Should I tell 18 year old daughter the truth about why divorceeing mother?

Janie G

This is a really tough situation to be in, there is no easy way around this one. First and foremost it is sad what is happening with your wife. I am deeply sorry about that. That being said you deserve to be happy and knowing that she cheated on you and that the daughter you've come to love for 18 years is not really yours? How does she expect you to react? And she had to wait til something serious like a terminal illness to come clean to you? If she had not been diagnosed with her illness, would she have EVER told you? That is what I want to know. And obviously she wouldn't have. Now about the paternity situation. I wouldn't even begin to know what you might be feeling. This is a tricky situation to begin with. You can either let it pass and not let your daughter know and just go on with your lives. She will of course still be soooo upset with you because you are divorcing her mother. In time she will eventually have to let that go but who knows, she may never consider letting it go. And that is something you would have to deal with. On the other hand if you tell her, she might rebel and just get out of your life completely. She might be hurt and might take it out on the wrong person, you. She might not want to get mad at her mother because her mother is sick. Right now your daughter needs you the most seeing as how she is going through this difficult time. Or there is another option. You and her mother can sit her down and tell her together. Your wife owes both of you that much now. She has to be the one to come clean and make everything alright bc if not you and your daughter are going to have a hard and strained relationship after she passes because she will have felt that you abandoned her mother in a time of need.

wife,mommy,&baby #2 on the way

I do think you should be honest with your daughter and let her know everything. Why should you look like the bad guy when your not.

carolbierman

tell dauther truth or shell hate you if she finds out from someone else.

String of pearls

She needs to know.

Koozie the chemist

shes 18... tell her. I think you really need to tell her. Especially if you may not be her father.

woop!

I think you should because otherwise your daughter will be upset if you don't. I think she would be able to handle it.

Nikki ?

Your daughter needs to know the truth. If your wife doesn't tell then you tell her. I know if I had a different dad then the one I have I would want to know.

SpicMami

Tell her the truth.
She's an adult, and deserves to know.

RetroBunny69

yes you should. she's 18 years old and she can accept the truth.

Merywen B

well your daughter has a right to know you may not be her biological father

is such a shame that your wife will not say something

You have a right not to forgive her after such a revelation, though perhaps it would be an idea if you saw a counsellor about it? Especially since it was something that happened so long ago. Your wife is ill and my die - so is a very stressful time for everyone. counselling may be wise

You could explain to yout daughter that there are some serious reasons for the divorce and yep that you may not actually be her biological dad. she may want to know who her biological dad is - although you will always be her dad and she your daughter because you loved and raised her

ferochira

Of course you should, she is an adult, very able to understand and has every right to know.
If the wife is on a confession kick, your daughter should have been told by now.
Your daughter and you, are in the same shoes, so to speak and has everything to do with this.
Go ahead, sit her down and have an honest open discussion about "you, your feelings of betrayal and her.

Rapscallion Account #2

I'd tell her the truth..

saarahthebee

Tell her. Your daughter should know.

supremyecy23

divorce her. she did you wrong and she knew it at the time. and made you believe a kid was yours for 16 years when it wasnt. you can still have a father daughter relationship, but get the ***** out of the house. and tell the daughter too. maybe she was punished for her infidelity by getting cancer. get out now and try to be happy from here on out. you can still be by her side as a friend, but as a lover its over. move on away from her

silly_duck96

That was a long time ago. 3 years is quite a while to have an affair...but she is terminally ill. Are you really going to let that get in the way of the woman you loved for so long? She sure as hell isn't going to be cheating now. She is going to die. You will never see her again. And you kicked this dying woman you loved out because she cheated on you nearly 2 decades ago? She is your wife. If I was your daughter I wouldn't talk to you either. If she cheated longer don't you think she would tell you? "Once a cheater always a cheater" she would of told you. So are you going to stop talking to your daughter now since she isn't your's? Yeah, it was wrong of your wife, very wrong..but you should enjoy the little time you have left with her..not hating her.

CatNip

Tell the daughter the truth. She's 18, so she's an adult.

James

Tell the truth, otherwise your "daughter" will continue to hate you for the rest of your life.

GidgetGirl

Make her mother tell her.

justakiss62

I think your ex wife should tell her. She is her mother. She did the deed. It is her responsibility.

Although I don't condone what she did and truly believe that in easing her own conscious she has also destroyed her family. ( I'm sure you would have preferred for her to take it to her grave.) 16 years is a long time to have proven to you that she did try to do the right thing eventually. Couldn't you try to work it out and heal this family before your wife has to leave this world? Obviously that will be hard on you too. You are bitter right now but think about the consequences of what you are doing as well.

Good luck

1Glamourgirl

As sad as this truly is the truth will set all of you free, but however I would have a DNA test done first before telling the story because she just may turn out to be your daughter after all. You do need to forgive your wife spike what happen in the past. You did marry her for better or worst and worst being the lie and cheating on you prior in the marriage. Do you love your wife this matters too? If you truly love her than I would say stay with her, but if not than move on knowing you did your best for her and your daughter may not be of your blood but you did raise her as your own, there fore she is your child as well. The main thing is for all of you to forgive one another. The reason I say your daughter needs to know Truth is for the same reason your wife needed to tell you the truth. It has a way of coming out sooner or later and the long you wait the more painful it becomes. Plus! If you can't forgive your wife just how do you think God can forgive you. Jesus said who is free of sin cast the first stone?? Tell me are you perfect from sinning? She made a mistake and has and still is paying for it don't make your wife suffer anymore than she already is OKAY Please! God forgive us all please find it in your heart to bring your wife back home and be by her side until death do you both a part. I pray for you and your family. Please! Keep me inform and I hope you all fine peace in your hearts. Amen

Lys C

You should explain to your daughter that although biologically you may not be her father that you are and always will be her Dad! You also may want to reconsider your wife moving out. Yes she did a terrible thing but what is best for your daughter? Is it good for her to think as her father as so vindictive that he would through mom out to die because of something she did 16 years ago? If she is terminal as you say there is a definitive end to the time you will need to be around her why short change your daughter of that time with her mom?

the_hedda_lettuce

Your daughter has a right to know.
Plus, why not have a paternity test done?
So if you're not her biological father, she needs to know who is for her own medical history.

Being that the affair happened over 16 years ago, and that she can't change the past, why hold it against her?
She's going to die anyway and your life with her will end eventually.
No sense in going through a divorce.

I think you should just swallow your pride instead of being like a wrecker ball and destroying every thing around you.

Common Sense

You should not be divorcing your wife, you should not
be putting her out of the house..
And yes, go ahead and tell your daughter so
she can know you for the person you really are.

Seriously?

I can understand the way you feel. Very shocking to say the least. If you could find it in your heart to forgive and continue to be a father to your daughter (in her eyes you are her father!) and perhaps reconcile with your wife (who does owe you a lot). It wasn't right what was done, but if you love them both - find it in your heart to forgive your wife, push to talk to your daughter about her roots and then heal together. Tough at best...

Trilogy

I would think very carefully about this. You sound quite selfish and rigid. Your daughter is going to be losing a mother just as she is making the transition into a woman - now you want to tell her that her dad is not her dad too....she loses both parents in one go. You are prepared to destroy a lot of lives to retain the moral highground.

bobby d

Have you ever done something a LONG time ago that you regret? Forgive her, comfort her during her last days, but tell your daughter the truth. What if she or a child she has develops an inherited medical condition. It might save a life to know the truth.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"

susan

Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? Telling her the truth can be worse than her being mad at you now. I also believe that once a cheater always a cheater, but i am curious if you are divorcing and abandoning your wife? if that is the cause that can be more of the reason why your daughter is upset. i am 26 and i have a great relationship with my dad but if i found out that he wasn't my biological dad it wouldn't change anything for he has been my dad my whole life he has always been there for me. i think your daughter would feel the same way. it would be good for her to know that she isn't yours for medical history reasons, but sometimes those aren't important. I am sorry that you were cheated on. but if there were no other problems in the marriage i can see where your daughter might feel like this is because her mom is ill. i think your daughter is old enough to know the truth but i think both you and the mom should tell her . and tell her in a constructive and loving way.

i wish you the best

Mike

Don't you love women?
Tell her, either that or she will be a man hater,
I'd rather have her be mad at a cheating mom than a "heartless" dad.

ouragon

Your wife was bad, but she's been good for 16 years. You are destroying your family for capricious reasons. Get over yourself and take your TERMINALLY ill wife back in.

Nena S

I think you should let your wife die and take the secret with her.

Your daughter is not the one who should have to suffer and find out you are not her dad. After all, she thinks you are and she loves you as such.

Why would you want to hurt her this way...and let her have to deal with the fact her mother cheated on you and that she was probably an unwanted child?

Be generous and be kind...I know it's hard for you to deal with this...But don't you think you can avoid causing your daughter so much anguish? That is what love is about, after all.

I am sure your wife must feel awful about this, and she must wish she'd never done it. Guilt and remorse are terrible burdens...Perhaps her guilt is what caused the cancer, to begin with!

You should stand by your wife, and you should tell your daughter. In the end, it will be just the two of you, and you will be glad you stayed by your wife's side while she passes on. Your daughter will love you even more if you do. Yes your wife made a big mistake, but you and your daughter came out ahead, you have each other. Maybe you wife loved you enough to give you a daughter, not quite the right way, but we are just humans, and we make mistakes.

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