Should I Sacrifice My Happines For My Kids?

love_inc2000

A touchy situation.

Your feelings reflect on your children.

If your not happy they will see that and it will hurt.

Again, you have a tough decision on your hands.

Mel

Sounds to me like you already have someone else in mind, or you wouldn't have asked "How soon should I start dating?" Am I right?

Leah

Have you even tried to work out your problems? There isn't a marriage on earth that doesn't go through periods of arguing.

I suggest you get yourself some marriage counseling.

michims

Do you really think you're doing justice for your kids by staying in a loveless marriage where you fight constantly? Would you want your kids to be in a relationship like that? If not, lead by example. If you want to do something for your kids, either seek counseling and get your marriage right or divorce and show your children that love means respect for one another. Sacrifice...think of the sacrifice your kids will make as adults by being in a home where you fight about everything and they think that's how it should be.

Mary Liz

studies show that while kids raised in a peaceful home with two parents do the best, kids raised in a peaceful one parent home do much better than kids raised in a home where parents are always fighting. you can still be there for your kids even if you leave, but you have to make sure that you do not continue to fight with your spouse/significant other. that has to stop. and no using the kids against each other.

as for how soon to start dating, you need time to heal, and find yourself, and your kids need time to see you as a single entity, and not a part of the couple. not to horribly long, maybe 2 years or so.

Green is my Favorite Color

Your life is not all about you. Weird idea, ain't it?

regards and respects

box of rain

Your children should always come first. What part of that don't you feel deep down in your soul?

Why don't you try getting to the root of the problems in your marriage and working on those problems?

If you do decide to leave her, it is not like you will stop being the father to the kids. Just do not move away and remain an active part of their lives.

If you do leave, do not start dating until after you have healed yourself and got to the root of your own character defects and you make every effort to minimize those defects.

justagirl

It is an oxymoron to say you can sacrifice your happiness for your kids. Kids deserve to have parents who are happy, not parents who go through the motions of a false marriage that is empty at best and nasty at worst. If you are at each other's throats all the time, then your kids are not happy, despite how they may seem on the surface. And if you leave, your kids will still have a father. He may not be in their house every day, but he will be happy when they see him. Don't even think about dating yet. Give yourself time to heal.

I think you have already made up your decision by the last question, "If i leave, How soon should I start dating?"

You have to be happy. One thing I have learned in many years of personal experience and having parents who got divorced after a very tense situation while they were married is that you have to be happy. If you are happy, your children will be more happy. Sometimes realtionships end, people grow apart and that is okay, but I think the biggest mistake you could make is to stay together for the children. If you are fighting all the time and arent very loving towards each other anymore, the children will pick up on that.

If you are happy, your children will be happy. Just make sure to that you have visitation rights. Dont disappear from your childrens lives, that would not be right for anyone, still be a loving father, just do it seperate from a marriage. Whether you are married or divorced you are still a parent. Do what is the best for your family. If you are happier seperated from your significant other, that is what you must do. Children can sense tension between you and your S.O. (significant other) and will therefore make them stressed/ angry/ left feeling guilty. You must be happy in life. Dont disappear from your childrens lives, make a decision that will help them, even if they dotn realize it at the moment. When parents are happy, children are more happy.

As far as dating, whenever seems right. I think it would be different for everyone.

chelsea v

your mind is already made up, don't draw it out any longer, get it over with

gypsy g

I'd of rather grown up in a peaceful household opposed to the household of turmoil and unhappiness that it was. I can certainly tell you that I never learned how to have a normal happy relationship. Though I strive to have such, I often find myself with the wrong type of person or I myself have acted like an @ss. Quite frankly I don't know how to communicate with anyone any more. Having to learn for my daughters sake.

Just Smile

IT WILL NEVER WORK. That's the hardest part of leaving. But just because you're not in the household doesn't mean your kids will grow up without a father.......

â™¥ Shell â™¥

I'm sure you've already gotten this answer, but as someone who's been there and done that... it is far better to show your kids what it means to live in a happy environment than to subject them to misery - even if you are really GREAT about hiding it from them, they will still pick up on the tension.

Keep in mind, that just because you leave your spouse, that doesn't mean you leave your kids. When my ex and I divorced, we worked out a 50/50 split - not exactly ideal, but the kids have us both and both of us are so much happier apart than we ever were together. Because of that, we are 1000x better at providing for our kids.

As far as dating, only you will know when you are ready. Maybe it will be right away, may it won't but I would suggest that you don't even introduce the next special someone until they've earned the right to meet your kids. For me, My (now) husband and I dated for almost a year before he met my kiddos... I didn't want them to get attached to someone without knowing that they were sticking around.

Why not me

That's a decision you have to make for yourself. As Dr Phil says: "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one." Don't you think you'd be a better father if you were happy? If you aren't happy, then what kind of example is that for your kids? You get what you settle for. That is what you are teaching your kids. If you want kids who will learn to settle in life, then stay. As for dating, you don't leave one situation to go to another one. You will have plenty of time for that, right now your priority is your kids.

God Bless America

Sometimes it is best to get out of a situation like yours. It will actually hurt them more and make them grow up thinking that arguments, yelling and not being able to get along with each other, is acceptable. They don't have to grow up without you because I'm hoping that you will get joint custody and other visitation rights. If you do leave I wouldn't start dating right off the bat, because that will look like you were having an affair during the marriage. Maybe some dinners with a friend or co-worker but nothing more for awhile. Also explain to the children that when you do start dating, that your new friend will also be their friend. Don't let your children grow up in such a situation that you have described. Sounds like you deserve someone better. Good luck to you.

wondermom

First of all, children are smart and sensitive. If you are stressed, fighting and miserable so are they. You are not doing your children any favors by staying in a bad relationship. Just because you and your husband get divorced does not change the fact that he is their father. In fact, some men are better father's after divorce because they are less stressed and angry.
Dating is a whole different issue. You need to take time to recover from the divorce, help your children adjust to the big change and also to review your relationship and see what mistakes were made, what the warning signs were and what you will do differently next time.
Also you don't want to bring people into the children's lives that may not be good people or that may not be around for long.
I say give yourself at least a year.

Scout729

My parents tried that and I have a whole childhood of hearing fights. If it isn't working out then leave. Do you kids a favor - let them see their mother happy. Why would they grow up without a father? He won't see them if you move out with the kids? With the dating question - I think you will know when the right time is. I don't think there is a certain time frame to wait

*~*love always*~*

It is much better for the children to grow up in single family homes or blended family homes rather then with biological parents that are unhappy. My parents were like that for 8 years and it was just as hard if not harder on me then it was them. I still have relationship issues because of it.

murray s

YES AND NO
YES your kids should come first.
NO you still need a life
BALANCE try to merge the two. If that cannot be happen, I side with the kids. They did not ask to come here.

Elisha H

I honestly don't think you can teach children happiness and love if you aren't happy and they don't see love between you and your spouse.

Manny V

Dude, if you are happy, your kids will be happy, if you are unhappy, your kids are going to be unhappy too. I am married and am in the same situation. I don't get along with my wife, and am only there for the kids. I love her, but not like I used to. Everything she does, pisses me off. But I stay for the kids, and find other outlets. I go out with my friends, and have people who I can talk to. That helps. Good luck.

h!des!re

you may want to try to get some counseling or something, and if you really cant take it just leave, theres no use because your kids will know they are growing up in a loveless family if you stay, as long as you stay in their lives they will understand sooner or later, but not right away, you should definitely wait a cpl of months before you start dating so your kids can adapt and you ex can also have a chance to move on. good luck.

yaya9504

No. If you are miserable in a relationship no matter how you try to hide it from the children it will show. Not only will you suffer they will too in the long run. Then if you stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in eventually it may lead to you finding happiness outside of your household. The best thing to do is be honest to yourself and your family. You can be a part of your children's lives and not physically live with them.

Look Away, I'm Hideous

Kids will know if you are not happy. You do not want them to think it is normal not to love your spouse, do you? Just stay involved as much as you can in their lives. It can be done, all parties involved will eventually be happier, I think.
Start dating whenever you want, just wait till the divorce is final, in case you have to go to court.

Saphira

If you leave you should not date for at least a year and you should find out why this marriage failed--and don't lay everything at the feet of your spouse.

Or you could choose to stop arguing and start actually listening to your spouse and trying to work things out. Arguing people are rarely listening people and relationships don't work well when no one cares enough to listen. Maybe Marriage counseling would be a better choice.

Keep in mind that any relationship takes work so if you run away from this one expecting to meet someone tomorrow who will always give to you and never need anything from you then you're in for a lifetime of dissappointment.

Rainbow

In a word yes!

Both my husband and I grew up in divorced home and both have the feelings that we were leftovers from another relationship.

It's not worth it and destroys the childrens thoughts on marriage and trust!

I would get counseling to find out the route cause and then try and mend the fence who knows it might even bring you and your spouse closer together!

southerngal109

My suggestion would to first try counseling to see if there are things that you are not doing to make situations better. If counseling doesn't work then why would you stay in a situation that you are not happy with. You can still be a father to your children without being with you significant other. Life is too short to be unhappy. You should be with someone because you love them and not for children. That is my opinion. If I was in her position, I would rather someone to be with me cause of love because if it is not for that then I can find someone else who I could be happy with and who would love my children as well. That is my opinion. I hope everything works out for you. Listen to your heart.

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