Why can't my 13 yr old step-daughter just get over the fact that her parents aren't together anymore?

I AM BACK

i already answered this on the other post ........................ ll

kja63

Okay, reality check here. You are the adult, yet you are behaving like a spoiled rotten brat!

YOU don't have time for her? YOU can't be bothered because she was only with her Dad every other weekend?

Time to grow up honey. This child needs her Mom AND her Dad. And when she is with her Dad she needs you to act like the supposed adult you are.

Personally, I think Kevin would be better off with his daughter in his life. If I were him, I would have dumped YOU long ago.

CNJRTOM

You're kidding right? It's because her dad was ripped from her life, one of the 2 people who is supposed to love her unconditionally and forever. And you're not even OLD enough to be her mom, and you clearly have no clue about human emotions. You've got to be making this up.

cinnatigg

Why can't you accept the fact that she is a child? There was no telling what her mom told her. Then you go out your way to ignore her. How can you blame her behavior? You basically turned her father against her by ignoring her. Is it so difficult for you to crawl out of your shell and simply talk to the girl? She probably feels that you hate her, then her mom is probably blaming her dad ignoring her on her as well. All that I have heard from you was I, I, I and me, me me. What about her? She lost her dad to you and her mom is being cruel to her now. No matter what, that girl was there in her dad's heart WAY before you came along and you haven't tried once to be friendly with her. My advice, actually try to be friendly to her and notice the difference.

Free spirit

Lady, CHILD SHOULD COME FIRST !!!

You are being bratty, not her. You can have any boyfriend you want, she will only have one father.

Grow up !! You are the adult here, you should try to bond with her. You sound like a wicked step mother in the making !

â™¥The Mrs.â™¥

You KNEW he had a child when you married him. She is a child, she comes first in his life. You have to accept this. You have so much potential to make a positive contribution in this child's life. Use it to your advantage and quit acting like the evil stepmother. She comes first, not you.

mmedina96

shes a child deal with it you knew he was a package deal and until she matures you have to be the ADULT both of you cant play the victim

Nicki

"I just didn't have the time"?! you're a selfish b*tch, she's only 13 years old....she's obviously having a hard time dealing with the divorce as most children do. He should get rid of you and focus on his daughter, she needs her DAD. You're such a loser.

johanne

Maybe you should try to put yourself in her shoes. No matter what happened between her mom and dad, they are still her parents, she's still hoping probably that one day they will be back together. And there's not telling what her mom is telling her about you. YOU took her dad away from her, do you know the relationship that there is between a father and a daughter. I think you should give her a brake and maybe not try so hard to be friends with her and let her come to you instead.
If she moves in with you, just sit down with her and tell her that you don't want to take her mom's place, and that her dad loves you both, and that she hurts him when she is mean to you. Maybe tell her that for his sake you should at least try to get along.
It's never easy, but you need to try and think about her first, you're still young and so is she.
Best of luck

joesnextgirl

Good grief, you are one stone cold bi__! Hello??? Her whole world was ripped apart, and everything changed overnight for her, and she doesn't have the ability to "move on" or make any decisions in her life. She is a CHILD for Pete's sake. And you sound incredibly self-centered and immature yourself. No wonder she hates you. The best thing that could happen is for her father to realize that you are some mid-life rebound crisis and dump you, so that he can hopefully try to re-connect with his daughter before it's too late.

poodle mom

why cant you just accept that she is a child!! she doesnt deserve what has happened to her family, and you obviously have no respect, nor do you deserve any by your attitude. her dad was wrong by stopping all involvement because of your bratty attitude, and that will come back to bite you both in the butt. if shes only 13, believe me, you havent seen a bad attitude yet!! just wait until she 18 or 19, talk about attitude...i have 3 step daughters that dont much care for me either, they also wanted their daddy to stay with their mom. but never, have i ever had the rotten attitude that you have. i am surprised your husband hasnt dumped your *** yet

Jewel

She's only 13!!! Technically, she's still a kid - give her a break. You said you never tried to bond with her - could be part of the problem. Have you ever tried talking to her to try to understand her feelings or try to be there for her? Being a teenager is hard enough in itself - add a family separation and it's like your whole world crumbles. Being a teenager, in general, means that you're stuck between being a kid and being an adult. Seeing as she's only 13 means she's JUST entering this confusing stage in her life. You don't know where you fit in, you don't know who you are, your body is changing, your expectations are different, friends start turning against you and changing right in front of your eyes, society's expectations are changing, technology is on the rise which adds to the breakdown of communication... Kids need stability to feel emotionally and psychologically secure. Being 13 means she's probably in middle school - that in itself is hell for a teenager - and then when you have to move on to high school, it's even MORE terrifying and confusing. The only logical place a teenager/kid would feel secure is their home, which is why most teenagers lash out at home. They have NO idea what to do with these conflicting feelings and thoughts. If you add a homelife where your parents have separated, it adds an ENTIRE new bowl of salt to the wound. Who cares if the divorce was finalized 2 years ago - that would mean she was 11. She was a kid for heaven's sake! Living through a divorce when you're young and in this stage of your life is going to take time to deal with and get over. And...you're expecting a girl who is 11,12, 13 to have the emotional tools to deal with a disruption like this? Normal teenagers who are not going through a divorce don't know how to deal with being a teenager and dealing with disruptions that happen in school and with their friends. Give her a break!!!

I'm 26 and though I can understand how things would be frustrating, have a little patience and understanding because in reality - SHE IS A KID! You said you "never bothered to try to bond and you just didn't have the time" "You don't need the drama" -- Did you ever think about what Brianna might need?? Be a little more sensitive to her. She's a kid who is obviously having a rough time with what is going on in her life. Like it or not, she is part of your life now because of her dad/your husband. Try to make an effort here. Take part of the blame rather than putting it all on this 13 year old kid! This girl is trying to reach out and apparently no one is listening or making an attempt to help her with this disruption. She feels she has no where to turn...

Typically, teenagers will lash out and behave badly because it is a cry for attention. They are not emotionally mature enough to deal with things as adults do. It's up to us - the ADULTS - to help them find their way and help them find their true voice. Be an adult rather than whine and complain about her - otherwise, you're just as bad, if not more to blame!

Drew's Mom

You have absolutely no business being involved with a man that has a child!! You sound VERY immature and selfish . . but apparently your boyfriend isn't much of a father to this girl if he was willing to chose you over her! maybe you 2 are perfect for eachother and this young girl would be much better off without either of you in her life . . Especially you!!

Magaroni

You are unbelievable. Poor Kevin. Sounds like he went from the frying pan to the fire.

You didn't have time for her? You didn't need the drama? She 13! She's not an adult yet! Guess what? Kids are the pain in the azz sometimes, and you MARRIED a man with children, which means she's YOUR daughter too! YOU are the one who can't accept that your husband's time is not your own - his first obligation is to his daughter.

I hope for her sake she doesn't come live with you. She's a child - she shouldn't have to raise another one (that would be you).

Bragg Wmn

He should not have severed the relationship with her, of course she blames it all on you, it was you who brought all the difference in her life. But what's done is done and now what you have is another chance to build the relationship. She's 13 and needs a father before she turns to other males for affection. You both have something in common, you both love her dad. Work from there. It will be hard, but like you said your 27, nobody needs the drama, but this child does need the love as much as she may fight it. Getting over a divorce does not happen in a year, but it helps when she has stability somewhere.

mel

1st off you are the adult and needed to make the attempt to get to know her, after all she is a part of your family now. He chose you to be his wife she didnt chose you as a step mom. This is why some kids hate step parents...as you stated YOU didnt have the time, YOU didnt want the drama...honey grow up and be a woman...you are so selfish....this kid has had enough to deal with not to mention being a teen is tough enough in todays world. I wish your husband all the luck in the world, Hes gonna need it.

sandy_uf

Whoa...who is the adult here? I am sure you don't want Kevin to choose between you. If you love him, learn to love his daughter. All girls that age are difficult. If you made an effort to get to know her, you could be a very decisive difference in her life. Don't forget that the man you love held this little bundle soon after her birth. He bonded with her and will always have a soft spot in his heart for her. You share that space with her, there safe in his heart. Tell her this. Tell her often that her dad loves her and that you care about her too, and mean it.

Deal with bad behavor immediately, including disrespect. She is a little girl really who is trying hard to grow up and her whole world blew apart a few years ago. She will learn to deal with the change with time and patience. You have an opportunity to be an example of what being in a loving relationship should be like. You are in the position to help her form strong relationships in the future. I believe you can do it because you love her father so much.

Control the drama, but remember when you took him, he was a packaged deal. Control it by finding out what she really loves and what she really hates. Dole out what she needs and do it unselfishly. This is a fine lesson in life for you as well. You will come out stronger for the learning experience with your future children. This is the worse time for a child. If you survive this, you are well prepared for parenthood.

Hope this helps some.

abby

Well, you need to accept that being the step "monster" is going to be your role in this child's life - most kids don't accept their parents divorce and resent the new spouse terribly. You make a HUGE error in judgement when you decided to not and try and bond with Brianna b/c it was just "every other weekend and you didn't have the time" - don't blame her b/c she is acting like a child and you didn't attempt to make it any better. I think that you need to really step up to the plate here and try your hardest to get to know this child - for your husbands sake. Look, he is in a huge quandry b/c you are making him choose b/w her and you - and the fact that he stopped all involvement with her 6 months into your relationship - just tells me he has bad judgement issues as well. This is about the child and what is best for her - try and get to know her - don't let her move in just b/c she isn't getting along with her mom - keep the schedule the same, BUT the weekends she is with you - you should wipe your schedule clean to be with her - take her to lunch, a movie, get your nails done - WHATEVER it is - to try and reach her - Good luck

waiting for baby

If you ever have a child than ask yourself the same ? about your daughter
you are both wrong you say that he is one of a million
no he is not,he should never have stop relationship with his daughter because she was not getting along with
well you are the adult, yes the child needs to be talk to and even be responsible for her actions but he should talk to her instead of cutting her off because she is just a child and have difficulties dealing with the issues
and you as an adult is very selfish if you think yourrelationship will last with this man you are mistaken because if he is a good man he will take notice of what is going on between you and his daugther
at the moment this man is lonely and probably afraid of being alone so you will be there until he wake up
but if you truly want to be with him, give his daugther sometime spend time with her try to create a relationship
and most of all you need to accept her daughter after all you are 27 grow up

Lydia

Because her whole WORLD was torn apart - it will affect her into adulthood, and beyond. Divorce totally devastates children!
You aren't married to him, you aren't her mom, just a wanna be - however, you need to let him deal with his daughter as he sees fit, and be supportive. Make the time you didn't before...
The 'drama' you say you don't need -- well, try going out with a single guy with no kids....

sparkleythings_4you

Because she is a child and her whole world has been turned upside down. YOU on the other hand are an adult, so you should be more understanding than that, I think you sound very cold and hard towards her, like the daughter is an inconvenience well sorry but the daughter comes before you. You didn't bother making time for her, why should she make it easy for you? If you make the effort and don't act like a ***** then maybe she will accept you.

leysarob

He is her father and his first obligation is to her. His response to her cries for attention and love (which is what she was truly doing -- she's only 13 and doesn't know any better way to express herself) was to stop "all involvement in her life." What a disappointment.

The answer is family counseling. She has anger issues due to the divorce that don't just disappear because it would be convenient for her father or her mother.

Everyone needs to take of the child in the situation, and stop worrying about themselves. Obviously no one got her the help she needed when the marriage fell apart. It's way past time. Help her. Don't punish her.

banana6464

Woa - hold the phone. You are missing a major aspect of this situation: the daughter's life has imploded and her father rejected her (his own daughter) FOR YOU. Try to imagine how much she must hate you for that? I'm not saying you deserve it (not your fault he chose the wrong mother) but I'm asking to you remember that she does not have the coping skills that most adults do.

Second, she is a young teenager which means she also has a million hormones running through her body and as many completely confusing thoughts running through her mind.

I think it's very wrong of you to be making this whole situation about her showing you respect. I'm sure she's not perfect but maybe you could ease up on her.

Klingon

She's torn between the love she has for her dad & her mother.
You should try to get a relationship with her.I'm sure she would have a problem if her mother had a new husband.
Get her onto counselling to be able to deal with this.

guiltfeeder

You know, try to think that she's your daughter. She's going through a hard time and it's hard for us to accept the facts like that. Yes, maybe she's giving you problems too but, why don't you try to show that you care and you're always there for her? Did you ever try to do that? I wonder what kind of mother you'll be..

mrsprincess07

U are every mom's worst nightmare! I had a step mom just like u and it caused a permanent rift between my father and I. Ur very selfish and immature. If u don't want to be bothered with children and the drama that comes with that territory, why did u get involved with a guy that has a child in the first place?! Speaking of drama, Ur adding to it! Children at that age are full of drama, that's apart of being a teenager. Not to mention her parents split and her own mom is unreliable. Now she has step monster making what little safety net come crashing down around her knees. Who do u think u r? There are fair greater issues at hand then Ur personal space. If u keep this up, Ur going to push Ur BF away, which for both of their sakes, I hope it does. Kids have no right to be disrespectful, but i have a feeling you egged it on! You have way too much attitude to not contribute to her defensiveness. Lets see here....who's the bigger brat?! Hands down....the 27 yr old going on 4. If u want to throw a temper-tantrum, go back to the sand box; otherwise act Ur age and play nicely!

partly smart

you need to try and bond with this little girl. you gotta remember that divorce is hard on the kids, no matter whos fault it is. take her shopping, get your hair and nails done together, go sun bathe together, something. try and make it better on you two. i think your husband would love it if you tryed your best on making a relationship with his daughter, especially if he didnt ask you to and you did it on your own. remember you are the adult, not her, when she acts retarded dont get retarded back, act like an adult, be an authority figure. but also be someone she can come to and talk with.

Sunshine

Because she is young and immature. Give her some time, she will grow up some day.

My husband has two daughters. We have been married for 5 years now. When I met them they were 13 and 15 (teenagers!!!) We had our disagreements and they hated me for a while. Now they are more mature and we get alone just fine. So do not worry.

But DO NOT TRY TO PLAY MOM. She already has one. Just try to be her friend, even if she does not deserve it, one day she will be grateful.

tiuliucci

You are looking at this all wrong. Stop and look at the girl's point of view. She may not even know why her parents got divorced. If no one explained to her the situation she may not even really understand that the divorce is final.

What she needs is to have her father sit down with her and explain why he left her mother. She needs him to explain that you are not a replacement for her mother and that you have nothing to do with him staying separated from her mother. She needs to know that her parents broke up for their own reasons and will not get together again for any reason.

She then needs to know that you are not an enemy. She thinks that you are part of the reason that her parents are not getting back together. She needs to understand that her father has moved on.

Once all of that is explained, possibly more than once, she will start to accept her parents' divorce. She is not a brat. She is a confused little girl, who no one bothered to properly talk to or include in the destruction of her family.

By the way, you not making an effort to bond with her has done nothing but add additional hurt to her and make her more resentful of you. Never think that you can move into a family without including the children.

Take care,
Troy

V P

I totally agree The Mrs. This is a 13 year old child. Thirteen year olds act like this...they are supposed to, because their brians have not fully developed. The reasoning, and concequence part of their brain will not fully develope for another 6 years. You are the adult and need to behave like one. I know you are only 27 and still young yourself, but you need to behave like an adult. I can see just by what you have typed here that you too are very immature. I'm not wanting to rag on you or criticize you...this is not my intention, but I want you to understand the mind of a 13 year old. They don't reason well, if you respect her she will respect you. Don't give off ugly smart alleck responses, like she's supposed to know the answer to something. IF you can possibly try to understand her and give her space,she will come around. Give her alot of space, don't be a naggy step mom, don't always try to be right, let her get her way sometimes without an arguement, when she sees that you are trying then she will try. Speak in a kind voice too. Show the man that you love, that you try, not just around him but when the two of you girls are alone. Remember, behave like a grown up...show her respect and she will do the same. Also remember, she's raging with hormones...all kinds and give her space and peace of mind.

King H

First his child comes first. B/c HE broke up all contact with her b/c you two could not get along. Of course she blames you. What you and others in your position fail to understand is that when children get to a certain point in their lives they are not going to adapt to the new guy/gal no matter how great they are. At that point all you can do is go for the respect factor and leave it at that. Despite what some have said it's not the parents playing one against the other. She's 13, she's not blind, deaf, or stupid. She's fully aware of what's going on and she's acting out.

Should she stay with you, probably not. Should there be some kind of joint custody, oh yeah! She's interfering in your relationship so why deal with it 24/7. If you want her to "grow up" and stop interfering in your relationship, then show her some respect and treat her with the same amount of love her mother should.

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