better than any one person could - because I'm not trying to do it alone.

DAVE

Yea, go to your favorite bookstore and get a copy of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Grey.

Read it Together.

Mr. Bugsme

Find a girlfriend and put all that emo stuff on her. Most men really don't want to listen to that. It's like having your husband watch the Bachelor and then - after the show - making him discuss in detail the reasons why the Bachelor picked one of the girls over the other.

Rebornie

Please read 'Men are from Mars & Women Are from Venus' together.

ideally_rational

Tell him clearly that you don't want him to try to think up possible ways to fix your situation, and that you just want an ear and some sympathy.
It is irritating to listen to someone complaining about something who doesn't want to listen to possible ways to fix the situation, if that's what is going on.
Girlfriends are always better for ranting and raving.

smart girl

this sounds like me honey, i am so emotional, which is bad, people take advantage of it, nothing wrong with you girl.

anonevyl

Wow - we must be married to the same guy. I would really sit him down when you aren't needing compassion or support and tell him that you would rather count on him than someone else to give you these things. And let him know a simple hug or a kiss or just a pat on the shoulder is really all you are looking for, just something to let you know he's on your side.

Also let him know you appreciate the advice/fixing but he doesn't have to work that hard.

austin360

Write him a note explaining exactly what you want him to do (or not to do) next time you need compassion or someone to listen. Give it to him. Make him read it. You have to begin a training program. He can't know what you want unless you give specific instructions. That's how guys work.

Plus Size Panther!

I am not married, so I can not answer about it too much. Tell him all what you had typed here. Tell him you don't need him to fix it and that you just need him to listen. He may be frustrated that he can not help you because maybe he feels that is his job to help his wife. But something can be fix by husbands.

If you have friends that you trust and love you for you then it would not hurt to tell both husband and friend. I hope you feel better. :)

Thatâ€™s how men are. When someone they love is hurting, they want to â€˜fixâ€™ it. Women on the other hand, sometimes want nothing more than a little compassion. Iâ€™ve learned to tell my husband up front, â€œI donâ€™t want you to fix this. I just need to vent.â€ And heâ€™s learned to do that (after many years). But sometimes he still gets frustrated because itâ€™s something that he thinks NEEDS to be fixed. And I just smile and kiss him and say, â€œThank you for loving me so muchâ€. Because a manâ€™s desire to â€˜fix itâ€™ and make it â€˜rightâ€™ for you, is one of his ways of showing that he loves you.

shellylori

Sweetie, men don't understand that. Men don't sit with their buddies and just talk about their emotional issues just to vent. They would get beat mercilessly. They see something wrong, they find a way to fix it and then they move on. Women like to puddle a bit. You have to find a girlfriend or a male girlfriend if you know what I mean to do that with. Your man will never get it. And that's okay. No one's perfect, just don't expect them to do things they aren't made to do. They're just built differently. Sometimes I tell my man, I'm upset and I don't want you to fix it. And he gets it and gives me space. If you don't have any friends, go see a counselor, they get paid to listen.

bydsophie

Some thing in life men will never understand. Sadly u have to except this and move on.

Tell him wot u want him to do... why give hints etc.. Say i want u to do this and he will if he dont find a friend or a lover who can help u

Blessed Rain

all men want to be the hero and fix all the problems.
When you sit down to talk to him about things maybe you should qualify the conversation with "I just want to vent" or I really need someone to just listen to me - don't fix just listen.
its good to have a good girlfriend to talk to but you really need your husband to be there and to be the one to talk to about most of this stuff.
also there are somethings you will not want to share with the world and would rather vent to your hubby about.
thank him for wanting to fix it but let him know that you don't need "it" fixed.

mountaineagle7

I hate to admit it, but we men are dense sometimes. We are raised believing that we are always supposed to be the knight in shining armor that comes in and rescues the damsel in distress from her dragons. What we don't realize is that sometimes those dragons can be slayed with a simple hug or 5-10 minutes of shutting our mouths and just listening with the television off.

But this is not something we just understand one day. You have to explain it to us in full detail at some point for it to finally sink in. See women and men have different kinds of needs. We truly think in two completely different wave patterns. Women are more emotionally responsive, whereas a man wants it spelled out plain and clear. I suggest sitting your husband down and explaining what you want, and let him know what he is not doing right. Once he understands the rules, I'm quite certain he will get better at the game.

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