Should I Leave My Husband?

rkrell

I know that you find yourself in a very tough situation at the moment. This man you love has a serious problem and I know that you would help him if you could but until he wants to get help there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and your kids from the fallout of the situation. He is no longer in a position to provide your family the life and the love he should. Your only chance to make a good life for you and your kids is to leave him and this situation behind even though it will be hard. Hopefully some day he will see what he has lost because of his problem and seek the help he so desperately needs.

from me to you

Look I am a child of a home just like that-please leave him or your children will resent the both of you for the rest of their lives or possibly even see it as an acceptable life.

Nana

I think you have answered your own question. I think you know what to do! Best of luck and God Bless you!

Momof4:nomore!

Yes you should. I know it's hard, and scary, and terrifying, and you don't know how to feel actually do you? You've got to do it though, for the better of your kids. Get your own checking account, call legal aide if you can't afford a lawyer, contact your local DHS office to find out what kind of assistance you will be eligable for and pray! Good luck!

kissie623

talk to him and tell him to straighten up or you are leaving

scott_v1963

You need to leave. Perhaps that will snap him back but if you don't deleiver on your threat the behavior will certainly continue.

Call YWCA for help.

wilibeme

I have been there I wasted 6 year's thinking I could change him.You can't he has to do that.And until he is ready,he will make your self esteem go in to the gutter.Take the kid's and get out.You will feel hurt then you'll get mad and then don't return to him if he promises to stop drinking.Not until he shows he can really quit.

sunpekes

If he is abuseive and there is a genuine danger, stop by the police station and get some advice.

Rosesharon

No, you should kick his butt out. He needs a wake-up call.

JAMMco

He needs help and you need to get the children to a safe place. This may mean going to a friends house, a parents house and giving him a wakeup call. You may have to open a different checking account and use it for the necessities, you may have to transfer money to it on a monthly basis.

When he is sober, explain to him why you did what you did and what changes need to be made to fix what's wrong. If life goes on "normally" while he is drinking, there will be no reason for him to stop drinking. He has to realize that there are consequences for his action.

It will not be easy, but your relationship and family life is worth it. This is not a suggestion of divorce, just a separation of residences until he can take the necessary steps to get help.

MoMattTexas

I have been attempting to find a decent website that may get you on the right track to help you decide what to do in your situation.

Try this one:

http://alcoholism.about.com/

See if there are support groups in your area for yourself.

Continue to do what you are doing, protecting your children and remember to protect yourself.

Good Luck

slappingfox

You may have to leave him for your own sake and the children. Get help from AA and people in this situation and they can help you make the best choice,especially those who have been in this kind of marriage situation and got through it ok. Best wishes to you!

Dave B

well dear 15 years are no joke to be w/ someone so i guess be patient a bit more but be more assertives in your needs & the kids, so if in case when the time comes to leave him he cant say that you didnt try to make things work, go to marriage counsellors, & have him checked by a doctor so he would know he's present health, there could be underlying condition that could make him change his lifestyle

mlco

perhaps you should start thinking about what his behaviour is doing to your kids. he may be a good person, but that has not been displayed in your own home,towards you and towards your kids. you cant help those who will not accept help.

my mom was in the same situation. my father was an alcoholic and very abusive especially towards my mom and my older sister. my mom finally left him and that was the best thing she could have done for herself and me and my siblings. my older siblings resent my father for what he's done. to this day, i always feel that my mom is a wonderful and a very strong woman for having the courage to leave an abusive person and raise 4 kids by herself. that was about 28 years ago, im 33 now.

often times, children are better off from a broken home than to live in one. i hope you find the courage just like my mom did. she did what was best for her children.
good luck to you and god bless.

The answer to your question is yes, I'm afraid. THough you don't want to separate your family, you'd be surprised to find that your kids might be relieved.

If you have the financial resources and are employed, you need to take steps to get away from this situation. Talk to your friends, family, and a counselor; you need all the support you can get right now. And E-Mail me if you feel you have no where to turn to. I've been in the exact situation you're in, and would have resigned myself to a life of misery had I not gotten out of it.

Protect the physical and emotional well-being of your kids. An environment like this will set them up for hardships later in life.

Mello

i don't know that's up to you talk to some one if i were you i would have left him 5 years ago or when ever he started drinking

fallenangel

For the sake of your kids, leave. Set up your own account that your checks can be paid into. Let him know you stilllove him and if he gives up the booze you'll see about comin gback and making it work but that you cant be with him while he's drinking like this. Alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they seek help, you're leaving might just help him to get to this point. Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

Centurion

I would give him and ultimatum. Therapy and quit the booze or you leave. Stand firm and if he doesn't want to put the bottle down, get out. He is mentally abusing you and your children.

naughty_cheenu

YES, ABSOLUTELY GURL.....GET AWYAY FROM HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

loulu

First and foremost, think of how this is affecting your children. In this situation, I think it would probably be best to leave with the children, and do the best you can. Offer moral support to your husband and assist in getting professional help, but only if he admits to having a problem and asks for help. Staying in this destructive relationship is doing permanent damage. File for child support during the seperation and get your children the things they need. If he chooses to spend his money on booze and live under a bridge, there is nothing you can do. Your priority is your children...it will take a lot of strength, but your love for your children will get you through. Good luck to you and your family.

Torres

All of the flags are there for you... If your husband does not want to help himself, then there is nothing you can do for him. He has to want to change his life, first and foremost for himself, then for his kids...

I would suggest separating from your husband. The kids are in a dangerous enviornment and they have to be FIRST PRIORITY for you... Get them out of there ASAP.. Secondly, speak with your husband let him know you love him, but that the situation has to change... Tell him you are willing to be by his side and help him.

If he does not want to make the sacrifice and do whatever he can to save himself and his marriage, then divorce him. Don't waist your time on someone who doesn't care for himself and his family... (At that point you'll have to leave it in Gods hands)

I know it is hard to do, but you have to do what's best for your children as well as for yourself...

GOOD LUCK! AND GOD BLESS!

satin3904

In situations like yours it's always best to follow through with your intentions.If you are going to leave; do it. I understand all the issues surrounding abuse and alcoholism,ecspecially the guilt for tearing the family apart but remember:it was his choice to tear the family apart and not yours and you are protecting your children by leaving and that's your responsibility because he can't be responsible. This is a very difficult situation and you will always question your decisions but always remind yourself that leaving is the best choice for everyone because he will never turn his life around without having his eyes opened to what he is losing.

eddysmomma

Wow. That is a deep one. Of course you are the only one that can make up your mind to leave him or not, but do you REALLY want to continuously expose your kids to his behavior? I guess the question to ask would it be better for yourself and your kids to stay or to go? 15 years is a long time to be together but consider the 40 or so more that you would have to put up with all that.

safarlsun33

what men have lost these days is accountability to OTHER MEN!!!!!!!!!!! they run their own little world! a tight ship! a wife home and kids and they do it in the wrong way that is.. PRIVATELY!!!! if more men had other GOOD MEN to be accountable to and have to answer to etc... almost like male protectors of YOU!! think about it, this wouldnt happen as much! How would he feel if everytime he did wrong a man either beat the crap out of him, (like your brother/father etc) im not condoning violence... or simply called him on it!!! all men need this!!! dont ever let the wrong things people do to other people be PRIVATE!!! TELL his family, TELL the Church, tell the community, friends, his job etc etc..... it works!!!!! he may be mad at first! too bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats life! and he isnt living a realistic one! men are not these little islands of families! thats why so mnay men get away with so much! its all private! this should never be!

my2angels64

Sweetie, as a survivor of 12 years of an abusive marriage, don't waste precious time with this man. It's really hard when you have to deal with an abusive partner, but an raging alcoholic as well. My husband was a good person too until he would rage over little things, he wasn't into drinking though. Abusive people don't change unless they want to. Don't spend another 15 years unhappy with someone who doesn't want to change. Only you can make the change for yourself and your children. I know, I'm now divorcing my husband because of abuse and it took me 12 long years to realize that I deserve better. You can try to encourage him to attend a AA meeting but in my case, with a recovering alcoholic mother, if they won't go, you can't make them. Mom goes but she falls off too much to make it consistent and I tried for years to get her to get help but she won't follow through with it. Get a seperate checking account, if you're able to get a part-time job somewhere to save some money or borrow some money, do whatever you can do to get out of this dangerous life you're in. I had perfect credit at one time and I can relate to credit issues but you can get your credit straighten out, it'll take time but it can be done. Men who control never change and it took me leaving mine 3 times to realize that. Sadly, our children are in the middle of this divorce and I didn't want to walk away from my marriage that I thought I worked so hard for. But when the bad times overlooks the good times, that's when you realize it's time to leave and don't look back. Contact your local domestic violence shelter and talk with an advocate to help you get started on the path to a happier life for you and your children. Abusive men love controlling their partners and it's up to us to break that cycle. You have to keep your sanity, not the insanity.

skirickfiftyone

It is time to leave,things will only get worse.You are not alone in this.

Marine Girlfriend <3

Tell him straight up that if he doesnt get his act together you and the kids are leaving. be woman enough to either deal with what hes doing forever and ruin ur family or leave.

twentythree

yeah, you need to go and get yourself some counseling to deal with this, try and find out why you put up with this for so long

crimsondryad

That's an oxymoron...he's a good person but he's controlling and abusive. Those aren't qualities of a "good person."

You cannot change him, he must change himself. In the meantime, you have a responsibility to get your children out of there. Do you know that growing up in a household increases the likelihood that your children will also be alcoholics? Do you want them to grow up believing that your husband's controlling, aggressive ways are how adults treat each other in committed relationships?

When you married, it's true you married for better or worse. But it's a contract requiring that both sides fulfill their portion in good faith. He has a responsibility to you to treat you with respect as the woman who raised and bore his children. As the woman who has loved and supported him for many years.

First, I would strongly recommend you go get a separate checking account. TODAY.

If you don't think he will physically abuse you, try to sit down with him and tell him that you are going to start putting your paycheck into a separate checking account and that he needs to come up with his share of the bills each month. Any cash in your account after you finish paying bills is yours to do with as you wish...buy the kids clothes, or whatever. Though I'd strong recommend you start saving a substantial portion.

If you think he will get abusive, you can do it without him noticing, begin having portions of your paycheck deposited in the other account (does he actually look at the amount of the paycheck? Or just at the transfers out?) Arrange for the statements to be delivered online or to a friend or relative's house.

When you go to the grocery, start getting cash back, usually you can get up to $20. Put that in YOUR checking account. The idea here is to have some money to live on.

The best option would to ask him to leave entirely and/or file a restraining order. But I realize this is a difficult decision to make. No matter what, you need to start making plans for your future and your kids future today. A future that of necessity will be without him.

Shantezzie

You have to do what's best for you and your kids girl. I'm 20, been married for about 2 years with an eleven month old daughter. My husband had the same problem (navy boy) and I had to go. We're on the verge of getting back together because i showed him I wasn't standing for it anymore. REMEMBER: "A woman who stands for nothing falls for anything." and you my dear are standing for nothing. You can love him and leave him, i's gonna be hard but he will see what he's missing. ALSO it's all about how you start off with a man, if you let him do something for so long and then try to change him, it's gonna be hard because he's set in his ways. email me and we can talk some more hot_gurl102@yahoo.com

singswithslippers

I know where you are coming from. My sister had nearly the exact same experience that your talking about. Your living with a shell. The man has been syphined out by the alchohol. You are raising your children and living your life alone, and your spirit will slowly die if you don't get some help. Try counselling at first. If he refuses and continues on this destructive and abusive path (yes yelling is abuse) then you MUST save yourself and your children from loosing valueable time and happiness.

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