Partner or parents?

They're both extremely selfish for giving out ultimatums. Personally I would put my foot down. I'd say "mom, he's my husband. You don't have to like him but you do have to be respectful of my choices and do not give me any more ultimatums. You will not like the outcome"
Then I'd say basically the same thing to the hubby.
Ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships.

Allison, aka Nice Lady

Why the hell can't people have husbands and wives rather than partners anymore?

But if I can take poetic license and use the word "spouse" - yes your spouse and kids are your family and are first priority.

Oh and by the way if every marriage where mother in laws hated people meant a divorce, then nobody would be married. Mothers in law are the worst offenders in meddling with marriages.

bigboy

partner should come first

AnneShirley03-03-07

I say i am not religious but,,,, i always remembera saying in the bible, when a woman becomes a wife she must leave her mother and father and stick to her husband...and i think everyone would say that your children come before you sisters brothers and parents.

Valerie X

"and for this reason a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. And the two shall become one flesh"

Spouse first, sorry.

kim h

Your spouse and your kids are now your family. I would not care if they did not like each other. Your mom does not have to live with him and he doesn't have to live with her. I would tell the both of them to grow up. I would not let anyone bully me into anything. Tell them that they are to try to get along because they both love you and you love both of them. Tell them that you will not choose. The mother is the biggest problem. Tell her not to push the issue about you choosing because she will lose. Lay down the law and stick to your word.

gypsy g

I'd tell them both that if they really loved me then they would get along for my sake. Neither of them should EVER make you choose between them.
But on another note...my children would win over either of them.

nwnativeprincess

your husband and your children are your family and your first priority. For either of them to put you in the middle and make demands on you is unfair. Tell them to work out their problems and that you love them both equally.

rorybuns

My mom and partner don't get along either (also close to mom). I just go over to her house and let him stay home. Keep them separate.

Don't let them make ultimatums, tell them you are not choosing either. If they love you, they'll let you have the other in your life.

countryguyhfc

If you are married, your spouse and children come first.
It is unfair of both your spouse and your mum to put pressure on you, they both should be looking out for your best interests and not their own. That is what loving parents and partners do. If they love you they will put their differences aside for you.

Mrs. Jack Sparrow â™¥

Hubby + children, then parents + siblings and you need to sit them both down and tell them you have had enough...that that is your mom and you can't change that and tell your mum to stop talking about hubby...you don't want it to strain the relationship between you two.

splashdesign238

Your marraige and partner should always come first in the list of priority and importance.

Your family, children, friends and other external influences should always take a secondary position in your relationship.

Except in the case of extreme marrital discourse, when you have absolutely no one for support.

oh_jo123

well family is first and I consider that to be my fiance and my child. my mom hated my ex husband and wanted him out of my life but she learned to like him.... the only thing is now she still does EUGH!!!!!!

New Nana

Bless you. You leave the Mother and Fathers ties to marry, but you should never be given the choice of leaving your parents behind. We marry many times if we choose, but God gives us ONE set of parents.

starlet108

Love them both equally and tell each of them to 'deal with it' xx

footballclubchelsea

they have to be your new family but you cant forget your mum and dad with out them you wouldnt be here would you

just curious

That is sooo wrong for either side to give ultimatums! But you should love both families the same. Most people would say though that the wife comes over the mother unless she is sick or needs your help of course.

cuffyn

If your mum and you partner loved you they would not give you ultimatums. If they loved you they would accept each other for your sake.

My kids are my family, and anyone outside my home who is related to me is my extended family (apart from the ones I hate, they are people I unfortunately know)

Jenn

They are both my family, but if there's a conflict with our extended family we stick together, always.

mandst1499

Hi hun, mine are the same :( its a crap situation to be in - but yes your 'new' family is your new life you, your partner and your children - although your family will always be there for you or should be! - neither side should be giving ultimatums - if each love you - they shud not ask you to choose as it is impossible!! Ask each to just let you get on with it and ignore each other 0 if they dont want contact - then thats all well and good basically tell them if they cant say anything nice say nothing at all - and that goes for everythin they do. My partner and my family have no contact and i keep them totally seperate i know if i have a prob i can go to both but if i hav a problem with either of them i cannot go to the other cos they are bias and you know wot they'l say! Good luck! hope ya work it out :D xx

lovebug

try and get them to sort out their differences, and explain to them both that they are both very I'mportant to you but you wont be made to choose between them,tell them that it upsets you and try and involve both in something you can all do together once a week perhaps to begin with,anything that makes you all laugh together , people have to have time to get to know each other, even in-laws,make it clear though that you will not choose who to spend time with, if they want to be silly they will be the one to miss out.
hope things work out im sure they will just hang in there.xx

julee1322

your husband/wife and kids must always come first but if they are making you choose i would tell them both that you are leaving and never want to see either of them again unless they try to get on

Scorpio

Thank you Valerie X....I was thinking about that exact same quote. You beat me to the punch. That says it all.

Had a similar problem between my mother and my wife. I made it clear to my mother that my wife was my priority and that would never change. It took almost 10 years, but now my wife and mom are almost buddies. I still can't believe how that worked out.

Tina

Your husband and children become your family that comes first. Your parents and siblings are still considered your immediate family.
I'm in the exact predicament right now! My mother HATES my fiance and he feels the same toward her...to the point that the last communication they had was a cursing match. My fiance never asked me to choose between the two of them-my mother did...and I refused.
I simply refuse to get in the middle of it. I feel like my mother should stand behind me as long as my child and I are happy and being cared for. It is not her life, it is mine. He is the one that I chose to be with so it should be accepted. As far as my fiance, I would love them to get along...but I would never try to make him accept her or her rantings about him. Eventually I hope to have a decent relationship with her but if she chooses not to because of who I'm with then that's ok too, it's her decision.

Rebecca W

Well I know how I deal with ultimatums, I leave the situation!

So here is a suggestion which you might find useful, inform both your spouse and your mum that if they do not cease and desist right now, and learn to accept each other, or you can find a nice place to live on your own and have no contact with either of them.

Pathetic that 2 grown people cannot put love and family first, instead of their own desires and judgements. I don't envy you this situation. Hope you manage a solution before they drive you bonkers!

bexx

yeah this is hard. People are funny things sometimes. I suppose your mum wants the best for you. Why do they not get on? do they have reasons are any of them jealous that the other one is taking your attention from them ?
While i think your Husband is important you must listen and care about your Mum Too. Your Kids are a different matter they are top of the list always ! before anyone in my book. Talk to both sides and try to get to the bottom of the real reasons as to why they do not get on.. If your mum is normally a good judge of character and not funny with others maybe she has a point? I don't know.... i would just keep an open mind and do not shut anyone out if you can possibly help it.
DO NOT BE BULLIED INTO ANYTHING FROM ANYONE ! if they cared about you they should not put you in this position. Back off from it and get to the root of the problems. x
I would not be without my Mum

melanie_lanc

I would stand by my hubby. The bible said, husband and wife, when they get married, become separated from their parents and become one. If your hubby is not happy with your mum, there must be a reason.

Stand by him. Make him feel you two are together. Your mum is only a close family member, not somebody who can make decision for this family. You two are responsible for this family, not her.

This is the core principle. Your hubby is right. If you expect him to be the head of the family, how can you let somebody else to be in charge? how does he feel if the decisions he made were vetoed by someone else? how does he feel if his wife is not standing by him but instead making him feel he is the outsider (you did)? No matter how close you are to your mum, your hubby is your intimate lifelong partner in the marriage designed by God.

I don't think I'm a good example. I'm quite firm with my parents and I'm always the 'bad' guy in the family. My hubby plays the role of a good guy so my parents like him very much. There is no overnight row between me and my parents because I'm their daughter. But if my hubby is the bad guy, they will easily blame him because they don't have that bondings between them, and that will push them apart even further.

I'm probably not a good example but what I'm trying to say is, once you are married, you stand by your husband. You have the responsbility to keep your family united and loving. Any external (incl. your mum) forces should be kept away.

god bless.

Clare B

I always believe husband and kids come first always. I hate my mother-in-law interfering.She has even invited themselves down for next xmas and said the kids arnt allowed to open their pressies until they get here at 9.30 which is really 10am to them.I am so p****d off as my baby is at an age where she knows what its all about and is so excited. I will be putting my foot down over this as it would have been nice for them to ask instead of telling. I know how you feel AND how your hubby feels too.
What I am saying is you are not the only one to go through it. Though in my opinion you can strike a happy medium getting them both to sit down and discuss it rationally or else

good tree

You grew up and left your parents to become as one with your husband. He is your main priority now. Your mum should not interfere, you need to make firm boundaries with her and not allow her to come between you and your husband. I put up with my interfering mother in law for many years, and it was only her death that stopped it! I felt second best to her all that time. Don't do this to your husband.

Please read an excellent book on this subject, aptly named 'boundaries' written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, find it on Amazon.

ronnny

Let both of them know to just try and stay apart for you. Keep a good relationship with both of them. You need what/who you want and your family too.

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