My wife said she's in love with someone else, should I leave?

titoalbanaples

You are one lucky dude. Congratulations, you now have good reason to dump her without feeling guilty in the least. Not many men come upon an opportunity as golden as yours. I am envious as hell.

sspade30

Do you have kids? If not, what reasons do you have to stay together? Do you want to be in the same situation again 5 years from now when you do have kids to consider?

Cecil

I think she absolutely DOES value you- she wouldn't have been so gut wrenchingly honest with you if she didn't. People in long term relationships and marriages go through many periods where they don't feel in love- it is inevitable. I think she has to realize that she may still feel strongly for this other man, but that so many years have passed and they are probably very different people. They are probably just remembering what it was like back then and idealizing it. For instance, I still feel in love with a man I was engaged to 10 years ago, but I know that we have grown so much in the last decade that it would most likely never work out at this point. I idealize what we had. I think your wife is fooling herself if she thinks a relationship with this man would work out now. She might be happy for a bit, even a few years, but not in the long run....my guess.

To answer your question- I don't think you should leave her at this point. I think therapy is a wonderful idea and you should seek couples therapy. She obviously cares abut you and respects you and I think you two stand a chance because of that.

whoever this is

People seem to want what they can't have. If she left you, over time she would realize what she had in you and that she couldn't have you any more and then want you again. Try to make her feel in love again. Keep things exciting... act like you did when you were dating her. I have to remind myself to act like I did when I was dating my husband because that is why he feel in love with me... it would only make sense. Yes, I would love him to do that for me, but I'm hoping that me taking action will inspire him. Mariage doesn't stay exciting with out effort. Just think... dating wouldn't be fun without the effort we put into it. During dating we're always trying to impress... that's a lot of effort. We get more when we put in more. She needs to try this too. It sounds like she is being selfish. That's all we are now adays in America... always thinking about ourselves.

NeoNerd

Sorry, but a marriage without love is a sham.

Shane S

Fight for your wife. Feelings will come and go, they do with all of us! Yo have to give her reason to love you.

Love her NOT like you love yourself. "LOVER HER ABOVE YOURSELF"

Then if she leaves you did all you could.

jess

No let her leave you! In many states the person who leaves gets less. Also that way you are making it her choice. Don't however pressure her to stay.

SFLis

First you need to assess exactly what you want and need from the marriage for it to be considered "successful" -- Do you want to be married to someone who is not emotionally involved in the marriage? Is that a marriage? Tell her what you expect to happen. A committment is a committment because you have MENTALLY committed to it, a made promise. It's meant to hold you to your promise even when you don't (whiney voice) "feel like it."

You don't just "feel" in love -- you BE in love. You BE a marriage. Love comes from more than feelings, feelings can be great but they're irrational and easily manipulated. Love involves actions. Try ACTING in love and see if those feelings can follow.

Make sure that you don't have one of those touchy feely let's tap into our inner child therapists. If you do, find one who can address the issue of right here and now first thing. Help you two make some temporary promises to show that you are at least committed to trying to make it work before you go and dissolve 9 years of life together.

I'd say any contact whatsoever with this fantasy of hers (and that's all he is, he didn't stick by her through the nine years, supporting her and being her husband) is a dealbreaker. Remind her it is YOU who has seen her through in all her glory and messes. I mean, really, what promise does she have from him? Her issue isn't him...it's something else. You can get to that later but first work on how you are going to get through this.

Maybe she's a bit disillusioned. She is unhappy about something and is now looking at Mr Fantasy in a hypothetical. Has she been doing her part to build this into a successful, functional, happy marriage? Have you? It is both your responsibility because you both made the vows. So this is one of those "bad" in the through good times and bad part.

I don't think you're kidding yourself. I think that this is at least one effort you're making to uphold your vows. Along with what I said above, list out to her what you will do and ask from her what you want back.

If she or you or both cannot do at least that one little thing, then, as hard as it may be, it's time for you to move on. After wasting nine years, why waste more. Next time look for a woman not so selfish and with more integrity.

God Bless -- I wish the best for you.

laplandfan

I know many have said leave BUT if you love her and want to see what happens then sure do. She might have 7 year itch early? Also grass can look greener on other side when people are unhappy.
I would give the individual therapy chance and if that does not work or she is still undecided then I would give her an ultimatum. The Ex or you. Simple.

Hope it works out for you.

chereb

No way, let her leave you! Keep everything, give her nothing! Maybe let her take some underware....but that's it!

punkyluv6

make her feel special maybe shes bored wit you wat did u do at the begining of relationship because she says she dosent love u anymore tht means she did at one time maybe u grew more shallow but u need to give her time dont bug her about it all the time

Meme

I say this "She can't have her cake and eat it too". She needs to decide who she wants to be with.

private

Do not leave. Let her leave, or you will be charged
with abandonment, and the house will be hers. <}:-})

Sadly, I think if you wait too long , you'll suffer even more... At least, she's been honest with the situation. She does love you but like you said she is not "in love" anymore... Maybe I'm wrong but you are telling all this in a way where it seems that you're not that all surprised (but this kind of communication can be mistaken of course...) so maybe think about your relationship , are you still in love with her or not? Because you may feel like her but didn't really understand or think about it because your situation was good and it was something that you've had for so long...

You only know what you should do. We can maybe give advice but at the end of the day, you'llbe the one finding out the answer you're looking for. Think about yourself, what you want, if you think it's still worth it, if it's time to change your relationship to a friendship, etc...

Anyway, good luck :)

heartsarebad

If she is messing around in the internet on myspace or emailing him...get rid of the computer. Ask her to stop all contacrt with him, because what she is going to regret losing you.

kalabalu

If she lived without her former lover for the past 5 years it means he was not available.Suddenly he is around.What about your life? Should you let her come out of this confusion on her own or evaluate subjectively .If you think its not possible for her to love you anymore then let it go.

auburngirlsc

I hope not, I am in the same situation with my husband. I am trying to stick it out. I am praying diligently that God will open his eyes to the love he used to have for his family.

Good luck!

It is time to let her go. She has been in love with some schmuck all the while she dated you and married you like it was nothing. Seriously, if she cannot lose the feelings for some putz from like eons then it is time to let her go. You are fighting a losing game here. You will save yourself and herself a lot of futile grief and effort. She needs to go figure out her life and you need to go be happy with someone that is honest with the love.

adam

If there are no children involved...go start a new life. You don't need that crap.

TheTruthHurts

After nine yrs you should know if you're in love with somebody or not and she made it clear in saying that she doesn't feel in love with you anymore. It's a sad situation to be in and I can only image how long it will take to get over it assuming that you still love her and knowing that you've been married for so long. Don't stay in that relationship because it will only be one-sided. You'll just hurt yourself more by being in a relationship where the feelings are not mutual.

Anonymous

no, you both need time. it might be a temporary feeling which has just risen up to surface as she repressed her feelings for years. probably she felt guilty badly.
now you both go to counseling but maybe familiy theraphy will work too. i think the doctor will help her to face with her true emotions, so things will be better sooner or later. dont worry.

edit:

she and you had been together and shared lots of thigns for 9 years. on the other hand, she told you abotu her idealized image of an old-love and she went to meet with him. so she will probably see the difference between his ideal image in her mind and the guy himself soon.

did you have problems or she expressed that she wasnt satisfied with your marriage lately ? you better focus on these communciation and emotional problems if you both decide to come together. i dontwant to say somethign wrong but in my opinion only an ideal image can ruin 9 year of marriage, because ideal images are the ideals, the perfects, but nobody is perfect at the end. that is why i am thinking that she will realize the streams in her emotions. i understand it hurts badly but as for marriage your relationship canstill be saved. you both efforted to improve it for years and it shoudnt bethat easy to end like that.

Britney S

You need to let her go and have her leave the house. Why should you be inconvenienced when she is the one who says she loves someone else?
Tell her to leave and let her figure it out...That is a real shatty thing to do and say to someone you consider your best friend. Stick with your therapy and work on yourself... by you not letting her go you are just dragging this out. It will be painful to have the guts to say just leave, but in the long run you will still have your pride without feeling pathetic

smarty_pants

That's a tough one, because I don't necessarily believe in divorce, as people seem to treat it like an easy answer these days. However, in your situation you have to weigh your options. Are you able to live with the fact knowing that your wife is not truly in love with you and probably never will be. If she decides she wants to make things work, will you ever completely trust that she is not thinking of someone else while she is with you and will she change her mind again later down the road. Do you want to spend another 5 or 10 years in a marriage that could be doomed for failure? Even though she never slept with him, are you able to withstand the emotional affair that she is having, and if she does stay with you can You forgive her and not continue to make her pay for her mistakes? They are all questions you have to ask yourself. If you believe, honestly, that the two of you can be strong enough in your love to overcome this, then try, if not, then separate now while you can still remain civil. Hope that helps.

c1adycat

this is hard but... do u really really love her. if so, fight for her love ... if not, leave her.

shaneinpoco

if there are kids involved please try your hardest to work it out. if not leave her. both be happier in the long run. don't be available for her fall back guy either when it doesn't work out between her and the other guy.

aianne

Letting go doesn't mean that you are weak you're just doing the right thing. The question is do you still love her? and you think that you can go on with your life without her? You deserve someone who will love you faithfully, if you think she doesn't love you anymore, let her go and move on. (^_^)

LafemmeNikita

Well I am very sorry to hear this. But I do not think there is much you can doing about it. She tells you she has been in love with this man the entire time you have been together, says it all. One thing for sure, you have got to give her time to figure out what she wants and how things stand between you. If she decides to be with this other man, then you have to let her go. You cannot stay married to someone whose heart is somewhere else.

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