Should I have said "yes"?

anyone who reads all the dynamics that i have included below is truly a SAINT! i have just been really really confused lately and i wanted to have enough details to get an honest answer.

i've had reoccurring doubts about the fellow i'm betrothed to as of march. he has issues that i guess i thought could more easily be overcome: extreme agitation, rage, social anxiety, high stress, and low self-esteem/ occasional depression. i've encouraged him to seek doctoral help, but he keeps putting it off. he doesn't think it's really a problem. yet when he is in his worst state, he shouts about hating everyone and himself. willing to harm others and even himself! suicidal. once he swerved his car insanely at a pedestrian that upset him then shouted swears.

with such high stress levels, high blood pressure, and already being 4 years older than me, i figure I'll be a widow for at least 20 years of my life. but that wouldn't even matter to me if I felt like the marriage preceding widowdom would be glorious and exalting. but his attitude rarely permits moments of pure happiness. it feels like he is incapable of feeling simple carefree pleasures. there are times when he is able to escape from his socially controlled mind, when agitators are not present, where he is a tender soul filled with love in his heart and I do feel genuine love for him.

when I'm with him I feel his feelings, his stress, his anxiety, the anger, frustration...the whole lot of it. his consistent downs bring me way down. i'm typically stressless, optimistic, happy and excitable. yet my attitudes don't seem to have the same power. i try so hard to uplift. but i'm starting to feel like it is a battle i can never win. i don't think i have much influence over him.

ALSO I'm 21 years old and have never seriously dated anyone besides my fiancee. he hasn't either really. because of his anxieties it was very difficult for him to date and he has even admitted to me that i was "convenient" and that if he wasn't so bound by his social anxiety he probably would have "shopped around more" for the "best deal," and regret not doing so! he renounced these comments later, but still, i think he meant them.

my family and my friends love my fiancee a lot a lot. he manages to bottle up his bad feelings and let them out only on me and strangers. i'm afraid the love from my family and peers is partly responsible to my "yes" tho.

i'm artsy, open and slightly eccentric, and my fiancee is much more conforming and constricted, he gets embarrassed very easily...he has at times yelled at me in public for embarrassing him, b/c i'm clumsy and candid...i don't put on a facade, especially in a grocery store! but i'm convinced this is all due to anxiety that if treated properly may just solve everything, yes? I said yes with such hope in mind. but should I have?

Sophiesmom

No you should have said get this stuff straightened out and then ask me again. If he doesn't fix him this will get worse, he has no problem disrespecting you in public, what will he do later down the road to you in private. I wouldn't make wedding plans yet, this is a battle you will not win and he needs to work on himself before he can take care of someone else. Don't cover what he does in front of your family, let them see his true colors. Im a minister, i marry people and if you had told me this stuff i would not agree to marry you two, i would suggest some counseling.

LYNN IN FL

I'll be blunt.
You are crazy.
This is the way you want to live?
You want his issues to be yours?
Sorry, if you said yes to any of those, you are crazy.
Leave him.
Now.

wheelsofmadness

if you marry this man you will regret it. after you say "I DO" within a month he will get worse. And since you already see how he behaves it will just intensify after the wedding.

x2000

"but his attitude rarely permits moments of pure happiness"

I think you have your answer. You can't be happy with this guy. Plus, you make this guy sound like a psychotic controlling mean guy.

StRaNGe as H***

Sweetie i read the whole thing, and im sorry to report...no do not marry this boy. not only does not not deserve you but hes not even making any effort to keep you.
those mood swings of his that you have to make excuses for are not normal..nor is his behavior towards you or other ppl. I can PROMISE you that while your rarely at all happy with him now, that those feeling will do nothing but move deeper and get worse as time passes by. if you think its bad now just wait untill he's perm- got you.
you stay because somewhere inside you, your heart believes you can change him. but you cant, nobody will ever be able to even so much as point someone in the right direction if they don't want or even so much as believe they have a problem that needs changing.
you already know in your heart so much, and the reasons why just contuniue stacking up around mind. but you wont let yourself do it because your not sure if its the right thing to do( you see it as having so many things to consider, but the issue is easier than you make it out to be). (like maybe you should hang in there because at rare points in time you DO see that guy you feel in love with. but sweetie those times are spread SOOOO far apart that it becomes silly to even consider them in you decision to stay or to leave.) You have got to be the LUCKIEST women alive because you don't just have minor questionable reasons for leaving w/c tend to make women doubt their decisions because of uncertantity you've got a whole Damn list, you even have your PHYSICAL symptoms to go off of.

you know who he is in front of other people is just a front, because you see his face.

you also know that hes manic depressive,

impulsive,

verbally abusive(w/c is bad in itself and is usually a stepping stone)(btw when a guy truly loves you he will refrain to his own detirment from saying or doing something to hurt you)

negative,

complete opposite of you(ie. angry, low energy, highly unhappy, inconsiderate)

unwilling to even so much as acknowledge that he has a problem,

your not his first choice( telling you off top that he's only settling) and if you read between the lines, all he's saying is that if someone better came along that could actually want to be with him ,he would drop you like a super bad habit.he also realizes how screwed up he is and the chances of his finding someone else right now in this day, at this age are so slim there pract- non existant. your the only women that would put up with him right now as he is so he's gotta stay with you because he doesn't wanna be alone. hes afraid to be by hisself,so he keeps you around..
and that's not paying much tribute to you now is it=( ,
trust me you can find batter. a girl like you deserves the world, don't settle for a jar of dirt.

know and realize who you are, and what you have...

you cant allow yourself to be around ANYONE with such high levels of negativity surrounding them. i know exactly how this feels, different situation but the negativity was deff- there. i reacted in the same way as you, by hoping that my eccentricness would rub off because my logic was if his negitivity could rub off on me than my positivity JUST HAS to do the same right?? sounds logical...but it never does. and in the end the only thing your stuck with is feeling heavy, because they've burdened you. you got to put as much distance from yourself and him as possiable. being with a guy like that stifles your growth, always remember that. you wanna be with someone who supports you and allows you to grow into a beautiful butterfly, not a roach. you have to be able to reach your full potential as an individual.
i also understand how hard it gets to let go of him when everyone else in the world( who doesn't know intimately btw) loves the cwap out of him. my cousin went through the same kinda situation, absolutly nothing about them worked, but still with that fact it took her 5 very long years to get up the courage to walk away and stay away, all because of the relationship he kept with our family. but their not dating him, you are. And at the end of the day they ALL GO HOME..and then what? your stuck the jackal/ and mister hyde complex.you get to watch all that lovely sweetiess wash away b4 your very eyes.
don't EVER let everyone else influence your decision, they're never the ones who have to live with it.

Try to remember that all relationships have their expiration dates. some last all the way till death but the date is none the less still there..when the relationship stops being fruitful, fun, spontaneous, wonderful, attentive, positive, and when its stopped growing and your left with having to bring yourself DOWN to ANY level thats not your own, its reached its exp date. and yours has DEFFINANTLY done that . You are so far away from being happy where you are.
when it starts feeling more like a chore or obligation its time to let it go. you are obviously not thriving in this relationship, and its time to either permanently shut it down or give it a SEEEEEE-RIOUS break

P.s I'd shut it down if i were you...

I'm 21 also btw, and if you ever need to talk just email me

Complicated

That's the same age I was. One thing I can promise you; if you wait to get married until you are 28 or older, this is not the man you will marry.

So, if you had time, you would choose someone else. What do you think that means? Follow your destiny, don't shortchange your future. No marriage until later. You love him so much? Then, date the heck out of him, heck, live with him, but no rings, or legal arrangements.

Good Luck!

Jenna

Tell him that you understood his feelings, his concerns, his frustration and decided that he should "shop around more.. for the best deal".

Aimee H

Nothing is unconditional. Not even love.

I think you should have said no i cant even fathom why you said yes dear! its really not how you should want to live! i wouldnt want to wish that life on anyone and those things he said? about shopping for the best deal? that wasnt right either. Run while you still can!

Aisha

i think you were right

ubu

It's your call..............I would have said no......Not if he yelled at you in public. He will continue his behavior and then have you trapped in a bad relationship..........You said it earlier , "i'm starting to feel like it is a battle i can never win"..........There may be a lot of truth to that feeling....Did he really tell you he should have shopped around ??? I think "clumsy and candid " are adorable...........You can do a lot better !!!!!!!!!!! P.S. let me know what you decide.

Kelly

the story's too long to read sorri

midnight2197

No! You can't marry him. It sounds like you are one of those "try to see the good in everyone" type person. This is not a bad thing unless it trips you up on who you're supposed to marry. I think it's possible that everyone has at least a tiny speck of good in them. You found something to love about him and at the same time you feel sorry for him because he has so many problems that he'll never be happy, so you care about him and want to help him.

This is an acceptable attitude to have towards friends and family members. Know why? Cause you can always easily cut them out of your life. This is not the attitude to have about the person you will marry. That requires you to be as picky as you've ever been in your life. If you marry him, you will have to pay a lot of money to get him out of your life. If you have children with him he will always be in your life ( and he will treat them horribly, which will make your heart break).

So he has issues. The new attitude to take is "Poor him. He's an adult, if he hasn't figured out how to get help for himself by now, that's too bad for him, I'm getting out." And get out. Don't let his sweet, endearing side (small as it is) keep you. Everyone has one of those and if they don't they can fake it pretty well.

If you need support from your family (and it would drive me up the wall for them to think he was nice all the time when he wasn't) get one of those little recording pens or something and tape him for proof.

The bottom line is you need to get out. He can and will make you miserable and that is not the point of a marriage.

Kirsty B

this is a form of mental abuse. he is not willing to change and doesn't want to. does he always have something or someone else to blame for his actions and feelings? i bet he is controlling as well. you are not responsible for making him happy he needs to do it for himself before he gets married. if you are having doubts don't rush into marriage. i think you already know what you should do but its hard when everyone else thinks he is lovely. they don't have to live with him. listen to that little voice in your head that is telling you not to. guilt is not a good enough reason to stay.

Need Answers

Marriage is ideally done once. On that same note there are issues that could be a problem if not addressed. It's great that your family loves him, but it's you that is going to spend the rest of your life with him. Don't say yes to avoid the issues. Do of because this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Douglas B

No amount of love in the world can cure someone who has those problems. What always happens is exactly what you have found, that it drains the other person and ends up brining them down to his level, it will take away all your self respect, your self esteem and you will be as desperate as him. Your head is telling you it is wrong, that is why you are writing, it's your heart that is giving you trouble, those feelings of not wanting to be alone or of hurting him. Trust me, either one of those conditions is better than throwing your life away on someone who can't find any peace in his own world. Get out.

Shannon

TLDR all of it, but leave him.
Pure Misery awaits you.

Barb Outhere

Ok prepare me for sainthood, because I read every word.
Should you have said yes? Sorry no. At least do not marry him until he has his "condition" under control. I don't think its medical as you say he can and does "choose" to whom he demonstrates his bad side.
The fact that you are subjected to his "... extreme agitation, rage, social anxiety, high stress, and low self-esteem/ occasional depression..." but he can and does control it around family and friends so that they don't see it, means he thinks that YOU don't deserve the same amount of respect as those others. That doesn't bode well for a marriage.
Add to that the fact that he admits to "settling" for you so he doesn't have to work on a relationship? "...he has even admitted to me that i was "convenient" and that if he wasn't so bound by his social anxiety he probably would have "shopped around more" for the "best deal," and regret not doing so!..." Double trouble.
And attacking strangers and swerving his car at random pedestrians? That's not "normal" behavior. Its borderline psychotic.
The fact that he doesn't want to see a doctor to see if there's a medical component here, means he doesn't see it as a problem that needs work and fixing. And that won't automatically change if you do get married.
Make sure this is being fixed BEFORE you marry, not after.
If he won't get help at all, don't get married at all.

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