To all the men out there, tell me why my husband is doing this to me.?

I am good looking, funny, I love hiking, canoeing, and outdoor activates. I love to be happy, and I cannot stand naggers or whingers. I like to have a joke around and easy going is my motto. I would put up with just about anything, toilet seats are designed to be up OR down, so who cares, life is meant to be peaceful and happy, don't sweat the small stuff. I am the type of person who will go out of my way to make sure my husband never has to take the blame for anything, if he screws up, I will move heaven and earth to make him feel better and try to make light of it. if my husband leaves a hike pole at the top of the mountain, I have, and would go back just so he does not have to. But by the same token, if he pushes me too far, I will let him know he is going too far, I am not a push over.

But here is the problem, my husband is a whinger, he whinges about EVERYTHING, he abuses me about EVERYTHING. ANYTHING that goes wrong is automatically my fault, and I must be blamed for it, I must be crucified for it, with excessive amounts of screaming, name calling, derogatory comments about my mental ability etc. EVERYTHING must become a major issue, and I must be thoroughly crucified for it. If I do not do as he thinks, If I do not read his mind properly, I am to be subjected to a thorough screaming session.

If I become ill, I am at fault, if he looses anything, I am at fault. If he forgets anything, I am at fault. I am never allowed to suggest what we do in our spare time, or I am accused of ruining his life. I have given up my dreams of the lifestyle I have always dreamed of (which, by the way is a much more economical lifestyle than his, just so that he could live his life style. I don't mind doing this, and I would never say this to his face, but I always thought that considering that our married life together, if we don't divorce or die early, will be about 60 years; so I always dreamed that we would live his type of lifestyle for about 50 years, but then we would find a way to live a lifestyle that is mostly his, but a little my way for about 10 years or so. But he has informed me that he will NEVER live anything close to my lifestyle and I get abused if I even talk about it.

So guys, what am I doing wrong. We have children, and I would never take his children away from him. And I do not want to hurt him in any way. Please tell me what am I doing wrong, and how can I fix this without hurting this wonderful man I have been with for 13 years
Additional Details
I just wanted to add that I try mainly to be quiet as I adore peace and want to be happy, but every now and then, When I am hurting so much that I can do nothing but sit in the bottom of the shower sobbing so hard my chest hurts; I do decide to be firm, tell him that it is unacceptable and unkind. The usual result is me walking away from a even more brutal verbal bashing than every, feeling even more bruised than before, whishing to do anything to stop the hurt.

jude

he doesn't like himself so unless u can like yourself u can't like or be good to anyone else.

Paul&Fran

come on now the reason he does this to you is you let him. Your statement that you would never take his kids away from him and never hurt him explains it all. Why do you care about his feelings when he could care less about yours? Stand up for yourself and be strong it will make a world of difference in your marriage.

Johanna

the very simple answer would be BECAUSE YOU LET HIM DO IT!!!!
even if you have kids you need to stand up and be counted as a valid human being NO ONE is better than anyone else.
If you have a daughter imagine her in the same situation as you....what would you tell her to do?? right then follow your own advice

Vain one

Sounds like your husband has some issues about himself he is projecting on you. He had to create his own love as a child and has learned to give himself praise and consider himself perfect. Dont fool yourself into thinking he will change, sorry...

mindy

Ok, so he yells at you. He belittles you. He calls you names. He has beat you down. When will he start hitting you because the other stuff isn't working? Do you get the message??? He isn't wonderful, and you are enabling him. Next time he starts this crap, call the cops. Did you know it is domestic violence when a spouse does these things to you? And you are letting him!!! If you want this to stop, Call the cops! I have been there, done that!!! If you want to sink it in to him that this behavior is intolerable, call the cops, and then we will see how much he is willing to work to WIN YOU BACK. Quit being a door mat. If you are sitting there thinking "I can't do that to him because I love him too much," ----Consider this---is he thinking that same thing when he is abusing you??? HE should be.

go2seek

I've been married for almost 30 years and have never shouted at my wife. Of course, she has never shouted at me. You obviously have an interesting problem, and you have reported his faults without reporting yours. Do you shout at him? If he is 'crucifying you', are you doing the same to him? Don't answer that here.

Rule #1 Decide for yourself privately your own feelings in your personal relationship with your husband. Likely, you do need some outside help but Yahoo or your neighbor are not marriage councilors and those are useful in these sort of things; the internet and those likely to gossip are not. Take some care who you share your problems with, it might be seen as a betrayal of private confidences, which is very damaging to the healing process.

Rule#2 Before accusing your spouse of being insensitive, ungrateful, or any other fault, consider yourself in his eyes. Are you nice, kind, thoughtful and responsible? Would you want to be married to you?

Rule#3 Do you retaliate for perceived wrongs by evoking his? This would only escalate into a unhealthy competition of dog piling blame with each other and does not solve any problems. You both loved one another before, it should be possible to reactivate that mutual respect and desire for each other.

It might be that you do need to close this relationship down. If you two are determined to not make it work, it won't. You have to realize that you both deserve to be happy. If you can not achieve that together then you must pursue it alone, but such a step should not be evoked upon a whim. A marriage councilor might be a good resource to help you both, and is recommended here.

New material to reflect your new information:

It sounds as if things are WAY out of control. If he is volatile or has any violent tendencies, take the children with you and seek help, today. He might be wonderful in some ways but he sounds dreadfully controlling and thoughtless if he has brought you down this low, and undeserving of your loyalty if he continually brow beats you and makes you feel guilty for things you have no control over. Remember, marriage is supposed to be a co-equal partnership. That means you should both have the same expectations of a fulfilling life. It is not a contract to be a door mat.
Again, I suggest you seek professional help, do not procrastinate.
Remember rule #1, be careful about how you share this. Try not to drag family and friends into a domestic situation as you really do need professional help, not an umpire or meddling cheerleaders.

Robby R

you allow him to put you down and call you names because you let him. Sorry but this man is a ***** ,do you want your children to grow up thinking that's the way marriages are.
You have allowed him to beat down your self esteem,so now is the time to get it back!
Here is the deal,your husband knows he is a insecure little girl,he knows that he is a zero and a loser and the only way he can feel better is to put you down.
get counseling and work on your self esteem back,WHEN YOU CAN LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF,YOU WONT BEG OTHERS TO LOVE YOU!!

GOD BLESS YOU

Bill P

Man!! You and I are in the exact same boat!!. My wife gets mad if I wake her up and tell her I am going somewhere, but at the same time, she will get mad because I dont tell her where I am going. Coffee not on?? My fault. Coffee made early?? My fault. Maybe we should compare notes?? I ahve tried passing it off, but it really is getting too much to bear. Good Luck

hi dear i am in this kind of marriage and i was in the exact situation when i got married 12 years ago. and i too feel the same very things i was cheerful and happy and friendly and enjoying life and my only motto was to make this world beautiful for all arround us and be nice and helpfull and happy to all...........but with pessimistic and worst still i get the blame for all that goes on in his life.............my life is ruined and my kid shows the stress of our strained relationship but how much ever i try he does not change wish i had an answer but all i can share is your pain and understand your trauma.........hope we find some sensible answers here

mucky muck

Your husband is not so wonderful and you shouldn't bow to him. You should stand up to him for your children's sake. If you didn't have kids I'd say get a divorce at the worst. Try counseling. Doing things with your kids and yourself to make you happy. You shouldn't live an unhappy life. I don't like seeing women being soft. You're just as strong as him.

Bfree

Midlife crisis, I have no idea because you sound great, he doesn't know how lucky he is.
Maybe he is insecure. Try not to look to yourself for the fault maybe it is an issue he has and he takes it out on you.

AnnetteB

I understand your problem completely I have been married for
20 years have the same issue you and more, but nothing started to
change until I said to my self I don't like this, so I have to be the one to change it. If I want to be happy.
I too have a self esteem problem, but you have to grow a back bone,
tell him how you feel not just for you but your kids. You are not his or
anyone's doormat.
I know it's might be hard because you are a very giving person, but
he needs to give too, you both need to work at the relationship
to make it work, the more work you put in to it the more you get out of it and the better it will be. If he truly loves you, he won't have a problem.
Here is what I say when I get told I didn't do something right according to him, I tell him," If you can do a better job then by all means do it your self".
The more you stand up for your self the stronger you will be, respect flows both ways. Think about it! lots of luck!!!

An Officer & A Gentleman

In reading your story and every bit of it, I have come to conclude that it isn't your fault but your husband's who sounds to be a very selfish person. You on the other hand has done everything right except for the fact that it isn't "right" through your husband's eyes. No matter what you do, suggest, or say, your feed-back and inputs doesn't seem to be of any significant. But when it comes to his, oh yeah, it is of some importance and therefore, you should just abide and follow through with it regardless if you agree to it or not.

You not having a say in anything isn't the issue here, but the stubbornness and selfishness of your husband in all aspect of your marriage is the bigger issue at hand. And as an added bonus, him being a complete "whiner" will not make anything any easier either.
Whiners by nature are just plain hard to please. No matter what you do, it's always a lose-lose situation with them.

To see you have so much respect and love for your husband is a very good trait despite of his, in my opinion, flaws as a man, father, and husband. You are truly a "self-less" person who will sacrifice and do anything to please your husband. Your husband, if he should ever come to pounder upon the meaning of the word "self-less" and take it to heart, he will eventually realize that not everything in this world evolves around him. He needs to acknowledge that you do have feelings too and treat you as such. That you do and should have say in ideas and everything that involves you both as a couple. Selfish people in a relationship only know the word "I" and not "we." If he doesn't acknowledge this, then he will never be able to change. We as human can't change what we don't acknowledge.

There is one thing that bothered me a little. Toward the very last part of your sentence (after all the complaints) you go on to say that "how can I fix this without hurting this "wonderful" man I have been with for 13 years," as though you didn't mind too much because this whiner husband of yours may be a whiner, but still a very wonderful person and if you have put up with it for the last 13 years, what's another 13 more years? You need to make up your mind what you want. Him to change his old habits (maybe because he's been allowed to carry on with it for so long) or to acknowledge that he does have a problem and change it. Give him an alternatum, and if not, let him be. That would be my suggestion.

There's no doubt in my mind that he is a wonderful husband and a father to you and your children, but if you just continue to give in like you have, then it will eventually become harder and harder for old habits to be broken. Please, if it matters to you that much, do seek professional help from a licensed marriage counselor. If it means a lot to him too, he should agree to go as well. You seem to be a very vocal, intelligent, and wonderful person who only wants to please her husband, but have to realize that there comes a point when all that has to stop. Try to work on it now while it's still not too late and not some years down the road when you have had enough and realize that you are already in your 60's.

Sorry if I couldn't be of more help.

Good luck and cheers!

cassmac

You say you are not a push over well how wrong can you be tell him to grow up or get out. Take the children out of the argument as you are only making them live in a house of hell if things are as bad as you say

PEGGY S

You are in a verbally abusive relationship. You are allowing him to do this to you, and believe me you are not doing your children any favors. They will grow up to believe that this is normal, and take characteristics of either the abuser or the victim. You need to tell him that if he does not get some help, you are going to leave him. He will try to put you down, but it can be done. If you are in a situation where you will need help, call the domestic abuse shelter in your community. You can get that number from the local sheriff or police department or in your local telephone directory.

The following are two sites that will clarify what I mean by calling him controlling and abusive:

http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse#Signs_of_Verbal_Abuse

zero tolerance

my opinion - he truly, sincerely, deeply doesn't like u. u annoy the hell out of him. what should u do - well, u don't want to leave him so start yelling at him in return. quit rubbing your suffering in his face. it annoys him too.

Rajkc

sorry I m bachler and i cant guide you..

the only thing u can do is pray to GOD for him, else there is no other way..

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