Who comes first, you spouse or your children?

Gaynor

If the wife and kids should disagree and I really donâ€™t agree with her I say "weâ€™ll discuss it later" giving me time to discuss it with her in private. Iâ€™m a lucky man, as my wife will listen to what I have to say an I will listen to her ideas and we actually have a nice civilized discussion about the issue. However, if at the end of it all if we still disagree I will make the final decision and she will honor that. I would NEVER dishonor my wife by taking the side of our children in public or in front of the children. Of course, if my decision was the wrong one itâ€™s her right, no her duty to tell me "I told you so".

The "why" part is easy, my wife is literally my other half "flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone". She deserves and receives my full 100% support. In actuality itâ€™s usually my wife giving me the signal that an issue needs to be discussed when one of our kids decide to assert some independence and argue with me. Again, we will have our private discussion then I may or may not change my position. I think a parent and child "ganging up" on the other parent is totally unacceptable and demonstrates a serious weakness in the family structure.

no1advice

Pot stirer Jonathon,

Who comes first: Spouse. The kids will leave and go on to live their own lives with their own spouses & kids so hubby is first.

Forget about the gun question.

On the argument no question I will take the spouse's side. A married couple should aways stay in unison together or the kids will conquer them. Married people should stay simpatico always.

I get to be the one in charge of the remote control. That's as close to a gun as I can go LOL.

Iâ™¥Karma

I chose my child 1st, while he chose his mistress 1st. That is why i filed for divorced.

mish

This is not a black/white issue.

Children should often come first, but not always. In the scenarios you describe, I would chose a child over a spouse in a life or death situation. However, if it is a family argument, I think the parents should be united in what they BOTH decide is best for the child. It is important that children see you and your spouse as a united front that cannot be broken up.

Dude

I'm not sure. There are some days when the kids just gotta go. The wife makes a mean Spinach dip! Bada bing.

1234

if smb is holding a gun at my head and ask me to choose I CHOOSE TO DIE. ME. not any of them. and in my family there is no arguing between children and parents - whatever i say is the law. my husband cos he is not the father of my children HAS NO SAY. NOT BIOLOGICAL PARENTS MUST NOT DISCIPLINE SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILDREN. cos disciplining someone else's children is wrong on so many levels. if he ever wants to nag on them i politely ask him to shut the f''k up - i do not nag at his biological children. neither i criticize them. but the bottom line to everything is: IF I COULD CHOOSE I WOULD CHOOSE TO LIVE ALONE. by alone i mean not married.

Raymond

Easy, children!

Deb

I always put my children first because as an adult a partner can rationalise situations. I

cutely

BUT, you asked a couple of different reasonings.

If my child and my spouse are fighting and put me in the middle, I HAVE to side with the spouse. United front, you know. You don't want your kids playing the "which parent to ask" game. If the parents are not in agreement and one gives permission for something the other cannot abide, then the parents have a problem and are going to be fighting. If you're not sure what the other spouse feels, table the request from the kid until you have time to discuss it with the spouse. The parents have to be on the same page. THEN, after siding with the spouse for the sake of the family unit, you can suggest compromises or alternatives that benefit both parties involved in the initial conflict. Perhaps this involves the parents having a private discussion first and then bringing the child back in.

However, if someone had a gun and it was my spouse or my child that lived (or myself) I would choose to let the child live. The parents are grown, they've had a chance to live. The child deserves that chance also. I'm not sure one could live with the knowledge that they let their child die. We're not supposed to outlive our children, bringing about one's death would probably destroy one's ability to function.

Maurine

You railroaded me into one or the other, and I'll defend it - but my FAMILY comes first, and that includes all of us. We find ways to get to win/win.

Firstly, in the argument case, I'd support my spouse. Marriage renders us one flesh, so going against her is like arguing with myself. We've agreed to present the children with a reliable, united front. We will not allow ourselves to played off against each other. If the two of us have to walk away later and hash things out between ourselves, so be it - but the kids get a single answer they can rely on.

Secondly, if you had a gun to my family - you're dead, not them. I'm a better shot a more prepared, and I choose the bad guy to die - not anyone in my family. The fact is, I can't live without any of them, and I sure wouldn't choose. I can and would obliterate anyone who put me in a position where I was supposed to be forced to make a choice.

Sorry, you get no Kobiashi Maru from me, I reprogrammed the simulation. ;-) Rate me as you will, but my answer as given is the one I live by.

One of a Kind

children

The Big 'O'

everyone comes before that ho, but no one comes before meh girls!

Sara

Kids

Well if someone is holding a gun to you head it should be your kids come first. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I would imagine that your spouse would do the same. Save your kids before yourself.

As far as fighting goes it depends. If there are big arguments going on then you may have some other issues to deal with. If its just things like clean your room you should be siding with our spouse. You should talk with them without the kids around. You both need to have a clear understanding of how your going to deal with any problems going on. Whether or not you agree with your spouse you both need to talk without the kids around and compromise. You cannot fight about how to discipline your children in front of them, they will never take you seriously.

The bottom line is when it comes to life or death you save your kids first. When it comes to discipline you need to talk with your spouse and come to an agreement before confronting your children about their behavior

Lesa

Children.

If there was an argument, I would ask to listen to both sides then decide who to side with.

JMiller

SPOUSE! I have learned the hard way. Both my marriage to my ex-spouse and my boyfriend's marriage to his ex-spouse ended due to neglect. Our children would have much preferred we had placed the marriage first and not got to the point where it deteriorated and lead to divorce. By putting your spouse first, you are in an odd way also putting your children's best interests first. I know that sounds odd, but they feel more secure knowing they have united parents devoted to each other. Together, you can prioritize your children's needs and tackle any problems that come your way: TOGETHER. If the marriage is strong then the whole family will be strong. Your children will thank you for it!

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