What to do about my lying husband?

My husband and I have been married almost three years and we have a two year old son. He has lied to me since we started dating and I didn't find out about it until after we were married. They aren't small lies either...He told me his mother was and E.R. doctor when really she's a physical therapists assistant. He got two tattoos behind my back and kept them from me until I saw them. He got new passwords for his email accounts when we used to be very open with each others email. He is in the coast guard reserves and told me he was being sent to Florida for a weekend and I found out that really he was meeting his sister there to see a college football game. And most recently I found out that he has a separate bank account, I checked and it has no money in it but he transferred the exact amount into that account that he owed on his personal credit card to pay for it. I don't know where the money came from and he won't tell me. I don't know what to do, I've given him more than enough chances to start over and be honest with me but every time I found out another lie. He is away with work right now for the next couple of months and every time I try to talk about things with him he tells me he's tired of going over the same things over and over, he tells me I blame him for everything. I don't know what to do, I wanted to make it work for our son, If we divorce he is probably going to take a job in Arizona and our son will never see him. I want my son to know his dad. Can things work, could he ever change?

wheelsofmadness

Ok lets break this down a bit the lie about his mom not worth making into a federal case. He was trying to impress you. The truth is out now let it go. as far as the tattoo's unless you both have the same moral beliefs and they go against them when it comes down to it its his body. (If it holds up for women in abortion cases it fits here) Not saying I am for or against it just that it fits.
The passwords now that would raise my suspicions and I would argue that. If he don't see your point on that then change yours and make it obvious that your pass words changed and do not give him the new ones. ( he will probably give you them) but create new e mail accounts then keep them from you.
As far as the trip to Florida. Honestly ask yourself would you have just let him go if you knew the truth? knowing he was going there to see a game and he was going to be with his sister? Maybe he feels like he had to lie to go. My wife for a long time would have a fit if I wanted to go on a camping trip with the guys or if I made plans to go out of town for a week end. I always made it clear that if she wanted to go with me that was fine but if I was going on a trip with the guys she would be doing what we did. No trips into town. No re arranging plans to accommodate her. Sounds selfish I know. But I wouldn't tag along on her shopping spree's with her and her friends and expect them to go to the sporting good store for a couple of hours just for me.
I can't say anything about the banking account. My wife has hers and I have mine. And we share one. Her checks go into her account and mine go into mine. We share an account mainly to pay bills. But the individual accounts are simply that. Individual.(it works for us)
He may say that you blame him for everything and that's why he feels like he has to lie to you.
Since he is away use the time to reflect on the things you know he has lied about write them down and do not make it out to be an all out personal attack. Just simply tell him you want some honesty. And that you want to work things out with out fighting about it. Have him write out his reply. Then write down what you expect,would like to happen and ideas how to improve your relationship. And then have him reply in writing. Sounds like its childish. But it will keep you from screaming and fighting. And its in writing. So there is nothing he can lie about with out it being put back in his lap in his own hand writing.
Then you will see why he feels the need to lie. And both of you can start to make changes. If the lies don't stop let him know you will leave him at that point. Remember if you approach it like you want to work things out and not attack him over these lies. He wont feel like he has to get all defensive and lie more.

hogtyd

All relationships are built on trust and honesty. It seems you have neither. Time to consider ending this unhealthy relationship as it will not work this way.

Jane Marple

Ask yourself is he lying because he can never find your approval? Example would you have let him go to Florida just to watch a football game? if not then you got your answer why he lied.

He lied about his mom career, no big deal, he just wanted to impress you.

The bank account, no big deal, specially it's empty. When I get married do you think I'm gonna show all my bank accounts to my new husband? no way, I'm entitled to some privacy and so your husband.

He tells you <you blame him for everything>. Listen to him! he's telling you why he's been lying, are you listening?

astutewoman

He sounds pathological -- these are not small white lies... you will not change him - your love is not going to overpower his need to lie...

You have no idea what you are missing..an open, honest relationship where there is mutual trust and respect...

Give yourself a chance to have that...

If you are not ready to leave him (and people have many reasons for staying in horrible relationships).. then at least start opening your own bank accounts, telling him less, and slowly pulling away... you are teaching your son what love and relationships are about... and right now, you are teaching him lying and keeping secrets is ok --- and being a doormat is acceptable. So, will he grow up like dad - lying to women... or will he grow up like mom, accepting lies from women?

kittykat

Start worrying about taking care of yourself. Get your affairs in order. Open a checking account for yourself and your son. Save as much money as you can. When you stop being so forthcoming with your questions and answers toward him, he just might take notice. If he does or doesn't either way, you are beginning to focus on you and taking care of yourself which obviously he isn't doing.

caraohara

I think it is going to be very hard for your relationship to get back to any sort of normality. For a marriage/relationship to work , there has to be trust...sadly there is no trust with this man . If he is not willing to talk about this problem ...then you really don't have much of a chance of getting the marriage to work. So you need to ask yourself " can I live with these lies. If you can't , then there is nothing else to do ..but divorce him. Don't make having a child the reason you stay with him...this will not be healthy for your child. Better to come from a broken home ..then to live in a broken home.

the only thing that follows 'lying' that's acceptable is an 'ex' before 'husband'.
so make the sentence right. lying - ex - husband.

Jane

he needs help that you cant give him. tell him to go or you will leave him.

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