What should I do about my husband's emotional abuse?

The other day, I called the accountant about our Income Tax. He (the accountant) told me we owed the government and the state a large sum of money, and my husband blew up at me. He accused me of stealing from him and then he even said that the accountant and I were in on it. This went on for 4 hours or so and he told me that nobody liked me and much more. I have an outstanding record of being highly regarded, trustworthy and respected. Actually they hated him on his last job and fired him. He was drinking when he was angry and is an alcoholic anyway. He isn't working and is collecting unemployment too. He had also just been turned down for a job (went for an interview) because they believed that he wasn't being forthright in the interview. This man has always blamed me when anything goes wrong always threatens to leave me. I was so upset that I couldn't stop crying. Oh this isn't the first time he has said that he'd leave either. We've been together for almost 15 years and almost married 12 of them. I do love him when he's good but would cut my losses and run sometimes but can't. I don't have the equity. I have full disability, and am middle aged don't have much family. I am very isolated as he's not a social person and he takes up a lot of my time. I do manage to work a bit. He hasn't hit me don't think he would. Sometimes he's okay doesn't mind if I want to go and do something. If I would he always ends up drunk or makes me feel guilty for going somewhere! I feel like I need to watch him so nothing goes wrong. I get sick a lot and you can tell he doesn't like it leaves me alone mostly and I'm ignored. Once in awhile, he'll do something nice like heat up soup but mostly wants to make me feel bad for being sick. He rarely makes eye contact with me, and doesn't listen to me except when I insist he does. He is a loner, doesn't hang out with anyone, and we don't know anyone here since we moved last year. He doesn't care for people, I worked in the health care industry for many years. He is wearing me out. I can't tell my son, he loves this man who is his stepfather. My son is not living in the same state as me, but with his girlfriend. My son is the greatest, glad I have him.

Sue C

Been in your shoes, but think may be able to help you understand some things re the life of an alcoholic, things that are being done to you, said to you, & what to try to do to help YOU. First, I am a recovering alcoholic of 18+ yrs. I lived w/a couple alcoholics, therefore I attended AA AND Alanon. I've said many many times, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity! How true. When an alcoholic is abusive mentally, as I've live w/both mental & physical abuse, the things they say, they are actually talking about themselves! Think about it. Think about some of the things he's said. Do they sound like things or ways people actually think of him, or that's the way he actually thinks of himself? This is SO TRUE...In Alanon we learned that when they start to say things against you, say you are this or you are that, they are actually speaking of how they feel about themselves! We were told to put an "imaginary mirror" in front of our faces, & let them talk away to themselves! In all honesty, try it, it does work. IF he says no one likes you, he's actually talking about himself. Put up that mirror! They also have very very poor self esteems. Of course he is going to accuse you of siding w/the accountant. He is inferior to him, he's accusing you of going against his back. He has NO self esteem, therefore he's going to suspect about everyone & anyone. Yes, they do seperate themselves from others they do nt care for others, as they just cannot get along well w/others. Oh how your words just ring so many bells in my mind. Alcoholics also carry around tons of guilt. Yes, they are well aware of their short comings, yes they feel guilty about them. That's why he no doubt can't look you straight into your eyes, he feels guilt. Do NOT, I mean do NOT allow him to "make you" feel guilty. You have NO reason whatsoever to feel guilty...he does! He's transferring his guilt onto you, but don't allow him to control you like this. You do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavior! Do not allow him to "push your buttons" or to attempt to "control your mind". Don't allow him to take up space in your mind either, he's NOT worth it. You take control of you, let him take control over whatever he thinks he can take control over, which when he's drunk, isn't much! Oh have you ever "told my own story" in so MANY ways it's like going to an Alanon mtg.! That's another thing that IF you could do, it would do a world of good for you. It would help teach you how to live w/an alcoholic. What to do, what not to do. I KNOW you also would hear your very same story just as I am by reading much of what you've posted. IF you could just go to a few mtgs., I guarentee you would feel so at home, so welcome, meet some of the very best folks you could want to meet & every one of them would be so willing to be there for you. IF you're interested, call the 800 Alcohol no. in the yellow pages & just ask for the next closest Alanon mtg. to your home. You w/NOT regret it, I can promise you that. You'll leave w/such a great feeling, loaded w/so much help for YOU. You'll see things in a whole different lite, & just the statement you said, "he's wearing me out", you'll change your whole attitude & he won't "wear you out" any longer. We were told in AA that in order to "keep it", we have to "give it away". This is what helps me to stay sober, by doing my best to help others. I'll ans. any post on abuse & alcoholism. I'll do anything in my power to try to help someone/anyone. I trust I have helped you in a way. I trust you w/just give Alanon a try. See what you gain from it. I'll leave you w/the Serenity Prayer...God grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference...This is the Alanon prayer...All the BEST to you...:)

waiting for baby

throughout the whole email you made excuses, for him and at the end you made excuses using your son, you are your son mother he will prefer you over him and he has his own life so he does not care if you are with him or not but I would say this he probably would prefer you to live him if you are been abuse
The sad think is abuse is abuse time for you to go
maybe if you leave your health might be better
SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
YOU HAVE 2 PEOPLE THAT ARE ABUSING YOU, YOUR HUSBAND & YOU

life goes on

You have to make him go to conceling with you or threaten to leave him.
Your son should understand,
You can;t live like this even if your son loves the man.

caraohara

An alcoholic always blames others for their problems...it's the nature of the addiction. When they don't take responsibility for there problems , it means they never have to address their addiction. You are dealing with an alcoholic , so you will never have any normality in your life. Hiding the fact that he is abusive towards you , is not helping him at all...it's only enabling him to continue with this unacceptable behaviour. If you want to leave him...you can do it , it wont be easy but it can be done. You have been with him15 yrs now , I really think that is more than enough time to give anyone the chance to change their behaviour. You could try to get him to get help for his drink problem and if this fails..you must think about what is best for you...or just accept the fact that this might be the way the rest of your life is going to be.

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