What unrealistic expectations of marriage do couples have and how can they overcome them?

aussiebadgurl

I think one of the biggest things overlooked in a marriage by people is that they assume their partner will not change. The real truth is that the person you're with will evolve naturally and you have to be willing to understand this and recognise it so that your relationship evolves as well. It's like a relationship has tides... It's hard; it gets easy; it gets fun again. What's hard for most people to sustain is an ideal that their relationship should be perfect. That's ridiculous. What's fantastic about marriage is getting through the ups and downs with the same person, and looking across the room and saying, 'I'm still here. And I still love you.' You re-meet, reconnect. You have marriages within marriages within the broader scope of your relationship. But society has made the concept of wanting to work at your relations a total taboo. We raise our eyebrows at people who seek out marriage counselling. We question the value of commitment. It's unfortunate, but we live in a very disposable society. Those moments where it looks like "this isn't working it's time for me to leave"- those are the most important, trans-formative moments. Most couples draw up divorce papers when they're missing out on an amazing moment of deepening and enlightenment and connection. I just think we all need to be more prepared to WORK. Too many of us forgive in spite of love. In my relationship with my partner, we forgive each other BECAUSE of it.

nwnativeprincess

that being married is a peice of cake, it is not it's a lot of hard work, commitment, communication, and sacrifices. on both parts.

Middlefinger!

ALL of the issues need to be discussed in the courtship-days; that way, no one will feel surprised or ambushed when the actualy marriage begins.

tysavage2001

Keep this in mind .. if you think that marriage will change a persons style of living ..you are kidding yourself. If he goes out drinking with his mates .. and not calling .. that won't change just because he gets married. A person doesn't change like magic just because they are married. Forget about that happening. What you see is what you get . Good Luck! :)

silverstreak1717

I think that couples expect things to be wonderful. They expect to be the model couple and often women expecially believe the man will be more committed. I think that the main way to overcome the unrealistic expectations of mariage is to communicate your needs while dating and know what the other partner needs. Until you have each other's needs down pat and each person is happy with all aspects of the relationship, there should be no talk of marriage.

davbig2

dont worry about what they ask you to do on home and away ,any guy that had you as a partner would be at your beck and call and would treat you like a princess,,,,,i know i would cos you look absolutely stunning,,,,,,,,oh and alf is your uncle

Sohed

To disbelieve that marriage would be a cakewalk is the beginning of wisdom.

There is this particular point just before the marriage where every one, he or she, must stop being emotionally (romantically) attached to the fiancÃ©(e) and rather approach things practically analyzing likes, dislikes, aspirations, so on to go ahead only if things cling together and part otherwise.

Emotional involvement that eclipses inconsistencies at this point would kill a marriage. Romance alone, that overlooks the practical aspects, cannot save a marriage.

Ibrahim

people tend to believe that when they get married, nothing will change in their relationship status. However nothing is further from the truth.
For some reason one or both partners may try to change the other into something they are not. The fact that Jack would look upon marriage as nothing more than a change in status is common. I mean nobody complained during the courtship, so why change.
Problems arise when a partners feelings of insecurity take over from the realities. So they try to change their partner into what they feel is their ideal, until they become clones, emotionaly and mentaly of the dominant partner. Five years down the line they look at the person who has changed and say, "You're not the person I married."
They have become you, with your likes and dislikes, no life of their own. Your friends are his/hers. Love turns to possession, he/she starts to resent the interferance in their lifestyle because love has turned into a power trip.
The dominant one uses the threat of seperation or the witholding of physical and verbal contact, as a weapon to control their partner, and it works, because by now he/she has become totaly dependant, emotionaly, mentaly and physicaly on the controller.
I sometimes think that many script writers, albeit good at their trade, have no real understanding of the true factors that make up human nature and relationship issues.
As a performer, I believe in the saying, "You have to live the Blues, to sing the Blues" or in this case, write about life. And in this case I have lived it.

sammyy

When you get married things shouldn't have to change- you should have a high commitment to each other before you even decide to get married, then when you do its just a formal proceeding to legalise your commitment...only things should change when you decide to have kids. When you get married you should both be able to go out and have fun and working pays the bills.

sandra_s

well hello there this is my first time doin this stuff... ok i kno nuthin about marriage coz im not even close to the age of gettin married but im gonna answer on what ive seen generally...1 sec phone rings. unrealistic expectations in marriage these days is the wife wants to take over her husbands life because they think they should be the special ones in the relationship especially in home and away with martha and jack is that martha thinks jack has to spend 24/7 with her. ok i admit jack hasn't been spending much time with her which is rong.but he has been tryig to make it up to martha..but martha just slams it bak in his face.. jack is working for their future and martha shud stop complaining because she is the one who wants kids and to be happy and jack is working towards that by working hard to get good money.. its rong if jack goes to have a few drinks with mates if martha is expecting him for dinner but she shouldn't over react like her whole life is over and what pisses me off most is that martha is saying jack is the one walking away from this marriage shes a hypocrite coz wen he wanted to start fresh and do things more comprimisingly (if thata a word) she wudn't even want to try, kno who the one walking away. my conclusion is.... jack should start spending more time with martha and put her before his career and martha should be more flexible and not soo stuborn and strict. thankyou for reading until my next entry goodbye to all of you p.s. martha sorry for being so hard on you

wollemi_pine_writer

some myths that people usually carry into marriage are:

a) s/he knows what I want, need, and like
b) s/he doesn't give me what I want just because s/he can't be bothered or because s/he has fallen out of love with me
c) women are good housekeepers, and want to raise children
d) men are good at earning money, mowing lawns, and playing sports
e) s/he knows what peeves me and does it to annoy me
f) women let themselves go after marriage
g) men should be romantic to prove they love women

the way to overcome any kind of preconceived idea is through open communication......

One interesting phenonmen I have personally seen many times over is.......
that when a woman is single she is solely in charge of where her money is spent and can choose to spend money on things like clothes and makeup.... once married her man often whines about the cost of clothes and makeup being an extravagance... and the woman can tone down the spending on these things to please the man..... only to find later that he is displeased that she no longer looks after herself like she used to...

the problem as i see it is that couples spend more time planning their wedding than they do their marriage.
if they sat down and really talked about their goals as a married couple, they would reveal more of themselves to each other.

masamiad

People should not think of marriage as a lifestyle change. You should basically have the same relationship before and after marriage. If someone does not respect you beforehand you should wait until they do or don't marry them. You cannot expect a magic change in anyone, man or woman. Life is full of gradual changes as we learn, there is no switch that we can just flick to do this.

Kiki J

Jodie you have to think Jack is only used to looking and careing for one person it is a big change. Jodie you have to cut him some slack and try not to blow up at him all the time. Find a nice quiet moment to talk things through. Many couples have problems you just have to well move back in and have a big holiday (another honey moon that dosen't lead in mama Rose in it) Jack is trying his best to take time off work. If i where you i would go back to Jack and talk for a while but it won't be easy with Robbie and Tasha leaving summer bay. hope this works

Abbey

Well i think yes, Jack was workin far to much, but he is a gr8 guy And Martha ur lucky to hav him. When u guys broke up i cried (and every night u fight i cry) u r the best couple and plz stay together.
Jodi- i sent u a letter 2 wks ago plz reply if u got it

Thanx Abbey Scott
P:S Jodi and Paul r the best (i hav pics of u both everywh

Vicki T

Couples now expect the other partner to adapt to married life straight away, It cannot happen overnight, these things take time and understanding, most of all patience, which very few young one have these days, when they are married it is completely different to being single, there has to be compromise on both sides and couples these days are not willing to stick it out and work things out, the first thing that goes wrong they split, it is just a bit harder for the man to settle than the woman, both parties will continually make mistakes that will arritate the other, that is life, no 2 people can live in the one home peacefully at all times, after all when you marry , your personality doesnt cease to exist neither does your partners, Compromise, compromise,work it out dont just leave accept that your partner isnt perfect. neither are you

railz

have trust,faith in each other cos if u dont well ur just gonna be borin feellin me ya...?

hallam_blue

I'm not sure exactly what the unrealistic expectations are, but I'm sur ethere are many. There is, though, a simple solution to them all. Don't get married!

Mr Math

Sigh. In first marriages/de facto relationships, people tend to act out the roles they saw their parents act out. John Gottman's research "Mathematics of Marriage" shows that how couples' argue determines how long a marriage will last.

Open relationships are an option. Real ones though. In the 40 something group of friends my first wife moved in, it was common practice to have "arrangements" - husband and wife would agree have affairs but not tell the other, until they found someone that they wanted to move out with. Mental torture for me - so I asked her to leave.

Of course, the assumption is that a couple is the only option. Polyamory arrangements - group relationships - is another option, that in my experience works much better than couples.

Hal W

The most unrealistic expectation is that a spouse is the fulfilment of all emotional needs or that you, as the spouse, will be the total fulfilment of someone's emotional needs.

People remain individuals, and to expect them to become the blank canvass on to which you can project all your fantasies and hangups is fatal. They aren't toys you can just make to live in your dream world.

The fiction that romantic love conquers all is closely related to the fiction of your spouse being an emotional panacea. Love might help (and lust can play its part too), but if two people (the current fashion in marriage - not the one most common in history) are to stay together they have to remain meaningful to each other throughout life. This probably means the relationship will change over time - the hopes and desires of the people involved will change. So marriage has to be an adventure, a voyage into the unknown - not a quick cruise around the Mediterranean.

bammbamm

It is a two way street. U have 2 give as much as take. Communication is imperative in all relationships. I wish Martha and Jack were still together. I hope they work it out. They r a great couple.

Mitch

Hi Jodi,

thanks for the question for starters.
These days I think that if anyone goes into marriage thinking that It will last forever then theres something wrong with them, nothing lasts forever and this includes marriages now days.

thanks Jodi.

Mitch
Launceston, Tas

lil missy

i think the number one expectation from the newly weds is that they are going to make each other sooooo happy...lovely idea, but at the end of the day, you cant make anyone else happy unless you are happy with yourself. i dont watch the show, but usually people who are like that have more issues with themselves than they do with other people...they also take it out on the people closest to them unfortunately....shame but true.xx

jess

couples are expected to give up their whole life and friends for their partner...
they should discuss it witout anger and they should always tlak about it!
love jess

maeva

Unrelalistic expectations within marriage, that you or your partner are mind readers, talk everything out, expect to have disagreements and come up with a way where you both win, compromise. And remember that you are meant to be with your best friend, if you don't speak or treat your mates/best friends in the way that you treat your spouse, better take a good look at yourself. Set your standards and what you expect before you walk down the aisle. Marriage doesn't stop when you say 'I do", that is when it really starts, it is about constant negotiation.
Don't be afraid to ask for help or learn about communication or relationships.

Kirk_84

Firstly Jodi, I'm from England and I LOVE Home and Away, but you've just ruined the plot!! We are at the point where you (Martha) and Jack are planning your wedding!
I think the expectations are excatly has Home and Away have portrayed them. The reasons you said that Martha and Jack split up are excatly the reasons that deter me from marrying my boyfriend.
I want commitment, obviously I don't mind if he goes out but I want to know that I am his "everything" and I don't come second to the pub or the football!
I think that couples just need to be considerate of each other. It's all about give and take and sometimes doing things you don't want to.
I think that you are a fantastic actress and although it's Australian and I'm not, Home and Away is the best soap on TV!

stevebrit2004

I think it is unrealistic of people to instantly change once married. Both parties still need a certain amount of freedom, it is good for the longevity of the marriage, whilst showing and respecting the other persons feelings at all times, trust has a huge part to play.

sweetmeat147

Marriage is all about compromise.Both partners have got to realise that they can't both have things going their way.They should try to reach a middle point and meet each other half way.
Both parties should communicate their wishes to each other and find a solution to suit both of them.Again the main thing is
"COMPROMISE"

physandchemteach

1) People think that once they are married that they don't have to work at the relationship anymore. In fact, married people have to work harder to keep the relationship going. They must deal with the day-to-day issues of living together and still find a way to keep the spouse feeling like they are the only person in the world meant to be to with them.

2) Communication is the most important skill to keep a marriage going. You must be able to discuss things with your spouse without getting into a fight every time. You have to make plans together for all the things you want in a family, in the future, or just what color to paint the bed room. Communication skills must be practiced. Never ever bring up an issue from the past when discussing something new. The past is over and its time to resolve things and move on.

3) Let your spouse know how much you love them, and let them know how much you appreciate everything they do. Keep doing little things for them to make them feel special. Make coffee for you spouse each morning and carry it to them in bed to wake them up. Its a wonderful way to start your day.

Fifi Peanutz

Martha and Jack just haven't had the chance to be together properly due to all the horrendous things that have occured in the bay they should both sit down and 'talk' and decide on some time to go on a nice long honeymoon....they are both strong, proud and stubborn

Aeris

I find it interesting that none of the "answers" mention the more intimate level, and also the goings on behind closed bedroom doors, of a couple.. I can't quote this, but I have a psychology student friend who stated that the "in-love" or "lovey dovey" stage of a relationship usually only lasts for up to 3 years. I believe this in some sense, but I would not imagine that a marriage that's been working for 30 years would stop these feelings totally. Where I think a marriage fails is when man or woman expects the beginning of a relationship (the first few years) to continue be the same 10 years later. After these first few years, I believe, a relationship needs to develop another kind of love - which, to me, is stronger, more beautiful, and more powerful than the first stages of a relationship, even though the first stages are fun.

Unfortunately, in this era of media, a lot of us have been mislead, and think we should be "in-love" for the entirety of a marriage. And when this feeling fades, we doubt if we're living the right life, or have chosen the right path. The media also leads our minds astray into physical temptation, thinking we can or should be getting more. If we all thought we should be with someone with the looks of a super model, or famous movie star, then there would be a lot of people in this world with no one.

Also, because of this world we live in where we can get what we want, when we want it, how we want it, we have become quite selfish. If you're unsure about this, look back 50-200 years and research the quality of lifestyle compared to now. We often live in our own apartments, or when we do live with other people, we move out after a while because we don't get along (not in all cases of course!). We like to live our own lifestyles too! We have so much given to us on a silver platter. How does this relate to a marriage? Well, as we all know, it takes two to make a marriage work. As has been said already, there needs to be a lot of give and take when two people decide to spend their lives together, and how can we give when we want things to be our way so much? And it's not about either the man or woman having to do particular things, because each relationship is different, and the people in them have different needs and desires. What if a woman liked to work on cars? Would she have no place in a marriage?

There a many aspects of a relationship people need to consider before getting married. We need to realise that while love is that amazing feeling you get when you've just met someone and the sparks are flying, it is also that feeling of sitting on the grass in the back yard laughing about memories shared.

There are others, but I'm tired...

The closest thing to perfect is change. The next closest thing is you my love...

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