Who is being unrealistic, me or my husband?
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Who is being unrealistic, me or my husband?
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I'll try to make a long story short. A few years ago my husband (then boyfriend) had only been living together for 6 months. It was our first real place together and although we were only renting we had began building a "home" together. His mother, who lives in another country got pretty sick and he left the U.S. giving up his chances of obtaining residency, and even entry for the next 10 years. (He was on an overstayed yet legal entry visa and could have fixed it easily with marriage, which was planned for two months later, but that's not the point). So he went, she got better, he tried to come back and ended up with a lifetime ban from the U.S. I sold everything we had built together, and although only material items, it was everything I had ever wanted. I moved to his country and for the first year we lived with his mother, while saving up money to relocate. We have just recently started over, in a beautiful city about 3 hours away from his mother...mainly because this is the only place I have an opportunity to find employment in his country. Anyway now his mother is getting sicki again. We went and spent a few nights with her last week and here is where the problem starts. I see that she is sick but I can also see that she is exaggerating the hell out of it. In front of him she acts like she can't even stand up and walk to the bathroom but when he is not around she gets up and moves just fine, etc. I had to get back to our town and start work the next day and he got irritated that I was so hurried to leave when his mother was in that kind of condition and needed someone there with her. Her husband no longer lives with her or cares but she has a 21 year old daughter living at home. The daughter has a baby and frequently visits the daddy in a town about an hour away, so because she has "a family" she is excused from being obligated. After my husband got irritated with me I wanted to discuss it further. It eventually got to the point where if we had to give up our second attempt at having a home together then we would sell our things, pack up personal belongings and move back in with her. We are 25 years old and although not old I feel like because we are married his obligation should be trying to build a life with me instead of just dropping everything the second his mother feels bad.
Don't get me wrong, I like his mother and I understand that she is having health problems, but she gets up everyday, goes to work, and lives her life just fine. But then again he can't just keep bouncing us around according to his mother's condition. I want him to visit her and I want him to help her, but I think the line has to be drawn somewhere.
Please no rude answers, but what is your opinion of all this?
Additional Details
We were together a little over a year before we moved in with each other the first time. After I moved to his country is when we were married. We have been married just short of one year now.
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Sue C
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How could anyone give you a rude ans. to your post?! I feel that "mother dearest" is playing on her son's sympathy. You stated she still works?! IF she can still work, do the things you've said she does, she sure as heck is NOT on "death's bed" by any stretch of the imagination. I feel this is totally unfair of her & she's totally taking advantage of his love for her. She has NO reason to act the way she's acting just to get his attention, & that to me is all she's doing. Yes, I LOVE all 3 of my children, BUT, there is NO way I would EVER take advantage of them & attempt to come between any one of them & their marriages. AND, of all things, she has a daughter who lives rite w/her?! No, she has a problem of seeking his attention for some odd reason. IF she was in such bad straights as your husband "assumes", doesn't he realize his sister would be around more & be taking more care of her mother? The daughter sure doesn't hesitate to go where she feels she needs to go whenever she wants, IF the mother was in that bad straights, I honestly think the daughter would have said something to her brother regarding the mother's health situation. She is just plain being selfish in my eyes & as long as he's going to run at her beckon call, she's just going to keep doing it! I don't know IF it would do you any good to maybe point some of these facts to him or not, or if he's resent you for "interfeering" instead. But there's no doubt about the fact she is over reacting, or should I say over "acting" in this case. You are the one who unfortunately are taking the whole brunt of this situation. Which by the way is NOT fair. There has to be some way things can be bro't to lite as to what's going on w/her & for whatever reason she's picked YOUR husband to run at the snap of her fingers is another question, other than the fact that he does & chooses to do it. This IS a sad situation that a mother could just be so uncaring & yes, plain selfish in that she can't want happiness for her own son. You two have been thru a lot in just the short length of time you've been married, & I DO give you total credit for what you've "given up", what you've sacrificed just to be w/him now to have to deal w/all this on top of it all. There just has to be a loving way you can bring things to lite w/him about what's going on & the truth of it all. IF she can go to work, she certainly is NOT in that bad shape at all. I would just LOVE to be able to go to work, but my health got worse, & I was unable to sit for any length of time due to spine deterioration. Therefore I was "forced" to leave. Otherwise, I was totally fine, but my job forced me to sit all day, therefore not being able to "change my position physically", I had to leave. I would LOVE to be able to work & get out every day as she is doing! I AM sorry for your plight, & possibly there is just some way you can get him to realize things are NOT as bad as she perceives them to be, not in any sence of the way. See if just maybe you could bring it to his attention that IF she was in the "bad shape" she "claims to be", she would NOT be able to even hold down a job. Maybe give him little "hints" of food for tho't & he might just come to realize that w/the daughter there, she sure doesn't hesitate to go off & do her thing when she wants. WHY should he relinquist your lives to go running off to care for someone who I feel is totally just seeking his attention. All the best to you...:) |
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Jon
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You are totally right. You need to make him understand that your life and relationship should not be affected by his mother's condition. You've done enough leaving your country for him, now it's time he does the same thing. You need to let him understand you cannot move another time.
Try seeking medical care for his mother (she should have medical insurance if she is working) and leave her in a doctor's hands.
My advice is to try to make him understand he'll live his life with you, not with his mother. |
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Katie P
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the only way he is going to see through his mother is to catch her in the act, once he sees she can take care of herself he will try to make a life for you two, I hope!!! maybe you can help him see what she is doing, you are a very loving person to give up your life for him he should show the same for you but it seems he hasn't let go of his mother's apron strings yet. I wish you all the best.. good luck..... |
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Adult 
Gambling
Unfinished
Deception
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