Spouse and the Real World.?

Hi. For those of you familiar with the term "adult children", please continue reading. I have a husband who is 38 years old and was raised in a violent, abusive and neglectful home. Both parents were abusive and/or neglectful. After some personal therapy and a little couples, my husband realizes and well as I do that he never learned basic life skills growing up. His father abused him and died when he was 11. Mother was neglectful and abusive. Also had an alcoholic influence in his life. So, he is like an adult child in some ways. I am feeling a bit frustrated and overworked on my end. I stay at home, work P/T, do hour chores of course, cook, clean, parenting, etc. But I also do the budgeting and family vacation planning, also any changes that accounts need, I do. Any weekend event planning for the family; I do. I am more dominant over our lifestyle because I have no other choice. He works full-time, plays with the children as well as parents them, does light work around the home. I feel overloaded. My q is, is this how it is normally with a functioning, healthy adult marriage? I don't know any different because I haven't had any different. Pls help.

KristenK

I hate to tell you that even "normal" families are like this. Women multitask better than males and we are able to balance life's demands with the other demands within our lives. I think you need to carve out some time for yourself. Make it a priority to take 15 minutes or 20 minutes a day and give yourself some me time. It's not selfish and you are not neglecting your family. Everyone needs down time and I really want to encourage you to take a little time in every day for that.

Get your kids to start doing chores. Have a chore list or board and the kids are responsible for those chores for the week or month. The kids earn points, money or family trips. Assign your husband with some of the household duties. Have him make dinner one night (could be sandwiches, grilling, etc.)

Blessings

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When you find out, let me know please.

Mark

My wife and I are both well-adjusted, intelligent, emotionally responsive adults and our relationship makes me happy all the time. I would never cheat, lie, steal, or do anything to jepordize my relationship with her.

We communicate about who needs to achieve what goals. We talk about a fair and equitable division of responsibilities. I have my roles to play and she has her roles. Nothing is left unsaid and problems are solved because they're dealt with quickly and fairly. There are things she always does, like pay rent and make car payments. I always cook dinner, wash the bathroom, and do other things. It's like being on a championship team where everyone knows their roles and tries hard for the other person

A good marriage is happiness. I'm happy. Life is grand. Saying that, I believe every relationship, no matter how good or bad, will slant towards one person making more decisions and doing a little more then the other. It is impossible to be 50/50 split down the middle, from any point of view.

Heather R

It almost sounds like you're married to my husband :) (no alcohol or abuse, just neglected due to being the youngest of 7, overworked parents and being told by his Dad that he was no good at anything and would never succeed in life)
Mine has been unemployed for the last 2 years (lost his job just as the economy tanked and in our area there is a HUGE shortage of jobs).
I call him my "house-husband". I work full-time with a lot of overtime. Then I come home and do 99% of the cooking, all the bills etc...
We've been married now for 14 years (also have 2 children, 13 & 7) and he's in charge of the cleaning :)

It's a struggle. But I love him and have learned to let small things go. Working together to do the bills and such can give him a feeling of being involved. Plus teaching him now will be beneficial in case something (heaven forbid) should happen to you.

Iisfriendly

You two need to sit down and talk about this. See if you can make a list or something of chores he will take over. He needs to be the dominant role model as a man, to the children, not just "play with them", so you aren't always the "bad guy".
So he had a bad childhood. So did many, many, people, but there comes a time to grow up, and not use that for an excuse not to be an adult.
If your kids are old enough, give them some jobs to do. It teaches them responsibility.
Usually one person runs the accounts. Hopefully the best money manager, so that may have to continue to be you, but there's no reason your husband can't plan vacations, or do more when he's home, to be a parent.

townes

For me, the term "adult children" refers to my kids who are over 18, not to a spouse.

The division of chores sounds like that in a lot of unhappy marriages before perfectly normal people sit down and negotiate a change. You don't need to be perfectly emotionally healthy to handle the budget or plan family activities or to help more with the cleaning. A functioning, healthy adult marriage still has to adapt to those years with young children when there's basically more to do than two people can handle comfortably.

good grief girlfriend! yeah this is pretty much normal for us married ladies...the thing though that worries me is that one day of the week you have to have off and i mean just that!...even if it is for like 4 hrs...this is an easy task....send your husband with the kids to a kids movie plan the whole thing and send them on their way after the movie he can take them to the park then get something to eat and since he stops to get them all something to eat he can pick up a pizza or something so that you don't cook that night...i do this every week! this is the day that i do a facial, mani, pedi, and bubble bath...you need this time to yourself so that you can unwind and actually release any tension or stress(and believe me! you do carry it within you how can we not!) for lack of a better word our job defines as this....mommy,wife, personal assistant, accountant, baby sitter,activities director, chef, a maid, chauffeur,therapist...so think about it girl...do you need a day off to just splurge? yes and do it quick because if your anything like i was i kept thinking that i didn't need the time off and soon the load became unbearable and was crying all time....so make sure you pick a day of the week that would best suit your schedule...it can even be on a weekday instead of a weekend...though you may want to rethink the park thing by the time the movie is out it may be to late...but at least you will definitely get two hours off....in the evening....i choose sundays...its great i make us sunday breakfast then clean the house while everyone is getting ready....my husband takes our girls to the beach to play and they have a picnic then he may take them to the zoo or somewhere else its up to them...this also gives them time to have daddy daughters time...so it benefits everyone....good luck!

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