Never enough: my husband is never pleased?

So I got a job, it pays well hourly commission.

My husband works, and well I finally nailed an interview and got a job after being laid off for quite some time. Now that I'm working I feel so much better contributing to the household, I actually did really well my first week, my manager was impressed with me and I'm really happy with my progress. However on Friday my manager (jokingly) said "hey why don't ya work this weekend" and I jokingly said "yeah only if you pay me time and a half" we laughed and that was it. I mentioned that to my husband and he got all "well why didn't you say yes.. that's more money right there" blah blah blah.. Then he tells me that I'm basically lazy, that I just want to work the least amount of days as I can. It's like when I don't work, I should work, and when I do work, I don't work enough.

At my old job, before I got laid off, I was in accounting, he would say that I don't work as nearly as hard as him so in the end I would have to work and do everything. Now that I'm working this job, I'm still doing everything: laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning... you name it I do it. The only thing he does now is pack up his own lunch. I ask him to help and he says "but I work", I tell him "I work too" he says "I work harder". I just can't seem to win with him ever.

I don't work, I'm lazy. I get a job, I don't work hard enough.
Additional Details
It's Sunday night now, and he's still stuck on the whole "I didn't work this weekend" thing.

He also said I was selfish because I told him that I wanted to take some of the commission money and finally get braces.

We're not in debt, nor do we have massive bills, yes, he does pay all the bills, and yes my cheque does go to bills and whatever too-- I would just like to enjoy some of the money I work to get too.

AmBeautiful

A guy like that wont change. You have to TAKE your authority. If you want braces, then get frickin' braces. Stop asking his permission and approval. He wont be fair anyway. You cant be passive with this dude.

If you work, you pay your portion of the bills, and the rest is yours. You are angry because you gave your power away.

petra

Stop doing his dishes, laundry etc.. Just do your own domestics and he will get the point.

Heabo's Wifey

Well, first off, I think you are doing great if you are working after being laid off for a while. That is a major step, especially with the job market. So, my opinion is, I think he should be grateful that he has a wife that works, and takes care of him, and the house work. House work is a job too, and no offense to any man, but they never realize that until we don't do it anymore. Just tell him that you are doing the best you can, and if he doesn't like it, then you are sorry for him. Also, make sure you let him know that you are trying, and it doesn't matter who works harder, you both have a job, and that is what matters most. Good luck with everything.

Vanessa

The surest way to fix this is to sack yourself from your home duties, and refuse to do anything until he stops complaining. Let his washing dishes, everything pile up, then he'll notice how much you really do! It worked for me, give it a try I hope it works for you too.

PS. I also agree with the person above me. You NEED to take your power back. He won't give it to you so you'll have to fight for it.

Lola

do you have kids yet?

Debra

It doesn't matter what type of house hold you have, Married couple, single Mom and kids roommates and so on.. There should be a team in a home to be fair to every one and to respect and be considerate of each others feelings you are in this together so you need to work as a team and share the responsibilities!

agcgartner

You have a male that wants it all. his way. This is at the moment a marriage of give, give, give and take, take, take. You can guess who is doing what. You probably have discussed your sentiments with him and got nowhere? You might need a third party. Marriage counseling? If you are not part of a church to see the pastor to give you counseling you are going to have to do something to get peace and sanity back in the home (if it ever was there).
Otherwise you might have to separate yourself for awhile to get the differences worked out.
A man's job is to provide for his family. Not a woman's job unless she is divorced or widowed. Maybe he is prepping you?

First namekjkj

Imagine if you could be free from that torture, be in charge of your own money, have your freedom and date a nice man who respected you and valued you .

I can tell you honey, that it wont come from him.

Im seriously thinking about leaving my husband. I dont have anyone one the side or anything, but it is for similar reasons. He makes me feel terrible, when I do nothing wrong.

Lets not put up with this.

nikki

what bothers me about this is he should help around the house sometimes laundry,dishes etc.. BUT I WORK HARDER men dont care about being clean or having a clean house thats A WOMANS JOB+ WORK+KIDS BECAUSE THEY WORK HARDER IT SHOULD BE MORE EVEN BETWEEN THE 2 OF YOU BUT ALSO WHEN HE SHOWS THAT EFFORT TO HELP YOU AROUND THE HOUSE REGULARLY THEN HELP PAY THOSE BILLS UNTIL THEN TREAT YOUR SELF !!! SCREW THAT IF YOU CANT BEAT EM' JOIN EM!

pioneer

Hi Sarah - frustrating situation! My guess is, you two have several common problems:

1) he puts his needs first, and doesn't respect you as an equal partner

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/respect.htm

Try asking him calmly "Whose needs are more important to you - yours or mine?" If he avoids answering, ask him again. (The best answer is "Our needs ae equally important to me.")

2) you two have several values conflicts, and don't know how to resolve them as mutually-respectful partners:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/vc.htm

3) You may not know what your rights are a a worthy, dignified person, and/or you may not know how to assert them effectively:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/rights.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm

4) You two don't know how to identify what you each need, and then problems-solve together:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/dig.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/ps.htm

This is a LOT to absorb, so take your time. Ideally, he'll read these articles too, and you can discuss what to do with them a partners.

Finally, blaming and name-calling are common symptoms of psychological wounds. See if this describes your husband:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm

If so, see this:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm

Oveall, see if some of the examples here are useful:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/options.htm

You have a LOT of options before towel-throwing! If any of these articles bring up new questions, please ask!

Heather

say this to him " would you rather i stay home and you complain about me not having a job or would you rather shut up or congratulate me on whatever i have right now" if he can pay everything by himself and your not really necessary to work and if your working to make money for yourself but still helping some even though it may not be necessary, then just tell him you don't really have to work because you chose to and that if you were really lazy like he says you are you wouldn't be working at all. Weekends are supposed to be for relaxation anyways =D

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