My wife won't talk to me when we argue.?

Kristy

You are not pathetic. I want to say firstly, you helped me out just by posting this question. I am the SAME way!!!! My husband has a habit of getting in the car and going for a drive for an hour or so. It upsets me. I want to know his thoughts and what is going on.

The only thing I have been able to come up with is talking to him about this. My husband is a big talker, it's hard to get him to shut up most times. So talking to him is not a problem. When we go to bed at night, he has got to talk for like an hour first. (Too funny) Anyway, I just waited till one evening when we were both in a good mood and said to him "I want to talk to you about something"

I proceeded to tell him that it bothered me that he doesn't stick around when we are having an argument about something. I told him that if he just tried to stick around and deal with the issue, I would try to not pry so much.

Marriage is a give and take all the time. You got to give a little to get a little. You got to go about things together. That is really important. My husband was open and willing to try to do things differently to make it easier for the both of us. Of course since this leaving for an hour is a trait of his, he is not going to get over it over night. Neither am I going to quit worrying the man is just going to drive away on me, or try prying something out of him.

It takes time. Just remember, please wait till you are both in an okay mood and can talk calmly. If she loves you, she will listen because it is something that concerns you.

Thanks so much for this question. It just allows me to remember how much I love my hubby. :) Good luck and have a great night!

J T

Mine won't shut the **** up... I think your lucky.

Give her space let her cool down, then talk?

Emily Dew

When some people argue, their emotions get all churned up and that affects their ability to reason. Some of them know that about themselves and stalk off in an attempt to give themselves time to cool off so they won't say something they'll regret or make the situation worse. Then there are other people who know that the silent treatment drives their partner even more crazy, inspiring them to do it even more ... kind of passive-aggressive. I don't know which one your wife is, but these are some possible explanations. If you're wife is the type that needs to cool off, continuing after her is only going to stoke the fires and ensure a blow up. If she's the second type, you're contributing to your own despair. By letting her know how much her behaviour bothers you, you're giving her a big stick to hit you with.

Ashanza

You're not pathetic, don't blame yourself, that will not get you anywhere. She probably doesn't want to tlak to you about it because she either (in some cases) would not like to admit she's a mistake (mind you, I don't know her personality), she's afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or maybe she doens't have a clear idea on what's wrong. Either way, it's hard to predict (especially with women, I know I'm contradicting myself, but I find this to be true - we have too many emotions that are too intense sometimes and are hard to straighten out or identify). My suggestion is don't leave a note, it doens't do anything - instead, when your wife goes into a room, stand outside the door and say something like, "alright, I'll let you have your time. But please, talk to me when you're ready. I'm here for you, I love you, and I don't want anything to upset you. I can help you." Really, nothing makes a woman cool down than knowng her guy has patience and will wait for her.

sexyredone

To be honest there is nothing wrong with you wanting to talk about the issues and solving the problem'(S). A lot of people have given you advice and letting her cool off is a good one. But once she as cooled off depending on the problem she needs to talk to you about it.
Folks it's called ownership and responsibility of the relationship. So regardless of the problem or issue she needs to talk to you. Espeshily if you have questions and need answers. Also it all depends on on the problem if it is small then you should try and let it go. Forgiveness is a great thing and very powerful in a relationship. Also as a reminder if you are going to forgive that is something that comes from you heart. So if you forgive then you need to let it go. But sometimes you can only let go after you talk.
Well anyway if it is a major problem and issue like I said she needs to talk. She might have a hard time especialy if she is at fault for the problem. She may have a hard time dealing with the fact that she is wrong and may have disapointed you. She could be feeling ashamed and embaresed. I know if I do something that is disapointing to my husband and show him disrespect I feel that way.
But I will tell you this My husband and I have been together for ten years . I can share this much with you here are a few things any good or great mariage has LOVE, TRUST, HONESTY, RESPECT, OPEN COMUNICATION, UNDERSTANDING and able to LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER. Also it takes both people in the relationship working together to make this happen.
If your wife has any respect for you as her husband she should sit and talk to you. You do not solve problems by not talking. If the issuse and problems are big enough and are a consern for you then you two should talk.
Yes there is always room for forgivness ALWAYS. So try and talk to her in a loving way and not in an acusing way. And try to be understanding of her feelings. If you two love each other and from exsperince LOVE OVER COMES ALL and LOVE ENDURES ALL. So if she is commited she should talk.
Over time this can lead to more issues in your marriage if you two do not start talking. This will happen in most marriages one person will become upset and mad over time and want out because the other person is not holding up their end. Then when the devorce comes the other person is left wondering (WHY?). Well if you listened in the first place and worked on things you would not end up in that position. So for you two I hope this was a help and she will talk with you. Communication is a big thing good luck.

roswell75

Not pathetic. You just love her. But stop following her. It takes two people to be in a relationship, and she's not participating. Thing is, you can't make her. I went through the same cycle. I did everything "right" to try to communicate. Then I stopped trying to communicate, not to use reverse psychology, but just b/c it hurt too much to keep getting shot down. I emailed, I called, I text, did spontaneous talks, tried to schedule times to talk. Can't make a person talk if they don't want to.

So I stopped trying, tried to appreciate my life as it was, but made it clear in a calm and loving manner that I was hurt, but that I accepted that my spouse didn't want to talk to me about "us". And in my head, I love my spouse, am still in love with my spouse, but 3 years of waiting and not really connecting (15 years together) I just know that I love myself more. And when it comes time, I'll know when to stop trying and move on. I just have to keep living each day, try not to expect anything to change, but carry the hope in a realistic way.

Just trust YOURSELF to know that you will move in whatever the right direction is, in the right time, regardless of what she does or doesn't do. Unfortunately, the answer she's giving you is the one that hurts. If she can't share WHY she can't connect with you, you can't make her. Stick it out b/c you love her...until you're at peace to let go and walk away. OR maybe whatever she has to figure out, she will...and she'll "come back". Either way, you have a good life in front of you. So live it. Enjoy it without having the waiting and the loving drag you down.

Good luck.

soprano

Wow! You sound like a really sweet guy! Hang in there!

I have to admit I have done the same thing to my husband...usually b/c he is yelling or name calling (always a bad idea).

Maybe she just needs to cool off. Perhaps you should bring this issue up with her when you are not in an argument.

Take her out to dinner, some place a bit private...make sure to keep the car keys in your pocket :)...
Start with compliments, how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, etc. etc. then tell her that part of marriage is sorting out problems. This can be done! It is possible.
I would never actually "tell" her this but maybe she needs a bit of therapy - everyone does :)
It sounds as if she has some difficulty resolving conflict. Part of that comes with maturity (sorry if that sounds insulting).

The longer you are married, the more she will realize...it's better to talk things through and not fight or simply ignore the problem - especially if you guys plan on having children.

Good luck!!!

(Â¯'Â·._.Â·Natashaâ™¥Â·._.Â·'Â¯)

Awww no, you're not pathetic!!! My fiance is just like you, and thats exactly what I try to do when we are fighting (in really bad cases) but he doesn't let that happen.

She probably knows you're right and doesn't want to admit it!!!

You can't solve the problem though if she won't talk to you. Tell her she has to talk about it eventually before things get so bad they can't be fixed.

daljack -a girl

Maybe she walks away because otherwise she may lose her temper.

Give her some space and tell her that you still want to talk about the problem the next day.

Some people have no idea how to have a constructive discussion....maybe she needs some marriage counseling.

Ruthie

I do the same thing. One of my biggest flaws as a person is that I absolutely HATE talking about my feelings especially when I'm mad or upset. (there's something to admit huh) Usually when I say my feelings out loud I realize how stupid I really am being and then feel really embarassed so i try to keep it all in so I don't look like I'm being a psychotic emotional nut case. (which of course makes me look even more like a psychotic emotional nut case) She needs to calm down and realize for herself that this isn't the way to go about it. Don't follow her into any room when she goes, just leave her alone for awhile. She's your wife, she will talk to you at some point. When she does you need to address the situation. Try to do it calmly and if she starts up again possibly start some couples counseling. (sorry i can't be of more help, usually when I calm down I'm ready to talk)
You are not pathetic, you are just a baffled husband trying to figure out the inner workings of your wife. Ask any married man, it's not uncommon by any means. :D

Captain Crunch

No not pathetic, at least you are trying. I would say its all one sided at this point. She either does not have an answer for your questions or thinks she is superior and does not have to give one. What you need is a mediator like a professional counselor who can bridge the gap and maybe give you both some skill in how to argue/negotiate.

Mr. Mike

You and I are the same way. My wife was this way once. Your wife is probably processing this info that you are talking about. At least that is what my wife just said about your situation.
I would wait until she is not steamed, or when she is in a good mood. And talk about how you believe that communication is key to a wonderful marriage. She should understand that to make it work it must be talked through and each persons views totally communicated. This is a delicate issue, but hopefully when she is in a better mood you can work to improve her communication skills so the next time you have an arguement, you will hear her out. And she will be patient and listen to you too. I would recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Or maybe even counceling. I would love to go through counceling even though things are pretty good. I am always looking for improvement of our marriage. But if you don't have good communication you could be thrown my a small argument.

Ashlee

No No No! You are not pathetic and if so than my husband is too lol. I act the same ways sometimes. Yes it is very immature and childish of us to act that way but it also could be a depression that she needs to cope herself with. Sometimes its best to just leave her alone for awhile and she will come to you then -- at least I hope so thats what I do when my husband really does leave me alone.

Good Luck

savor

sometimes, after i argue with my husband , he tries to apologize but i want him to work harder so i just ignore him, or i say leave me alone too. it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's good that you listen to her though , i don't know that many guys who actually does that. maybe she wants you to feel bad about what ever happened .

idahogrl24

I do the same thing when i'm really mad. I don't want to say the wrong thing so I leave and calm myself down before I can talk it out with my significant other.

nervous

You may have a good thing and don't know it.

thebigB

Maybe she doesnt want to stay and bicker because she thinks it might get out of hand or maybe she feels like she cant think so she wants to be left alone about the issue.

Robert C

she uses that tactic as control - it's a really poor communication skill- best thing to do is give up ASAP - she'll start to worry you don't care and boy will she start talking then you watch

for days? that shows a total unwillingness on her part to work on this relationship- it's lame she is totally manipulating and controlling you - ignore her - and consider moving on she sounds like a lot of friggen work!

Please print my response and leave it for her to read

Annie

Maybe she is scared of what she might say, or that you might say something about the way that she feels is stupid. You have got to make her understand that she can tell you anything, good or bad. Express to her how much you NEED her to talk to you in times when you argue, for you to be able to move on and feel wanted. It's your right as a husband to be able to talk to her like that without her getting upset at you. Good luck. If all else fails, try going to a shrink with her.

MiaMonique

Phillip, are you my husband and I don't know it? LOL. My husband says I go into "mute mode" when he wants to "discuss" something and I don't. I also go to the bedroom and close the door, but he follows. Once I locked the door, but I just made things worse, so I'm not pulling that one anymore. Arguments, sermons, and discussions just give me a headache and make me nauseous. I love my husband, but I don't know how to tell him what I think without hurting him, so I choose to just say nothing. I'm better at just showing him I love him and I care...without saying much.

Riley S

You are trying very hard to be reasonable, its just when two people are married its hard to keep your feelings about things to yourself or people are afraid that they will hurt someone. As well as she is probably confused about a few things so she has a lot on her mind so just let her go and think about everything eventually if you stop asking her to talk about it she will start to actually want to talk about it more.

musicXlvrX565

When she leaves to another room, keep following her. Really. If she's like most girls I know, she wants you to follow. EXCEPT.....

......you can ask her your question the first time, but the second time you follow her, don't bring it up. Just sit next to her and tell her that you're sorry for upsetting her. That's it. If you want, you can try to give her a hug, but if she is really mad, that could make her madder. After you say sorry, she'll start to lighten up. If you wait a bit/follow whatever conversation comes up for a while, you can tell her how important it is to you that the two of you talk it out. Somehow come up with a way to have her give HER side of the arguement first. She'll probably like that. You could say something along the lines of "why is this important to you?" or some other question to get the conversation going in her favor (which may be what she wants). If this doesn't work, let her cool off a little bit longer.

IMPORTANT....
1. Don't yell at her or talk condescendingly to her. If you do, this will start all over again.
2. Don't ask her why she doesn't want to talk about it. It will only remind her why.
3. Don't repeat back what she says. One, it doesn't prove you're an effective listener (you comprehend what you hear entirely) it only proves that you heard what she said, not what she meant. Two, if you do rephrase what she says (which is okay every once in a while) make sure it is not always to prove her wrong. Give her some credit. It will keep her from running.

I really hope this helps. Girls are complicated, I know.

little luxuries

i cant believe I'm gonna say this!! i do the same thing and i do it because i want my husband to keep asking!!! one tI'me my husband did the same thing to me and i was shocked!! i guess what I'm saying is you should give her a taste of her own medicine. im not saying it in a mean way! really!! i just mean if you have a fight just walk away and see what happens. she will likely go to another room too. but that is fine. do not go to her. just stay silent i know it might be hard but i promise if you do this a couple of times she will not like it! she will come to you!!

Bo B

no you aren't. she's just not a good listener and that's her way of making an exit from the conversation. find some way to talk to her when you are not mad at eachother. sit her down and say you really want to figure out a system because you love her very much and you feel like your arguments are not resolving anything or progressing your relationship. ask her what she has to say after you've provided your thesis/standing point- and be sure to let her voice her opinion, as to make her feel welcome, unpressured, and not cornered into a fight. Make compromise, and then tell her how you feel after she has spoken. try not to interrupt her when she speaks, and ask her kindly to let you finish if she tries to intervine while you are talking.
hopefully you'll be able to make an agreement and a strategy of how to handle eachother. it's just another stepping stone of getting to know and love eachother more in your relationship.
the next time she doesn't want to listen in a minor argument just give her a hug and don't let go. look her in the eyes and say you love her too much to fight. that'll make her melt!
good luck!

Bo B

Linda in Lancaster & lovin it!

I do exactly what she does and my husband does exactly what you do. I just try to get away and get a little peace and get my thoughts together. He wants to keep going over the same thing again and again until he convinces me he's right and I don't want to hear it. I just want to get my thoughts together and when we are both calm talk things over. It may work for you, too.

suzieqmailnutz

Nagging will make things worse. Try bring up the subject, while the subject is not the issue. I like to hear that you tried the effective listening skills, but maybe you need to go to marriage counseling. I was like you and would follow my husband, I have learned to give him his space when asked and to talk about issues then they are not issues at that time. My husband still says that my bad habit is that I like to talk rather than to listen or he may need to just air out and I try to come up with a solution. We both have learned that when we just need to air out, we will say, hun, listen, I am just airing out. Good Luck.

.+.!$LaNd-GuRL.+.

haha!...my boyfriend is somtimes like that to me, and i told him to leave me alone, too...
but you know wat? just give her time to think...and just leave the problem alone...dont bring the problem back cause if you do, your on your own....
if the relationship doesnt work out, and she wants to divorce right away, well talk to her about it...
if the relationship works out because of my advice than
i hope you guys have a fascinating lovelife....

sincerely,
tamara

leaf

let her cool off and then talk about it

Nel G

My wife use to play that little game with me until, " the silent treatment" oh I know how you hate it when I don't talk to you and I won't talk to you for days ect... then I realized Hey, shes not talking, " thats Great !!!"

kc_4bez07

try to give her time to think, wait for her to come to you before you ask ?z.

Boo!

my ex use to do this to me...he use to go for drives all the time and when he is mad he use to travel to different cities. I use to get so scared of him having a car accident (in case he is driving fast etc) - if he's safe etc... the fights got worse, one even lasted two weeks. I called it off the time the argument lasted two weeks and at that point he wanted to talk! Lucky me!! We ended up getting back together - it didnt last long though. It just then got to the point that he couldn't see things from my point of view and every time we argued, he was ALWAYS right. Things got harder - to the extent i use to suffer with tension headaches. I ended up leaving him. I couldn't carry on with saying sorry to him for things that were not my fault anymore - that's how much i loved him and wanted to stay with him. I realised i was worth more. Although it did not work out for me, i hope it does for u.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: