Why does my wife think I'm in love with my x?

kalea_kane

Okay...here it goes. Your wife never had a relationship that was serious. You are the only one she has ever comitted to, and she made that BIG comittment to you. She is also the only one YOU made that BIG comittment too. You did, however, have an adult relationship that did have a comittment of its own and probably at one time a plan of a future. She is jealous of those feelings you had for another woman. You are her one and only and she wants to be your one and only. She is...but your actions have confused her. She equates your searches as interest in being with the ex.

A lot of people do searches like you have. It isn't because they want to be back with the ex, but because they are just curious. There are also a lot of people who really are interested and still carry a torch for the ex. You can find a lot of questions from people like that right here. Your wife knows of people like this, and I imagine she also has had moments of her own curiosity, even if she has never had a relationship quite a serious as yours. Sometimes we just wonder "Whatever happened to...?" and we can wonder it about exes, old teachers, old friends, and coworkers. It doesn't mean we want them. It is just that people have all made impacts in our lives...it is normal to wonder what is up with them sometimes. Even when we look up a favorite music group or actor from our past...it is just about curiosity not desire.

Anyway...you need to really focus on her. Tell her and show her how she is THE love of your life. She is the woman YOU want to be with forever. She is the mother of your child and you adore her and appreciate her. Apologize for how these searches made her feel. You probably cannot point out all the changes you have made and pictures you have thrown out (which honestly I think was unnecessary -- I have never requested that from my fiance), but I think you kind of need to realize you aren't guilty of something awful here. You did a search. You have a wife who is jealous and who probably needs a lot of validation. I don't know why that is. You can do your part by not doing things you know that bring it out, but really there may be a lot of eggshells in the future. She sounds like she needs a lot of reassurance.

Good luck.

miester44

When you got married any concerns for ANY ex should be gone. Walk some in her shoes would you like her checking out her ex? Time for you to grow up and be with your family.

â™¥SummerRainâ™¥

It sounds like you already know the answer. Do I think you did anything wrong, no. Do I understand where she is coming from, yes. You admitted to not being completely honest...and that is why you are having problems. On top of that, her not having a previous serious relationship makes her incapable of understanding that it is natural for you to wonder about someone you once lived with and cared for so much. You may need counseling for her to work through this. You can get past this though.

lovie12346

There is nothing wrong with not telling everything to your partner. Those that ask and those that dont want to hear that you had a life before them need not be in your life.
Your wife isnt just jealous shes being a very spoiled little *****. So what you look up your ex out of curiosity. I don't see anything wrong with that.
You both married and had a child now thats all that matters now. If she wants out of the marriage then let her. Evidently thats what she wants. Shes on a poor, pittiful woe is me deal. (Gags thinking about her stupid ****!)
I'm sure she wasn't a virgin when you two got married so its not like she doesn't have a past. So why should you not have one?
Get your son and move away from there and leave that crazy *** woman to sit and people think shes so mistreated. Tell her on the way out the door tell her you want out! Heres your chance ! Then go, don't let her abuse you anymore. That ought to bring her back in to the present. Best of luck to you!

lee

- YOU REALLY STILL LOVE HER DONT YOU
SO FIND A PHONE AND CALL HER WONT YOU

ITS ALREADY BEEN FOUR YEARS HAVE PASSED
THIS MARRIAGE YOU HAVE AINT GOING TO LAST

SO CALL THIS X AND SEE WHATS UP
JUST TAKE YOUR KID AND HIS SIPPY CUP

PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO BE WITH HER
GO BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE WERE

IT WILL PROBABLY BE THE SAME AS BEFORE
EXCEPT THIS TIME YOU & UR KID WALK IN THE DOOR

IF YOU WERENT HAPPY THEN -WHY DO YA CARE
TO YOUR WIFE THIS IS NOT FAIR

SHE MARRIED YOU FOR CERTAIN REASONS
BUT NOT FOR YOU TO CHANGE LIKE THE SEASONS

STOP THIS NON SENSE AND LOVE WHAT U GOT
IF YOU CHOOSE HER - A FAMILY YOU HAVE NOT

MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE AND STAY AWAY
FROM SEARCHING X- CAUSE SHE'S TURNED GAY!!

Tweety

We all have people in our past, at least most of us, and the other party should realize it and try to accept it.

But you were wrong to look up your ex, especially since you knew how upset your wife would be. You've got to really put the X in the past for sure now.

Don't give up, keep talking to her, let her know that she and your child are the only ones you love, and who matter to you. That you married her because you love her. Apologize to her, acknowledge that you were a stupid, curious fool to look up your X, and that you'll never do it again, ever, ever , ever !!!

motherof two

Your wife needs to understand that you come with a past and that makes part of who you are today. I don't think that you should have to hide your past, you had good times and you should be able to enjoy the memories.As long as you don't step out of boundaries why can't you be friends with your ex. I have been divorced for years, and I am friends with my ex and all of his new ladies( he is going on wife number three). She needs to take a look at herself and see why she acts the Way she does. If you ask me snooping in computer and reading your email is pretty bad. If you love her hang in there and maybe get some professional help,can't hurt. Good Luck

hey_there_heathe

Well, have in some instances been in your wife's shoes. So, maybe I can help you!
#1 Get help for your marriage. You should initiate it not her.
#2 You need to just stop even letting the x enter your mind. I know it is hard. BUt you have made a promise to be loyal to your wife.
#3 Ask her for her forgiveness and NEVER do this again.

p00756

I am female and I totally understand what you are saying. I have been happily married for over 25 years and yet sometimes I am curious as to what happened to old boyfriends. I have looked on the Internet to find out more about them but was not successful.

I hope your wife will realize that you love her and just have curiosity over the x's.

bubblesno11979

let her read what you wrote and peoples opinions i do wonder if you still have feelings for your ex due to the fact you keep looking for info on her but saying that you've not found anything and i do have to believe what you say as i've no reason to doubt you i think you and your wife need to sit down and discuss everything especially what the rules are ie. no more looking for ex's and stick to them i also think your wife needs to give you a bit of privacy ie. not look at your e-mails after discussing it i think you should change your password on your mail account as i don't think anyone should open or read other peoples mail either letters or e-mail i think your wifes jealous maybe to do with her past relationships you've been together for 3 years now and if you haven't done anything other than looking up an ex in that time i think her suspitions are about her and not you i think she needs to trust you more but you need to gain that trust i hope she sees sense that all you did was act plain stupid and that it isn't worth losing the marriage for
hope everything works out for you

Go GO Ressa

You are the reason she acts the way she does. The sicken part is... how you say you messed up the first time and then turn around and did it again and again. I would leave you too. If you are that nosy about what your ex is up to, then there is something still there. Why is it any of your business what she is doing, she does not want you. Now because of your inability to control your urges,your wife is heart broken. You guys just don't get the fact, when God made us, he gave us a hidden radar and you men keep trying to fly below the signals, but it keep picking up on you all bull crap. Get a life and leave your ex and the memory of her alone.

bluegirl6

Yeah, you are a bit of a tool for searching for your ex...he he. you know what they say, Curiosity killed the cat. And it was a little insensitive to have all the reminders of the ex about, but you did the right thing and they are gone now.
Not once in your question do you mention how much you love your wife.....maybe that is all she is looking for. She just needs you to tell her how very much she means to you and also (and I think this is the important bit) she needs to hear that you love her way more than you ever loved the ex.
Yes it is sad that you were not totally honest with her, but realisitically, who is at the beginning of a relatinship....sometimes you just dont know how somethings going to go, and once it starts getting serious, you get caught up in your lies and dont know whether to tell the truth. It is good that it is all out in the open.
I think the time has come to sit down with your wife, tell her what you are feeling......and then act on what you say. Forget about looking for the ex, I am sure she has moved on by now. You have a family.......which also probably explains some of her insecurities, it is hard to feel loveable when you are 8 months pregnant and feeling like a beached whale, and I can understand how finding out your husband is searching for an ex while you are a whale, would hurt! God I would feel like you didnt like what you were seeing with me so are looking for something better!
Anyway, good luck with it all. Be good to your wife!

racermom

I have to say that you have dug a pretty deep hole for yourself. Not an impossible one but pretty deep and wide it seems.

If you really want to save your marriage you need to be completely and totally honest with not only her but yourself.

I noticed that you wrote that you "fessed up" for the "most part" but what is it that you are still hiding?

You unfortunately have not created a warm comfortable feeling of trust and honesty to this point. You lied when you got together, you did multiple things to find your ex and didn't tell your wife.

I personally think that she truly has no reason to seach your computer but then again she has come up with a gold mine each and every time eh?

Earning her trust and confidence back is going to be a long, hard, difficult and frustrating road. Not an impossible one by any means but if you truly have NEVER cheated on her, will never hide things or lie to her again she will see by your actions that you are sincere.

I find it funny that you say she is the jealous type yet you have given her multiple reasons to be that way. Try and look at it as a positive since it is partially an attitude of your own making. She loves you enough to be concerned but realize that within that concern is insecurity that is rightfully gained by your past actions.

If you for some reason want to know about your ex you need to be able to say that to your wife. But then again why do you care? If the relationship is over then it needs to be over.

When you say that you and your ex split amicably what does that mean? I guess what I am getting at is that there were reasons you two are not together now. Time tends to fade the negatives and we do get a "rose colored glasses" view of past loves.

Do you love your wife? Tell her and show her! Do you want to stay married forever? Tell her and show her!

This will not be an easy nor a quick fix. You have a lot of trust and respect to regain. Like my Grandmother used to always say "If you have to hide it or lie about it you shouldn't be doing it!"

Ask your wife what she needs from you and give it!

Your son deserves a happy loving trust filled home. Provide it!

If you need outside assistance get it. If you think that you and your wife would benefit from counseling then you should initiate it. That way she knows just how important this is to you and that you really mean what you say when you say you want to make it work with her.

Besides that just love her with all of your heart, give her all of the reassurances that you can think of and never, never, never lie or hide anything from her again!

Good luck!

Lindsey

You are giving her every indication that you are still intrested in this girl. You need to apologize and tell her you are sorry. Don't bring anything up about this girl in your marriage again................unless it's something bad about her. You should make the attempt to walk up to your wife when the baby is asleep and admit how wrong you have been and how awfull that must look to her. Tell her sometimes I just don't think.......and you are the love of my life and I will never do anything to hurt you in that way again! Let her know you love her with all of your heart and soul that is why I choose to marry you........and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. Communication is so important to put her mind at rest about it all. Tell her how terrible this has to feel to her......and you should know better because you would feel awfull if she was doing things like this to you! Tell her you were thoughtless on how she was seeing things..........and more than anything you never want to hurt her and make her feel less important to you. Good luck.

the critic!!

you have two things going wrong here.. your abscent mindedness.. and a seriously jealous woman who if your son is 3 months old.. a post pregnant woman who deal with emotional problems as is... and the best advice i can give you is from a movie.. where a woman tells a friend you have to apologize and apologize till she tells you to stop apologizing.. and then you start apologizing for apologizing.. something like begging.. and if you love her like you say and want the marriage.. you have to stick it out.. and put up with it.. then when you work past it.. dont ever ever ever meantion an ex ever again... then after she cools down and moves on from it.. work on her jealousy problem.. but if you dont want the marriage any more.. two seperate happy parents is better then two miserable parents stuck with eachother.. good luck.. =)

the_hedda_lettuce

You know your WIFE was just on here about an hour ago posting the same sob story to us.

Don't tell us your life story. Tell her.

You weren't exactly truthful with her, regardless of wanting to protect her naive way of thinking. And then the EX comes back into the picture.

You guys are way toooooo much drama for this short attention spanned gal.

Mary O

For one thing you should never be checking on your ex why would you you are married what you don't love your wife and now want your ex back that is the only reason i would think of why you would be wanting to know about your ex and now you have made your wife feel insecure she probably feels that you don't want to be with her because if you did you wouldn't be checking up on your ex shame on you she would be better off without you, this is your fault you have brought this on yourself and if she divorces you then you will get visitation i feel no sympathy its just like you were cheating.

wwwdardar

Can you blame her, really? Your time married to your wife the "X" keeps coming up, but by who. Not her, she just reacting to your actions. How do you expect her to sleep good at night when you have a urge to look up the "X" when your bored or from time to time. Your not right. But you want to make it work. Am going to tell you what you need to do but are you going to do it? You need to educate yourself on relationships and you need to start TODAY not tomorrow TODAY. Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger has some really good books and easy reading and right to the point. If you went out or order these books to help you and your wife, your wife might believe you that your serious about trying to change your behavior. At this point anything you say is not going to help, you need to do something. And I think these books will be going in the right direction. She wrote the proper care of marriage, that's a book for the both of you to read together at bed time. Where you can talk about what you read. Then there's the proper care of feeding of husband your wife should read. Then there's ten stupid things couples do to mess up their relationship you can read. And most of all for the both of you stupid things parents do to mess up their kids. I know it sounds like a lot, but really you better do something or your going to end up in a divorce or separated. Let me tell you something about women, we take it in , because were made like that, we are the ones who nurture, we put in and we put out and when are body's had enough we know when to take no more. And when a women gets to that point it's over. So for you start TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Krinta

From some of the things you said here, if I were your wife I might find myself feeling the same way. Also searching for them on the computer wasn't much of a help for her to know you did it. If your being totally honest about why you did it, why would you really care who was the most successful of the two? Why give it much thought? Sometimes we can still have some feelings and deny them hoping they go away. Talking about an ex with a wife or husband only adds fuel to the fire. Women tend to let our minds get carried away with us, especially when it comes to someone who has been with our husband. Actions will speak louder than words, so if you want to stop this never google the x or speak of her again, this way it will help your wife. Tell her you love her without hearing her say it first, the small things mean a lot to us women.

meriq27

Although the ex is out of the picture that does not mean that you don't have feelings for her. If you did not why are you trying to find her on the Internet. If you had found her on You Tube what would you have done next? You might not of have called her but she is obviously still in your thoughts. As a married woman I understand why your wife would get jealous. On the other hand your wife should be more trusting and not have searched through your e-mails. It's like if she is trying to find something. TRUST is the most important thing in a relationship. I know that you know this but if you think about it the trust was broken after she found out the first time. After the first time she read your emails then it was only a matter of time before she would find something again. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you have felt? Maybe your wife is wondering what was so special about your ex that you could not and have not let go after 3-4 years. Try attending counseling. It's going to be hard at first but your wife really needs to work on trusting you again. Although you might feel as if you did nothing wrong reassure her that it was innocent web surfing then work on gaining your wife's trust again

cacau

Well, I simply adore my husband, but that doesnt stop me from wonder about my ex's life once in a blue moon... so show how much you love her and have your privecy with no guilty.

kathyw

You can't convince her. You have to go to marital counseling and beg for mercy. Yeah, you can't keep saying 'I screwed up' and then screw up again and again. You may not (or may, I don't really know) be sleeping with your ex-gf but you and your wife are not duking it out in the Outer outer spaces of the web and that's not good. You haven't smartened up yet, she's still jealous and you need marital counseling if you want to make a go of it.

Nena S

Trust is a fragile thing.

If it's broken, it can be mended.... but it will break again.
.........................................

You have been insensitive, have withheld important information and have planted the seeds of doubt in your wife and your marriage.

Why are you complaining about the results? You planted the seeds; now it's time to sow the harvest. You reap what you sow. If you plant arguments and suspicion, you will reap bitterness and pain.

Time to grow up and stop being selfish. Let her go and go find your famous ex.
I hope your wife gets over you fast.

arkiegirl

I think you both have some issues that need to be worked through, in order to save your marriage.

Your wife is obviously very jealous.. in a bit of an unhealthy way. I mean, I can understand how she would be upset about you looking up your ex and everything.. but it's not like you were sending her lovey-dovey e-mails or something. I understand why she's upset, but I do think she went a bit overboard with it.

You need to stop and ask yourself, why are you so intent on looking up your ex? Do you really believe yourself about how it's to find out if you're more successful than she is?? That doesn't sound believable to me, at all. Mainly because, there are other ways to find out how she is than to keep looking her up online. You could ask mutual friends, or something like that. The way you keep looking her up on different sites, makes it seem like you spend way too much time thinking about her.

I'm sorry.. I do hope you two can work things out, but it definately means that BOTH of you have some changing to do, or you will just keep having the same problems over and over.

My advice to you is, to stop searching for your ex! If you really have no interest in her, than leave it alone. You are only upsetting your wife when you do those things, and you know it. I do believe you, but I also see how it looks suspicious. It's one thing to be curious about an ex, to see how they're doing.. but to look for them, over and over again like that.. it doesn't look good on your part.

I really do wish you and your wife the best. I hope everything works out for you two.

Have a wonderful evening!

curlygirly84

You have hurt by starting your relationship in a very dishonest way. You say your motives were to protect her, but you need to dig down deep to find out why you really did it. These "unknown" reasons that inspire you to search on the web for your ex....stupidity! If you didn't want to get caught, you would have erased the history etc on your computer. You need to check your real feelings. If you want to convince your wife, then you better start acting like a faithful husband. A little groveling and nice guestures and some honest discussion might lead you along the right path.

lillian m

Dude what are you doing letting youre wife read youre email? Its not like you cheated on her. It sounds like she is realy inmature and youre not completly over youre ex. Youre wife needs to grow up stop being so insacure I mean you married her not youre ex right also she needs to stop reading youre emails. I would never sheat on my man but I still care for my ex so I know where youre comming from. I cant see why youre wife would be so jelouse unless you gave he a reason to. Maybee when you bring up the ex you talk about her like you still love her. I just wouldnt bring her up anymore and I wouldnt look her up on my own computer anymore. Im not telling you to lie to youre wife or cheat on her but some things should be private I maen why els do we have passwords for our emails why dont you have her get her own email acount. we share our email but we dont have this problem because we dont talk to our exes.

INDIAN

HAVE AN HONEST CHAT AND SOLVE UR OROBLEMS AMICABLY OR ELSE DECIDE WHAT TO DO

gi_jane_kicks_***

I honestly have no idea where to begin with this!
Your ex is part of who you are or at least how you came to be you. You can not remove that from your life or forget it. She should understand that. If it wasn't for you being with your ex, you would probably not be with your wife now. She helped prepare you to be with your wife.
Your wife is totally flippin nuts! Sorry, but its true. I ask my fiance questions about his ex's all the time because I want to know everything there is to know about him. I want to know every lil detail of his life because I love him. I do not want to erase anything he has ever expeirianced. He wouldn't be him with out it. And I love him.
You two need marriage counseling desperatly! She needs a psychiatrist to tell her "knock it off"! And of course with her venting to other women your going to look like the dog. I'm positive she makes it out to seem that way. But from everything you have said in this, your actually being completely normal. And still being 100% failthful.
I wonder how my ex's are doing all the time. In fact I still talk to alot of them because through our relationship we became friends. My fiance is friends with some of his ex's also. Which is fine by me. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. That's all there is to it.
Your wife needs to be thinking about your son also. Because I can promise he knows the tention that's going on between you two. He may be a lil tiny baby. But they still know something doesn't feel right. And pretty soon he's going to know more. And see more. You two need to get your stuff straight before that happens.
You obviously love your wife a great deal. Make sure she knows that. And make sure she knows you will do everything in your power to make it work.
I'm sorry your in this position. I know I'd hate to be. Two yrs ago I lived with a boyfriend. And I wasn't allowed to talk to my ex who I had been with for two yrs. And most of that he was over seas. So while he was there we became best friends. We were very close. But only as friends. My boyfriend hated us talking so badly that I wasn't allowed to go some where that I could call him from. I resented him for that. I lost that close friendship because of him. And it was just friendship. My fiance now, incourages for me to have friends. Granit, I don't hang out with ex's. But its still important.
I believe trust & communication are two of the very most important things in a relationship. If I don't have those, I feel I have nothing in the relationship. But its always worth fighting to get those things.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your wife. I really hope the two of you can work things out. Just remember, your marriage is definetly worth trying to save. You married her for a reason. You love her. =)

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