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Should a wife/mother put her husband or children first?
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Should a wife/mother put her husband or children first?


Vocal Democrat
We went to marriage counseling for 3 years, and I firmly that you need to put your spouse FIRST! The marriage is the pinnacle of everything else. If you have a strong marriage, then the children will be sheltered and protected by the marital wall.

But you don't have the strong relationship with your spouse, then how is anything else going to fall place?!

You married your spouse, not your kids! Not to say that you neglect your kids - NO WAY am I saying that. But you need to meet the needs of your husband, and likewise, he needs to meet your needs as well! Once both of your needs are met, then you (both) are empowered to give 100% aattention to your kids!

Your relationship with your husband should be first, as long as he is not demanding full attention or is doing things that are deal killers, like abusing you or the children or abusing alcohol or other drugs. It is a real balancing act, but the children need to come in a close second. ( and you need to be at the top of the list above all of them, because if you do not take care of you, problems will arise.
If you do not put your husband (and your self) first, you might end up with nothing to give the kids, or worse, might end up divorced, traumatizing everyone.

Husband comes first. Without a healthy marriage, you will not have healthy children. The marriage drives the family.

Husband, if you want a family.
Child, if you want to be another single parent.

wish I were
Her Husband!!! The kids will grow up and move out, but you'll still be married! If you don't take care of your husband while the kids are growing up, you may find yourself alone when they leave!!!

In a normal family environments (where there isn't abuse, and there's no obvious need for the mom to protect the kids from dad) - then the husband comes first.

Too many kids put mommy and daddy against eachother to get their way - and the kids need to know they can't do that...that mom and dad are a team and can't be divided. Also, one of the best things a couple can do for a child is to make sure that child knows that mom and dad love each other, and are going to stick together.

She should put herself first. Now before someone comes along and says I am selfish, answer this: if Mom doesn't take care of herself, how can she be there to take care of her kids?

That being said, if her husband is a good man/provider with no vices (drugs/alcohol/gambling/abuse/adultery), she should put him first because then they can care for the children together. The best thing people can do for their children is to take care of themselves.

If he is at all involved with any of the above vices, then by all means she should put her kids first.

Gwen Z
Husband. When the wife and the husband are on the same page and in the right place in their life, they will be even better parents to their children. Unless of course the husband is abusive, then of course the wife should put the kids first and leave.

her husband of course

all these other people are just retarded adn that is why hte world is like it is today

the best thing you can do and give to your kids is two parents that love one another

children are an ADDITION to a marriage, they ought not take the place of it

Husband! Kids grow up and leave. You might want the husband to stay.

I think she should put her husband first. By putting her husband first she is showing commitment to the marriage. This keeps the marriage healthy and happy. Then the children will directly benifit from their parents having a happy marriage.

children's safety should always come first. However husbands should not be put as second. I need more info to ascertain this situation.

amy j
been married for almost 11 yrs i put my husband first, we were a couple before the kids came along, thats why its not good to stay together for the kids, to me its lying to the kids, the kids think everything is good when its not, people who stay toether for kids are big liars, kids need to know reality and that sometimes adults fail in life and in marriage, but you dont love them less because mommy and daddy are no longer together, i have a great marriage, but god forbid my hubby and i divorce we will tell our kids the truth, i refuse to lie to them, like most do, to make things look good in front of their kids,when the kids find out the truth, they end up resenting the parents, then you got another mess to deal with, just like santa and the easter bunny, my 2 yr old knows there is no such thing, i wont have my child think there is something there isnt, that to me is lying to her, so at xmas & easter she knows its mommy & daddy giving her gifts, not santa & the easter bunny.

The parents should put themselves first and the children second. If the parental aspect of the family falls apart then the children lose out anyway.
When a child is very small, (infant) then of course the baby should have priority.
As the children get older it is easy for mom to get to involved in the kids and let dad fend for himself. Its very important for the parents to keep a good bond, and to make sure there is parental time each day.. The kids can wait a few minutes.

Scottie J
Husband first- he was the person you originally committed to spending the rest of your life with. But it is a very fine line.

I look at it this way, I was blessed with my kids but I CHOOSE my husband. It is my jib to raise them to be good people, ect.... but in the end they will leave and I will have my husband.

neither you should put yourself first because if you are always putting your husband and children first you lose sight of you and who you are and if you don't take care of yourself you can't give others all of you.

What about putting THE FAMILY first? That includes the kids, Dad, AND yourself (as the wife/mother). Love everybody as they need to be loved. Don't put any one person ahead of another; children don't need to be coddled to the extent that a spouse feels neglected, and vice versa. Mothers also need to realize that being a martyr for the rest of the family isn't a great idea either -- if you play the doormat, sooner or later, they'll start treating you like one.

Flower Girl
I am married, but not to the father of my child. I usually put my child first, and my theory is that she will be grown and on her own someday and I will have all kinds of time for my husband. Not that he is neglected now, but children are only little once.

I think in a family there are times when each person gets to be put first. If a mother constantly puts everyone ahead of her she will end up losing herself, miserable about her life and resentful. I think the goal should be that EVERYONE in a household is happy and healthy. There are too many moms out there that don't take care of themselves and in the end, they suffer, and so do their husbands and kids. I don't think its a contest to see who gets to be "first", rather a goal to live a life where everyone needs are met and the entire family gets to rally around each person to help them achieve what they want in life. THIS INCLUDES MOM!! The entire FAMILY should be put first!

should be husband. Your children do eventually grown up and have their own families you know.

The children are the most important thing. That does not mean however that you have to totally forget yourself. If you do not take care of yourself then how can you really give for your children.

being a "child" i wood say child. it depends the situation but my mum has always said she wood believe me and my bro over our step dad any day. this puts his back up sumtimes wen its his word against me bro's (dey argue lots as theyr both very strong characters).
i feel guilty that he isnt getting believed but if i no one is lying i will stick up for the truth. i dont no the situation but i think it is important to choose your kids. if they are not believed by you then who can they tell things to. your husband will get over it and shood luv you and your children as well.

Wife/mother first, then children, then husband. Think of it this way. Adults can usually get out of any situation they find themselves in. children must be helped. You can guide them to the choices that should be made then leave them to figure out what is right for them.

Adults tend not to listen anyway so why help someone if they are not going to listen to you in the first place.

BOTH! It is a balancing act. You need to meet the needs/desires of your kids and husband as the situations dictates. You don't want to neglect either, or overindulge either. Remember "you can't please all the people all the time". You can only do so much.... they will both have to learn to be "second" at times. And so importantly don't forget there are times to put "you first"! You will burn out trying to be a 'people pleaser' if you don't allow yourself to be human!

I think of it this way. A husband and wife are suppose to become one and so the husband should be placed where you place yourself. I feel that my obligation to my children [prior to becoming adults] means that they come before me, thus they come before my husband. However, part of the obligation to your children is taking care of yourself and fulfilling your needs not wants [thus your husbands too] in order to ensure you both can take care of them to the best of your ability.

There is a way to balance it.....but I find that many women get so absorbed in the mommy part that they really neglect their husbands, and there is a way to do both well. Sometimes the kids will come first, and sometimes the husband will....we take long weekend trips, just the two of us and I can guarantee you that I'm not putting the kids first when we do this, but it is such a good thing for our marriage....however, most of the time we both focus a lot on the kids....are you struggling with this issue?

children (duh...)

I don't understand, why is the husband forcing the woman to choose? Without any sort of specifics, I would say the children simply because the husband should be working with the family, not against it.

You should always put your children befor everything..

Too me i say put your children as well as your husband befor anything but if it came down to only one i would choose my children!

@ melsaperez. Your daughter is wrong. Your husband has raised her and he has been there for her always, just because she is mad at him and he doesn't want your abusive, disrespectful son in law in your house doesn't mean that he is mean, or that you are a bad mother. You should stand by your husband because he is right. He cannot welcome your son in law back in your house as if nothing happened. That will just tell him that what he did was okay and that he can beat your daughter up any time he wants and you won't care, because you will treat him as if nothing happened. Too bad if your daughter doesn't think you are a good mom. Lets see who she will go running to when her husband beats her again. Unfortunately you can't make her see that her husband is wrong, she will have to learn on her own. Instead she should be mad at her husband for breaking down your door and disrespecting your house and both of you. My advise is, tell your daughter until her husband doesn't apologize he can't go into your house and she needs to apologize to your husband as well. She is being rude and ungrateful like her husband. She is a grown married woman now, she needs to learn how to act like one and if she chose her husband then she should stay by her husbands side. In addition you did mention he was deployed, he needs to see a mental professional, maybe his deployment had an effect on him and if he doesn't get help now, he will continue to be aggressive and abusive and I am sure you don't want that for your daughter either.

If you put your children first they will never know how to be a good Husband or Wife. Lead by example. You will never teach your cild how they should be treated by thire spouse as well if you teach them children always comes first. They will not be children forever and they must pursue and engage in healthy adult relationships, and they can't if they did not have examples. Spouses always come first.

I have 3 children from my previous marriage, my husband now is the one who helped me raised them, i believe he's been a good stepdad, he's been there anytime they need him to support them. I have a dauther 22 yrs, she got married husband was deploy and she was staying at our house with her baby. There was a problem that all of sudden she stop talking to my husband, my daughter's husband beat her a while ago, and he was so mad that he broke the house's door, my husband told my daughter your welcome to stay with the baby, but i dont him at my house, cause he didn't respect it. Since then my daughter doesn't talk to my husband, and on Saturday there was an incident , he tried to talk to her and she was screaming at him, and she decided to leave , now she's telling me that i'm not a good mother , cause i didn't defender her, and she thinks that my husband is first and not them, what should i do?

The husband and wife need a happy marriage to provide a happy home for the children of the house. In respect to the children they need their mom and dad to be happy as well.

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