Why cant I just leave?

My husband and I have really been struggling for a while. He works very hard... and I stay home with our four children. They are 13,11,3 and 1. Our one year old is registered disabled, so he is like four kids rolled into one. Anyway, my husband tells me all the time that he hates family life, the mess we make, that he doesnt think he loves me anymore. He always feels so badly the next day, flowers, apologies the next day etc... but a few times now he has come home and the house hasnt been quite up to his standard (by the way its NEVER dirty, just sometimes a bit messy from the kids) and he has left and gone to stay in a hotel. He constantly tells me how useless I am around the house, that i should be able to do more during the day. I already feel totally run off my feet... his diner is always ready for him when he gets home, shirts ironed, I wait on him hand and foot, but if one tiny thing is out of place he goes mad, and starts calling me names. He has also regularly atarted telling me to shutup and f off, for no apparant reason.
Last night he said he cant stand how untidy I am and that makes him hate me. To put things into perspective most people I know ask me how I keep the house so clean with four kids. I am working as hard as I can, but am beginning to feel completely worthless and nervous about him coming home. My kids are beginning to feel fear when their dad comes home, and I am lost. I don't know what to do.

Kiwi-pie

how mean and unkind he is being!! What you should do is get him to mind the kids for several days with no help and see how he manages it!!! this man has no respect for you and unless he changes pretty soon i would leave him. i stayed in an unhappy relationship for too many years and deeply regret not leaving sooner.

happylilpossom

you poor thing, you are gonna end up with no self esteem and resenting each other so bad it could eat the relationship up.

Obviously you have told him how you feel and how unfair his comments/expectations are? Next step would be to with hold all you do for him. I did this with my husband when we were at the point of divorce. He accused me of doing nothing for him so i stopped doing his washing, didnt have the meals on the table for him and all the other things they fail to appreciate. A 3 week spate of doing his own should open his eyes.
I would also suggest some real time out for you both on a regular basis, even one hour a week so it gives you time to be with and listen to each other. Its so easy to forget how important time away from family life can be.

Lastly, counselling can be a good starting point to get you both listening and talking effectively again. It also help you realise that you dont have to tolerate being bullied and ways of how to deal with this.

Wish you all the best.

Ansophie H

The first thing I want to say is that you are doing something that I never could do...well done, that you avent ran away yet..I have 3 step children, that lives with me full-time, but could never be a housewife, keeping the house clean is a nightmare...

If he comes home again..and winge at you, you should walk out be4 he can...and go and sleep in a hotel...and the next day you should tell him you are going to get a job, and he should stay at home raising up the kids... I can almost promise you, he will never act like an idiot again...as soon as men think there freedom will be taken...they are lost...please do this for yourselve.....

Susan

Get a back up plan for you and the kids. Then the next time he says something abusive - make sure the kids are out of the room. Look him straight in the eye and say "Listen buster, i can take a lot of crap from you and i have. But when you make these kids unhappy -i won't tolerate it - you better change your ways or i'm outta here". if your new backgone doesn't scare him straight, then use your backup. which is better for you - a happy home with no husband - or an unhappy and miserable home with one?

old mother

Hi luv tell you something this sounds like a very unhappy depressed man. If he is not usually like this then i think there is a problem outside the home that he is trying to deal with. I can see exactly where you are coming from my husband used to be the same but he could get physical with it i found he had a drug problem and was using the nastiness as his cry for help. i also have 4 kids 18, 16, 6, 2 and also my daughters friend lives with us in a 3 bed house so i know how hard work a large family can be i find it hard to keep up too . His actions and words to you are unacceptable you are worth your weight in gold if you love him then please you have to talk he may feel you are too busy for him or not know how to begin. Please also contact the service womens aid they are fantastic helped me to no end you must build up your self worth and take time off i find 10 minutes escape to my room with my book helps .Please talk and i wish you lots of luck you can e mail if you wish to talk hope i help. chel

elin j

Wow.. He seems incredibly ungrateful and needless to say appreciates nothing you do. Saying that, he clearly doesn't understand that what you do is hard work, but it's difficult to see because there's nothing to show for it in his eyes (Money) so he's probably frustrated at that. Even so, he definitely shouldn't be calling you names. That's low!

Now, I feel my next suggestion may be extreme and not true, but have you considered hey may be cheating on you, or are you confident that's not the case.

Clearly has no real bond with the children if they fear when he comes home. I think he needs some councelling or something. It's almost as if he's blaming you for the life you lead now and he resents that. I don't understand how you could possibly have had four kids with this man, but it's so easy for me to say that.

I truly feel for you and I hope that you are able to sort this out.

lonewolf10588

To be honest,My opinion,not a psychologist.It sounds like her is tired of his routine.
Im in the Same boat except for the progress of your life. Im only 20,living with girlfriend.
But,Anyways..It sounds like after a hard day at work,he reflects in his mind " Im going to come home to my kids,and my wife who doesn't do anything,at all while I work my a*s off" Subconsiously,he doesn't notice the hot meals and effort you put into cleaning the house and having the kids tended to all perfectly before he comes home because his loss of motivation/interest has overruled? He'll apologize after expressing how he honestly feels because he DOES care for you-you guys have grown together- so dont think for a minute he doesnt love you.Men are weird like this. At times I want to throw it all away myself,i sometimes express it to her on my low points of Just being sick of it,But then apologize because i care for her.

I may be totally wrong,and I'm sorry but,I hope it helps / may give you an idea.Dont make any sudden decisions though,stay open minded :)

chelsea19622000

You need to sit him down and ask him if he still wants to be in this relationship. If he hates family life so much, then tell him to go. What use is he to you apart from providing the money. He should be supporting you and not constantly putting you down. He's the one who should be pulling his weight and he needs to be told this in no uncertain terms.

RAINBOW

leave for a day ,he would have to pay someone to do all you do ,he needs a wake up call ,he should be supporting you not verbally abusing you good luck

wondering

Sounds like he is an abuser??????? But maybe just maybe he has his troubles to!!. Not always are they an abuser but are troubled. Kids,bills, job and so on. He may be taking it out on you because he doesn't know how or cant fix what is troubling him.Talk to him he is always sorry brings you flowers. I KNOW THAT IS NO EXCUSE, but there are two sides to a story. Give him a chance to explain his.If there is no change then tell him to leave. You have the children and are doing your best. Good Luck

Karen H

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, why do you let him get away with not helping around the house? The old traditional ways of the wife doing it all around the house are dead and gone I don't care if he is the only one working. Sit his butt down and tell him he has to pitch in and help out a bit. You didn't expect to have a special needs child and you can't do it all alone. I could type forever on the subject but I think that is all you need. grrrrrrrr men

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: