To cheat or not to cheat?

This is more of a philosophical question. Is it better to keep your family together and seek happiness outside your marriage or leave the marriage at the risk of your children not growing up in a decent home/environment.

I'm separated from my wife and I feel bad that not only does my 2 year old have to split time between two houses, but my 6 year old step daughter does not have a father any longer.

I have two older children from a previous relationship. I left their mother because she was lazy and unambitious. She was an honors student and was too lazy to take her finals and finish high school. Later she was too lazy to get a job so she was on public assistance. Eventually, I left her went to college bought a house and moved on to bigger and better things.

Now we have a 13 and 9 year old and they live a bad neighborhood. Their mother has never amounted to anything. And I'm totally embarrassed by the living conditions of my older children. Their mother has a newborn and there are 4 people living in a 1 bedroom apartment that is no more than 300 - 400 sq ft. In the back of my mind I wonder how they would be living if I had just stayed...took care of that lazy woman and sought happiness outside of the relationship. I wonder how their mother would have turned out. I was an abused child that ran away at 14 and bounced from home to home til I graduated high school. She came from a good family and hand plenty of support. I wonder if I had stayed and been a role model instead of fearing she was going to hold me back...if she would have done better with her life and therefore my kids' enviroment.

I spoke to an uncle about the issue and he told me that he had the same issue with his wife. He bought a house and got back together with his wife and discreetly cheated on her for the past 30 years, and she has cheated on him. He says that it was worth it because all three of his children have graduate degrees and are doing very well.

Now I'm faced with a similar delima with my current wife. While I don't have to worry about my baby growing up in a bad neighborhood, I do wonder if it would be better for me to stay with my wife and seek happiness outside the relationship. Right now my son bounces from both our houses. Here he is well mannered and listens well. There he is a spoiled brat. I only wonder if me and my wife were back together would he be a more well behaved child at all times? I also worry about my step daughter who wants a dad so bad & hurts because her baby brother gets to go with his dad 50% of the time.

Now I know I can't control my wife, but I can control myself...I can only assume that if I return to my wife that I will not be any more happier than I was when I left, but I can allow myself to tolerate being unhappy. Is it better to return to my wife and seek happiness outside the relationship for the betterment of all that are involved?
Additional Details
By the way...counselling of course would be the best option; however does the cliche "She went kicking and screaming" paint a clear picture?

If counseling worked I never would have left in the first place.

brittany

If you were to get back together with your wife, and live unhappily and therefore unhealthy, your kids would sooner or later pick up on that unhappiness and that is not pretty to see at all. I know from my own family. My own parents are miserable together and I would honestly rather see them separated and and be happier than see them together and torn. Perhaps your kids won't understand now the reason that you need to leave your wife, but they will eventually. You cannot live in the same house with your kids and let them grow up and see how distorted their parents' relationship is. You don't want them to grow up thinking that it's okay to be unhappy- because it's not.

You won't solve anything by getting back together with your wife and cheating to feed your own needs. There are far too many consequences if you were to be caught. If you want your children to have a great life and a great father, stay separated and move on. You can still be a great dad and you can still find love in your life.

WeeWee55

Tough question, but I think I'd leave the marriage with the risk of your children not growing up in a decent home / environment. The reason I say this is because you would be able to bring the children to your home / environment, hopefully on a semi-regular or regular basis. You'd be able to somewhat monitor or ascertain what is happening, see what is deficient & try to focus on those gaps, if you know what I mean. When they are old enough they may want to choose to leave & live with you. You need to be happy, healthy, supportive, enjoy life in order to help them grow to be the same. They need to know how to strive to achieve whatever in life, just like you have. Be a role model, don't be a cheat.

Desiree R

Don't cheat, it sounds like you have enough baby mamas as it is... Don't go back to your old wife. If you were unhappy with her the first time around it will probably be the same thing this time. You'll only hurt her more. Why don't you ask if you're sons stepsister can come too if you don't mind watching both of them. If the mother knows how much it hurts her I doubt she would mind.

Relationships can't work because it makes it easier on other people, it has to feel right in between the two people.

Good Luck!

CelticDragon

NEVER stay together for the sake of the children, as one who has dealt with these things, it is actually more detrimental to the children knowing you're unhappy and staying together to maintain a family image.

My Mother has 4 children, 2 who share a father that she divorced, she then remarried and divorced again, those two children are fairly well adjusted and did well in school and went on to productive adult lives. The other 2 children are the product of her third marriage, they stayed together for the children and both of those children have real issues. Neither has done well in school, are easily distracted and have terrible opinions of marriage and life in general! They finally divorced, the youngest is still in school and is actually doing better since the divorce! Both of them will tell you that life got much better after the divorce and that their parents even get along better since the divorce.

Do whatever you feel is best, but, in my opinion, that shouldn't be cheating or staying together for the sake of the children. Get on with your life!

CebuCustomComputers

You can control the purse strings and raise the children.
I had a similar situation and this is what I had to do;
My daughter graduated at the top of her class, mid-term in her senior high school year and is now a lifer in the USAF as an MP.
She is now 29 years old, married to another MP (lifer), they own a home and they have a fine, intelligent 6 year old son.
Her mother was an alcoholic who cheated all the time and ended up getting killed in a drunken 4-wheeler wreck along with her lover/drinking buddy two years after my daughter left for the military.
I know for a fact that things would be horrible for my daughter if I hadn't stayed and guided her for the first 17-1/2 years of her life.

Oh and by the way, I didn't cheat, I just left the day after I dropped my daughter at the recruiter's station and saw her off.
I immediately divorced the mother, split everything 50/50 and I never looked back (except for now).

musicafan24

it's never okay to cheat.

smaycheldray

cheating is wrong but i can see how it happens, but it would be better to break it of with the person first

anwer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhYg.rD0fVFWNMMEnl8WZVDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090412215423AAwb30j

shy2008

Ok...lets address the first marriage...first. I don't think that staying with her would have made a world of difference. She would have had a better place to live, and your kids would have seen the dysfunction in your relationship whether you tried to play nice or not. She is who she is, and seeing what she was wasting on a daily basis would have made you a very angry person. I don't think you could have remained nice living with someone that "lazy". Maybe you're expectations of her was something she couldn't or wouldn't live up to. Not "knowing" you puts us all at a disadvantage. How were you with your first wife? Were you the type that was always on her back to conform to something you believed she should be? Maybe you were too young to realize how to "handle" the lack of ambition. I'm sure she didn't just decide to become a total waste of human flesh, something happened along the way from being an honor student to a lazy woman. Does she suffer from depression? As far as your older kids go, you may not approve of their living conditions, but are they happy? Do they do well in school? Do they seem like normal adjusted children? If the answer to those questions is no.....then why didn't you seek custody to "better" their lives...or did you? I don't think that staying with her way back then would have made much difference in her outcome. She is who she is.

Ok...now your current relationship. If you're happier being apart, don't change a thing. Your son will eventually adjust. He is good when he's with you, and a spoiled brat when with mom? I hate to say it...but he's normal. It's normal for especially a boy to be like that with mom.
I have a grandson that's a freakin angel with his dad, and a little brat with us..especially with his mom. Women seem to cave easily in the guilt department, so they seem to give in more than a dad would, and kids seem to know that. Anyway...if he's a little brat with mom, just try talking to him and see if it helps. For the most part, this is her issue that she needs to curtail, and hopefully she'll figure it out. As far as going back to a woman you're not happy with, your right, things would probably be the same as when you left. The only difference would be you would be unhappy. As much as you think you could tolerate being unhappy...everyone around you, including your son would notice a change in dad. I wouldn't suggest it. If you decide to get comfort from someone other than your wife, chances are she'll know. We women know these things sorry to say. If you decide to go back and try to save the relationship, more power to you. If you go back to appease everyone else and cheat on the side, I wouldn't advise it. So to answer your last question...no, in my opinion it wouldn't bring anyone lasting happiness. Again, this is only my opinion, you do what you feel will work for your situation. Good luck, it sounds like you might need it. Hope this helps...

Kathryn L

it is never ok to cheat... if you are that unhappy/unsatisfied, leave

TRIXIE

do what ya need to do.

ME.

you mustn't cheat. i would advise you to go back to your wife and maybe try some marriage counseling. it would be harder on your kids if you went back to your wife and got caught cheating. also, going back to your wife with the plan of cheating is very unfair to her because she probably thinks you love her. and if you do love her why would you cheat?

sc17carter

Be honest with yourself. Would you want to believe you were the only man your wife loved and had in her life and then find out she cheated on you. NO !!!
Either get marriage help or leave. I loved my ex very much but he screwed around with the lady down the street and I left him. Final. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage if your not willing to give it 110 percent. Good luck. Marriage is hard...I know :[

Shan

Cheating is wrong, and although it may have worked for your uncle (1 in a million) it dont always work. and it dont solve the problem at hand. I suggest counceling. for your wife, you, or as a family. people can change I've seen it happen all the time. they just need direction and sometimes a "reason" to change. last of all I'd like to say, it's always the kids that suffer when mom and dad dont get along.....

trca

I agree with Lisa... if the are living in such horrible conditions then take her to court for custody!

And yeah that would really teach your children well... Stay with their mother living a lie and cheat on her so long as your kids finish school and do something with their lives. I don't know I would think it would be more important to teach your children how to respect others and to not b a coward.

I hope this question isn't serious because it is retarded!

Diamond Girl

Don't cheat, there are no loopholes.

Farrah

you're a weak man if you have to cheat

elysia & austin's mommy

Blah Blah Blah no cheating, the way I look at it is if the situation could save your marriage and make you both happier then cheating is the answer

Angel's Wings

I honestly didn't read all of that, but you seem concerned about what is best for your kids...

It is always best for the children for their parents to be together in a loving home...ofcourse everyone has issues, but it does so much for your children to see you two work on things.

Do whatever you need to do to make your marriage work, not justify cheating. Go to counseling, go on a diet, whatever.

Best wishes

â™¡â¤â™¥â„“Ä°vâ‚¬ Ä°n ÅÃ¸Û·â„“â™¥áƒ¦â™¥â™¡â¤

lol dont please i mean u can but just think of infedility or commiting adultery and put ur place in the others shoes lol

â™¥SEVENâ™¥

Cheating, my dear, is the cowards way of dealing with life. Cheaters dwell in hell sooner or later. Do not do it. Be all you can be for your kids. Love them the same as if you were in the same home.

court court

dont marry somone until you know there the one. when your REALLY in love you WONT cheat. of course there is hardtimes but if the couple is not stong enough to keep a healthy relationship then its simply not ment to be

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