WHY WON'T HE MARRY ME?

David M

*Writing from my husbands profile, sorry*

I have a friend who has been with her soldier for three years. She feels the same way. They don't have children, but they've been living together for a couple years, and she lived in the house while he was deployed. She's 28 and hears her biological clock ticking, and has been worried about where her relationship is going for some time. Finally, last week, he told her, "When the time is right, I want to marry you, have children, and be with you forever." While I think it's important for you to make it clear that your relationship cannot continue indefinitely without marriage, if it's important to you, some people just take longer than others to want to make the commitment.

Don't get married just because he's deploying, but I definitely understand why that is a motivating factor. It makes things easier for you as a "significant other" and as the mother of his child. I don't know how long he's deploying for. If it's a year, getting married can seem a much more pressing issue. Six months...you could wait and get married on his leave after he gets back. This is your own business, but who is the beneficiary on his SGLI? At the very least, I would hope it's your child, but there are definitely benefits to being married if anything were to happen while he was over there.

Definitely talk to him about it. Be direct. I want to get married. I'm feeling confused about our future because we've been together for four years and have a child and yet we're still holding off on getting married. What are we waiting for? Marriage is the #1 reason for divorce. You just can't get divorced without one. Is he worried that it's not going to work? In theory he should be confident in your relationship and that it's not going to end. So why is he worried about divorce? Just make sure you don't bring it up in an argument or in such a way that he gets defensive. It's understandable that you're thinking about this, and you deserve to know if he's waiting for the right moment or if it's really not on his radar. Most likely, he won't disappoint you, but there's always the possibility he's going to say something you don't want to hear.

Valerie X Account #20! At Last!

Ok, so you give him a son and play "wife" to him?

What exactly is the incentive to marry you???

Just wondering.

Oh that's right, he is not afraid to be a father though.....whatever........

sarah

If he doesn't want to get married you're not going to change his mind. Obviously he doesn't feel it's that important. If he feels marriage and commitment isn't important maybe you are with the wrong man.

eryca k

He's not ready to commit so you should just move on.

I've learned from experience that after 2 years if a man is not ready to marry you then you should move on.

CatNip

Why should he get married, when he has everything that married life has;that is everything, but the commitment. He can leave anytime he wants, and that is what he is afraid of losing, not that bs story about divorce.
.

Let's see, Angie. You live with him, you sleep with him, you cook his meals for him and do his laundry for him as you were his wife. What's missing? The change of last name? The ring? Because in his situation, nothing is. He's only benefiting by not marrying you and has no reason to, after all. More importantly, why do you want to marry him? You have no need for it either. Society doesn't value marriage and the family (quiet obviously), and if it does, you shouldn't be considering their opinions regardless. But aside from that, you're certainly not getting any other benefits no matter which angle you look at this from. So why then should you marry? Is it because you think it will 'last a lifetime'? Or is it because something inside of you is telling you you should? Because you simply don't need it -- both of you have everything you could have ever asked for, I just hope you realise this and leave it that way.

Pete Rock

Sweet heart honestly, When he wants to marry you he will. You guys are already together and having a great relationship. Why complicate things? I was in the military and seen sooo many married couples go down the drain then deal with all the military stuff to get divorced. I respect his decision and you should too.

Elliot Kane

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think he really wants to marry you. The rate of cohabiting relationships breaking up is vastly higher than that of married relationships breaking up, so 'fear of divorce' just doesn't wash as an excuse.

He's got everything he wants right now with no legal strings and the probable truth is that he doesn't see any reason to change that.

However, he may not realise that it matters to you as much as it obviously does. Make it absolutely clear to him that you want to get married and that 'some day' isn't good enough. Tell him you'll be happy with the cheapest wedding possible if that's all you can afford and you don't even care about romantic proposals any more - you just want to be his wife!

If none of that works, you'll need to decide whether you can continue living as you are or whether it means enough to you to really put your foot down and give him an ultimatum.

I wish you luck.

Stripped

In my opinion hes making excuses, as far as saying hes afraid because of failure just makes no sense! If we were all afraid to fail we would get nowhere. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself out there and allow abit of vulnerability.

Its normal to be scared.

And perhaps he does need sometime, and things will fall into place.

ANU U

He is a insecure guy and doesn't want responsibilities,this way he is having the cake and eating it too.Has you as his g/f, has a son but he wants to be free too.What a guy!.Anyways waiting for him is your decision, talk to him and tell him to decide before he goes to Iraq.

NewMom

4 years and a son later is a lot of time to test a relationship.

Doesn't he know too many unmarried couples who have gotten separated too?

It looks to me, he is not sure.

Chelsey the Deer Hunter =)

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free??

marcia f

Why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? You have been way to easy. Let him go to Iraq and then don't be like calling him every day or e-mailing him every day. Let him do without for the time he is in Iraq and maybe when he gets back, he will appreciate what he has and ask you to marry him. If he doesn't, you have lost nothing.

Mainmaster

Hes holding off for some reason. I would tell him to marry you or forget you. I'm sorry when me and my wife wanted to get married, we did the court judge thing. I mean I do want a nice one to, but we said that can wait. As long as we are married, as we do love each other. So like I said hes hiding something, after 4 years. For to me it sounds like he just like his options opened. So tell him to marry you or you should find someone else that wants what you want.

Queen of Beer

He doesn't need to marry you bc you have given him everything already without the commitment. Break up with him.

Aunt Dee

Unless something happens to drastically change his way of thinking, I don't see a marriage for you anytime soon. 4 years sounds more never. I waited over 20 years and finally had to divorce him we had been together for so long.

If you two have a son together, has he done anything to protect him, as in a will or some declaration that the boy is his son? If he hasn't, don't think much of your chances for anything. He has the guts to be in the service and is heading for Iraq and he is afraid of marriage?
Nope, somethings going on here! If he's this big a wuss, why would you even want him?

sun4ever

No, 4 years is not rushing things. Sounds like you have a stable relationship and unfortunately and sadly for you he isn't ready to make that marriage commitment. You say he wants to give you a romantic proposal and you want that too, but if you plan to bug him to wed you before he leaves for Iraq, you will not have that type of proposal....unless he does decide to do it quickly, but then you'd have a rush of wedding plans on your hands. I do hope everything turns out for you sooner or later! Good Luck.

Piggy

You stop nagging and whining and let him do it in his own time. You're driving him away, and you don't realise it.

ArmyJP

Girl, let me tell you. If he hasn't proposed yet after that long, he does not want to marry you. Not that he's afraid of marriage or doesn't want to get married....he probably does....just not to you. That's why it hasn't happened yet. This is abundantly clear with him in the military. If he even remotely wanted to marry you, he would, because they get paid more for having dependents and receive more BAH and BAS, etc. He will feed you a ton of lies and excuses but the bottom line is, he does not see you as his wife. It's unfortunate considering you have a child with him. I'm not going to tell you what to do because that's up to you....but that's the honest truth, coming from someone who KNOWS.

ablex

What difference do you think marriage will make?
The relationship is what it is, marriage or no. Don't worry so much about the labels.

Poison

stop being so pushy and find yourself a woman

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: