Step-mother needs advice?

she might just be afraid that you are wanting to take her mother's place. u need to speak with ur husband and let him know u want to talk to his kids and let them understand that you are there for them, whether they want you to be or not. i went through 1 stepmom and now im going through another, but i still have my real mom as well. i am also 17 1/2yrs. old too. but my stepmom was a ***** and acted like she precious daughter was all that matter. but you actually care. too bad mine wasnt like that, oh well. but when your husband tells his kids especially the 17 yr. old let them know that you both want to talk, not just you, because then they won't want to open up. but have a family talk like after dinner or after school, but not during dinner, because some people might not have an appetite if they have to talk about something that they dont want to. but dont get upset over anything they say, let them open up and listen to everything they must say. if no one starts talking then u start out the conversation by asking how they feel about you or u being there now for them to talk to. good luck, and be kind and listen don't act like their mother. step parents have to worst job, they have to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Mariposa Boricua

Sweetie, stay out of it. Let the dad do the work. She is a teenager already and it's gonna be difficult to get her trust. Focus on gaining her trust little by little, but don't push things.

Virginia B (John 16:33)

Asking her about how her essay went was not overstepping your boundaries as a stepmother. You appear to be more concerned about her bad behavior than her father is.

I would talk to your husband and have an open discussion to clarify what your role as stepmother to his children should be. When you come to an agreement, the children should be informed as to your role so there won't be any misunderstandings in the future.

countryalisha

just step down. your going to lose this battle everytime
i understand, there's a respect issue. she probably gets by with alot. jsut stay away tell your new husband how you feel, tell him you are concerned, and tell him your staying out. congrats on the new hubby and good luck!

TxsWitchWAB

Yep, bide your time, she'll be out of there in about a year. In the meantime, let her dad deal with her issues as long as she is respectful to you when it matters.

penchie

it is just a difficult age!go to the schools psicologyst and ask how to act!

cmdrbnd007

At that age they are all that way but your being a step-mom probably isn't beneficial to you. I would leave this one up to her dad and let him deal with her.

Grandma of 2

As long as he is willing to handle it....let him. You don't need to butt heads with a step-daughter because you aren't going to win. However, she better learn real quick that when she flunks out of school, you aren't paying for her to live either. If both you and your husband can't present a united front...you better leave it to him. I wouldn't even go to P-T conferences anymore. It's nice to want to help, but don't get dumped on every time you try.

â™¥ Elizabeth â™¥

Before talking to her, you should talk to him. Just let him know that you are trying to do what's best. But in the end it will be his choice because it's his daughter. What ever you decide, make sure that you are united and stick to it. Only stay out of it if that's what he wants. But it will only hurt her in the long run.
Good luck.

julie w

I would just leave it to him - she probably resents you and wants to give you a hard time - my partners daughter from his previous marriage went into my closet and smeared face cream all over my clothes - there was no reason for this, I`ve only ever been nice to her... dont forget all those hormones raging round all over the place at that age - I really would stay out of it and let him handle it.

wenwen

talk with your husband, you have every right to be concerned for her welfare.. you might not be her mother, but have taken on that resposibility. she needs to respect you. seems to me she needs a kick in the butt...

Garrr!

yeah im only a teenager but. i think that she was just mad because it was incinuated that she needed to do work when she didnt want to, so she tried to get you off her her case by saying what she thought would hurt/get to you the most.

Kara Joy

I am a senior and I have to take some junior classes, but not because I was lazy I just didn't have motivation. I wish that my parents were there to help me. You should help her because if you don't it may stick with her. Like if she has to repeat her senior year, she has to have motivation that a mother knows how to give.

Good luck!

dani

I too am a step mom my step daughter is only 8 but still gives me a little attitude. It's hard because we are suppose to be the mother figure yet they don't see us that way. One tip is to discuss this with your husband. He knows his daughter and it may be best for him to handle things with his daughter but he also may want your help, it's hard to be a single father. I would suggest helping out with the daughter when asked by either her or your husband. By pushing your love on her it will only draw her farther away. It's hard and I wish the kids would just understand that we are just trying to help them and love them. Good luck!!

Rein

I have a step daughter who is 16, she is mouthy and rude....I have found that no matter what I say..it is wrong and wronger. I just stay out of things, let her and her father deal with stuff....I am kind to her however....it has been made clear to me that she is not interested in what I say and will do the opposite. In fact last year I told her she was going to fail in math just to check this theory.....she got an A.

rima331

You were not wrong you were right to care! However, a step mother is a thankless job. You need to tell your husbnad what happened, and he needs to talk to her. She sounds like she has problems dealig with hte deathof her mother, thats why she is doing bad in school..and she may have a problem with you because she was not ready for her dad to get remarried and did not want him to replace her mom. Just have him talk to her, and say, i know you may not yet be comfortable with (you), but when I am not here, i expect you to listen to her because i put her in charge, so if i found out you did not listen you willhave ME to deal with. Also refrain from using the titles (step daughter/mother) with her because she sounds as if she is not ready for them. Good luck. :)

embrlvor

Being 17 myself and having a Step-Mother in my life, I think that you may want to start your relationship with her from another perspective, maybe as (even though I know your Married) only do things that a friend of her Dad would. Would a friend of her Dad ask her questions about her HW? No. Start it off like that. You have only been in her life for 7 Weeks, and as teenagers authority is the enemy for us. She may have been very close to her Dad before, and feels threatned by your presence. Although it would be in her best interest to do her work so she can pass, you must let her start to learn from her mistakes so that your advice will become all the more valuable in the long run.

kitkat

I would just stay out of it, she is nearly grown and will have to accept you on different grounds.

buzy_bee_21

she may feel she's grown she may feel that you are taking her moms place talk to dad ask if there may be ways to become her friend as well as a parent it'll take longer because she's the oldest and the family has grown find a way to be there for her if she needs someone she'll come around

to tell ya the truth...........

Name her Casey, and I'd think we had the same girl. You ARE overstepping
so let me let you out of it.
Let go of how she does in school,- read a story to the 11 year old
Let go of disciplining her-She either knows right from wrong or she doesn't ...no matter she doesn't want to learn it from you
Let go of her relationship with her daddy.
You scare the crap outta her.

This girl will be 18 in 6 mos.
Sr Year is the year that makes or breaks you.
here IS what worked.
I invented reasons to cruise the local college, while she was in the car with me.
We went to the campus library
we went to the cafeteria
and the student bank and then the book store,
we snuck into a class room and giggled. then I murmured... this is just like a little city...
Packed with cuties YOUR age !! then I laughed... we made our connection. and she started opening up to me as a woman.
We lived thru that 6 mos. She got her GED and went to that collage
She got her MRS degree and I got grand kids.
Find your common ground with Erin, Dad will relax and the knots in your stomach will go away.She doesn't need a mother today. She needs a friend. When she has a baby she will need a mother...and whom better than a friend like you?

Puzzler

Just 7 weeks married....how long did it take you to adjust to major 'stuff' in your life when you were 17 1/2? EVERYTHING should be left to the father (concerning his kids) until you can establish a solid friendship with these kids (and get a grip on the idea that it may never happen). But at some point they may be willing to work with you.
Or not. It's the nature of blended families.

collingbournekingston

I recommend that you agree with your husband how you will handle these situations with both lots of children. It's important that you agree to support one another in front of the children and discuss any disagreements on your own. If not, your life will become a battle ground and no one will be happy.

Demonstrating a united front from the outset will stop this kind of behaviour and make everyone's lives easier.

ndnqt1966

Let your husband handle his rude disrespectful daughter....Sounds like she needs to talk to someone....how did she handle her mother's death? You didn't do anything wrong...just trying to be helpful....but I really think there is something wrong with her....

Lost

Yes and no she need to understand that you are in her dads life now. Do this sit her down and tell her I do not want to get into ur business but I am your dads wife and I care for you that is why I ask you I am not her to replace your mother I am here to be ur friend someone you can talk to. Ask he if she wants you to be involved ask her what he problem is with you and how you guys can get along give her attention. And if all fails do what my father did to be he took everything away cell phone tv everything.

nofx

you did not raise her and you are not her mother.STAY out of her business.

Toni O

I think that all of you including his children and yours should seek some family therapy. You all have been touched by death, and this may be her way of lashing out at the world for taking her mom. Talking to a neutral party would be able to "Hear" all the issues and give you a suggestion for healing for all of you. Good Luck!

Loves the Ponies

My husband has a daughter who just turned 13. If I were you, since this child is 17 years old, I think I'd just leave things up to her dad. Should he approach you about helping in this school work area, then I'd talk to him about what he expects. Once you all have that ironed out, both of you sit down with the daughter and tell her what the new deal is going to be.

As far as other aspects of life in your household, I suggest that you and your husband sit down and figure out how things are going to be done and how tattle-telling is going to be handled. Then, both of you sit down with the children still living at home and spell it out for them. Don't forget to divulge the information about punishment for a child who runs to daddy because you took your rightful authoritative place in your own house.

Good luck.

Lovelife

I have a friend in a simular situation!!
You were not in the wrong but it is only the beginning, or it was for my friend. The best thing is to stay strong and not let them push you about.
This will put alot of strain on your relationship but so long you both commuicate.

My advice is to keep asking her how things are going at school. Eventually she will learn that your not an enermy that you just want to help and perhaps be a friend!!
Just remember this can take time.
Stay strong and i hope it all works!!
Good luck xx

brwneyedgrl

WOW absolutely not.. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE INVOLVED YOU ARE THE "MOTHER ROLE MODEL" IN THAT HOUSE.. u need to sit ur husband down quick and let him know a few things if u want this marriage to survive.. When he married you, SURELY one of the reasons he married you is because he felt u'd be a good mother role for his children , just like im sure you felt the same when u married him where ur kids are concerned.. And he cant PICK and CHOOSE when ur allowed to be mother role and when your not.. does he make her cook her own dinner or do u do it? Does he make her do her own grocery shopping? or do u do it? Does he depend on you for ANYTHING concerning his children???? if the answer is yes, THEN YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE INVOLVED 100% in their lives.. this is not a marriage of convience.. he cant pick and choose when ur apart of this family and when your not.. ur either in 100% or your out 100% but he cant have it both ways depending on what the mood of the house is..
He is your husband now, and he needs to stand by you as a united front just like he would of with his first wife.. if he doesnt like something ur doing then in front of the kids he needs to support u, but behind closed doors u need to discuss whats going on and come to a compromise.. the moment he contridicts you the moment the kids have learned they can divide and conquer you..
does he want u to love the kids? im sure he does, well if he does then he needs to let you be a part of their lives, good bad, indifferent.. a part of..
Its extremely hard for people with out any expirence with a blended family to see that the rules need to be equal acrossed the board with the whole family, the children have to be treated equally , you and him have to be a united front , you have to put each other first EXCEPT in emergent situations then of course the kids should come first but on daily trivial things, u need to back each other up.. the 17 yr old is hurting inside no doubt, she's lost her mom, dads married a new wife.. and now she feels like she's losing her dad as well.. this is typical.. she needs plenty of reasurance from not only dad but from you as well but she has to be made to understand that there are going to be rules, that she needs to be respectful and that her actions are not going to be tolerated.. and HE needs to be the one to do it.. and if he cant show u enough respect then the kids never will.. and right now by shutting u out.. he's saying, its me and my kids and you and your kids, we are roomates that sleep together, and thats NOT a marriage.. your either ALL in it together or u need to go your seperate ways because it will only get worse it wont get better if you dont get things nipped in the bud fast..
Your husband is enabling her to act out because of the loss of her mother, and its time to start making her move on with her life and not let her dwell in the past .. its one thing to mourn its another to stop living , and stop forward progression, and its showing in her additude and in her grades that she is upset , she's wanting to shut down and give up and he's enabling her to do so.. (she is still a child, and she's acting like most children would after the loss of a parent.. but he can either lose his child as well , or he can make her stand on her two feet as her mother would want her to and make a life for herself and be happy.. but as long as he's enabling her to be sad, depressed and distraught, she will continue this downward spiral of self destruction) She actually needs u more then u think.. she just doesnt realize it yet.. because she's still hurting so much inside.... so be very blunt and adament with ur husband, once u get that in place, then u take as much grief as the daughter gives and u fight with all u have, because several years from now, things will change in your favor, when she matures, and gets on with her life and starts realizing that no matter how hard she pushed to keep u out of her heart, the more you pushed to be in her heart, and u never left her, and ur still there, and u will be who she needed, but u have to be strong enough and patient enough to make that happen, and u need ur husbands support to make it happen..

Good luck

Colleen O

Her homework is HER responsiblity. If she fails again so be it. Even her father should butt out. She will be the one to face the consequences of her actions. Employers don't hire those without at least a highschool diploma or GED...unless it is to clean toilets at a fast food restaurant. If she drives her car insurance will be higher, I advise you to put that into HER hands, make her responsible for getting her own car insurance. IF you were planning on getting her a car upon graduation save your money and you and her father go on a nice vacation with the money. It is up to HER to do her homework.

Kate T.

yes maybe it is time to just step back and let daddy handle it . If she fails again then make an agreement with daddy that you are going to handle it from then on . i think this girl has an attitude problem and your husband should have backed you up . blended families are very hard to begin with . good luck .

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