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What do you do with an insecure wife? Does your wife ever keep asking you this?
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What do you do with an insecure wife? Does your wife ever keep asking you this?

She keeps asking me if I love her. Of course I do and I tell her of course I do but she gets insecure and asks me frequently,always needs continual reassurance. Im getting exasperated to be honest,I tell her regularly that I love her and I dont hold back in giving her affection but she still keeps asking!? (She was a foster child when she was growing up,which I think contributes to the feeling of feeling unloved sometimes) but it's getting under my skin.She is like this on and off,its like phases of insecurities that last for a few days then she seems to forget about it for another while
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Ben P she doesn't moan cause I do keep her happy and calling women swear words is disrespectful and cowardly so f*** off if you can't answer civily


you have to have LOTS of patience and assuring. But someone like this is extremely prone to jealously which is highly destructive. Trust me I know.
You just need to do extra special things for her and give her roses and notes and all that BS.

It probably has a lot to do with being raised in foster care, that would give anyone abandonment issues. Maybe she wants you show her rather than tell her? Maybe do something nice and unexpected like taking her out to a nice dinner on the spur of the moment, or just picking up her favorite flowers after work? I would try this first and then if she is still having a hard time I would suggest counseling. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

you might want to ask her why she keeps asking you... insecurities cannot be fixed until the person with them recognized them for what they are & faces them head on! you telling her 100 times a day, is not going to fix this situation.

If she needs reassurance then give it to her,you are her husband after all.

She may need to talk to someone to work through her insecurities, if it's starting to be a problem. Maybe both of you can work through it together, if she is willing.

take her to get counseling

A very wise man once told me that women need to be told 8 times a day that they are loved, so he made a point of telling his wife several times every day "I love you." He did not find it a chore or irritating because he loved her so much and she was so important to him. Even a confident woman likes to be told OFTEN that she is loved. Your wife sounds very insecure and for good reason. She had a rough childhood. Instead of getting irritated with her, look into getting some counselling or something to help her boost her confidence.

Give it time...she will leave when she feels love from someone else...then feel the same as she was wiht you after a while...leave him for someone else..and so on and so forth...She needs therapy to correct this. A wman wiht no self esteem are on a journey to find it through other people...people or things that make them feel good....sometimes addicitons...like alcohol or drugs. Hopefully this is not what happens in your case but would nip this in the bud, get her some therapy to boost her confidence and go from there before her desires to feel loved overtakes her to a point that she does something detrimental to your marraige. I hope you are loving her....doing all you can...if it has not been enough...then she has issues within herself to sort out.

The Deep
ok so consider that constant reassurance is the order of the day here! but really get to grips with the ins and outs of the content required!

Many people overlook the "tonality" of the language spoken, try changing your tonality, its massive in accentuating what you mena, but as said its overlooked in favour of whats said, (not the way its said)

so consider its about what she "hears" so shes auditory right? you may be better at showing her rather than saying it but to someone whos auditory they need to "hear" communication, if shes "kinestetic" as well, or a feeling person....what she "hears" has to "feel" good...so try coupling and linking up the language, the tonality with some touching too! if you can!

Insecurity can be a problem as you say, you could go down the high risk= high gain route by saing that the needy ness is driving you away and that may stop her, but if she has an unconciouse, self affirming "rejection" strategy in place, subconciously, you will be feeding into it big time so be careful there!

People with such strategys oftem make things real..."do you love me" (because they never felt love) said SOOOOO MUCh that eventually you dont love her because its got you down and WHAM her strategy has worked and the loop begins!..its an unconcious behaviour that can be sorted in the hands of a professional hypnotherapist or timeline therapist!

good luck, keep going

Have you ever asked why she may not feel loved by you? Yes she may be insecure being an orphan and raised in foster care. All the more reason you may need to be more supportive. Don't let this be a impasse to you and her peace of mind

Ask her about seeing a counselor and let her know you will be with her every step of the way and will never abandoned her. Let her know how much you love her, tell her what your feeling everytime she asks you if you love her. She never had any closeness with anyone where she could just talk out her feelingsor fears. She needs encouragement.
So telling her every morning or evening you love her goes along way.

If it is bugging you then it probably shows in your tone of voice. This will make her ask more often, because she feels even more insecure.

Watch it, because it could easily turn into a downward spiral.

How much effort would it really take to reply each time like you mean it?

You sound like a wonderful husband. The truth is, sweetie, this is HER issue and no matter how many times you tell her "I love you" or even do things to show her, she may never get it through her head without some professional help. She obviously has some lingering issue w/ insecurity and needs to seek counseling to learn how to RECEIVE love. You're absolutely right in thinking her foster care background may have something to do with it. As a child, being in foster can feel like "i'm not good enough"...."no one wants me" and things like that. Kids tend to put those feelings onto themselves and it's obviously left a lasting impression with your wife. She has such low self-esteem that she doesn't feel WORTHY of your love which is why she's constantly asking for validation. Keep doing what you're doing - telling her I love you and things like that but you need to have a serious talk with her. Tell her you think her insecurities stem from a low self-esteem and that you'd like her to seek therapy to deal with any unresolved issues. Reassure her that you'll be by her side every step of the way but that you want her to feel confident and loved. Until she understands where these insecurities are coming from, she can't learn how to deal with them and it's not fair to you to take on some displaced feeling of guilt. This isn't YOUR fault and you aren't doing anything wrong. It's her issue and she must deal with it for the overall health of your marriage.

I think you guys need to see a counselor together. It seems to me that she is still dealing with some insecurities brought on by her past. You might be getting tired about it, but pump it up a notch, send her flowers, tell she's beautiful all the time, don't wait for her to ask, just tell her! Pretty soon it'll become habit and it won't bother you as much anymore. But I really believe that counseling would help, being raised in a foster home can have serious effects on emotional stability, the feeling of not being wanted or loved.

I think it could have to do with her past. Sometimes no matter how much we show or tell someone we love, they dont believe it. It is not as much about your efforts as it is with her inner demons. She may not be able to trust in the security your love brings. Not to say she cant trust you! She should talk with someone and really examine the reasons she is unable to receive reassurance from you. Perhaps there are other reasons that she may not even share with you having to do with her past.
I know it is hard, but try to be patient and just encourage her and try to get her to deal with these issues she has. Tell her how you feel. Be as honest and as gentle as you can.

Are you sure you show her affection like you say because just saying you love someone isn't enough to me you have to show it. Im curious to what you think is enough affection a hug everyday a kiss a few times a day. What do you consider enough affection because I would think people have different opinions and a different amount of need for affect that varies from person to person. Also what you feel shows affection doesn't necessarily have to be what she considers shows affection. I hope you get what I am saying I'm sorry tried to keep it short didn't do so well.

maybe you guys should go to couseling. maybe she keeps asking you because she thinks that she might lose you as she did her parents. take her out to dinner and talk to her about this and tell her how you feel. best of luck to you

I kind of know how you feel. After a few beers my husband will start telling me he loves me literally every few minutes and gets upset if I don't say it back right away. So I do understand how frustrating it can be to continually reassure someone. (For those that think it's easy why not tell someone you love them every two minutes for the next half hour and see how old it gets.)

You don't say how long you two have been together. If it hasn't been that long then maybe she will get the idea that you aren't going to disappear. She might need to see a counselor and probably the best time to bring the subject up is when she is not in her insecure period. Or maybe a support group for foster children might help.
Good luck.

Jane Marple
'I love you' should be the first thing she hears in the morning and the last she hears at night. JUST say it !! you make it sound like it's a task for you!!!

She needs self confidence

Baby#2 on its Way!!!!
she just needs security and not just her im sure many of us woman feel the same. have you distanced yourself from her lately? have you been stressed or giving her any reason for her to ask this all the time?
i love for my man to tell me and most importantly show me he loves me ALL THE TIME!!!! its a reason why we want a relationship to be told and shown that we are loved. just let her know that she doesnt have to keep asking youuj if you just told her you love her. and talk to her about both your feelings it seems like both of you need to open up about something

This is a hard thing. She needs that reassurance everyday. Im sure you are trying very hard to give it to her. You are very sensitive in realizing it may have to do with her childhood. A foster child lives with fear of abandonment from people she loves/trusts. After all your parents are suppose to always love you and take care of you so its very serious when they dont. The damage is horrific.
Please take her to counseling. Together you can beat this and you can help her learn to deal with these feelings. It will be good for both of you because low self esteem can be a relationship killer. Having to constantly argue with someone that you love them is like you said exasperating.
Hang in there, it will not be easy but it will be worth it!

try to figure out why she goes thru periods of being insecure and work on those issues, is it when shes hormonal? does a certain situation trigger it? anyway, yeah, i had a bf like that once and he kept asking if i liked him "as a person" in the end i just said no. then he would say "why are you with me then?" so from reasoning it worked out i must like him.

~Baby D~
Just keep telling her & love her throught this.

It sounds like she is just an insecure person that needs reassurance. On your part, there may be some reason on why she doesn't feel loved (---not necessarily true---), so she doesn't feel like your wife, but just another person in your life.

Treat her kindly and continue to reassure her. If she gets worse or if it is really bothering you, talk to her truthfully and honestly about how you feel. Don't be mean or rude to her while talking to her, but just ask her why she thinks that you don't love her. Get the truth from her or else this won't be resolved.

Get it all out in the open. Ask her if there's something on your part, ask her if there's something she wants... just find out how she's feeling and try to resolve it peacefully and don't make anything radical or unattainable.

Wow im going to be a mum Again!!
Its just her, like myself, if you have had a difficult upbringing,you do question the people now and in the future on things. I place bets she is also the very jelous type aswell, she sounds terrified that you may leave her and possibly cant believe that soemone can love her for who she is as she is so insecure.
Telling her you love her often is good, you can also show her though, listen to her when she is down, do surprise things, i can understand where you are coming from on this as it is difficult on both sides.
You could always see a therapist wether it be both of you together or her on her own to talk through things.
Good luck : )

Explain it to her. Let her know her asking all the time is making you worried and upset. Explain that if you didn't love her you wouldn't have married her.

Tie her up with silk rope!

Maybe what she needs is external help, form a third person like a psychologist to talk about her past, which is obviously being a problem to her now as an adult. You need to understand, and I think you do to some level, that what she went through as a child was painful and lonely. I understand as well how her constant behavior gets you on the edge as well, but comparing you both, she´s the one going through much more, maybe more than she´s even sharing with you.
You need to be there for her and her support. With all the separation and divorce we hear about so many couples this days anyone could get insecure from time to time, double that to your wife who feels like that all the time. She needs help from a professional who will help her with her self esteem and assure her that she won´t be alone again.

If you have never been secured (Fostered from a broken home) you cannot feel secure, you must feel insecure.
Give her a hug every morning, it will only take a min, this will build her up, I'm sure she is worth it and I ask you, if poss, to realise it is not her fault. I wish you both well. Terry

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