What is the Mature way to address an issue with my husband?

Brutally Honest

You need to first of all approach it not as a "confrontation" but rather as an issue or a problem to be discussed. It sounds like you automatically go on the attack, which means he will go on the defense and things won't be resolved.

Here's a scenario:

You: Honey, I have a problem I want to discuss with you.
He: Oh, ok. What is it?
You: Well, I feel you don't understand my need for you to not leave your stinky underwear in the tub.
He: Oh. I didn't realize it was such a huge deal.
You: Well, it is, and I would really appreciate it if you would try harder to put them in the laundry, ok?
He: Sorry dear. I will try a bit harder in the future.

Sure this is just an example, but you get the point. If you approach the matter as a DISCUSSION, you're more likely to get positive results. You never say things like, "This is all YOUR fault that you make me SO mad!" You say things like, "I feel like you don't understand me and it makes me feel angry." Taking the YOU out of the equation can make things less hostile and tense.

Last resort, maybe you two need to see a couples counselor and learn how to communicate because that's what seems to be happening...you don't know how to talk to one another.

Good luck.

Look Away, I'm Hideous

take a break when it gets heated. seperate then try to discuss it 10 or 15 minutes later.

Cameo

If you google "fight fair" you'll get a lot of helpful advice from respected sources.

Good luck!

Rums the Word

Speak to him and not at him. Don't raise your voice and start yelling. Talk to him like you wan to be talked to.

Ann D

I don't know what you two are arguing about, but in anger management classes they say that rather that confronting someone in an accusatory manner, explain how something makes you feel.
For instance:
"It really hurts and I feel like you don't love me when you chhose to stay out all night and drink with your buddies."
Rather than:
"You @^$%#&%!, where were you last night?????"

AlenaT

if your hubby is childish unfortunately there is not going to be any discussion...but if you want him to listen to your input write him a letter so you won't be interrupted :-)

Kimberlee

Try to not say thing anything that is going to make the other mad and say things they regret later. Think before you speak and think about what effect your statement is going to make. Stop antagonizing the other...You can't both be right.

Caleb R

Write it down. Write the problem (issue) down in an email or in a letter and hand it to him and tell him you want to discuss it at a later date. Then ask him what he wants for dinner and go on with your life. Arguments get loud very easily(all the time with me:P) and feelings get hurt. Just realize that most of the time what you are arguing about is very very miniscule in the broad look at things and it really won't matter that much in the long run. If it is a big deal then just write it down and give it to him sometime. Email him while he's at work. Leave a letter on his pillow telling him you love him and you need to talk to him about sometihng that is upsetting you. The problem is not him. It might be something he's doing. But not him. It takes 2 to argue:D

walter c

Approach him like AN ADULT, explain your issues
In A calm and Assertive way. IF ya start screaming
in the attempt to convey your issues than Who is the real child.

cici

instead of being confrontational, you need to practice using phrases like, "I feel..." and "I want..." instead of "You made me..." and "It's YOUR fault".
it can be hard to do, but when you say to someone, "I feel hurt", rather than "You hurt me" it is so much less confrontational.

Badkitty

Listen as much as you talk. That needs to go both ways. When you disagree understand that no one will win the disagreement, to end the discussion you must come to a compromise.

tentoes

When your discussions become heated, you need to keep your cool and keep talking in a calm manner.

aurailieus

be as nice as possible, use both your ears and your mouth, try to be reasonable and go into the situation trying to resolve the matter calmyl and with compromise.

Live Laugh And Love

Sit Down with him and talk to him Calmly and Cooly And Collected

Don't Ridicule him or Condemn Him Treat him with respect

Calmly say how you feel let him have his say and go from there

You need to listen as much if not more than you say. Listening is just as important as talking.

Treat him how you would like to be treated.

He deserves Just as much respect as you do.

The Golden Rule: treat others as you would have them treat you

Treat Him how you would like to be treated

SLIM in 2008

sit down maybe over dinner or something aand have a discussion about what the issues are

Leanna's mom

When you say you want to argue like an adult, it is hard to understand how you are arguing in the first place. Are you (either of you) saying things that are immature to one another when fighting? Do you purposely "push his buttons" just to get a reaction out of him? If this is the case, this might be difficult at first, but try to think about your words before saying them rather than blurting something out just because you can. Think of what you are saying and how you would feel if it were being said to you. The fact that you recognize the fact that things are being said immaturely is a HUGE step in a positive direction. If the arguments get so heated to the point of yelling, walk away for a bit and calm down, gather your thoughts and be cool. If it helps, write down how you are feeling so when you are able to discuss them "as adults" you will not forget anything on your list. Believe me, this helps! I used to be a MAJOR hot head and would sound off at ANYTHING and ANYONE! Not so much anymore. Also, if you have children, please do not argue like this in front of them. They learn what they see... I hope this helps and this is what you are after.

Beatngu

Talk and discuss. Don't raise your voice, don't take a Motherly tone. And if it starts to get heated, tell him you need to back off. He needs to know he should do the same.

Either that or fight naked... Either way, you'll take care of business.

icewitch54

Well, the first thought is that you do not 'confront' that almost automatically means a row.
The mature way is not to say things like "you do this" "you do that"..that is confrontational.
A better way to "argue" is to stay calm and say things like "when you do (or say) this it makes me feel................". If you argue in the heat of the moment you (and he) may well say things that you don't really mean but once the words are out they can not be taken back..but can do a lot of damage.
Sometimes a good tactic is to just say that you are too angry to discuss the issue at that time but will talk to him about it when you (or he) is calmer.

Dr.PhilwithBoobsDueInJune

To argue like a adult you must first be able to spell adult. It takes two to fight fair so this is something you will both have to work on. You two need to come up with rules of engagement:
When having a argument stick to the issue!! Don't bring up other things that is another argument.
There is no need for name calling it will not help the situation.
Sometimes there will be no agreement and you have to know when to agree to disagree. Just make sure that you make your points clear and make your feelings on the issue known.

Cooler heads prevail guys so take some time before you rush into a fight. You need to decide if it is a battle you really want to fight and it is always best to try and figure out a compromise.

hyabusawife

Never discuss important issues when you are angry. When people are angry they tend to say and do things that they don't neccessarily mean. Calm down then re-group and talk about the issues.

wildflowerblossom

You need to let him know that that is your desire. You need to be able to talk to each other without attacking each other. It takes two to have a real conversation.

One way to do that is to use the sentence below to express yourself. By using that sentence, you can express yourself, without attacking or blaming.

"When you (activity in question) I feel (enter emotion here) because I need (your needs). "

Example:
When you don't take out the garbage, it frustrates me because I need your help in the evening getting chores done.

Just by using that sentence you can express your needs and it can open the dialogue to hear and respond to the other persons needs too.

Good luck with it. Remember sometimes when things get to hairy to just take a break and them come back to it when both parties are more calm. You can't talk rationally if you are upset.

keithleyjustin

Wrap your arms around him give him a big kiss, even if you at the moment you dont want to and then say baby, honey somethings on my mind.. then proceed in explaining youself and whats in your head that you need cleared or visited about... Ladies tend to pounce and dig in deep...

Josie Jo

Honey - to argue like an adult, both parties need to be adults!!!

floridaman39us

If you feel yourself getting tense, step back and take a deep breath. Let him win some arguments.

sunbun

talk to him DO NOT RIDICULE or condem him

BLANKY B

When he yells, keep your voice calm without being condescending and ask him to lower his voice so that you can have an adult conversation.

pictureshygirl

It is difficult for most of us, mature or not, to approach conflict in a way where the issues can be resolved without escalating into a full fledge fight. In any conflict between two people the goal should not be to win and make the other person wrong, it is to validate each other's points of views and to come to a compromise in a way so that both parties involved feel they came off being understood. Everyone of us wants to be understand, taken seriously and validated, so it is a natural reaction to get upset if we feel we are not getting this from our partner. The problem lies when a spouse feels in order to be in control of the relationship they need to win over on most disagreements regardless of the other partners feelings. To do this, in time the bond between the both of them begins to deteriorate as the one who feels misunderstood begins to build resentment. A disagreement should be looked upon as a wedge that is standing between two people who love each other. The goal should be to break that wedge so that there is nothing standing between the two who want and need love from one another. Just remember, behind most disagreements no matter how small has an underlying factor to it, such as fear, insecurity, or more. If you love someone you want to eliminate any fear or insecurity they are experiencing. Work as a team to resolve conflict and get to the real issue behind a disagreement this way both of you feel loved and important to each other. Leave the idea of winning out of it for if one of you win and the other loses, then in the long run, you both lose. Keep these points in mind, people fear rejection and need acceptance.

Jan D

Discuss it while remembering that you love him.

expedigirl

Sit down and talk. Make it a point to let the other person finishing speaking before you cut in. Say how you feel, and what you believe but don't put words in your partner's mouth.

weeder

I have the same problem with my wife. I finally got to the point where I would just walk away and tell her to come find me when she was ready to have an adult, mature conversation. Of course that only p*isses her off more at first, but after a few she'll usually calm down.

weeder

MRS. B

ok, lol i've been married for a little over a year and when we fight its the same thing... but in a matter of hours we are ok. i think its just the inner stress in us, its probable the same with you. i think its normal anywhere you look honestly. i mean if its something you can laugh about later then i don't see any harm...plus its hard to change yourself let alone another person and how you deal with eachother i think you are in love for a reason. good luck

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