Suppressing the feeling of missing my children?

I would really appreciate anyone's feedback on this subject - I have just separated from the mother of my children (there is no way back, she is with someone else now which is also hard). We have 2 very young children who now live with their mother. One is only 1 years old (the other 4 years old). The big problem however is my children now live 200 miles away and due to my career/finances - I don't see them often (twice a month). I miss the children so much (as cruel as it sounds, the baby more because I can speak to my other child on the phone). I can barely cope, cry every morning and have neglected all other aspects of my life. I have a lot of support and everyone is telling me that once I start balancing work, rest and play - eat healthy, exercise etc - then it will help. I believe this but I also believe that no matter what I do, I can't see myself ever not waking up and crying for the children I just can't bear to live without. I used to be one of the happiest of people and cherished every moment of every waking day because my family was the essence of my life - it's what made me. I'm am lost, I have panic attacks when I realise I will never live with my children (and can’t see them that day – used to find it hard enough spending a day at work without them, even though I did see them each night!). My daughters adrore me and they are my life, but without them around I feel I can't go on - like I have nothing to live for (I'm in so much pain, it's like torture).

My question is as follows: is there anyway you can suppress the feeling of missing your children? People on the internet have plenty of advice for suppressing feelings towards an ex but children? - That’s a tough one, especially when there is such a distance involved. I know that strictly speaking you cannot and should not suppress these feelings but the constant (every waking minute) thinking and longing for my children is truly destroying my life. Any advice related to this question or my situation in general, please?
Additional Details
More info - ex girlfriend & my kids moved with me from our hometown after I lost my job. My new job is a huge high profile career jump. We all benefited from this job (my kids still do) which took 14 years to get to this level. It’s a rare job too (why we had to move). After 2 months my ex left and took the kids to the next country! (we are in the UK) before coming back into this country to our hometown. If I move back, nothing is stopping her moving anywhere in the UK (she even said that). Would throw away a career and halve my income (she left me in debt too).

You all gave me a lot to think about. I can see my kids more – but I also need to build a life where I now live so that I can move on & hopefully find a better partner (plus have a family again one day). Sounds like you’re all helping when saying I need to decide what I want. Just worried if I spend my life following them round the UK, I will end up lonely when my kids are older without a life and a wife of my own. Thanks all.

David H

Your kids are your 'flesh and blood' thats why you feel so deeply about them - no one will ever be able to take that away from you. But in the mean time your 'whole world' has caved in on you by your partners actions - and theres nothing 'anybody' can suggest or do to help you at all. The pain you have and are feeling will maybe never go away - and 1000's of other men in your postion suffer the same way as you 'every day' - your not alone - although to 'you' it seems that way.

The 'brutal truth is' - you have to get yourself back on 'track' with regard to your life or you will make yourself 'very ill' - you should see your doctor and see if he can give you anything to help you with all this upset your having. Seek out 'other men' in your situation and when hearing their stories you will be able to relate to them and it will help you over your crisis in the long run.

In the short term nobody can help you - you have to 'handel' this on your own as best you can - and make a'new life' for yourself or you'll go under. I know your not in the mood to meet new people in the state your in - but you must try and 'force yourself' - all this 'self pity' which is quite normal in your situation has to stop - and you have to face the world head on. The future with your kids will one day sort its self out but in the mean time make the best of what you've got with them.

All estranged fathers wost 'fear' is that his kids will forget him - they won't - the new man in your partners life can never be their father - they've already got one - 'you' - and the kids know that. You some how just have to 'suppress' all these feelings with regard to 'everything' and get on with your life - don't shut new people out - you need a whole new 'circle of friends' and you 'will one day 'meet somone new to share your life with - your life will change for the better - 'you have to belive that' - it can't get any worse then you are feeling now.

Happy-2

I think suppressing your longing for your children is the exact opposite of what you should do. What you should be doing is fighting for your children. You live 200 miles away? So, MOVE. Move close to them. And then go to court and fight for them. You're taking this lying down - no wonder you cry every day! As long as your children's welfare lies outside your control, of course you're going to feel upset. You need to get back into the ring and fight for what's right. It actually makes me angry that what you're essentially asking here is how you can give up.

xtx

move. you love them, they love you, just move. take a job where they are and just make the sacrifice. think about they would feel growing up with their dad nearby. that is priceless. this is the only way.
it was harsh of your wife to move far away but sometimes you've just got to do wat is best for your children.
they must miss you a lot also.

tanika971

There's not easy answer to your question, obviously you going to miss them, but 200 miles these days is not that far, so why is it you can only see them twice a month, why not at weekends? if it was me i would move heaven and earth to see them as much as i could, if your ex is making it difficult for you to see them more them seek legal advice as your entitled to see them as much as she is, as they are BOTH your kids. I would work day and night to get the money to see them more often. do you smoke drink? if so give that up and you will have more money to see them.

Msdeb gee

THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO FIX THIS IF IT WERE ME I WOULD FIND ME A JOB WERE THEY ARE AND TAKE HER TO COURT FOR 50 .50 @ LESS THE CAREE OR MONEY WILL NEVER REPACE TIME WITH YOUR KIDS U HAVE DECIDE WHATS THE IMPORTANT THINGS TO U AS FOR ME IT WOULD BE MY KIDS I WOULD WORK AT WALMART IF I HAD TO TO B AROUND MY KIDS GOOD LUCK ITS A HARD THING !~

brwneyedgrl

I think u know what you need to do.. i think deep down inside u know that you need to be close by to your kids and the 200 miles isnt working.. finances are important no doubt about it..but at what price? Your need to be closer to your children.. your oldest will be starting school soon and there will be things that u want to be a part of, school functions, award ceremonies, school plays, etc.. How about making a plan.. and focusing on that plan.. the plan on how to find a job thats just as worthy of having or atleast close as worthy of having that will put u back closer with your kids.. even if its not obtainable right at this moment if you make a plan of action and strive to make it happen.. you'll know theres a light at the end of the tunnel to be with them more often.. although u have to realize, that even being closer doesnt guarantee that you will spend "alot" more time with them, your always going to feel the seperation.. because you love your children.. but if your closer, if your x is a good mother that promotes you in the childrens life and doesnt mind you seeing your children even to take them out to dinner a couple times a week or take them to the park for a couple hours.. then it will help with your seperation anxieties, and its better for the children to have u in their lives as much as possible. In time although the pain doesnt ever totally go away, it will subside it takes time..but if u can make yourself more available to them by living closer it will beat out the living to far and barely seeing them.. think about it.. when ur child starts school maybe sometimes u can go to your childs school during their lunch period and sit in the cafeteria and have lunch with her.. (special memories that seem trivial but will mean alot down the road) or maybe there will be a field trip that u can take a day off from work and be a chaperon.. these are things that she'll remember her whole life.. it doesnt have to be alot of time, or expensive things , its the quality of your time with ur children that makes memories.. call ur daughter every night before she goes to bed.. take a good picture of you and your children and put it in a frame for them to put in their bedroom.. You cant change time, u cant go back and make things different in the past.. all u can do is change the future.. and make things as easy for you and your children as possible, and it sounds like the 3 of you need each other as much as possible for all 3 of your sakes.. but it starts with you making a plan, what will u need to move closer to them? new job? money to move? etc.. start making a "goal" list.. and make it happen.. dont give up.. good luck..

Crickets_Mom

Never entertain the idea of suppressing your feelings about your children. When you do, your heart will begin to get hard and you may find yourself seeing them less and less; other things may begin to take priority. Your children are forever tied to you by blood and by love and you can bet they're missing daddy.

You call her "the mother of your children" but not your wife. I interpret that as meaning she was your live-in girlfriend/partner. Have you considered filing for custody of the children? They are yours as much as hers. You are in the grief stages at this point and are hurting so deeply but, give it some time, and you will regain your balance again. In the meantime, try not to make any mistakes and be sure to consult an attorney to help you work through this mess.

skuleathome

Your question made me cry....so many dads in this situation; some through no fault of their own, others because they made poor choices/mistakes. It is so sad to know that you will never live with your children again; I don't have much advice though, sorry. It's the one thing which I can never understand; why men pick up with other women when this is the end result - completely mystifying to me. I can understand when there is violence etc. but so often you hear a pathetic 'I just don't feel the same about you any more'.... and lo and behold another man gets to live a life without his own family :-(

The only thing I can suggest is that you try and keep yourself busy and make sure you see the children as often as possible. Any way you could move nearer to them? The pain will fade as time goes by (it always does) but in the meantime my heart goes out to you.

xxx

Esteban

I searched for the same answer, I am glad someone sent me to this source because it took away all of my panic issues.

ricksterl2003

My partner went through the exact same thing before I met him. He moved his family out of the UK for a better life and when his marriage broke down his now ex wife moved back to the UK taking his daughter with her. He told me that he used to just sit in his daughters old room and cry. Gradually he got stronger though and eventually moved back to the UK and built a life with me and would see his daughter at the school holidays, bank holidays and sometimes just for the weekend. Recently his wife moved back out of the UK taking their daughter 2000 miles from us. We took her to court but unfortunately they decided to let her go. My partner could have crumbled and said that he would have had I not been there to support him but I know that he misses her every day and there will always be that little bit of saddness in his eyes that he cannot see her often. I'm telling you this story to prove that it is possible to get over something like this. No you should not supress your feelings, give yourself time to finish grieving but also remind yourself that you have two children to be strong for. Eventually you will want to live for yourself and not just them and thats when you will put your life back together. It sounds cliche but time is the biggest healer. Goodluck.

Crush

It always amazes me that when men/women leave the family home for another partner they never put the interests of their children first. The only one they consider is themselves. Your children will suffer if you are not around on a regular basis and why should you put up with that, after all it was she that left you. You really had no choice in the matter and feel helpless at the situation you have now found yourself in.
It may be time to consider a change in your life, move jobs (I know this is scary and very hard) and move closer to your family. This way you can have regular quality time with your children. You don't say how long your partner has been in her current relationship so you never know with a bit of luck she will realise it is not all that she expected and end up on her own, sweet justice I know. At least then she may come to realise some of the heartache you are now facing.
Show her that you are strong and be determined to be closer to your children only this way will you find peace and be able to contine through your life without regret
Good luck and stay strong.

Mr. Wybie~ Happy 4th Bday baby

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy divorce me too almost

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