Tonite was me and my fiancees first time going to couples counseling and..?

johnnysunshine11

Counseling with a fiance is as ridiculous as using a condom after a woman is pregnant. If you can't work your problems out before marriage by yourselves the marriage will most likely burn out within a year. Some counselors are good but most have one motive in mind for themselves and it's not always about helping those spending $100 per hour in their office. Save your money to court a different woman.

Myth_Understood

This is some advice that will serve you well through the course of your marriage: Learn conflict resolution early, or suffer the consequences.

It takes TWO to have an argument, but only ONE to end it.

Additionally, in a marriage, it is best if you can learn to choose your battles wisely. You will find that most conflicts fall into one of these categories: Things that really matter to YOU where you need her support; things that don't matter that much to you and it could go either way, and things that really matter to HER where she needs your support.

If you can, at the outset of each argument, determine which one it falls into, it will be easier to resolve it. Why don't you reserve YOUR part of an argument for things that REALLY matter to you. Let her have the ones that don't matter that much or that really matter to HER.

Also, it will help if you could only fight the battles that NEED to be fought. Not every issue really needs to be picked over ... you know what I mean? Sometimes we say things because of stress or because we're just mouthing off *grumblegrumble* so that would fall under the "I never heard that" file, and be forgotten about. Just because she's mouthing off doesn't mean that you have to say, "I heard that! What was that for? Can't you for once just stop?!?!" See, doing THAT will only make things escalate, and no one wants that.

I'm sure that your counselor will go over the proper ways to fight fair (Don't start your sentences with "you never" or "you always", no name calling, stay on topic and don't bring up stuff that happened 5 years ago, no hitting below the belt), and other techniques to keep things from escalating. Between that, and the advice you're getting in here, I think you'll do just fine.

Best of luck !!

lovepreschool

Good heavens! Counseling BEFORE you're married? Someone needs to tell you this: the time before you're married is the best part of the relationship you will ever have. If you can't date without arguing, don't bother getting married. The little stuff you have thrown at you while dating is nothing compared to being married and having children, mortgage(s), car loans, credit card and other bills, etc.

We never had counseling before getting married, and have never had it since. Our children have still never seen us argue. We make sure our discussions are in private with no screaming and no name calling. I always remember my dad's advice: don't get mad at the same time. That advice still stands.

IQ lady

You guys aren't even married!
If your arguing now then the only one coming out of this better off is the counsellor!

Katie

I agree that if you need counseling before marriage, maybe you shouldn't be getting married.

krinkn

Counseling is very helpful for some couples. Some of us are from families where problems or disagreements were not solved in a mature or loving manner. We all didn't have good role models to learn from. We are not all good communicators.

I say go for it. But, don't stop talking when the session is over. Talk - and - most important to me - laugh about it together. Use it as a bonding experience.

ladyren

You had better stop arguing... relationships don't much survive when couples sling acid all over it. And you won't be any better in the next one, either, after this one fails.

In counseling, hopefully you two will learn the language of how to solve your disagreements without rage and resentment.

It is a skill.... it has to be learned.... and during the learning, hopefully you will find out how to attack your problems rather than each other!!!!!!!!

You two can read an old book on this... it's called, The Assertive Option... a classic in the field. The examples are old, but you'll get the idea... cheap used or new from Amazon.com in paperback.... or try your library.

redhead27

yes... we argued during the session, but with the counselor there he was sort of the mediator and teaching us how to argue fairly. YOu can't avoid arguments, because arguments are going to happen... you just need to learn how to argue fairly, that includes listening and communicating better. most arguments get out of hand when each person isn't listening or communicating, and so you must learn how to solve the problems you argue about... the counselor can't solve your problems for you, but they can guide you of how to communicate better and solve your problems together. though, with my experience... some problems just cant be solved, no matter how well you communicate... its just a difference of personality and opinion.

Honey Bee

Getting into an argument during couples counseling, believe it or not, is a GOOD thing! Too many couples are too reserved to just "let go" and argue a little during counseling. When it happens, us counselors love it! You know why? Because we get to see first hand how these arguments happen, how you act towards each other, all of those little things that we can only really see firsthand. When a couple comes in relaying a past argument, saying "I said xxx and then he did yyy and that made me mad, etc." It's mostly sugar coated and there will be two different versions of the story. To see it first hand allows us to see how arguments unfold, how you truly interact with each other, and ways to improve it. Don't feel embarrassed about it. They're not there to judge you, and in all honesty your counselor is most likely thinking "yes! a breakthrough!" Hopefully now your counselor will be able to help you understand why you argue and give you some tools to better communicate to prevent this. Many couples need to learn how to "disagree but not argue." Hopefully you've got a good counselor that will show you that now. As for the rest, couples counseling is great! I'm an infidelity couples counselor myself, and I've helped many couples reconcile marriages after infidelity. What matters most in whether or not the sessions "work" is whether or not BOTH of you are willing to put in the WORK as well. Just showing up and sitting there isn't enough. You need to listen to the counselor, learn new ways to approach things, communicate better with your spouse, etc. Counseling is extremely effective for those who are willing to put the effort into it. If you're not willing, then you're just wasting time and money by only showing up physically and not mentally. It's a lot of work, but a lot of good can come from it!

P.S. I do have to echo what others are saying here. Needing to go to couples counseling before marriage is a big red flag for the marriage. How are you going to handle more serious issues in the future? Finances? Mortgages? Jobs? Kids? Families? Etc. You need to think about that!

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