Should I "come clean" with my husband?

Oden has a glass jaw!

um you need to fess up and face the consequences' of your actions. if he leaves you because of it you need to realize it's YOUR FAULT, AND NOBODY ELSES, IF MY WIFE DID THAT I WOULD BE IN A COMPLETE AND UTTER RAGE, THE FURRY THAT I WOULD HAVE WOULD BE UNPARRALELED YOU NEED TO PREPARE FOR THAT, I WOULD FREAKIN KILL YOU. NO JOKE, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS IRRESPONCIBLE AND CHILDISH, YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MATERIAL ITEMS, BUT YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE ALLREADY. EITHER WAY HE'LL FIND OUT EITHER BY YOU TELLING HIM OR BY THE CREDITORS FINDING HIM AND THEY WILL THEY GET CRAFTY WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PAID A BILL FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS, BUT EITHER WAY YOUR AND IDIOT.

Forlorn Hope

of course you should be honest... or how else will things get sorted??

Da_sauce

It might be scary to tell him, but you have to. Maybe you could work something out after, like selling some of stuff on ebay. But more importantly you should try to stay out of debt no matter what the situation is. Don't forget that marriage is an important bond.

True

I think that you need to address the real issue here: you are masking your feelings about the relationship and your loneliness with shopping. It is very difficult to have an abstent husband. Some women that can't handle it eat and gain weight, others cheat, you apparantely shop above your means. You need counseling.

As for the debt, I would strongly advise against bankruptcy. What you need is a good debt consolidation plan. Once you get over your shopping addiction you can start to live a better life. Remember that this isn't just about you and him, this is also about your child. Shopping yourself out of house and marriage is going to cause your child to do without in the future. That's not fair. You need help.

~leaving traces~

It sounds like you already came clean to him about the debt. The next step is to get to the root of the REASON you do this. My guess is that this "shopping" somehow fills a void for you in some way as your husband has been sent away leaving you alone a few times. What is your payoff? Try to consider the damage it does to your family as a whole, Doll.
There are programs for this, believe it or not. Here's some tips for "Shopaholics".
http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2007/11/12/are-you-a-shopaholic-six-steps-to-curb-compulsive-spending/
The first step to any "addiction" is admitting you have a problem. The next thing you need to do is get help for it.
Take action, Doll. YOU have to change for this to get better.

Warren

Of course you should tell him. This is not the sort of thing you want to have your creditors surprise him with.

More importantly, you should recognize that you are sick and need help. Tell him that too and ask him to help you. Perhaps he can help you find appropriate counseling.

Mark

Honey, is that you?

Kidding about that but not this:

I've had to give in to my wife's idea of normal. To her normal is shopping like you. You, however, seem to recognize that it's not a healthy situation which means there is hope for the 3 of you. Don't let money problems seperate this child from a parent. Be honest and work towards a solution for the sake of the F A M I L Y.

Flaca_in_Az

This is non sense.Why in the world did you get into this mess. Of course you should tell your husband.
Gezzzz lady next time he gets deployed get off the internet and find a new hobbies! Do you work? well I guess is time for you to take responsibility and start paying your debts. Is just not fair your husband is away serving our country and you are screwing up with yours and his finances. Yes come out clean..there is no way around it. Eventually he is going to find out.
Good luck!

inoffensive nickname

Also, if there's a way, please get yourself into counseling. Excessive spending is compulsive behavior, and you need to address it.

jacalynfreeborn

Well, it is no surprise that your marriage is on the rocks. The two of you do not seem to have open communication, therefore your marriage does not have a strong leg to stand on. Honesty goes along with having a strong base. You husband is definately going to be furious with you and I really do not know what he can do to help the situation. He can't neccessarily take away the credit cards and the check book because he is on deployment and you need a way to take care of the children while he is away. Bankruptcy is not always the answer because it makes life more difficult in the long run. Maybe once you tell him, he can have an account set up with money for groceries and neccessities for you and the home. That way the bills get paid out of his account. He can have the bills set up to come directly out of his check. As far as your marriage goes, you will have to own up to this and take the brunt of his anger. You created a situation due to lack of self control. There are other things to occupy your time that will not put your family in debt. You may want to find a more creative way of paying off the excess bills before you file bankruptcy and find a more creative way of hashing out the lonliness in your marriage. Communication is always a good way of doing that as well as finding a hobby that you could enjoy with friends and family. Even finding something for you and your child is better than internet shoppong with credit cards. I am sure the two of you have a common goal in mind for the future. For example, my husband and I would like to buy a new home if not build one in the near future. That is a very large goal to work towards and everytime I buy something, I ask myself if it is neccessary and if it is not, how much further will it put me away from our dream. I don't buy frivilous things. If I want something pretty for the house, I look at garage sales, craig's list, cheap internet sources, or just shop around until the price it right. I generally do not spend more than 25 on sheets and 100 bucks on furniture. For instance, our youngest needed a bad. I found a nice bunk frame for 60 dollars at the thrift store. I found the mattresses for 140. I only spent 200 bucks on something that would cost in abundance of 400 dollars. You need to be more creative and you need to make purchases with your husbands approval and a thought into how it will affect your family and goals. If this does not motivate you to spend less, than you should see a therapist. In addition to all that I have said, do not let your marriage fail because you made a dumb mistake. Own up to what you have done and express your willingness to correct the situation. One of the best ways to do that is to go ahead and find a part-time job if you do not have one to begin to pay off the debt you have made. If you do have a job, then starting to pay off the debt with what you would ordinarily spend on frivilous things would be in your benefit. You should begin to do this before you tell him and tell him that you have done so. Ask him for his help and advice. Remember, you are partners in life and need to do this together.

The One, The Only Krandazzo!

holy christmas woman.....

star_angel_1713

I think its only fair to him being that you are in a committed relationship that you share the info. Its good that you know you have a problem but now you need to fix that problem go get help for it. But you should tell him think about how you would feel if it was him buying ridiculous crap all the time and you were gone fighting for our country? Seems a little different now doesn't it.....

He probably knows you have a problem already, I'm sure you have had conversations about it in the past, especially if you are considering bankruptcy. He probably doesn't know the extent to your debt. 45K is an unacceptable amount of debt, that's probably more than he makes in a year. He's probably seen death, been shot at, seen unimaginable things while deployed...which causes great stress, and debt issues are not going to help that. Honestly, when I get angry...I shut down like he does to avoid saying things I don't mean. He may be unsure on how to react. Do you have a job? Perhaps its time you get one. Have a friend or a parent watch the kid. Cut up or destroy your credit cards so you wont use them, and don't memorize the numbers. Get professional help, you have a shopping addiction. You should tell him so he knows how far of debt you guys are in, your debt is his debt. How he reacts is really up to him, he may be sick of the whole deal. If it were me, 45K would be the deal-breaker. Finances is one of the main reasons while marriages fail...you need to be proactive and stop playing the victim, there are consequences to spending that much money impulsively...one of them may be a divorce, you can't change that...the past is in the past, now YOU need to take the steps to correct or at least minimize the problems. Get a job, see a shrink or fiancial analyst, and start making better decisions (save money, write out a budget, stop spending!).

tiuliucci

Be more than honest. Tell him and mean it that you are ready to get help. Shopping addictions are not uncommon and will get worse without help.

In fact, you might want to do some research and give him some brochures about shopping addiction. That way, even though he will be upset, he will see that you really have a problem.

Take care,
Troy

Waiting on my baby girl!!

You def need to come clean with him, maybe not today as he will wanna relax but maybe tomorrow sit and talk to him...Also my advice would be to CUT UP all credit cards you have....and then maybe you both need to go sit with a person who specializes in getting people outta debt...you have a child to think about and with him being in the military im sure that filing for bankruptcy would get him in trouble...
But with him being military im pretty sure they have somone on base you can go talk to that will help you out...USE ur Resourses!!!!

But most of all marriage is based on trust and you need to be honest with ur husband...he deserves the truth...And you cant get mad at him for being upset with you...you were very irresponsible and not only will this affect you but also ur child....You need to be more responsible and maybe even get a nite job to pay off this debt!

Munch

it is only right to tell him , sure he will flip out but i think he has the right i mean if you know you in dept that much you shouldnt be shopping that much. you have a child to worry about. it is simular to a gambling problem. but atleast you have somehting to show for it. it is an addiction and there is help. not only may it affect yuour marraig but it will also affect your chil. seeing hear the fights and arguments that can be stuck in a kid for years. i think you should tell him and get your priorities striaght .

treatau

banrkruptcy wont effect his career although when you earn a certain amount part of the wage is garnished best to speak to financial counsellor on the exact for that cause every state and country has different laws regarding it on the other matter of your debt and shopping addiction, come clean only if you are honest about changing, if you are then tell him once you have got the help started, so first seek counselling organise what you need to do sort that out and then tell him so you can say to him also i have started to see a counsellor about my problem, rip up your credit cards and start fresh, i suspect his working in the military is hard on you with him being away so your lonely alot of the time maby you need to speak to him about this and tell him how you really feel this isnt just aout your debt and shopping problem the problem lays beneath the surface and its hurting you more than anything thats why you have this addiction

The Naughty Librarian

I think you should schedule an appointment for counseling and see if you can find a support group for this. Get some input from them about telling him. Maybe its even something you should do in a counseling session. Bottom line is he's your husband and he has a right to know. Good luck.

gingygirl

Okay stop the spending - return everything that you can and then get the rest of the crap you don't need (and I mean NEED) get that to consignment shops, garage sales, etc. and take that money and pay down the debt.
You can file for bankruptcy or you can consolidate it....you have options - depends on how far behind you are on the payments - if you are not then work it out, it you are behind then sit down with a professional and work it out.
And then cut up the cards and get some help - stop putting your feelings and your emotions out there with the credit cards and TALK to each other. And the hiding of this is a killer too.
I wish you luck - remember if all else fails think of your child and what kind of legacy you want to leave.

Go see a counselor to help you stop if you can't. I think any adult person who is not wealthy spends 45K just going shopping has some psychological problems that need to be addressed. It also isn't fair that you drag him into it. Maybe you should consider separating your finances until you can be responsible enough to live within your means. If telling him is not going to help anything now, I wouldn't worry him with it, but instead stop doing it right away, take back whatever you can, sell whatever you can, and try to get yourself out of debt as much as you can. When he finally has to find out about it, by then you can tell him that you didn't want to worry him, you knew you were wrong, and were trying to fix the problem as best as you could.

Louise C

I think it will be best if you tell him, because it will only make it worse if you keep it from him and then he finds out anyway. If he loves you as he says, then you will find a way to sort things out. I sympathise about the online shopping, because I know it is terribly addictive. However, you are going to have to give it up if you are going to keep from going bankrupt. You need to tell him and sort things out.

eveknight99

It's always a good idea to be open and honest in your marriage. If it breaks up the marriage, then you need to accept that as your punishment for such foolish and reckless behavior. You obviously don't plan on talking responsibility for your actions otherwise you wouldn't have been shopping online during his resent deployment.

Step up...be a real woman...and face your firing squad

OMG! Yes you need to come clean to him and seek counseling for your shopping addiction. Do you have a job??? You will definitely need one..take responsibility for what you have done and talk to him.

meghan m

I would go and talk to someone who can help you sort out your debt and create a plan of action (like whether you should file for chapter 11, or if you can maybe take out a loan and/or settle with your creditors for a smaller amount) After discussing how your going to get out of debt, I would then go and search for a conselor who can help you with your shopping addiction (because even if you do get out of debt you will only create more debt for yourself if you continue this vicious cycle)...THEN I would tell your husband your problem...with all the steps listed above it will make the conversation not as bad/hopeless when he sees that you are going to make a effort to fix this problem you have.

Masroor Aziz

yeah, be honest and stop shopping so much since you already know how much debt you're in.

I hope everything works out well for you.

iamhere

Damn! Thats alot! But all the same you need to come clean and let him know what you have been doing. Seems that your compensating spending for the love that you are missing in your marriage. Its something you and your husband need to come to terms with. Counseling and much healing. Good luck

Oh yeah and btw cancel all those purchases that you did recently NOW!!!

90304

Yes talk to him. You guys need to resolve this asap and YOU need to get your act together.

My husband would DIE if I told him I was in debt like that. Phew! and I'm stressing about being $400 dlrs in debt!!!

Anya

You did the right thing by telling your husband about your debt. You will just feel better if you tell him everything. If you have to ask if you should quit shopping....you are 45k in debt.....then you do not realize how serious this situation is. Of course you need to stop shopping immediately.....do you not realize you have to pay off the debt first, before you purchase another thing?? Think about how much you owe, then add on to that the additional $$ you will pay by the time you pay it off. Instead of shopping, you should actually think about selling some of your items.

Then there's your shaky marriage. I think you guys definitely need serious counseling. He loves you but never talks to you? What kind of marriage is that? It sounds like your shopping habit is an escape, to make you feel better since there is no connection with your husband.

Do whatever it takes.....I don't admire anyone who shops their way into oblivion, then decides bankruptcy will just take care of it all. You don't say if you work outside the home, but I think you should, and fast. You need to pay this off and you need to work to do it. Good luck.

apples

yes and then go seek professional help.. you have a serious problem that needs to be addressed you not just going to cure yourself one day. the shopping is but a symptom of the true problem

s r f

you just need to go to a debt consolidation agency and let them help you out a bit

burnside 2020

Oh boy. You just precipitated your own disaster. You shouldn't buy things you cannot afford. Talk about getting hosed big time.

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