Should the fact that she had an abortion matter?

D K

What an interesting question...!

Should you be offended? Well probably not. First, she DID tell you. Second, as so many others have tritely noted, you weren't in the picture so it wasn't about you.

Should it matter? Possibly. Certainly it was legally her choice and within her legal right...and it had nothing to do with you.

However, our past decisions and actions may be a window into our character. For example, if you had asked if the fact that she had cheated on her taxes or embezzled money, or cheated on boyfriends it might seem clearer cut to you. If you feel abortion is taking a life rather than a choice to remove unwanted tissue it might matter to you that she would choose to take a life to live hers more conveniently.

On the other hand, we have all done things that we are not proud of and that are wrong even by our own standards. That is part of being human. We are not perfect. Those that think they haven't done anything wrong are arrogant and deluded.

If it were me it would depend on her attitude about it. The fact that she was reluctant to tell you might tell you she is not proud of it. If that is the case and she has learned and grown from it. Great. If she is is defensive about it and happy with her decision, personally, I'd take a pass.

tirebiter

no - obviously this has haunted her for awhile - don't judge - support and love her as you always did.

eeyore6838

I not sure you should be offened but maybe wondering what else she hasn't told you it sounds like you two need to sit and have a little heart to heart talk about very thing. Maybe she wasn't sure of your reaction, its time to open up to each other before you take the trip down the isle. Good luck

momoftwobestkids

i think that she told you now before you did get married and that should be good enough if you cant live with the fact that she did it then you need to tell her that and be honnest now dont marry her and then resent her for it or hold it over her head...

BABS

HAVE YOU EVER ASKED? OR HAS SHE EVER DENIED IT? BECAUSE IF NOT, THAN YOU REALLY CANT BE MAD, BESIDES, LEARN TO FORGIVE HER. THAT WAS THE PAST AND YOU LOVE EACHOTHER TOO MUCH TO LET THAT BREAK YOU APART.

Scotty

This has been a very traumatic event in her life, one that she probably wanted to forget. She made a very difficult decision, one that she has to live with (right or wrong) for the rest of her life. I wouldn't be offended. She has probably been looking for a way to tell you for a long time and it was made easier by the effects of alcohol. You obviously love her enough to want to marry her, try not to judge her just accept her for the person she is now and offer support when she needs it. She'll love you all the more for it. Everyone has a past and if we were all judged for the things we have in the closet before meeting our prospective life partners there would not be many weddings! Look to your future but if you still feel offended tell her in a calm way that she can confide in you and (if the occasion arises) you will do the same in her.

Fish Master

She might purposely got herself drunk so that she got the courage to tell you. Whether or not she did it for purpose, be a man brother, nobody is perfect. The next thing you should do is bring her for a checkup and see if there will be problem or danger for her to conceive in future. Let her know you still care for her.

â™¥ Miss Mimzy

why hold something against her now? you love her don't you? then understand that it's hard sure she told you late and that can be upsetting when getting deeper into your relationship.. but thing of what she probably went thru how scared she was..
secoundly it was back then.. just let her know "baby, I'm sorry to hear what happend, and I'm glad you told me.. (this way she will be comfortable in telling you things... biggest fear girls have is losing someone they really love) I'm hear for you. sure it was upsetting to hear, but I love you and I want to make you feel comfortable.."
she lost a baby... that's alot.. losing you would be just as hard if not harder knowing that she has had you forever and knowing you will still be walking the grounds

emma

she probably didnt tell you because not only is she probably not exactly proud of this but she probably didnt want to lose you, i'm not saying you shouldnt be mad but if you really love her, with time you will forgive and forget

missizzy

it seems to me that the only reason this came out is because she was drunk, which suggests to me that she kept quiet about it because she was embarrassed and ashamed. i think the two of you should sit down and talk it out before you do anything else. you should let her know that you're upset that she didn't tell you before, but she should also have a chance to come completely clean. get everything out in the open now, and your marriage will be that much better, because she won't be afraid to tell you things anymore, because you showed love and support when she confessed her deepest secret. i wish you the best of luck.

vrandolph62

obviously this is an issue with you or you wouldn't have posted your question here for the public to scrutinize. it really SHOULDN'T matter to you, since the woman you fell in love with, obviously, had an abortion prior to meeting or loving you. check yourself. zoom out. does she make you feel good when you're with her? do you get a little flip-flop in your heart each time you hear her voice or see her walking toward you? when you think of her, does your heart feel love? if so, that shouldn't matter. she revealed that part of her life to you because she loves you and trusted you to accept her for who she is. abortion is a very personal and difficult choice for a woman to make, and for her to have "confessed" that to you took EXTREME trust and DEEP love. she wants you to know everything about her, and so what if it took a few drinks to loosen her up enough to tell you? it's obviously a very passionate subject for both of you. be thankful that she loves you and trusts you enough to have told you about that past part of her life. if you don't think abortion should be done, then tell her that, so that she knows that if she ever gets pregnant while you're together, you want her to have the baby. it's that simple. don't blow a good thing dude. appreciate what you've got...a truly loving, dedicated, HONEST woman who's devoted to you. hope this helped you, and good luck.

Jennifer D

I would be concerned if her morals are not in line with yours.

Kitty

I don't think you should be offended... It's such a deeply personal issue for some people that they don't necessarily share with anyone else. Most people who'd ever known me have no idea I had an abortion when I was 18. It is a delicate subject that doesn't exactly get brought up often.

Unless you had asked her before if she'd had an abortion, and she lied and said "no" - you have no reason to be put off.

pr1ncezz

She was probably feeling ashamed, & afraid that you would judge her. Show her she was right for telling you the truth, & you would not reject her. Show her that you love & accept her~ flaws & mistakes included.

Akida

No, it really has nothing to do with you. It probley took her the drinks to tell you in the first place, something she probley isnt proud of, she need your support.
Its a part of her past, and she did nothing against you. She didnt even know you at the time. i would be thankful she is opening up to you. And when would have been the appropriate time to tell you?
Congratulations on your engagement

Deirdre O

Obviously this subject is very painful to her. She needed to be drunk to share this with you because it fills her with fear. I would bet that she still feels horribly guilty over this and has really never gotten over the pain of losing this child. You have no idea what she was going through at the times and the emotional pain this decision this must have caused her. She is not the first girl to have an abortion and nor I am sorry to say is she the last. I think that everyone makes mistakes in their lives and the true measure of a man is to realize that move past it and to focus on making a future together. I can bet that you have done something or other in the past that still makes your cringe and I doubt that anyone would judge you over it either. The decisions we make when we are younger do not necessarily reflect the person we have become today. My advice is put this aside and move on. Good luck.

Evolving

I wouldn't be offended at all. However, I don't agree with everyone who is saying to keep your past a secret. If your getting married to each other you should know as much as you can about the other person and be ready to accept it. Blocking communication and keeping secrets is a fast track to the end of what you haven't even started. Don't come down on her. She told you. Use it to open up the lines and learn more about each other. The more you know about each other (and can accept) the more you can trust each other. The more you trust each other the better off you will be.

Pilgrim

These things tend to come out in their own time but sooner would have been better than later. What you are left to consider is that if you two had to make that choice now would you be in agreement or are you philosophically different in your views? This area including weather you want children and a few of life's bigger questions are best discussed before marriage. You don't have to agree on everything but you should be aware of what you are getting into as marriage is for life...

OliveRuth

No...didn't have anything to do with you

~i love my boys~

no cuz it wasnt urs........& that was the past but do tell her if ever u guys have a baby & she gets prego with ur baby that she needs to tell u & let u know what she wants to do too......its not just her baby its both of urs..........but no u shouldnt be mad she didnt & wasnt with u what that happend thats the past & dont look back just look at what the future has for the both of u........good luck & god bless

physandchemteach

Two ways to look at this:

1) It happened years ago in her past. She may have learned from her mistake. She may have changed and become a different type of person since then.

2) She is self-centered and thinks only of what will be best for her. She didn't want you to know because you will then see through her disguise.

Either way, it was wrong of her to not tell you before you became engaged. This is something really important in her past that you have the right to know.

Got Curves?

I think she should've told you earlier. What else is she hiding?

pinkbubbles282004

Maybe she didn't know how to bring it up. And you know how it is when you get drunk. her past mistakes should only be that if she has learn from it. Because if this is a thing that she will do everytime that is just not right. a child shouldn't pay for her mistakes.

confused

Yes, you have a right to be pissed. It shows she has little charector. She probably has many more skeletons in the closet.

rainfingers

No, I don't think you should take offense. At least she told you. But you might want to ask her if there's anything else she hasn't told you.

April

Absolutely not. She did nothing against the law, nothing immoral, nothing even remotely illegal. In about any other country in the world, abortion is no big deal. It is only in this country that we have fundamentalist christians trying to force their opinions on everyone... No big deal, hon, none whatsoever....

inluvwithb

no, that was a very personal thing, not your business.

Poppet

Well, this is her past. You really didn't need to know, because it wasn't your child. But it would have been nice if she felt she could share such painful memories with you w/o being drunk.

She can't change what has happened, only learn from it. I hope that you accept her still, it would be a shame to loose a good relationship because of choices she made in her past that she can't change.

kitycat

of course not as long as that was before being with you

Hey Girl

No, It happen before you were around.

Smitten_Kitten

no. it's not about you. it's about her. it was her decision, and it's her decision who she tells about it.

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