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Sending my Husband to jail... Am I right or wrong?
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Sending my Husband to jail... Am I right or wrong?

My Husband has been abusing me for awhile. I reported this to the police when a neighbor called them during a fight. My husband was charged but wasn't taken to jail because he left right before the police got to the house. The counselor and prosecuter called me last week to find out if the abuse was still going on. It is, in fact it's gotten worse. I told them about 1 of the 10 incidents that have happened in the last month (he choked me until there were bruises around my throat). Before I told the prosecuter about the choking all my H had to do was go in for a book and release, now they are going to hold him on a 50,000 dollar bail when he goes in tomorrow. He doesn't know this yet. The problem is that he has been really nice all week, and I'm feeling guilty. What kind of wife does this secretly? I am leaving him, but I'm scared to leave while he's here. I'm planning on going to a shelter while he's being booked, then filing for divorce. Why do I feel so guilty?


    




Amber B
You are right to send him to jail. No, you a are damn right. I would send him to jail without batting an eyelash, and do my best to ensure he never gets out.

He is about to murder you, girl, and YOU feel guilty? You say, he has been "acting nice". Well acting is the right word, and frankly don't fall for the act. I am sure you, more than any of us answering you, would agree that it is not "nice" to have his hands round your neck choking you!!!

You say you are "scared to leave while he's here"! Why is he even with you? You should immediately get a restraining order that keeps him 5 miles from you! You are right to be scared BECAUSE he is there. So get him out of your house, and out of your life.

You are dependent on him, and that may be what you are afraid of! And both of you are probably in one of these maccaber dances getting some kind of pay-off for all this: him for hurting you, and you for allowing yourself to get hurt.

You need to get yourself to a counsellor and work on your personal issues. But ALONE. Forget him. Forever. You don't NOT want to wake up one morning because of a pillow on your face. Please don't delay.


hd_wideglide_2004
don't feel guilty send his hide to jail and maybe his cell mate big bubba will do the same to him


Crooks Gap
Rating
Well of course he's being nice now, and you're feeling guilty. That's all part of the normal profile in these things. You'll learn that if you actually go to a shelter and let them help you.

The guys do this beating or trying to kill you thing, then they feel badly about it and try to make up for it, even promising they'll never do it again is a normal thing. Or saying they'll get help, or at least TRY to stop. Unless they really do get help though, nothing will ever change.

Part of the problem is their need for control, and they lose it when they feel the control is slipping. Some of them move their wives to isolated areas where she has no support system, no friends, no family, etc. Some just try to turn their wives against their family. And some of these men are pretty good at it - the women don't always even realize that this is being done.

Don't fail yourself, you deserve better treatment than this and the way he acts isn't a manifestation of love. The best thing you can do is get away from him and the games he's playing. Surround yourself with other women who have been through the same thing, and really pay attention to what they're telling you. They know more about what you're going through than you can even imagine. You ARE NOT ALONE. You DO have options.

Real love has a large element of mutual respect in it, and no one really has respect for you if they think they have the right to beat you up. Don't fool yourself into thinking that his actions are just a temporary thing, or that you did something to deserve the punishment. NOBODY deserves that, but the men who do this crap often are able to convince the woman that it is really all her own fault, that she MADE him do it. That is just more crap.

Get out quickly, and know that jail is exactly where he belongs.


AddieJN
You may feel guilty because you love him? But you are doing the right thing. You have to take care of yourself or he could end up killing you. You both need to get help. Follow through with your plans to go to a shelter and get a divorce. Do not consider going back to him until he gets help and has proven by his actions that he will never hurt you again.


MandyHawk
You made the right move, just because he is being nice now doesn't mean he has changed. Abusers don't stop until the victims are out of reach. You should leave while he is in jail and file for divorce also. You are probably feeling guilty b/c you still care for him, but don't turn back from your plan! Get away now!


?
I believe you are doing the right thing and I congratulate you for taking this brave step. He is being nice to you, but you now know this is a pattern that can change for the worse at any time. You do not deserve his abuse and you are showing integrity by getting out of this marriage. He needs a reality check and counseling. This action from you will be a wake-up call for him that he hasn't received before. Good for you for taking this action to better your life.


David007
You are caught in the cycles of abuse and you are probably in the honeymoon phase. You know whats coming next that's right the abuse. Leave before he kills you on accident or not.


gIRL next door
Rating
before somebody can love you, U must learn how to love urself first ........ Busy urself, while He's in jail Get a Life .... Do d things that U dream of doing of, Prove to Him that U can be Somebody, ..... Dont waste Ur time to a LOSER like him , I understand that Ur in love with Him but again Think of urself try to get sometime alone so U can collect urself

........ GoodLuck U can Do it,
......... Take it From Me ..... I've been there


Sun Girl
why? do you feel that you deserve to be treated badly that perhaps you've been a bad little girl and daddy has to punish you!!!! Please I beg you one woman to another the abuse will get worse and worse are you waiting for him to kill you, maim you ? Usually when they get nice they are getting ready to really bust your *** up on the next episode!!!! don't wait girl run as hard and as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this fool ...God Bless and Keep you and help you realize you are one of God's children and he didnt make no mistakes and he didnt make no Junk created you to be a queen in his kingdom don't sell yourself short my sister ..Love, Live Have Joy !!!!!Always


Bob D
Rating
He's being nice because you have control not him . You have temporary power during the charging process ! Once that process is over thing WILL return to the way they were . Get the hell out of there . ASAP
He is trying to get you to drop the charges !!


tithi
Rating
forget him , maybe he behaive nicely with you last week because i think he is acting on you . don't feel guilty , just go on your life . good luck .


karma
what ur feeling guilty?i don't get some women hello he try to choke you don't need feel sorry for him and have some dignity for ur self. no u did the right thing.


KB
Rating
Don't feel guilty. If he was hurting you, he needs to be put away, and YOU need to be safe! You feel guilty because he is also emotionally abusive and trying to make you feel like the bad person here.Ou are doing the right thing. YOu are protecting yourself and anyone else he might hurt.

Don't feel guilty, you are doing the right thing. Just because you are his wife doens't mean you are supposed to dutifully put up with his abuse. HE is not being the husband he promised on your wedding day... he isn't supposed to hurt you.


MS L
Rating
Guilt is part of the cycle of abuse. Relocate, if possible while he is in jail and sty away from him. It took me many years to get out - I am thankful everyday that it did not take my life. Abuse is a vicious cycle for all that are involved - leave the guilt bags when you pack your clothing bags - if there is one ounce of guilt on your part, he will know it and he will use it!!!! ou have not done anything to be guilty for


javarick
Rating
How can you feel guilty?

He is abusing you. You need to get out!

It does not matter if he hits you or emotionally damages you, you need to do what is right for you.

I am sorry to say that the violence will probably get worse and worse. You do not want to be the one going to a hospital or even worse.

Get rid of him, move somewhere else, and start over.

Take Care


lil'sammy
Rating
u're feeling guilty becuz u're still in love with the good-side of your husband. the part of him who is kind and nice. but u've got to know that THAT is how abuse works. this is called battered woman syndrom. u're being abused but u dont dare to leave, and u're still attached to the good side of him. but honey, u need to know that a man who lays his hands on u is wrong. DEADLY wrong. and u should send him to jail, becuz if you dont, he'll get worse. men who abuse their wives the way your H had abuse u obviously have mental problems. im serious. he needs help. and by putting him away will help him. tell yourself you're doing this for his benefit. and this is the best solution. becuz battered women scenarios can get worse... either one day he beats u to death... or u fight back at him in self defence and accidentally kill him. and if u do kill him, u'll be put away for manlaughter if you appeal on the grounds of self defence. you dont wanna die or go to jail do u?

and keep telling yourself, he abuses you. its a mental sickness. YOU CANNOT CHANGE/HELP/SAVE HIM. Putting him away, where you'd be safe and where he could get psychiatric help IS THE BEST WAY. This really is for the best. TRUST ME.


monopoly_cc
forget ur husband and move on......u'll find someone better


MsWano
Rating
I think that you are very brave, and I wish you all the luck in the world. You feel guilty because a part of you still loves the part of him that was nice to you. You need to go through with this and get yourself into a safe situation and start a life free from fear that you deserve.


myshira
You already know why your being secretive about it. If you told him - he would beat you up, hurt you bad and then run off to avoid being caught, but always be around to make you miserable. You know this. If he's angry at anything, he comes looking for you to take it out on.

As to why your feeling guilty? Part of the process. Part of you still probably hopes this "good behavior" is going to last and you honestly wish that its true. Its also his "hook" to keep you. He knows if he plays nice then you'll stick around.

Keep with your plans to leave him. You deserve to feel safe all of the time, even if your loved one is angry!


rjsr40
Rating
It is called cycle of abuse. Right know you are in the loving phase, he already assaulted you. He knows he wrong cops came out he will be the loving husband. Once you stop the process of prosecution, he will start getting angrier and he will start assaulting you again. When does it stop, it doesn't. Know that he knows you want out and goes through this he is really going to want to hurt you even worse, maybe even take your life. I beg you to let the process keep going also get a restraining order on him get counseling for you and children if you have them. Mam it is time for you to heal. May God Bless you!!!


paris
Don't feel guilty. He's just playing you. No man should hit a woman. Let him rot in jail. He's the GUILTY one,,,, not YOU.


ibjuscoolin
Rating
You are doing the right thing.....I am a man, but I can imagine how tuff of a decision this must have been for you..

and if you love him.. well... [gee] .. but you have to look out for yourself he is only being nice because he knows you can press charges and have him sent to jail..

My advice would be send his azz to jail, leave him and dont look back.. [ and dont let him know where u are moving after he gets out he will try to rekindle the realtionship you have to be prepeared for thsi emotionally]

There are some really nice, caring respectful men [jumping up & down screaming me, me me ] who would never hit a woman and would love the opportunity of spoiling a lovely lady everyday of her life...


bluez
Rating
Because he's beat down your self-esteem so much that you think you love him. He has issues, and major ones at that.....you are right to have him thrown in jail, and to get far away while he's there.....do not ever contact him unless via an attorney and get a divorce. Good luck.


prettygirl new orleans
Rating
becuase nop matter wwhat he is your husband, and he knows that he has put in a bad sppot. I am glad to hear that you leaving though, YOU NEED TO, dont stop here go all the way thru it, have him arressted and thrown in there if you dont HE WILL KILL YOU, is this what you want???? File for your divorce right away, as long as he locked up, thats grounds for immdeiate divorce, it shouldnt take that long, AND NO your not wrong for having him put away this what need to be done, if more women were as strrong as you were nalot of abuse could be stopped and that is the truth, nop women should ever be choked, punched in the face, pushed around, noe of this acceptable at all, your doing the right thing dont stop here OK, keep moving forward your doing great so far, keep up the good workk, and I know you know the only reason he is being nice to you is becuase he has court 2 morrow right, thats the only reason he wants you on his good side, dont feel guilty unless you want to die soon, if thats the case dont go thru with the jail thing, you will be writing your own death certificate, keep moving forward, you dont want him to treat another women like this do you, NO keep moving forward and let the police that you are scared and wiill need help after 2 morrow, maybe they can in some way let me know what happens ok


Almighty Malachi
You are feeling guilty because that is how he wants you to feel. Abusive men are like this they get really abusive then they get really nice. They like to play mind games and unfortunately you are stuck in the circle of life of them. You should not feel guilty because he does not love you. He likes to control you and when you step out of line or do something he does not like, he beats you. You should just go through this and be strong about it because you might end up dead if you don't.


kill_yr_television
Rating
It isn't unusual for an abused spouse to feel guilty. That is how abusers work, by convincing you (and themselves) that it's all YOUR fault, that if YOU wouldn't MAKE him ... etc.

The fact is that you don't have that kind of power over him to MAKE him act a certain way. HE chooses to act that way and it is HIS responsibillity, not yours.

Nearly all abusive relationships follow a pattern. Part of this pattern is "the honeymoon period" following each outburst. For a while, the abuser is really really nice. But this is followed in turn by another episode of abuse, usually worse than the last.

When you go to the shelter, talk to the councelors about your feelings. They can give you a lot of support and help you understand how abuse works and your own feelings.

Be strong. If you can move to another city or state while he is in prison, do it. And, as you move on with your life, do not accept "I lost my temper" as an excuse from anyone in any situation. People can control themselves if they try.


hunter
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is so easy to decide.

YES YOU ARE RIGHT.

Get the fuc- out of there.

Get support from friends and family.

I'll play psychologist; ask you your own question?

Why do you feel guilty?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


whatwouldudo
Rating
you feel guilty because you still love him, but you know in order for you to continue to live is to tell the police. You still love him and somewhere he still loves you. You are doing the right thing, it seems to me that he will never stop abusing you. Every time he does it you take him back and he still does it again and again. You needed to do this for you safety and security, if this was the only way you can get out, I agree with what your doing. Get out and stay out. Love him from afar if you have to. Good Luck to you in all you do!


letmesurpriseu
Rating
You are soo strong. You have been through alot. Don't stop now. You are right to want to live in peace. And being choked is not peace. You are not a bad person to put him in jail. He will hurt u further and maybe even kill u if you stay. Don't feel guilty. There is no guilt in protecting yourself. You would applaud a woman who took self defense classes to protect herself or who moved out of a bad neighborhood to keep herself safe. So applaud yourself for finding the courage and strength to go what u have done.

When u go tot the shelter, work on you. On relieving yourself of your guilt. You deserve better than he has given u and don' ever doubt it. May be you will be an inspriration for some other woman going through the same thing. Good Luck and my prayers are with u.


berry
Rating
It's normal to feel guilty but you have to do it. He will never change.


scarlet
Rating
You feel guilty because he's back in the "honeymoon" phase. He's sorry, he'll never do it again, it's partly or all your fault, blah, blah, blah! I've heard it all before. "What kind of wife does this?" What kind of husband does what he did to you? You are 1 of the lucky ones. Many never get the chance to leave, or try to leave but are too afraid or have nowhere & no one to run to. Stick with your plan to leave, get divorced & NEVER look back. Leaving is hard & moving into a shelter with strangers is scary. But it's nothing compared to the fear of never knowing where the next punch is coming from. Good luck and GOD bless you.





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