Who do you love more, your children or your spouse? I worry about having kids because I am very jealous?

EVERYONE I know talks about how much love they have for their children, how happy they make them, how it's the whole world and they want to be a better person.
I REFUSE to ever, ever have kids if that's the case. I would not mind, having children with the one I love, I actually really really want to but I hate this mentality.
Yes, I know the unconditional, beautiful protective and heartwrenching love I'll have for my child, that's great. But I can have more kids, I can't replace myself. I don't want to have kids, ever if they love our babies more than me.
I do not want my potential spouse to think badly of me though, or think I'm trying to keep them from having kids. I'm not. I just want all of that beautiful, mind-blowing love to be more for me.
I have to be loved first, and they will be loved first.

I don't know if this is selfishness or jealousy but I deem this to be right. And I have insecurity. What kind of marriage is that if my love loves the kids more? I MADE those kids, I HAD those kids, I'm raising those kids, without me you never GOT those children!!!!!!!!!
I know if you have a lot of children you tend to love your husband/wife more.
If you have 1 or 2 it's usually your babies.

I don't feel that I can give that without recieving. I cannot give full love to my child knowing that my husband or wife favors them over me.

Is there something wrong with me? Is it okay to feel this way? Do I just know myself or do I have to go to great lengths to fix this about me?
Additional Details
I think it just takes a different type a person, a special type of person. Someone that cares more that they're getting married to me than the fact that I can't dance with them at their wedding properly. It's the majority of these answers that make me think why the hell would I be getting married, OBVIOUSLY my spouse wouldn't care about me that much anyway! I need someone that thinks differently, I think. Hearing "My children are everything I would put them before my husband/wife they are my whole life" is not the right type of person for me. If someone exists that sees me and our love as their whole life and a child as an extension of them and me I think I might be fine.. (and not need counceling? Jesus) Someone that views ME as their whole life, I guess and the thing to fight for. Someone that's not selfish, and not normal.
Someone that can to me.

Kelly

He's right it's wrong to love someone over someone else if they important. You should love your kids but should be in love with your spouse. Not the reverse. You made a commitment between two people and god and out of that love you got kids how then could you love your kids more over the person who made those kids possible. That's not being selfish it's call being fair. Your suppose to love everyone cause your a family. Yes you have to think about that because so many people think you have to give your kids all the love you have. You don't. Your kids have their place in your heart and so does your spouse they can't replace the spouse part cause that is wrong. You cannot be in love with children because only a man and woman can. So many people love their kids more than their spouse and they expect a healthy relationship. Love is love. It is different but it's not more than the other. People don't get what your saying. When you have children you might as well divorce and marry them. Kids aren't god they are to be taken care of that's all. You cannot love your kids more than god because he's the creator of them. He made them. So you cannot love your kids more than the person who help brought them in existence. Why is it just this century that acts like this. People been having kids and if they acted like this the world would end. It's wrong to love one person over the other.

Katie M

Don't have children. You are not ready and you may never be ready. It's ok to feel this way as long as you don't bring some poor innocent child into the world. Infants and children are more demanding than they are giving so you're not going to be a happy camper. Just stay childless.
btw, the love between a husband and wife is 100% different than the love one feels for their children. I love my children and I love my husband but it's a different type of love.

orla

Well its a different kind of love but the same intensity. You will know once you have kids.

townes

You're overanalyzing. Love for children is different than love for a spouse, and it's not like you have to choose one over the other. They're both very important.

If it makes you feel better, when they hit puberty, they will drive you pretty crazy, and you'll rate higher with your spouse if you're keeping score. I just don't understand the notion of keeping score.

~Charity~

I agree with the first person. You shouldn't have children. You seem to be a very selfish person. In my marriage my husband and I always put the kids first. In order to put the kids first we had to work on our relationship and make time for us alone, without them. Without a good relationship we weren't doing our kids any favors. So..in short...our marriage was a priority and our children benefited from that. But you my dear seem to be too possessive and probably shouldn't have kids. Sorry.

Dragonfly Girl

There is no way I could say that I love one or the other "more." They are different types of love and both very deep and solid. We don't play favoritism around here. All you need to do to avoid this being an issue is to have a discussion about it when you're in a serious long-term relationship with someone. Make sure you're with someone who has the same beliefs and feelings as you do, before you get married and have kids. Many people believe that the spouse comes first... that they're the ones who will be there when the kids are grown, and the kids need to see a solid unbreakable relationship as a good example for their own lives.

Mark H

You have issues and you shouldn't have kids until you are able to separate the love you have for a spouse from the love you have for children. I'd give my own life for my children. You don't have to feel the same way, though you probably shouldn't have kids until you get past the mindset that "I can have more kids, I can't replace myself." In the unlikely event that you lose a child, you do not replace the child by having another. That is a very odd and cold way to view a child, as though the child can be replaced. You should talk to a psychiatrist/counselor/therapist about what you think love between a spouse and children should be. I have bad news for you, that "beautiful, mind-blowing love" you think you will get from and give to your spouse won't last for long. We all love our spouses, but the intense "in love" feeling usually doesn't last. It comes and it goes, ebbs and flows.

PS, "I deem this to be right"? Get over yourself. You can decide it is right for you, good luck finding a mate that wants children that will accept that from a partner.

$0.02 REMAINS

Get a dog or a cat instead.

You are too selfish for children, but at least you have the smarts to admit it before having them.

Sister Silky

one cant correctly answer that question because the love for a child is different than the love for a spouse. a child is a part of you, a blessing and a miracle and love is the only way to ensure that child is going to be raised well.

is your partner ignoring you a lot? are they showing signs they dont love you anymore? if not, then why worry and if so, its nothing that a friendly simple sit down and talking to wont fix.

im not going to sit here and call you selfish or anything because we all have our reasons for acting a certain way, but you should really address these issues to the spouse.
even with a new baby, an older sibling will become insanely jealous and even resorts back to infantile behaviours to grab attention.
the only way to reassure the child is to explain to them that there is a member in the family now who needs more care at this time...its not love that isnt being shared, its care. and right now, the kids need it more than you. you are grown and raised, right now, their lives depend on it.

turn it around and make it positive...there are so many parents out there that skip out on the kids all together and to have a parent that sticks around is a blessing these days.

and use that old adage, if you cant beat em, join em...instead of sitting around green with envy, join in to this circle of love...include yourself in it.

Jennifer

The love between a parent and their children is a different kind of love that a husband and wife share. I have four children and am married. The love I have for more children is different than the love I have for my husband. I do think that you can have the same love with your spouse and not worry about the your spouse loving your children more. I have the same amount of love for my children as my husband, however if at anytime I was asked to choose between my children and my husband I would choose my children first. Yes, of course he knows this and he is ok with it

Rick A

Tell all this to your significant other, and if you still have a significant other after that, you're golden.

P.S. YOU didn't make the kids, YOU didn't raise the kids, Without your significant other YOU wouldn't have the kids. Making and raising kids is a 2 person deal.

Grow up and stop being so selfish. If you are grown up and are still this selfish, don't have kids.

EDIT: I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm a single father but won't be for long. The mother chose to party ratehr then grow up and be a parent and now I have a new fiancee that will join our family... Now think of that. She didn't even have a hand in making/raising the kid but she still wants to be part my and my son's life. She's not thinking about how much I love her and she knew from the begining that 99% of my time/energy were devoted to my son. She accepted the 1% and in time has become 100% part of my son and my life. We are a family.

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