What can I do to establish a relationship with my children after a divorce?
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What can I do to establish a relationship with my children after a divorce?
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I am 46 and have been divorced for 4 years now. My ex is 14 years older with an established business and many other assets of which I left him when I left the marriage, trying to do my best in keeping a positive relationship with him and my children.
My son is now 21 and my daughter is 15, since the divorce my ex has said and made some choices to discuss and accuse me of things in front of my children.
This has caused my son to confront me angrily many times and now not speak to me at all. My daughter communicates with me very little.
I have tried to continue the contacts and receive very little in return or responses from my children.
Any suggestions on what is the purest, most unconditional loving way to talk to my children to establish the relationship we had before the divorce? They have chosen to be disrespectful and ignore me, even after my many attempts to try to let them know I miss them and want to be a part of my life.
It seems to me that because their Dad has a great amount of financial assets to satisfy their needs, and has chosen to be their friend instead of their Dad, this makes Mom "the bad guy"?
It seems no matter what I say or do it is never enough? Any suggestion on how to approach this issue?
Additional Details
This was a 17 year marriage and ended because of lack of communication and quality time. We owned our own business and my ex spent most of his time at work while I did all the bookkeeping at home. When he was home he communicated very little with me. We ended the marriage on what I thought was a positive note, until he very shortly had a new girlfriend then things changed as far as the 2 of us communicating and his choices to say negative things in front of the children.
I was a full time Mom and was very involved with my children, from volunteering in their classrooms to getting them into extra activities and becoming involved in those also.
I come from a neglected childhood myself and made a vow to always be there for my children and let them know everyday how much they were loved and cared for. If I had not had the opportunity to be a full time mom I would of not had children, that is how important it was to me.
Before the divorce we had much quality time together.
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Clo is back from Florida !
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First off, you need to speak to your ex about what is really going on between you and your children. It seems that your divorce with him, wasn't handled very "mature wise" since the children, took sides in this procedure. I would try to establish a "family meeting" with your ex and your children, and then give all the right to opinionate their point of view in all of this. When you make sure, everyone in the party has explained how they feel, you are opening finally the communication channel in your family. Respect is earned so all of you, do your best ! |
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TS
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Your exhusband is a coward. By degrading you infront of the kids is a cowardice act. If the fault lies with you and your husband and nothing to do with your kids so he shouldn't do what he did. What an @sshole! He may have the money but he has no intergrity!
And your kids need counselling. If you have not shirk your responsibilities as a mom, they have to see it, they have to know it. Whatever mistakes you did is between you and your husband got nothing to do with them. You need some kind of counselor to advise your kids. No point talking to your exhusband. Kids are kids...they see who can support them and cater to their needs.
Regarding to this issues with the kids its hard to handle because they are young and they have narrower perspective of things and believe what they chose to believe and lead to believe. |
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Real Talk....Ya dig
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Dont push the issue. Be there in an invisible way. Its going to hurt your feelings, no doubt, but they want to test you to see if yiu really are a horrible and weak as the dad says. The first time you fail to endure their attacks, dad and them will say "told you so". Go to lunch with daughter. Take son food to school. Do little unassuming things to show that you love them. They will come around if your motives are true |
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Pam R
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If you ex had custody of the kids, there could be many things that wore told to them about you.
They may have thought you abandoned them.
They are still at the impressionable age and need to find out on there own about the whole marriage/divorce.
Don't ever give up on them. |
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Nice guy
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I don't think children prefer parents out of materialistic reasons. On the contrary. So it must be something else. You are not writing about the reason for your divorce, which means you feel guilty and you are not even being honest with yourself about it. Have you talked with your children about the reason for your divorce, and that maybe you made a mistake and that you are sorry for it? You say "establish" a relationship with your children... does that mean there was none before the divorce? Or are the problems in the relationship with your children because of the divorce? There are many things you are not saying here, and all these hold the key to getting where you want to be with your children. |
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len
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you can only be yourself. if he is working against you not much you can do. |
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