My step-mother does not want me as a bridesmaid at her and my dad's wedding- is this unfair?

My dad, step-mum and half-sisters all live in LA, a 10 hour flight from the Uk, where I live. My dad has been living there about 5 years but only about 2 1/2 with my step-mother and half-sisters. Understandably, due to the distance i don't see them that often therfore (maybe 3 or four times a year), my dad comes over to UK on his own every now and then but sometimes only four 2 or 3 days. When me and my sister visit we often feel like they are a family and me and my sister are houseguests.

My step-mum and I never used to get along tha badly and 18 months ago my dad told me and my sister that they were going to get married. I wasn't enthusiastic at first but i asked my dad if i could be a bridesmaid (which- of what i am aware- is completely normally, it almost symbolises joining two families so i have heard)- i have never been a bridesmaid before and it has always been one of my dreams since i can remember. However my sister said she didn't want to be and my dad understood and said i could still be one.

A few months later the topic got brought up again and my dad told me that she just wanted a maid of honor (a friend) and my half-sisters as flower girls but not me as she didn't know me that well and she would prefer to keep it close family and friends. My dad has said i could be a 'best-girl' for him but its pretty obvious he was doing it because he knew it was unfair and didn't want me to be upset. However this was when the relationship between me, my sister and our step-mum started going wrong as we felt she was never going to accept us as part of the family.

They have now (18 months later) set a date ('a four-day wedding celebration in sri lanka' in mid-october) and since we have known eachother longer now i was hoping that she would offer the role of bridesmaid to me but all she goes on about is my half-sisters being flower-girls. My sister and i feel totally excluded from the wedding and feel like we would be attending as extented-family rather than the groom's daughters and we are just getting dumped on our cousins and their parents for more or less the entire thing while they go off as a 'family'.

My dad said he can understand if we don't want to go, and to be honest we don't want to if we are just going to be excluded but it's really important to my dad so i don't want to miss it, but we want to be included.

Please don't say i'm a spoilt selfish teenager, because i really am not. I've talked to my mum about it and she said she'd talk to my dad- but we both now he isn't going to listen.

How do i tell my dad how i feel- whenever i feel like saying it, it isn't the right moment and whenever the right moment crops up i don't have the courage to tell him.

<Raised on Promises>

That is horrible, and down right rude.

I loved having my step-daughter as a bridesmaid in my wedding. I'd sit down with your dad and soon to be step-mother and tell them both how you are feeling. No one likes to be excluded.

If you still get nowhere, I'd take your dad up on his "best girl" offer.

Candycorps

I say take your dad up on his offer to be a bestgirl! You can't do anything about the wicked witch of the west but at least your dad is showing you that he still wants you to be part of his day by offering you a position on his side as he gets married. Be thankful for that and try not to let your stepmother get to you!

happy wifey

What she said about close family and friends was distasteful on her part. However, what it all comes down to is that it is her day and it is her decision who she wants standing up there. And actually you should not ask people to be their bridesmaid. It is their place to decide. It was a nice gesture on your part though. One reason she might not want to have you and your sister stand up for her because perhaps with you and her being in a different country than your future stepmom may make it really complicated to order dresses and stuff as well. I think that you need to look at this from all angles and not just your perspective.

Magic 8 Ball (Call me BILF)

Is it possible for you to talk to your dad and soon to be stepmom together? That way, you can explain in a rational way that you feel as though you are being excluded and if possible would like to play a more active role and to be more involved. I would go about it from the angle that you are really excited for them to get married and that you want to be as involved as your step mom will allow you to be. Other than that, there is not much you can do, and you will have to make an adult decision as to whether you want to go under the conditions you are given.

2Cheh

You need to express to your dad that you are feeling excluded from his wedding day because your step mother does not want you or your sister in the wedding party. Her saying that she only wants "close family and friends" to be in the party but not her own step children is really quite rude in my opinion. You really need to go to your dad and explain that your step mother is being unfair considering she will allow her own children in the celebration but not you and your sister. See if you and her can reach a compromise with the problem.

Garnet Glitter

Fair or not the choice of who stands with the bride (her attendants) is the brides, and she usually selects those who have been close to her over the years.....your father wanted YOU to stand as his 'best-girl'-THAT was a wonderful offer and honor that made a lot of sense and I think you may have slighted/hurt him by refusing to consider it....why my cousin asked an aunt of ours to be his best 'man' because of how close they were..and she accepted proudly!

You can tell your father how you feel but the fact is, the bride has the right to choose her attendants and who gets chosen depends on what is important to the bride...she only wants a MOH and flower girls...many brides do, her choice Hon.....when YOU marry you can choose what you want...good luck.

fredia

not to be rude or anything, but your future step-mom sounds like a real *****...and your father doesn't sound much better. he should have insisted that ALL his children have equal roles in this wedding. i guess we know who wears the pants in that family!

bandaid_46

I am sorry that you are disappointed. It is the bride's prerogative to pick her bridesmaids, and it appears that there aren't going to be any bridesmaids at this wedding. I am sure that your lifelong dream wasn't to be a bridesmaid at your father's wedding, and I am sure that you will eventually get your chance to be a bridesmaid for one of your close friends.

I can understand your feeling of being edged out of the wedding, and I'm surprised that your father hasn't spoken up on your behalf, and persuaded his future wife to find a way to include you and your sister in some capacity. Since he hasn't done that, I think it would be quite correct to let him know how you feel about it, but in a nice way, dear, so that you don't run the risk of coming across as trying to spoil his happy day.

ouragon

It's fine to say anything you want to your dad, but try not to get too worked up toward your new step-mom. Your dad probably stumbled over what she said and misrepresented it a bit. She probably didn't say you aren't part of the family. I just don't believe a woman with children would say that. Give her a chance, sweetie.

Your dad is including you, but it's not unexpected that you feel excluded from your dad's new life. Talk to him about it.

KellyR

i think what you just said would be perfect to tell him. tell him you feel excluded and as him being your father you want to be apart of the wedding celebration. or maybe talk to your step mom and tell her exactly what you think. just because your half sisters live with your dad and step mom doesnt mean they're any more family than you are. your step mother needs to know from the beginning that you are family also. if your nervous about talking to them directly send them an email or letter in the mail, and wait for them to call you after they read it.

jazzyj

I know exactly how you feel because the same thing has happened to me and my sister and we are 40 something! We both understand that it is the bride's perogative to choose who she wants as brides maids at her wedding but as it is also our dad's wedding we were hoping that we would be invited to play a role on the day and not just be part of the wedding congregation. We waited for a good few months to see if they were going to ask us but still nothing. Even my son who is 11 could have been asked to do something but she has chosen all her family to play parts on the day. My dad has just sat back and let it all happen. My sister and I were very disappointed with both of them and because we felt so strongly about it we decided that we needed to say something to them to let them know how we feel but at the same time try not to cause any amniocity. My step mum has agreed that we can be bridesmaid but it all feels like it is just an after thought. We felt that we had a good relationship with our step mum to be and have known her for a good six years. But this has made me question how she really feels about us. I am glad that your dad suggested that you play a role as his 'best girl' at least that shows that he is thinking of your feelings and he understands how you have naturally felt excluded. Take him up on his offer if you want to play some role and you can always be a bridesmaid another time. good luck with your decision and I hope it all works out for everyone in the end.

Canadagirl

I know you're disappointed about not being a bridesmaid, but try to look at it from the perspective of your future step-mom. Most women dream about their wedding day. It is such a meaningful and important day and she may have wanted to include you in it in some fashion. Maybe she hoped to make a special toast to you. Or maybe she wanted to have the opportunity to sit you down and tell you how honoured she'd be to have you as part of the bridal party. But whatever her plan was, she didn't get a chance to do what she wanted on her wedding day. Instead, you bypassed her completely and asked your dad if you could be a bridesmaid. That was a very inconsiderate thing for you to do. It would have been a much better approach for you to speak to her and tell her how touched you would be to be included in the wedding. Then you could have left it up to her to decide what your role would be instead of forcing your way into the bridal party. You have said it has always been your dream to be a bridesmaid. Well, I can assure you that your step-mom has been dreaming about her wedding day for a lot longer than you've been dreaming about being a bridesmaid and if you cared about her at all, you'd want her to have a special wedding day instead of demanding to be a bridesmaid. If you're not feeling included in the family, then you should share those feelings with her and with your dad. But demanding to be a bridesmaid isn't the way to do it.

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