Should i forgive my wife for cheating on my and our kids?

*PJ*

This can work out, but it won't be easy.

First of all, you BOTH have to want it to work. As an observation, if your gut tells you that you are the fall back guy, then you most likely are exactly that.

And you don't owe her forgiveness - SHE HAS TO EARN IT!!!! She has to earn your forgiveness by giving up her lover, first and foremost. No further contact, no talking, no seeing each other socially, ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT!!

Then, she needs to take actions to earn back your trust and ultiimately, your forgiveness. She needs to focus 100% on you and your family. She needs to do whatever it takes to reassure you that she is being true to you.

That means accounting for her time 100% of the time when you are not together, showing you her cell phone bills (and call record), or whatever it takes to make YOU feel comfortable that she is not cheating. You are the only one who can decide what actions she needs to take and she needs to be willing to do whatever you ask of her.

She also needs to listen to you, and you need to explain to her, exactly how much this has hurt you. She needs to hear that stuff and you need to vent it! It's going to be difficult and painful for both of you and it's going to take time. You can't fix this overnight.

Are you BOTH willing to take the time and expend the effort, both emotional and physical, to fix this? You and your wife need to answer that question, separately and as a couple, before you can even start to repair the damage. If one of you, either you or her, isn't willing then you should divorce.

happywoman74

Take it very slow. You don't want to get back together only to seperate again as this will hurt you and the children. If I were you I would find sometime just for you and your wife to sit and talk. Have your thoughts and questions ready. I would question her like she's interviewing for a job.

Here are some questions I would ask.

What was our marriage lacking that you felt you had to cheat to get? Why didn't you confront me regarding your issues rather then shacking up with a stranger? What exactly is gonna be different if we get back together? Do you agree that you are responsible for your actions and lack there of? How can I ever trust you again? How would you feel if I were the cheating spouse? Would you be willing to forgive and why? Have your cut off all ties with your lover?

Then I would have some thoughts for her to hear. I would explain to her that this is it. This is the one time to clear the air of everything and try to make it work. This would be my last attempt ever at reconciling with her.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Unfortunately sometimes we have to lose what we have in order to appreciate it. This could be the case with her. The grass was looking greener. If you find it to forgive her then make sure she realizes this is the last chance. You can forgive her but she's gonna have to find ways to build your trust. I would make it very clear that you want her to share every feeling with you rather you like how she feels or not. Tell her you don't want to be a dictator. You want to be a loving husband who cherishes his wife and she's not allowing it. You two have to be able to speak freely to eachother so that you both understand how each feels. This marriage consists of two people, two different sets of feelings and two different views of fixing it. Everyone knows that if you divide a country you will conquer it. Same goes for marriage. You divide the couple and they will fall. You two can't be divided. You must compromise. So you must agree to work out problems together. If she has a problem, it's your problem and vice versa. Together you can survive anything, remember that!

I hope you and your wife are able to work through this. But make sure you take it slow and talk it out before anyone moves back home. You want to be 100% sure that you're both willing to fight hard for this marriage. Rather she's honest or not, the marriage was lacking something. She was not getting her needs met. Now that could be her own fault because she didn't speak up. Or it could be your fault for not listening. Either way though something was lacking. Don't play the blame game. This game is about finding what was wrong to begin with to see whether or not the marriage can be fixed. Love is what brings us together. Communication is what keeps us together! I wish you the best of luck!

bobohead

if you feel you are the back up man, then most likely you are. get a lawyer, and show her what she has done is wrong.

Simply Me

You may have to do what I did and that is to tell her that if she wants it to work she'll have to sever all ties with her "friend". This includes phone calls, e-mails, and meeting.

I actually went to her "friends" work and did the hardest thing I've ever done. This was to STAY CALM while I told him that I knew i'd made a mistake by not paying as much attention to my wife as I should have.

I then told him that WE wanted to work things out and that I would like that chance. I asked him not to answer her calls or e-mails and have no contact with her at all.

I told him that I loved her and then I put him in my shoes with the kids and all.

He complied, but it broke my wifes heart for about three months until she realized that I was doing everything that I said I would which was not judge her and started treating her like I did when we were dating.

Any other questions, you can e-mail me

Kari

Tell her to get into counseling so you two can go together and see if it can work. If you know for a fact that she is still seeing the other man then don't even bother. Good luck to you either way. At least your kids can say that they have an awesome dad.

~Baby D~

I would not even entertain the thought until the other man was out of the picture for good.

Soldier Girl

like i told you...once a cheater always a cheater. she is using you to fall back on. if her and this guy break up, she needs some one to fall back on so she is not alone, get a divorce. its best for you and your kids. if you want your kids to grow up and be cheaters like your wife, stay with her. if you want your kids to grow up and be with some one for along time, then leave her. she is wasting your life and you have no point in staying with her. you know she will cheat again and it will hurt you more. you dont need that for yourself and your children. alot of people might say to go back with her but you are just her fall back on guy. she is using you..get it through your head, she doesnt really want you, she doesnt want to loose her kids. she will have to loose them sooner or later. she cant do anything about it.

USP

No.

Kevin R

That's a hard one .

If you want her , then keep her , With her faults . It's your life and only you can know whether or not this adultery thing with her is a deal breaker .

Yes , you are being used and manipulated and lied to .
Still , you know how you feel about this and you already know what you need to do .

If you decide on divorce , make sure you hold off on filing until you get Evidence !! That will hold up in court .

Lela A

you have a lot of issues to consider, what is best for the children..one can parent alone..depends on if she is really ready to stop the cheating, would you consider some kind of counseling before deciding what to do..

AnneGoldman

Honestly, if you really feel she'll do it again I'd end it now. Whether she has the intentions to or not, this means you don't feel comfortable with her. Of course everyone has fights and things like that, but you have to think, will pretending to be happy really make things work?

And lets say you do decide to trust her, and she does do it again, don't you think that that would hurt your children more than before? I'd end it before things go too out of control.

If your kids have a rough time, and wonder what's going on, tell them the truth, but don't make it sound like you hate her, or they might take it as picking sides. Whether or not you are husband and wife, you are both parents and need to work side by side in parenting.

colder_in_minnesota

It will always be a problem, and you'd need serious counseling, both of you individually and both of you together, to make it work. Theoretically it could work, I suppose, but it seems unlikely. Still, I do know one couple who managed to get over the wife's infidelity and have it work out, but they both did do individual therapy and couples' therapy. Good luck.

gmconlan

It's a tough call, because you want to see your kids happy. YOU won't end up happy though and the kids will see it. She sounds insecure; like she has to have a man in her life for her to be a whole person. I wouldn't put any more effort into the situation and I'd find some new blood.

lora

What's best for your children is that they have two happy parents. It sounds like she's not going to stop cheating and if you take her back you will be unhappy and resentful.

As hard as it is, I would let her go. Let the kids know you both love them, but seriously you need to be happy in life.

Think hard and choose what will make you happy now and in the long term. Your kids will understand.

Geraldine

She did cheat on you & your kids.
She should be ashamed of her self. People go into marraige thinking it is not sacred. It is even for a non religious person. It is something special between two people. The trust has clearly gone and to have love is to have trust and many other things. Be strong and leave her. You will be helping yourself and even your kids in a way. Being brought up in a home where my parents resent each other for an affair that happened a long time ago is just as bad as a broken home. You might not think you do but deep down as much as you love her you will always resent her for what she did. Would you be able to live like that?
Taking her back will only show your kids that sort of behaviour is right and should be forgotten, this will affect their relationships when they are older too (if they know about the situation).. Stand your ground and show you will not have it. Then they will become strong men & women in the future.
Besides from what you have said she does not seem genuinely remorseful for her actions. She wants you back becos her relationship with this guy did not go according to plan. Never settle for second best.

Good luck

Star

I can honestly say , you need to let her go , in the first place it wasnt you that cheated it was her . Second , she wasnt thinking about you or the children when she was doing this . I believe you and your kids need to move on , and show her that you can do it without her in your life (married ) . You dont need to stay married to her if she betrayed you. I really hope you come to understand that this women obviously doesnt care of what your emothions are , let alone the children since you already stated she still doesnt stop seeing this man. Even if you try to make it work , her heart will not be with yours in wanting same love and affetcion . I would suggest to get the children and move on , at least you can be there for them with without them seeing who is the adulture in the home. My best wishes to you and your kids , you deserve better .

Anji

I think you need to give it more time...

She cannot be trusted.

Debbie

Sounds like your wife wants her cake and wants to eat it too. NOONE is worth being crapped on like that. And lets not even get into what this type of environment is doing to your children. Do you really want them to think its okay for this type of behavior to occur, not to mention the arguments that no doubt occur as a result. As parents, we need to stop the selfishness and devote outselves to our kids. And if that means ridding the environment of toxins that pollute our kids, then so be it. Step up to the plate and be a father to your children! Kids are better off living in harmony with only one parent than living in hell with both. Believe me...Ive been there! Saying that you should stay together for the kids sake is just an excuse! And Ill be she was the one who said it too, huh?

felicia a

If she has cheated on you and is still seeing this other guy I would divorce her. I was married before and been cheated on. Let me tell you it doesn't change. Is it worth wondering where she is going and what she is doing when you can't be with her? Would you truly ever be able to trust her again? If you don't have trust you have no real relationship. My advice to you is think of your kids. Get a divorce, have visitation with the kids and just be there for them. It's not good for the kids to see you guys fighting or to hear you guys talk about the other one. Think about it.

Orange

If you have to ask this question, and you say "that you want it to work" then perhaps you should give her a chance, but with conditions. If you let her back into your home, like it sounds like you want, grounds rules should be clearly established so that she does not ruin more lives.

marlese 999

You're approaching it all wrong. If you divorce her, you feel that you're breaking up your family. That is so, so wrong. She broke up the family when she cheated on you, and then went on to verify that decision by continuing the relationship. She has left you with no choice. You need to give her no more chances, call a lawyer, and start planning for new living arrangements. It's over. She doesn't respect you, but you still need to respect yourself.

Rick31

She wants her cake and eat it too. You have given her ample time to stop seeing the other guy and she has not. I'd divorce her because she is certainly not being a wife to you nor a mother to her kids. Her priorities are all messed up.

Brock S

A marriage will not work if you are just staying together for the kids. That will only hurt the kids and you. If you get back together, it must be for the right reasons and for it to work you must forget and forgive and move on, however it takes both of you to do that and if shes not willing to move on with out the other guy its never going to work.

Just Me

Every situation and person is different. No one can tell you what to do, we can only offer advice. In my opinion without knowing the whole story I think it would be best for you to take a few days and think about what u want. There are many questions you need to ask yourself (and answer) about the relationship that you have with her. Only then will you know the road that you need to take.

pdanusis

Anytime the word cheat comes up it just gets me mad. You both at onetime loved each other so much that you got married. As for giving her one more chance, that is your call, but she would have to come to you and ask you to forgive her and promise you that she will not do this again. Will she do this or not? You know her...I don't. If she can't, then it time to move on.

Daddy's Girl

Go with your gut, if it says no. Stay out.
You are not doing the kids any favors by staying for them.
never would I stay with anyone for the kids, I know what it's like.
Stay if your gut tells you to, if it says out, Get out!!!
My parents tried for us kids, it was the worst thing they ever did.
Since they finally broke up...
My Mom's been married 4 times, My Dad found true love!
But he had to get out!
they been married now 20 years, never been happier for him.

Soonlee

YES, forgive her or you will be the one who is hurting all the time. NO, don't take her back. Every time she leaves the house you will be suspicious (who wouldn't?) Women are master manipulators. I know, I am one. I think it's odd that she did this especially with young children. She obviously wasn't thinking of them. The best thing for the kids will be for you to make the divorce as amiable as possible. Try to remain civil towards her. The kids need you to be happy and they need you to be there for them. When they get older they will understand who's fault it was. She would have stopped seeing the other guy if she had really come to her senses and regretted what she had done. The fact that she still sees him speaks volumes! Be strong. Don't take it anymore. And be prepared that this new strength of yours might actually turn her on. Women like men who are strong and take-charge. The fact that she actually thinks you will take her back after all this tells me that she thinks you are weak.

Now What?!!

What is best for the children is that you're happy and you're not happy and you will never be happy as long as you're married to her. You will trust her again. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better and being with her is not going to make you feel better if anything it will make you feel bad and insecure.

ColdWx

No, move on.

MeNoTroll

It seems your wife wants her cake and eat it too.
She needs to make a decision--And so do you. Because children are involved, that does make your decisions harder. But face the facts--are you happy like this? Apparently she is not or she'd stay her behind at home with you and your kids.
Children can spot when their parents are happy and when they are not.
Your wife broke the rules of the vows when she slept with another guy. I'm not saying that couples can't work things out after one cheats, but it does put a huge strain on the marriage and the relationship in general. Trust is a big issue too. Once you lose trust in someone, it is very hard to get it back or live everyday wondering if she's out with him, or if He's out with her, etc...
What is best for your children is for them to have both parents. That doesn't mean you have to stay married, but both parents have to be in the mix and you have to be GOOD parents. The only way to be a good parent is to be a happy parent. This situation is not a happy situation and so, your children will pay for it, if you both continue to be unhappy.
If you really want to keep your family together, I suggest you both seek help together and individually. Even if she says she wants out, let her out, but you still seek some type of counseling. The right woman will come along, be faithful, love you and your children, and you can once again be a happy family.
I wish you luck.

monmex

why would my wife kept a secret of cheating with two or three men after me accusing her for so many years but she was deining it, and now that we r getting a divorce she is telling me the truth she slept with those guys over the years, I have two kids and it hurts me baddly for them even though I am getting a divorce I like to know wtf was on her head, she accused me of no being a good husbund but I think she made a bad choice instead of talking to me before she did what she did . Do u agree ??

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