What wrong with NOT taking my husbands last name?

Susa

I'm siding with you on this one. Unfortunately, there are so many close-minded people today, especially most men (which includes yours), that are still living in the 19th century. Have you given him a specific reason why you want to keep your name? For instance, I can see you wanting to keep your name because you ARE a dentist. Now, that's many years of schooling, and I admire that. It wouldn't make sense to change your name to his for him to get all the credit. Plus, I'm sure you have many patients. Most of the women doctors/dentists I've known have kept their names. Less confusing for patients.

One of my co-workers changed his name to his wife's because she's the last in her line. I thought that was quite honorable of him. You may have to be sly on this one in order to get him on your side. Here's an idea. Tell him you'll change your name if he changes his name as well. That could be way of combining names, hyphenating your names together, or even coming up with a new name. If he says he won't do that, inform him you'll be keeping your name. Afterall, you ARE a dentist.

Peter Pry

Nothing is wrong with it.

Why not pick a totally new name, and both change?

happysmileyperson

there is nothing wrong with that! stand up for what you believe in! i totally agree with you, i dont think it should matter what your last name is as long as you love eachother. you should tell him the reason why you want to keep your name, maybe then he will understand.

Rmf

You really can do whatever you like! I admire the fact you actually know what you want to do. I'm in a quandry trying to decide if I'll change my name when I get married again or not. Leaning towards not. I did in my first marriage and I kinda feel like I lost my identity a bit, mind you he was a little controlling.... new man isn't at all. I even feel like I may want any children we have to have my surname. He already has 2 with his, my ex has 1 with his, my surname is different and I will be the last of the line if we don't continue it. My man doesn't like that idea BUT it is 2008, is it not????

Melissa Zombie.

What don't you guess choose a different last name? Neither yours, or his.

teenie

I guess he isn't sure if you will let him wear the pants in the family. Or maybe he is worried your gonads are bigger then his.

J.J.

Nothing.. I've been married three times and I have NEVER changed my name.

There's nothing wrong with keeping your name. He should worry more about what you think that about what his friends think.

TheSlink!

Really, I agree with you. There is nothing wrong with it. I also think you are also correct, that this is left over from a time when women were considered their husband's property. I am not sure, if you had asked him why he can't accept it. If it's something dealing with his ego and masculinity, then he is more concerned with himself than he is with you. Maybe if you had him confront this issue, he may realize what is more important, like you in his life, and not his own identity.

Jill L

I think you should ask him to take your name. You obviously will lead the marriage and he needs to understand he is in a secondary role. He needs to be happy you have chosen him and do whatever it takes to show his love for you. After all you didn't spend all those years in college to be "under" a man that couldn't achieve as much as you. He should be kissing you feet...

alear87

it's not a bad thing at all, you are probably an independant person.

piscean

it is not a big deal at all. There is no need for that anymore. It is he, who has the problem. If isn't seen as a bad thing by mostg young people, but men still feel like women are their "prize", so they want to claim her. Don't give in. It really has not significance to the importance of life at large.

Love, Mona

I kinda agree. I took a womans studies course last year and we discussed how the tradition of a man taking a womans last name, was because she no longer belonged to her father, and the change in name signified her husband now owned her, its true. Now a days people try to say if signifies the union of one, but that is not at all how it was intended to be. Why can't he take your last name? I think he is the selfish one.
Best of luck! Stick to your guns...

La LAtInA <3333

why can't he take YOUR name, if he thinks it's all about 2 becoming one, tel him to prove it and take your last name instead ;-)

Waz

Hi,

Times are changing and society is becoming more accepting of women keeping there surname. If you choose to keep your surname it should be because your proud of who you are and what it means to you to keep your own identity.

It obviously means a lot to your husband, but have you sat down and asked him directly why it's so important your surname be the same? My personally opinion is simply - as long as we are together I don't care what her surname is. But that's just me, because there are far more important things to worry about than a surname. Now, in situations like yours the feelings run a lot deeper. If you truly feel you want to keep your surname - then tell your husband how important it is to you. All the best.

Adric S

My wife never took my name, initially it wasn't a big deal. It's more about respect than anything else. I wish she did though.

I personally dislike the hyphenated name though. Pick a name, yours or his.

No Picture

I didn't take my husband's last name either. But our kids only have his last name, I had no problem with that.
I have spent years building up my name in my field to the point that people knew me 'by name' only. He understood this and didn't mind. I have both names on my passport though, I travel with my kids a lot.
It seems it means a lot to both of you, as a matter of principle.
If you love each other, you can find a compromise.
Keep your name but the kids only keep his? Don't keep your name but the kids' get hyphenated? One of you give in for this issue and the other gives in for another?
As the Beatles say, Yoou can woork it oout!

greenwood_guy

It makes it a lot harder for genealogists in the future.

MyMarriageRocks

You do have every right to keep your last name that is a fact. You also have the option to drop your middle name and keep your last name & add his last name.

You sound like a serious feminist and I can be to at times. If your not taking his last name because you think it means you are his property then your relationship sounds sorta rocky? Or your being a bit dramatic. If your husband loves you and respects you then you shouldn't have a problem taking his last name. Infact you should be proud! I think it's romantic and most men don't take their wives last name sorry that is just not how it works.

Do what you want but don't expect him to take your last name. If you are not going to budge then keep your last name and be done with it. Yeah your soon to be husband may be cranky or feel less of a man but if that is how you want to start off your marriage it's your life.

Straight-Up Gangsta

Hyphenated names are really GAY ...

... you can go ahead and keep your name, he can keep his ...

but either give the kid the dad's last name or make your last name the kid's middle name or something ... don't do the hypenated stuff ... looks sooooooo stupid.

James B

there is nothing wrong with that but what if u had child would u give it your last name or your husband's

Maddzie

Its not about being some one property... Its just ann official way of the union you two are having... I think its no big deal to keep your name either some people have really bad last names so thery choose to keep there4 own. But i think the reason your not doing it is a bit dramatic.. Im all for female rights. But if the only reason ur not changing it is because u dont wnat to be his property is a little bit silly. We're in the 21st century we all know women are not menpropertyyt... Well in Australia anyways. Is it really worth not speaking to the man u marry? Ur not even married yet and its like its amusing he hasnt spoken to you yet "lol"... I dunno im all for individuality but no one is a mans property wether you marry them or not

Peter N

Would you sign a pre-up saying that you won't take nothing but what you came into the marriage with in? After all, since you say you don't believe in the whole "property" thing.

Curious Sees Red

It seems to be very important to your future husband that you take his name. How important is it to you to keep your own? When my BF finishes school, he wants to marry me and I will face this same question. In this day and age, it's not about being his property...it's about being one family. So why his name and not yours? If he ever talks to you again, get him to explain why he feels so strongly about it. Hard to give a more specific answer unless we know why he feels that way.

Songbird

I personally think you are trying to prove a point that has been proven long ago. We know we are not the property of men and if you are with a modern man then he knows it too! My boyfriend doesn't for a second think he owns me and I don't own him but we have discussed marriage and I will take his name because I think it's a beautiful tradition and symbolises our union and the beginning of a family if we have children. I would be proud to have his name and he would be proud for me to take it! I personally think hyphenated names are a bit ridiculous. What if your child (example Smith-Jones) marries someone with a hyphenated name (Murphy-Taylor) and they have a child? Will its surname be Smith-Jones-Murphy-Taylor?

Having said all that you should do what you want. That's just my opinion.

bindysdogs

The new women of today do not want to give up their rights. Part of their rights are not giving in to the jungle man. Me Tarzan ....You Jane
syndrome.
Like many customs and traditions in modern society, male before female is Biblically based. In Genesis, God creates Adam first and from Adamâ€™s rib, his companion Eve. Adam and Eve together become a new entity, the couple:

Gen 21-25
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. TOP

Even though last names did not exist until this past millennium, Verse 24 signifies the primary meaning of a woman taking a manâ€™s name.

da_hal

sure, keep your own name if you don't love him.

redhead27

First of all, I don't agree with what you said that:
"The reason taking the mans last name came about was because the women were thought to be men's property"

I don't think so... you both become one, you share a last name and it is a matter of honor, respect and tradition. You are honoring your husband and becoming one by sharing a last name.

Rather than making him come up with reasons to change your name, why don't you give him a "good enough" reason why you shouldn't take his last name.... why is it such a big deal?

If you are that prude that you refuse to take your husbands last name, you are not only disrespecting him but his family as well.. its his family name..

I guarantee, if you are not even married yet and you cannot get past this it will never end and he will be mad about it for a long long long time.

find a way to move past this and understand and come to a compromise otherwise this will be held over your head for eternity

Armored Saint

If he said because he;s the man..well you dont have to do anything
pre-nup: i hate this as anyone who signing for this knows that the relationship wont last so you might as well not marry.
maybe you nboth need to think this over because if this is a big deal i cant imagine whats in store for your future.
(well i can see whats in store) D-I-V-O-R-C-E

you say its about becoming one.
why not one last name (wat r ur childern going to think)
did you think of that..sounds selfish to me.
dont get me wrong im always for the childern because this will effect them.
think this marriage over both of you.

Good Luck !!

C H

Taking his last name is out of respect of your future husband. Marriage is becoming one meaning one last name. I wouldn't want my husband to have taken my last name cause then he would look like a sissy and not the "man" of the family. If you do decided to keep your name don't make your children have 2 last names. They wont understand when they are younger why.

Michael B

What's sad is that you are willing to put him through the humiliation. You're a bit self centered. Marriage happens to be about the other person. Taking his last name would help you get started on the right foot. Everyone needs premarital counseling. I highly suggest it. You need to sort this out. You know if you're really wanting to become as one, how about one last name. Do you really think you'll last in any relationship if you can't give on something this common. Feminist principles will do nothing for you. Feminists don't need men (until there's a strange noise outside) . Your desire to feel in control all the time will destroy your marriage. Again, get good counseling.

Wildwombat

Im getting married soon to a man that I have been with for 15 years and we have 2 kids. Our children both have his last name and I think that thats the way it should be (for us) but I cant let go of my last name entirely so my name will be my first, middle, my last and then his last. Its not that I dont want his last name, I just dont want to lose mine. My Father died when I was 2 and that is all that I have ever had from him. So I will still be me with a bonus of a part of my Husband. I want my Husbands name, just dont want to lose mine. I am just as proud of it as he is of his. I Love when ppl call me Mrs. (his surname) and I will go by that. I am proud to be his Wife and I KNOW that he is my soulmate but I am keeping my name and adding his. I dont see whats wrong with that especially if ppl call me by his surname. They have been doing it for years. I am proud of both and answer to both.

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