Newlywed troubles, a very twisted situation: What should I do?

We've been married a few months now and I suppose like any marriage, we've had our ups and downs. When his friends found out I was friends with a girl they didn't like, they (his friends) asked me to stop being friends with her and I refused - this is my friend and I cherish her plenty. She hasn't done anything but love and support me. Mind you, these friends are in their 30s and should not be telling me who to be friends with!!! A lot of name-calling occurred between the two parties (my friend and his friends) and at the end of the day, his friends asked me to stop talking to her. Because I refused, they dragged my poor husband into this and told him how disrespectful my friend was to them, however, THEY WERE JUST AS RUDE! Because I chose to remain friends with her, my husband's friends then requested that I was not in attendance in their presence at social events, etc. They also sent me rude messages along with name calling because I remained friends with the girl they dislike. I did not act rudely to them nor did I say anything rude to them, all I expressed was that I will remain friends with her and if they didn't like her, then they don't have to be friends with her - no hard feelings. I honestly feel that I have taken the mature route this entire time and I also feel I should be able to be friends with whomever I wish as long as they don't disrespect me or my husband. So, his friends continue to be rude to me and my friend (this is over the internet, not in person), my friend is being rude back, however, I have chosen not to comment - I am out of this. HIS FRIENDS ARE IMMATURE BEYOND ANYTHING I'VE SEEN. My husband's friends put a strain on their friendship with him, and my friendship with them is now non-existent (how can I be friends with people who are trying to force me to get rid of a friend and then are rude and mean to me because I don't want to break off my friendship with her??). Because of all of this tension my husband now wants me to stop being friends with her period. I told him that I haven't been rude to his friends and that I do not want to choose between friendships but he still wants me to break off my friendship with her. THIS IS MY PROBLEM: after the rude comments from his friends and everything that they've done to be mean to me, he hasn't stood up for me and hasn't told them to back off! He blames this whole thing on me and says that I should just cut my friendship off - in his words, "this is the solution - cut her off." I've told him how I felt already, I've been very forward with my feelings: I feel alone in this while his friends are bashing me, I feel betrayed by him for not standing up for me (because I did NOTHING WRONG) and I've told him that I feel so unsupported. I told him that don't want to draw a line between me and his friends but I feel that he has already chosen to side with his disrespectful friends.... he wants me to cut off my friendship and never see her again, mind you, this girl has done NOTHING wrong to him and even when I pointed this out, he said "SHE is the reason all this fighting is happening." What should I do? We left off on a bad note, I've told him everything that I was feeling and he just laughed and said it was my fault and said I should just cut off my relationship with my friend. I told him I didn't want to ruin my friendship with her and this is where we butt heads. This is ruining my marriage and my friendships. I want a husband that stands by his woman, that will stand up for me in front of his disrespectful friends! He knows how hurt I am because I've been very open with my feelings but he doesn't give a crap, he just wants me to dissolve my friendship because HIS friends don't like her, and this, I feel, is just wrong!!! I feel that if we weren't married, I would have broken up with him but because we are married, I'm at a loss. Help!
Additional Details
Quick clarification: and thank you for your responses you guys are amazing:

The husband's friend's don't like my friend because my friend publicly called someone a **** (over the internet) - yeah, dumb and silly huh? Nothing awful but still wrong and I have told her she shouldn't bother with them but both parties are just attacking each other and both won't stop! No one is listening to me when I tell them to drop it.

My friend doesn't do drugs nor is she promiscuous nor does she have a bad reputation.

Ontheotherhand

Is this a marital question, or a cool kid table in the high school cafeteria question? I don't know your husband, but I do know that ANYBODY that attacked my wife, would no longer be a friend. EVER. Heck, they'd risk a boot up their butts. In your place, I doubt I'd be on yahoo answers about this, I'd more likely to be talking to a lawyer. Don't any of your acquaintances have lives and jobs? They sound more like 12 year old children. I can only say that IF my wife sided with anybody else against me, we'd be divorced asap. And, I love my wife more that life itself.

Guytheterrible

I couldn't read this.

Paragraphs. Paragraphs. Paragraphs. One thought one paragraph.

Confused

It seems to me that your husband is now the issue of all the problems. Knowing the ages of his friends, you guys must not be much younger or older than them. And it is sad that not everyone can act their age and be adults. In a marriage, sometimes you guys just have to agree to disagree and come up with some kind of compromise. He has his friends and you have yours. Those friends do not have to mix with each other. It is as easy as that. And his friends should not start hassling you because of an altercation between your girlfriend. Your husband should have been the mature one to say that it is not right how his friends are treating you, one because you are his wife, and two, the problem had nothing to do with you. You just know the girl. No one should have to lose a friend in this situation. And no one should try to make you either. What needs to happen, is everybody involved just needs to grow up. Your husband especially. Yes his friends sound just as stupid, but your husband should stand up for you and he is not. He is just doing what his friends are telling him. And that kind of stuff is what happens in high school. You guys need to come to a compromise and your husband is going to have to tell his friends to back off. He can keep his friends, and you can keep yours. They will just never spend anytime together. Your husband needs to tell his friends that they need to stop being rude towards you because you are not a part of the problem. And you should still be able to hang out with is friends without a problem. And then, you can just hang out with your girlfriend some other time. But your girlfriend also needs to be told to stop. And you are going to have to be the one to do it, just as your husband needs to tell his friends to grow up. This whole situation is just ridiculous and I cant believe that stuff like this actually still happens after high school. Good luck and stand your ground. At least one person has to act their age, because it looks like no one else is.

s_collins717

Your husband needs to be a man and tell his friends to drop it. The whole situation is ridiculous. Sounds like they all need to grow up and stop acting like a bunch of over dramatic teenagers.

jarielt87

First of all I can say is this sounds like high school drama. My questions are why do his friends dislike your friend so much? Have you told your friend that if she acts as rude as they do she is stooping to their level? Is there anyway to sit down and talk further about it with your husband letting him know you feel its hurting relationships?

I feel like the only way to get through this and be happy is to keep talking it through with your husband, your friends, and somehow reach his friends also. It all seems pretty immature to me and sounds like your trying your best to be the bigger person. If its difficult to get your point across in words maybe try a letter.

cezani1

Usually it is poor form to answer a question with a question but here goes. Does your friend do drugs? (not an assumption just a question) does she have a reputation for being promiscuous? does her behavior in any way reflect on you? If not keep your friend stand by your friends and hopefully your husband can eventually grow up and stand by his woman. Of course assuming that your friends behavior is upstanding.

deserontoshamrock

go home to your parents, until he grows up.
friends are for life, men are temporary.

krinkn

I agree..this whole situation is way beyond immature...it is infantile. I am amazed that he is asking you to choose between him and her. I cannot believe that all of y'all have let this thing get so out of hand.

Your friend shouldn't have done what she did. Your husband's friends should have let it go. You should have let it go - so what if she's not included in all your social activities. Your husband should have supported you.You all should have done better.

Here is what I suggest. Decide which is more important, your husband or your girlfriend.

If you love your husband and you want to build a lasting relationship, the two of you need to work hard to regain the trust and respect you have lost for each other.

Keep your girlfriend, but tell her you are going to take some time to work on your primary relationship (your marriage) and you will stay in touch. (stay in touch, but limit it to simple phone calls)

Do not throw her in your husband's face (although do not lie about it either). Do not throw her in the faces of the other friends.

You don't have to have a relationship with those other people. Be polite, but I wouldn't waste too much sweat over them. They are obviously not very nice people.

Best of luck

native1

Sounds to me like you are the only mature adult in this mess .
You have every right to be upset with your husband . What he is doing is very disrespectful to you .
The way I see it is you could ..
A Tell your husband that if you have to break off the friendship with this girl then he has to break the friendship with his friends . No exceptions .
B You and your husband agree to leave the friendships at the door .
Example , you and your friend goes out shopping , you come home and never mention her name in the presence of your husband .
He goes out with his friends , comes home and never mentions their names .
As far as his friends telling you what you can and can not do such as attend social events in their presence ... B.S. ! And your husband needs to be telling them that where you are not welcome he is not welcome . Period !!
C Talk to your husband about going to counseling . If these issues are not taken care of soon you could be in trouble before you start .
I wish you the very best .

Craig c

I love my wife and we have been married just over 20 years she has friend and one of them is her ex, they have been friends for over 25 years, I would never tell her who she can or can not be friends with. I don't think anyone has the right to tell you what you MUST do. I say that everyone needs to stay out of it and your husband needs to grow some balls and support his wife.

Mainmaster

Tell him you will get rid of your friend if he gets rid of his, thats the deal and its final. Also to grow some damn balls and stand up for you. You want a man. not a boy.

bull

IS THIS your life's story,or a novel ,who has time to read this,you sure are a loss.next time cut it down please,or CONDENSE IT.readers digest

xodirtbikechickx

I'm sorry your having troubles,
by the sounds of it your husband is being just as immature as they are, for not listening to what you have to say! Try harder to get through to him, because if he is backing you up, maybe you have a chance to get through to his friends. Or try counsling, he sounds like he is going through a wierd phase! But if your friend has done nothing wrong don't just cut her off because you want peace with the guys. She is more kind to you than they are.

silf6607

You are totally correct. These "friends" of his are not friends if they are disrespecting you. Why don't they like this girl? Did she really do something awful to them? You should not have be told who to be friends with. You keep your stance and do not sink to their immature level.

Bree

You Should: Tell ur husband to tell them to back off and if he can't do that then screw him!

Naudigirl S4

My dear, i can see already you are the stronger link. If she has done nothing to you, there is no reason for you two to break your friendship. He (your husband) and his friends need to put some pants on and become men. I dont feel this for terms of divorce but he just has to deal with it. Does he have a friend you do not like? Let him know, and tell him about the lack of fuss you have put up about his friend(s) if so. If you 2 hang and have no contact with him or his friends while doin so, screw whatever they say. Be your own woman; if your hubby cant deal with it, he's his just jumpin on the bandwagon his immature friends are riding on. Your fault?! Now Way! Who starts the conversation about her? If they do, it's cuz they are thinking of her, and if she bothers them so much, why are they thinking of her? Do you really have to announce to them all when you spend time w/her? You have your friends and your husband has his; if both groups cannot chill together, than reinstate your 'friend time' as your 'alone time' w/o the husband. You put on the pants, tell your man you will chose as you wish, just as he has chosen his friends and then see who comes crawlin back to who! You have the upper hand! Best of luck!

Garnet Glitter

How OLD are all of you.....what is this, Junior high school????

If I had you all in the same room together i would either be knocking your heads together or shaking some sense into the lot of you.

Okay, this is how I see it...both your friend & your husbands friends are being immature and need to grow up.

Your husband's Friends have NO D@MN right to tell you who you can associate with....they should have been told to 'F-Off' in no uncertain terms.

Your husband is an @ss whole...sorry. His friends are controlling jack-asses......your friend is an immature brat-have him read this, too.

Say to him " I will dump my friend, if you dump yours....they are just as guilty in participating in this kinder garden nonsense as my friend is. So if I have to loose her, YOU have to loose them.....no exceptions."

Then tell him you don't like his friends and since he wants you to dump the friends he doesn't like, then he has to dump the friends you don't like...after all why should it be ALL HIS WAY.

When he goes out with his friends, since you are now exiled from their company because you won't kow tow to them, spend that time with your friend.

And if along the way you happen to meet a reasonable mature man......well, wish your husband a happy life...with his friends.

wow.

Now I will tell you what I would do.

1) drop the trouble making friend of mine
2) drop the trouble making friends of the husband...have absolutely nothing to do with them....if he invites them over.....I would dissappear. I would decline all invites from them....and in a very refined way tell them all to go to you know where.
3) Tell the hubby if he doesn't like it he can lump it.'Cause like him, I don't give a crap.
4) get myself a new set of mature friends.
5)..and tell the hubby he's lucky if our marriage is still intact by next year because he obviously loves his friends more than his wife.

sounds like a teen drama,
you shouldve known about before you got married. ...or shouldve worked it out before hand, ..
i dont see your marriage lasting, when in all reality something this minor is causing a problem.
Both sound too immature for marriage especially him, ..
and again, you shouldnt have married him.

rosey

wow everyone in this situation sounds extremely immature like their minds were left in high school... i feel sorry for u that your husband is not man enough to tell his friends to leave u the uuhh ohhh alone ya know. u need to tell him he needs to man up baby girl unless he is really married to his friends

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: