What am I supposed to think about this?

My wife just went back to school. I support this 100%, I want her to do well get good grades and be successful. Since she has taken on a full load we have not seen each other very often.. she's pretty much gone until 8:00 almost every night durnig the week at a coffe shop or at a library doing homework or writing a paper. shes more then full time in school.

A few weeks ago we had a fight, and she pretty much told me, look I have too much to worry about in school.. right now our marriage comes 2nd.. i just don't have the time or energy to deal with any of this. So as the weeks go on this fight has gotten worse and worse mainly becuase we have not been able to resolve this becuase she refuses to deal with 90% of anything in our marriage.

AS I was raised I was taught that Marriage and family come first no matter what. am I wrong to feel let down becasue she is NOT putting our marriage first? I mean I'm all for her doing well, but if somethign happens that may threaten the marriage..... .she totally doesn't want to deal with it at all. Also if she is so quick to put school first.. i'm worried about what else will she be willing to place in front of us so easily?
Additional Details
My problem is that I feel like a roomates and not a husbad/wife.

we dont' connect anymore, we don't talk ..that feeling of partnership is fading away

cjmessy

Don't give up on her right now.

Yes, your marriage and family should always come first.

That being said, you can't always give 100% to something. Help her carry this load for a little while. She is stressed, trying to do well, and she just can't deal. Try not to let her hurtful words make you give up as well.

Tell her that you realize that she is going through a lot, and that you will do everything you can to support her through this. But, that your marriage will always come first, and you think deep down she feels the same. Don't push her to deal with it right away though. Give her some breathing room. Tell her that you want to try and resolve this issue, so that things can get back to normal and be less stressful all around, but, that you can wait until she is ready. My guess is that will make her start talking it out with you right away.

If it doesn't, just be a little patient. Do little things for her to make her days a little easier,but don't make any fanfare about it. She will notice, and her attitude will change.

I'm not suggesting that you become a servant to her, or grovel. However, the number one way to get someone to treat you with love and respect, is to treat them that way first. It's not always easy, when someone is not being loving or respectful to you, but, someone has to break the cycle, or the marriage will end up broken.

I hope that helps, Good luck, Godbless, and fight hard for your marriage!

PrettyN

A lot of times it's not what you say but how you say it. Perhaps your approach to her is not the best. I understand you have valid concerns which you should work towards addressing, but why don't you just let her be for a while? Before you do this tell her how you feel and then just let it go. See if she comes back and seems concerned. Perhaps you may need to wait until the semester ends to have a serious talk with her about your expectations. Or perhaps you need to find something to do (and not an affair) to keep you entertained. Once you are not bothering her she will wonder why and come seeking you and then you can address how you feel.

Good luck!

Orc

The thing is once she gets the degree she will get a job where she can use the new degree and will launch into her career by "working" hard... and so she will still be gone. There are some basic decisions the two of you need to make about how how you guys are gonna prioritize your lives. But coming from personal experience... this will not end well... and I think you know that. The question is how long you wait to resolve it but in the end it will come down to the same hard, difficult, objectionable choice. Warmest sympathy, good luck and best wishes.

teterboro

On your wedding day your wife promised to love you for better and for worst, etc. She didn't make the same promise about her school. You come first. And I'm a woman albeit not a feminist. Good luck.

Bibi

of course family comes first but have you thought it takes two to start an argument shes pressured I know how this feels and sometimes you just want to come home and have your honey give you a kiss and give you a massage with no arguing

really think about why you are arguing if its not worth it then help her out in whatever you can

im so glad my husband helped me while I was in school because of it wasn't for his constant support I would of never graduated

Bibigirl

She has pretty much told you point blank how she feels about your other problems outside of her schooling. I would ask her to lighten her school load next semester to better handle issues at home.

wilderthanme

I agree with you. Relationships take work and a lot of communication.

A couple of things to consider. Was your wife working before? If she was, maybe she feels guilty that she is not contributing to the finances at this moment.

Maybe she could take a few less credit hours and be fully involved in both your marriage and school.

How are these topics coming up in conversation, are they calm rational adult conversations or are they ambushes with yelling, and lots of emotion? I know if someone ambushes me and yells and points fingers and blame I have neither the time or the energy to deal with that either.

Good luck!

Natalie

You say you support this 100%, but want to take precedence to her school. Which is it? In marriage, it is not always that you come first. It changes back and forth. That's what they mean by 50/50. Right now, you need to put her #1.

Horse Up

guytheterrible couldn't be more right.
Ignore her, act like she's not important. Dont be home when she
gets there.

TRIXIE

you asked for my opinion so here goes. I am on the wife's side. back-off. the marriage is second right now. if i was your wife i'd pack my stuff up, go to a college 90 miles away and i would live in a dorm. i would tell you "that if this marriage is first than you will understand, i'll be home after i have MY diploma".

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