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My wife was not a virgin and I was, please help me.?
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My wife was not a virgin and I was, please help me.?

my wife an i were married two months ago. i knew she was not a virgin and it didn't bother me at the time, now it does. it bothers me that i was not her first, but she got to take my virginity. I feels like i was saving it up and denying myself pleasure all this time for nothing. it drives me crazy that we wern't able to have our first times together, like we should. why wasn't i good enough to wait for. i love her with all my heart but this really drives me crazy, it feels like a personal betrayal. i know it happened before we met each other, but still, she got to do it and i didn't and now i never will.
Additional Details
maybe i should be more explicit. Imagine if you had saved up your whole life for something that would be so special and then finally it happens, but it is only shared one way. the specialness is gone from it. it is like getting a gift with nothing inside the box.

note: Get over it is not an appropriate answer to how people feel. calling a person selfish and arrogant for having feelings is not acceptable. how would it be if i, as a police officer, told a rape or assault victim to just get over it and stop making such a big deal about it?
Ladies and gentlemen. In this world we are able to make decisions. these decisions have consequences to us and the people around us. perhaps i was so pleased to be getting married that this was overlooked for a little while, but now it is bothering me. imagine, a decision that was made by someone who you had never met, was made calously and in an irresponsible manner, and now you have to pay for those consequences.


    




ndnqt1966
You married her knowing she wasn't a virgin...you have nobody to blame but yourself. How can you consider it betrayal? She was honest about her not being a virgin. Do you lack common sense?


Katie
You are taking this WAY too personal. You made a choice to wait; she did not make that same choice. It had nothing to do with you being good enough. You knew this when you married her. Don't let this bother you; you are married, for crying out loud. She chose YOU.


gr8momgr8wifegr8life
who cares!!! you MARRIED her. You knew her past and so get over it. It shouldn't bother you now. The past is the past and she is married to YOU, not someone else.

She probably didn't know you yet. It happens.

Enjoy your life together. I hope you get over this, for both of your sakes.


D_
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I am glad that it was that way. I can see how it would bother you but at the same time, you knew this when you made the decision to marry her. She was honest with you so I don't know what else she could have done.

You need to tell her how you feel and work through this issue. If you don't, your feelings of hurt will just get stronger and stronger until it really is destructive to your relationship.


ronidl76
Rating
You're funny. Don't blame your wife for the personal decision you made, and don't throw it in her face either. You've got issues.


Brittany
My husband was a virgin and I wasn't. He felt the same way as you.

I just found out he cheated on me.

Go get some counseling. Please. It will be better for the both of you and your marriage. If you haven't talked to her about this already, you really should. And let her know that you are serious.

When my husband tried to talk to me about it he was sarcastic so I didn't think he was serious about it.

You also need to realize that she probably feels horrible about it. I do. Leave the past in the past...but if it's really bugging you get some counseling and talk to her about it.

Good luck!


Poppet
Rating
You need to get over it or seek counseling. There is nothing that can be done to change things.


Ming R
Rating
why are you driving yourself crazy??? she may not have been a virgin but you did have your first time together as husband and wife, and nobody can take that away from you.


HUH?
Rating
You need to keep in mind it is nothing personal. As for whether you were good enough to wait for she did not even know you so she could not make that decision. I am sure that she regrets it. You have chosen to spend your life with her and have given her your best. Let her do the same for you. It may not be her virginity but she has given you her life and isn't that ultimately worth a whole lot more?


Katrina
Okay sometimes it's normal to feel jealous- But with this you of course have to let go- obviously she didn't betray you, she wasn't with you. But if you love her, and I'm sure you do as you married her, you won't want to be with anyone else, and as she loves you, will be satisfied and commited to only you.
I had two other "partners" before the man I'm with and the love of my life. It's not even the same experience he's so amazing and wonderful it feels like I've never been with anyone else, he's the only one that matters.
You're feelings of insecurities will fade time.


Allison P
Rating
I have to say you really need to get help. If you knew before you were married that she was not a virgin, you can't blame her now. And who says you should have your first time together? Understand, the odds of meeting a virgin were against you anyway, but the fact that you have a woman who loved you enough to marry you, you're lucky. Don't blow it.


smileyone
The past is the past, you have to let it go.......

Do things in that way together that are "first" times for you both, and create your own first times with her.

She married you.... she choose you to spend her life with not any other man. Dont blame he for this past action, it will cause a rift in your relationship, and its really not worth it.


jo-jo
Rating
get over it. you made your own choice and she made hers. you married her. are you going to let this (something in the past and something that can't be changed) ruin your marriage? time to grow up, don't you think?


aircraft mech
Wow. And to think I don't even know how many men my love has been with, and I don't care! It was all before me.
I judge her from the time she first said she loves me, before that doesn't matter. Before that she wasn't mine. She dosen't judge me for things I did or didn't do.
I guess it must be nice to be able to say that you've never made a decision that would affect the rest of your life and then find out later that you would regret it or that it would cause someone else grief. What aperfect world you must live in, if not grow up.


Violation Notice
Rating
Counseling would be good for you. you need to get to the real root of the problem. Is her lack of virginity really bothering you that much or is something else bothering you and you just don't want to admit it? I hope that you can over come this. It didn't bother you before, why is it bothering you now. Did you want an excuse to hook up with another girl or do you think that she's cheating on you? There's a multitude of possibilities here. you really discuss this with a professional.


I tell it like it is
Congratulations, you are a rare breed! Instead of wasting your time here on this forum, go make up for lost time man!
Don`t worry about where she`s been, it`s who she`s with now that counts. You are not betrayed, you chose to wait and knew she was not a virgin. You are making a big deal out of nothing.
BTW, do you have any idea how lucky she must feel that she found a guy that is pure to the soul? She definitely loves you , and respects you for waiting just for her. Now, go make up for lost time!!!!


sima b
Rating
well..... i think u must not care about it.....maybe u love her too much and this is why u have a bad feeling...but close ur eyes to her past.... if she loves u too she will not repet it again....and if she did ,then u can decide about her !


Kitty
Are you serious?

I think you're making fun of people who are virgins - that's what I think. Fake question.


FBI(female body inspector)
do tell a virgin is rarity in the 21st century


Billy Voltaire
Dude you guys are in for a miserable marriage if you can't get over this. She was honest and open with you BEFORE you married her. My wife had been with 4 guys before we were married 9 years ago. It's like anything, if I sat here and fixated on that it might bother me thinking about someone else being intimate with my wife, but guess what, she wasn't my wife then and your wife wasn't your's when she did it. So you are taking something positive (and fairly uncommon) that you chose to do in your life by waiting for marriage, and you are turning it into a negative by obsessing with your wife's normal choice of having relationships before marriage. You need to move on, or sometime in the future she will be doing a different guy again because you guys will be DIVORCED.

PS I have always thought that on paper it looks romantic and special to wait till marriage, but most of the time the reality turns out to be something bad like what you are going through.


Skylight
Rating
sounds like a personal problem


RedRabbit
Maybe the guy she gave it to was worth it at the time. When I was engaged to another guy, I gave mine to him. Even though we are not together anymore, I do not regret it. She is with you now and you should be happy about that. Grow up. She is her own person and she chose to use her body the way she wanted to. If you keep this act up, you will be divorced in no time.


colgirl
Rating
hang on - i thought this was 2007? reading your post i thought we were still in the 1950s. Who cares if she wasn't a virgin - its hardly a big deal these days. If you wanted to wait then thats up to you but you shouldn't expect other people to feel the same as you.


Nicki
You knew before you married her....so deal with it!


Ryan
I understand you. I am in the same situation. I reserved myself for the woman I married. I do not want to be carrying history in my head, that is why I did not do it when I was still single. It is indeed painful. But there is nothing we can do. I know that you still love your wife. Don`t you think it`s just a measure of how we love our wives? Accepting them and their past. Sometimes I hurt myself because of rage.....


mark
according to duetronomy chapter 22 You are not married if she is not a virgin she doesn't belong to you you are sleeping with another mans wife becuase she made a blood sacrafice with the man who broke her hymen not you . You are only married under mans law god says he will not recognize your marriage. Also read leviticus you have no wife under gods laws ! Look up websters definition of whore ! Sorry buddy you lost !





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