Why do women feel that they are not contributing to the household if they are a stay at home mother?

Wiser1

As a wife who stayed home when the kids were small, and went back to work after that, I feel competent to answer you. What if the roles were reversed? YOU stayed home and cared for the little ones and then they went off to school. Your wife has this terric and exciting job and makes lots of money. But you don't feel all that fulfilled now that the kids are in school. Wouldn't YOU want to find an interesting job (even part time) so that you have something to talk about besides dirty dishes, laundry and the vacuum cleaner? I worked after the kids were in school, had a great time. When a mother works, and is happy, she is an excellent role model for her kids. The boys learn that women are competent at things other than housework, and the girls learn that they can be competent AND nurturing, too. Studies show that mothers who work are happier than stay-at-homes once the kids get into school and there's less to do. You should be encouraging your wife to fulfill her dreams and be all she wants to be in life.

sheloves_dablues

Your wife is an incredible woman. I have never met a stay at home mom who felt they were not contributing to the household. Raising children (and keeping a home) is a HUGE contribution, not only to your household, but to society!

But since the kids are in school, she is probably now re-thinking her current contribution and would like to get back into the work world and make a little money. For her, it's time.

brunobandit

SOCIETY TELLS HER THAT IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.SOCIETY SAYS LET A BABYSITTER WATCH YOUR KIDS SO SHE CAN WORK.IF MY WIFE COULD STAY AT HOME SHE WOULD.

Unique&Clever

She probably wants to be more active in the community. I would say encourage her to volunteer and support her if she decides to go back to work part-time.

Shortstuff13

She knows why there's a need to go back to work. Sure, being a stay at home mom, is a full time job, but now that the children are in school, she feels a need to contribute more. Talk to her about it but don't press too hard if she isn't willing to explain her reasons. Maybe she feels a bit of a void now that the children are in school. Who really knows? We women have feelings that aren't always easy to convey to our spouses. You're a great husband from what I have read & don't ever change. Just be supportive of her wishes to go back to work.

keezymama

Our culture has devalued the home maker - in turn we have seen many of the negative changes in that have occurred in our society in the past couple decades.
With your children in school she feels like she has more time available. Can she work part time so that she is still home to get the kids to school and greet them when they get home?
Is watching the pre-schooler of another family in your neighborhood where the mother has to work an option that she would enjoy? Does she have a career that she feels will suffer if she is away from it too long? (IE with the constant changes in medicine many nurses find that if they step out for a number of years that they don't feel like they are competitive or competent with new procedures.)

spcn

Sometimes women bow to the pressures that American culture has inflicted on us - that our contributions have to have a paycheck on them. We have abandoned the idea that raising good healthy, strong minded children is priceless - Then, the other motive for her going back may be her own personal fulfillment level. She may honestly have a need to work outside of the home - I would suggest working part-time - I still think your babies are young - but she may think they are more independent. She may not want to "lose" her identity - maybe she was raised that women should work - I would ask her to discuss all of her reasons - give it a try and if it works for her - you continue to be supportive - you sound like a okay guy.

Rena

You sound awesome.

To answer your question today's society expects women to play part of the role in contributing to the household income unlike in the past where women were expected to stay home and take care of the family.

Your wife maybe feeling the pressure from her friends or she may also want to do more for herself.

Some women like myself enjoy working and couldn't see losing that part of my identity.

girlnextdoor409

She probably wants to get some of herself back. The kids are in school and she's been that mommy for a long time now. She probably wants to get out, socialize with adults. I wouldn't be offended by it. I'm sure she loves that you supported her and obviously take great pride in her but she probably is just bored at home.

Sweet Suzy 777!

Maybe she should consider that if she goes to work, she will have to hire someone to do her job of raising the children.

model

women get emotional like that dont worry..she is just stressed!
take her on a nice date and make it clear to her that you wouldnt be able to do anything without her....and you REALLY appreciate the house work.

and i think that it shouldnt hurt yalls relationship because you gotta stick together! just tell her what you told us

mamarat

I'm sure she means, financially.

thesonojudan

She wants to work let her brother, if it will make her happy you have no choice, and besides she might start working decideds she hates it and quit. Though if possible you might have her look into doing something from the house like ebay sales, for example. On the bright side what ever she does for money means more money for your family. Which could mean a new car, or that hot tub you both wanted. You have to let her atleast try and work even if you don't want her to, because if you prevent her from doing something it will create a unnatural rift in your relationship. Your best bet is to just support her in what ever she does, and love her. Thats what relationships, exspeacilly marriage is all about brother.

Sonojudan
"She went to work at strip club, I told her only if I get to be the bouncer, she quit after the first guy that touched her wrong ended up in the trash can out back, missing all his teeth."

Doodlestuff

Because people around her reinforce the idea that the money you earn is your money and she's just a sponge. Not true, of course, but that is how some women sortof feel. Especially true though if there is a divorce. The guy thinks of it as HIS earnings rather than the FAMILY's earnings.

Motherly

I am a stay at home mother, I often think that I would love to work, even a few hours a week. I think it would help my sanity :) It would also help when I get with my friends, to know what they are talking about and have my own things to talk about, children are fun to talk about but its hard to have children 24/7/365 and nothing else.

Amanda S

Our society treats stay at home moms like what they do is not important. Stay at home moms when you go out to a party or gathering and everyone asks each other what they do for a living when you say "I'm a stay at home mom" isn't the reaction usually "Oh, that's nice". It's a shame because it is one of the most important jobs in the world. Raising children is hard work and I admire all you stay at home mom you are raising the future of our country. Thank you.

Paula

it has nothing to do with you or your family. it has to do with feeling productive. her life before was taking care of those kids but now that they are more self sufficient she doesn't feel like she has a purpose. let her work even if its not for the income. let her be a part of something so she feels like she's making more of a contribution than just making dinner and cleaning.

a m

I was in the same situation as your wife almost I was a stay at home mom for 4 years my youngest son had medical problems and my husband and I decided I needed to stay at home until his health got better and speaking that we had a total of 3 kids all a year apart and all toddlers it seem like the right decison. Now that are kids are older and all are in school as of last year I felt the same way. I felt the same way it is hard to explain my husband does a good job with us in making sure we do not have a need for anything. He makes me feel so special because he remebereds the important days and always took time to get me out the house. I was ready for work again because it is a hard transition to go from working and having independece for yourself to stop working and depending on someone to do everything for you it hurts your self esteem. I could not go and suprise my husband on special days and holidays because I had no way of doing it with my own money. I could not go and by myself something nice with out using money from him it is nothing that you have done or did not do she just needs it for her self to feel better

bgee2001ca

I do not know why she would feel like that, she is making a great contribution to the household, and one that your children will benefit from in years to come.
Having said that, she may just be getting bored, and needs to get out of the house.

helper

I was a stay at home mom. We feel we don't contribute financially, and sometimes we are looked down upon by others because we actually don't leave the house. It will be good for your wife to get out of the house to feel some self worth, to make some adult friends.

If she was staying at home then she was the household. I'm not saying you didn't contribute or trying to negate what you do, but she was the household.

It's probably a money issue. Tell her this "Salary.com consulted with Stay at Home and Working Moms and determined the top 10 jobs that make up a mom's job description. If paid, Stay at Home Moms would earn $134,121 annually (up from 2005's salary of $131,471)."

She's been a stay at home mom for a while. Now that the kids are in school she's probably having trouble with defining her role now. Almost an empty nest syndrome.

sunbun

not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home mom

Marcie

Maybe she really wants more intellectual stimulation or adult conversation or anything besides cooking, cleaning, and watching the kids..... perhaps she could increase her financial contribution and you could increase your domestic contribution. Sounds like an idea?

m_c_m_a_n

She knows she is contributing. This is just her way of saying that she needs more out of life than being stuck in the house all the time.

Just accept it and let her do her thing. Personally I think being a housewife is one of the hardest jobs there is. They are always at work no matter the time of day.

She wants to share the responsibility at home so she can get out and feel better about things by making some of the income. I would also volunteer to do a little more around the house to make the transition more smooth.

IMO, you don't really have a problem unless you are afraid to let her have a little freedom. By supporting her on this you will strengthen your bond with her.

Lola

Could be she feels she could help you out financially.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Sounds like a good woman!

Isabella S

as a stay at home mom at the moment, i can definitely tell you why. because the children are at school and she is home by herself for a huge chunk of the day, she feels a bit useless. imagine what it's going to be like when the kids actually move out. indulge her in a part-time hobby. even if it's school. maybe some volunteer work? part-time job? something she can do while the kids are at school. being at home alone after having kids with you all day is actually quite daunting. she wants to feel important. if having a part-time job makes her feel that way, then let her. you may not need the money, but she needs to occupy her mind. maybe even office work at the school might be helpful.

Pippi

I'm not sure. I certainly didn't feel that way. I suppose some women equate contributions only in terms of money.

Or, maybe that was just her excuse.

PROF

Stay at home mothers are definitely hard-working, however, your wife personally may feel like what she does is not valued. It appears you are providing her with a lot of support and appreciation for her contribution to the family, however, she may be searching for a sense of self; not just always being "mom". As a mother of 3, I never returned to my management job 13 years ago when I had my first child. I have been home every since raising our three children and I am very proud of the fact they all are thriving, intelligent, happy children who have always had both quality and quantity time with me. My children come first and this is MY contribution to the family, my husband and I feel it is the most important one.

Your wife should understand that the most important job in the world is being a mom. No toys or money can replace the time and dedication a parent gives a child.

I bring them to all of their extracurricular activites and I have never missed any of their events. I am always there for them and I am grateful everyday that my husband and are financially capable of giving them this gift - love and time.

When your wife looks back as your children go off to university, she will never regret dedicating her life to her children. No nine to five job will ever have the payback or rewards a stay at home mother has from putting her children first.

What she may be looking for is a sense of purpose when your children are at school. She may find some cause she can volunteer for, work part-time while they are at school (I supply teach when my little one is in school in the morning) or join a club (women's soccer team, tennis lessons, etc.) during the evening when you get home to give her sense of self or change from the homefront.

I wish you luck with your family!

DaisyCake

The children are older now and more self sufficient. I'm sure that after the morning rush, and before the after-school rush there is more time than chores.

She may be thinking back to her career days and remembering the ego boost of a job well done, and that paycheck. She might also be thinking that her education, experience and knowledge could be spent on more interesting projects than cooking, cleaning and watching the kids - especially when those kids are gone 6 hours a day.

She does contribute - but I can't help but wonder if she's ready to spread her wings a little bit. Additionally, if there are "extras" that you're saving for, she's probably wondering if she could help provide the money for those extras.

Try to imagine yourself in her shoes - what if, instead of whatever you do, you stayed home. Would you feel a little of being "just" a homemaker?

As a SAHM mom myself, with both kids in school now, I'm considering going back to work, both to contribute financially, and to use some brain cells that have been sleeping. I'm also ready to real conversations with people and not have their eyes glaze over when I mention what I do. But first, I'm taking a few weeks to finish up a couple of projects around the house - and I'm going back to work w/ flexible hours so I can still be home when the kids get home.

I've loved these years home, but I'm ready to take some work challenges too. And after putting in many volunteer hours, it would be nice to be paid for my work.

RedRabbit

She feels like she is no longer needed at home as much as she used to be. The kids are at school and she feels board. Just let her get a job and be prepared to start doing some of those home chores.

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