Why after 15 years of marriage, it's really bothering me now?????

â™¥ Butterfly â™¥

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry. I feel your pain... Your question is not very encouraging, though, because I'm there, but we've only been married for five years. I'm sure my man is not the only one to blame, but he sure is a lot of it...

I feel like a prisoner, sometimes. I have a judgement from a wreck when I was 16 that prevents me from driving. I left my job at his request. Now, I am home, every single day... No car, no friends. We are broke and could use another income, but he wants me here. When we can only afford to pay one of the cell phone bills, he pays his and I get shut off. I have little to no connection to the outside world. I joined myspace.com to reconnect with some old friends from high school that had been on my mind lately. He joined, too, and one of the things he does faithfully is check my friends list for new names and question me about how I know them...

I am a Christian, and am having a hard time with this submission issue. Where is the line between being a submissive wife and a doormat? I'm feeling more mat-like lately. I also don't want to leave, because I really do love him, and know that he loves me. Also, we have two kids, and they would be devastated. But I feel like I am suffering to make everyone else happy. Who is making sure that I am happy?

I wonder sometimes if it's not better to be trapped at home, though. I mean, I feel like I'm starved for attention. The other day my mother took me and the kids to a Mexican restaurant and the waiter was very flirty. I'm not promiscuous or unfaithful, but I was completely dishing it back... It was just so nice to be the center of someone's attention. It kinda scares me, though. I'm pretty glad that I don't know any guys or go anywhere without mine... I'm afraid that it'd be too easy to get caught up in a moment and screw something up.

Sorry, I don't have an answer for you. And without knowing both of you, no one probably will. But I wish you the best of luck. I'll be praying for you, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message or mail me anytime... And if you find the answer, let me know... â™¥

WENDY G

You need to take back control of your life and start enjoying it. Tell him if he doesn't like it then he can leave. Most controlling men are this way because they fear the thought of actually losing you. I'm sure he isn't going to go anywhere. And if he refuses to let you do this I would get out of this marriage. You deserve allot better!

vomissie

try marriage counseling or ask him to see a doctor if not maybe you should give your self some space everyone deserves to have a life weather married or not it is importatnt fro our health good luck

Sweet B

He has revolved his world around you and his job which are the only things that make him happy. Unfortulately for him, there are other things in life that makes you happy. Do not make it an issue though. You should indeed go out when you want but give him enough time to get his emotions together. Do not stay at home to keep him content. He will have to get used to your having a life without him. Just let him know that you love him but need to have a little time to yourself. He may pout and act like a baby but do not cave in. Do not live your life around him because you will have resentment towards him. Always come home at a respectable time and do not do anything that you would not want him doing. Remember that you are a married woman and things will be okay.

hmm

He is the problem there is nothing wrong with interaction with people. Its so healthy for your relationship to have a life outside of your marriage. Its his own insecurities and you have let him be this way for a really long time. This is going to be tricky because you have allowed him to be this way for so long. He has some deep insecure issues try to find out whats going on and let him that it isnt normal to feel that way about things. Try to work with him and help him understand that you love him and that you love spending time with him but that you need interaction with society. Try to suggest counseling at the right time not right away but maybe a little down the road after you have told him how you feel. Hopefully he will be ok with it, it will take sometime after all he is use to having you all to himself.

dynovw

He actually has a life and it is called work. We spend most of our day at work and most of his friends are there. He sounds selfish and probably has a gf at work and spends most of his time with her and worries that the home life will be disrupted if you start having fun. Just my opinion.

tequila_girl98

Sounds like he is in a rut & you are getting tired of it. Find a good couples counsellor and clear the air. You have needs as well and he is ignoring them!

feetal2003

I don't think there's anything wrong with u wanting a social life. what u need to remember is, u entered into a marriage which makes u part of a union of 2 people. if u wanna go out. go. just do it during the times he isn't gonna be home waiting for u. go to lunch or to the mall or to a movie with a GIRL friend while he's working. but make sure you're home when he is so he doesn't feel neglected. i understand your frustration but u hafta find the balance. try to find a way to get what u want without taking time away from your marriage.

jack jack

i feel your pain .. that is really harsh.. try to enjoy life and tell and all you can do is talk about it ..to him..

smplylori32

I think he needs to broaden his life a little. You seem to be very sheltered , because of his controlling you. I would still have my friends and go out with them. But in the same token I hope it doesn't get to the point of some bad anger on his part if you did go out. He 's short changing his life by all work and no fun. I would go crazy too! He has the problem, not you, Its not the girls hes afraid of being your friends, it knowng guys might hit on you, thats where the jealousy comes in. Just cause he lives for work doesn't mean you have too!. Lifes too short to live like that.

rkilburn410

You do have a problem as you have set your self up by not doing any thing about his control issues, But now you will have to sit down with him and simply tell him that you have matured and require friends and a bit more to your life than him and his working. try to get his approval it will be less stress, ask him to come up with ideas for you to get out more often . if he thinks he has a part he will slowly come around best of luck

orygunduk1

If you have a female friend to talk and confide do this to relieve some of the pressure you are going through because he is driving you nuts.
Explain to him how you feel and that there is no reason for him to be jealous of your friends or having a social life. He is trying to project his insecurities and shortcomings on you. It is not normal to express a desire to have no friends.
You may be in a dangerous situation because of his antisocial attitude. I think he needs to seek counseling before he destroys your relationship or worse yet, comes totally unglued and harms you, another or himself.
That much control is sick.

skydiver

terri he is insecure.....do what do have to do and he will adjust

red1967

He needs to let you have friends as long as they are not men. I go out with my friends for dinner and a movie. Tell him you just need some time to go out for yourself. I do not know why some men act like you can not go out with your friends and they try to treat you like a kid. I have a sister that lets her husband do the same as yours. It has gone on since she was married to him and that has been at least 35 years. She tells him where she is going and with who she is going with. He is like a dictator. She listens to his every word. I would not tolerate a man doing that to me. Good luck!!!!

waiting for baby

make a deal with him we sociolized 2x a month
and the other time we will do what ever you want
Compromise
Both my husband & I don't like socializing we like to spent time just the 2 of us but we do things go to restaurants with our children
but once a month we make it a point to invite people over or not to say no when we get invited because it healthy for our mental well being as well for our marriage we invite take cruises with friend (I call taht one progress imagine a 14 days cruises )
so If I can sociolized I beleive that anyone can
Good lUck

Larry G

Wow, we should talk! I have been married for 15 years also and the exact same reasons why I am going insane! I am not allowed to have friends, go out, go to work early or work late if need be. Interrogations about things that never happened and of course its all my fault. I wish we could compare notes

JBoogy

i say this alot but communication is the key to happiness in a relationship...if he doesnt understand your feeling than sit him down and make him understand ,,,invite him out with you so you can show him what you do,,,and that you are not hurting him behind his back...so he should be happy to let you go have fun....he is your husband but you are still your own person, dont let him hold you back from living your life how every other normal person does...sure its nice to spend a quiet night at home with your other half,,,but it isnt healthy to never get out of the hoiuse...you need your friends to get away form home life ,,whether it is a good or bad environment we all need a break......good luck!

Selnyk

Agree with the above people, go to counseling. This is what drove me and my wife to a divorce. If we would have gotten counseling sooner we probably could have prevented it.

JOE C

I think that this is a very delicate situation. You are going to have to speak to an impartial party to help sort out the best first step. Clergy is sometimes helpful or a medical professional. Just be ready for the final decision, which may be a tough one.

Nevada Pokerqueen

SOME MEN ARE POSSESIVE. This is not a healty relationship. He should be trusting of you after 15 years together. Relationships are two sided, yours and his. It works both ways. If you give him reason to be jealous then of course he wont trust you. If you dont, then it is his problem.
You both need to get help, a therapist. This problem needs to be worked on. He needs to start small and allow you to have bits of freedom. As he begins to trust you then you can have more. It is his problem not yours but you can slowly get him used to the idea. Maybe he had a mother or father that was less than trustworthy so it has brought fear to his relationship.
You need to have friends and get out of the house in a good way. Tell him you want to go bowling, see a movie, eat out, go to a girlfriends house, take a class, go do fun activities.

It is your RIGHT, dont stay locked up forever it is not good for your health.

Bill

This has been going on for 15 years? This is going to take a long time to fix. It sounds like he is very insecure, hence the controlling nature. Because it has been going on for 15 years, he does not see why things would now change. This has probably made him even more insecure trying to figure out why things were great for fifteen years (in his mind), and now you want to change your social behavior. Patience and counseling is your answer. He will probably also need separate counseling to deal with his insecurities, but at least get him to Marriage counseling. You will have to take a stand here, because I do not believe he will go easily. You will have to explain to him that this is not a new issue, but has been an issue for the past 15 years. Good Luck!

Littleangelmaybe

I know that feeling, its like you were talking about my marriage. Not much you can do either way your screwed. If you love him find something that kinda in the middle maybe date night!! Good luck but if you find the answer let me know

GardenGirl

I know this one, in the same boat ! You said he was like this before but gotten worse? Well, first off, age has something to do with it. He's getting older; as you; and the longer they control, the worse it becomes. My man prefers no one over, stay right at home day after day, doing the same thing....... A RUT!! Women are more outgoing than men and we don't like the "coop" any more. Guess you can say that they (men) are set in their ways now since it HAS gone on awhile. You can try talking to him but if like mine, won't do much good. You can either be firm and do what you RATHER do than just sit at home OR.... go along with it. I wouldn't advise leaving unless that is how you feel. I know I "want" to leave mine but I also know he loves me. I'm a independant person, outgoing, sparky........ well, I should say I "was"! Not so outgoing anymore. Husband has drained most of that. BUT I have started going out with friends, doing mostly what I want and will not let him provoke a BIG argument out of it. " You do what you LIKE to do and I will do what I LIKE to do". One of you shouldn't be unhappy just to make the other one so(happy)! He sounds insecure somehow like mine. Just the way they are , I guess. Do what you feel in your heart AND mind! Don't go from what we would suggest although all advice comes in handy so it's best to read all and take the parts that helps the most!! Good luck!

Âdimafromcan

Try talk to him

Why not me

Your husband has issues, now do you part as his wife. I mean by talking to him getting to the root of why he feels the way he does. He has to understand that it can't be all about him, that you do have a life also. After that if you want to go out and dance have a girls night out, do it. Just remember that you're married, and respect yourself, husband & vows. We came in this world ALONE, and we shall leave this world ALONE, and I believe in the end we shall all be judged ALONE!!!

stevens_monroe

Sounds like you may be on the way to a affair.I f you are a stay at home wife/mother I'm sure he has work Buddy's as do i but maybe he is trying to hard to get you all you want in life

NOT TELLING YOU LOL

has he got worse over the years?
has he always wanted no friends and no social life?
have you thot about marriage counselling
its seems its all him and he is the one with the problem. if i were you i would go out with friends and enjoy yourself, he may become jealous and decide to join you, hope this helps you

uimblue

wow his twin lives with me , i truly feel you girl i truly do..

doggoneit

Talk to him about your needs. Introduce him to your friends. If he gets upset, tell him that you NEED to have some outside interest. There is nothing wrong with you! Tell him you'd like to start going out once awhile and just go ahead and do it! Enjoy yourself. don't come home too late if you have kids.. Are you worried he is going to beat you up. If he is physically abuse, better leave. Marriage is not supposed to be a like being in a prison. You have the right to have a life of your own too.

April

Yeah, I'll go with the counseling bit, even if you have to go alone. The tight leash he has on you indicates that he is an insecure guy. That fact that you are allowing it indicates that so far, it has been okay. Now it is not. We all change. Seek some professional help, hon. Your hubby has a problem, not you. We as people are social animals -- we like company. If he wants to work all day, fine. That you should have to be trapped and go nowhere but wish to, is not fine. Get some help, sweetie.

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