Why is my husband jealous of a dead man?

bronzebabekentucky

you are putting your new husband second to the dead guy... hes jealous cause you cant stop obsessing over the dead guy...
you dont love this guy, why are you with him?

kitkat

You are his problem! You need to stop with the talk and pictures and start living your life. The man is dead and he isn't coming back. Your son deserves a father and your husband is willing to fill that role. No one will take his blood fathers place but he deserves to have someone fill those shoes. You a very selfish woman, first off for marring this man and not participating in this marriage and second for cheating your son from having a real family life. Go get counseling and pray to God you havent ruined the good thing you and your son could have.......

D....

i dont get this..you admitted to discussing how much you loved your deceased husband with your new husband right there, without acknowledging how special he is to you now, how much you love him now, and how wonderful he is to you to your friends??
you know the pictures make him uncomfortable yet you keep them all over the house? you had to go on because of your son?

did you go to grief counseling? please do...then you will be able to see the answers your own questions as you sort through the pain of your loss...

Kim

Easy you have never given him the chance to be the man your late husband was, he lives in that shadow everyday, has constant reminders. That would hurt. I understand how you feel, I was 24 when my husband passed away. I loved him dearly, but as time passed I put his pictures away, I put my past away. I had to because it was the only way I could move forward and look for happiness again. I know he would never begrudge me finding a new love and new life with out him. You should let the memories be just that memories, cry into your pillow if you have to, have A picture in your dresser drawer, but stop making the new husband feel like he is never going to get out of that shadow. He needs to feel the sun on his face, he gave you a chance he is loving you and now its your turn too give him a chance and love him in return. Good luck

irish_jipper

err... read through what you've just wrote, thats why he is how he is, you dont love him, you love your first husband, and to be honest your being really mean to him, put yourself in his shoes for once, imagine how you would feel knowing you cant compare to a dead person even though you are crazy about this person

give me a thumbs down, but ... shame on you

Shortstuff13

How did you expect him to react? Put yourself in his place & ask yourself how you'd feel. I don't blame your husband for getting upset at the dinner party, when all you talked about was your first husband/the love of your life. No, it's not where does he get off being jealous of a dead man, it's, where do you get off behaving that way? Your husband is only human & it's very hurtful to him to hear you go on & on about your late husband & how is was the love of your life. Your new husband should be the love of your life now. I see nothing wrong with your husband wanting to adopt your son. He must really love him. Your way of thinking about that idea is your business, but if you keep acting as you are, you won't have to worry about your husband's actions, because he'll be gone. Of course your marriage to this husband is not like your first husband, but no two marriages ever are, so stop living in the past. It's not fair to Eric. If you can't see what the problem is, you need to seek counseling or be a single mom again.

INDUSTRYkurt

Read your own words... you put your first husband on a pedastal and put your new husband in as a replacement.

He needs to feel special, and it doesn't seem that you aren't providing that feeling.

Be the woman/wife that he needs/deserves.

satin3904

His problem is you calling your first husband, the love of your life.

JUST BECAUSE MALES HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS DOESN"T MEAN THEY DON"T HAVE THEM!!!!!!

zajucomom

How would you feel if your husband displayed pictures of his first wife in the house? It's ok that your son has one in his room.
To say you first husband was the love of your life to your friends
in front of him. You asked whats his problem. What's your problem. If you keep it up you will lose him.

Wendy K

YOU are probably the love of his life and it hurts him to know that he's not your "soul mate".

enigma64

I think he knows you are still in love with your first husband and can never compete with a dead man. He feels second best and I think having photos of the guy all round the house does little to make him feel comfortable! To be honest, I dont think you should have married your second husband!

~Autumnâ„¢

your poor husband. He must feel like crap. Why do you tell him so much about your deceased husband? you should cherish the man who is here with you now. He sounds like he loves you, and you haven't given him a chance.

happygirl

His problem is that you just referred to your last husband as the love of your life. What do you expect him to do, roll over and accept his position as second best?

You keep pictures up of your former husband, "all around the house." Huh? Put a picture up in your son's room, and maybe one on the wall in the livingroom. After that, put the rest away.

Stop idolizing your former husband. He had faults. I'll bet your current husband can't live up to your memories of the ex.

This man is willing to accept your son as his own, has offered to adopt him, etc., and all you're doing is rubbing his face in your ex's grave. There is nothing wrong with your husband adopting your son. Your son will always know who his natural father is. He can't HAVE his natural father. So you're going to deny him the only father he's ever known.

Real smart.

nwnativeprincess

You have made a terrible mistake in marrying this 2nd best husband. He is not jealous, he is tired of being 2nd.
You should have never married him. Quit ruining his life and let him find the woman of dreams, one that will love him back just as passionately. You had it, he deserves it.
Just because you haven't moved on, doesn't mean you should let him live in stalemate.

rachellou

He is not jealous of your first husband, but he is being made to feel inferior to him. You obviously loved your first husband very very much but you have to think of the life you have now and it isn`t fair to make your new husband feel like he is nothing compared to your first husband. Try putting yourself in his position and imagine how he must be feeling.

caroline1409f1

He knows you've a past - life, husband etc. but perhaps it's a little unfair of you to keep mentioning it - particularly in front of other people. I can understand how he's upset - how would you feel if it was the other way round? You need to sit down and talk it through - explain you will never forget your first husband, that you loved him and shared wonderful times and years together. Explain to him that you love him - just as much but perhaps differently and that you've had wonderful times too and that you value being with him and love him - just as much but differently. It's always better to look back on things and see them as perfect (whether they were or not) - I'm not saying time with your first husband wasn't wonderful but you probably remember it very fondly. Explain to your current husband you wouldn't have married him if you didn't love him. He needs to feel valued and feel he's not competing with a dead person - how could he ever 'win'? Be patient, kind and gentle when you talk to him. He honest and truthful - he shouldn't expect you to forget your first husband but perhaps you don't need to be quite so vocal in remembering him. Also, you need to think about your son, there are not that many men who would be willing to take on someone else's child and want to adopt them - remember your son deserves a 'Dad' whether it's his biological dad or not. Good luck.

Fergus Lim

Ha? What is YOUR problem? How will you feel if your current husband compare you to his ex girlfriend? 'Oh when i was young, i use to be with this girl and i was really heads over heels for her. Nothing can compare to that.' What if your husband say that? How will you feel? The truth is, Tyler was right. Why you say yes and married him when you cant move on? Seriously, if you love Tyler, move on. MOVE ON. you have to know, you lost your first husband already and if you continue what you doing now, don't be surprise if you lose Tyler. Putting pictures of your first husband around the house? Good God and i though women are suppose to be more sensitive. A man is the king of his castle and when he reach home, do you think he want to see pictures of his wife, late first husband? What if he put the pictures of his ex girlfriend around the house? How will you feel? People die, but they live on in our hearts and minds. You are been selfish dear, REALLY selfish. If i am Tyler, i will be crushed, know whatever i do, i cant compare to your late husband. It doesn't matter if it a dead man or not. It the fact that you cant move on bother him. So move on and have a happy life. For Tyler's sake, for your child and also for you.

Lindsey

Because you can't compete with a ghost. I sympathize with your loss completely, but the past is gone and this is the here and now. Your husband doest feel that you are as committed to your future with him and that you have built a shrine of your past husband. He feels he cannot compare to a saint, and and as you always comment "the love of my life". He loves you very much, desires to hear that he is the love of your life now. He knows with your expressed feelings he would never have you to love if your past husband were here. He doesn't want to think of you without his life never being in it. I know that you are not doing anything to hurt him intentionally but it is. It is ok to place one nice picture of your sons father in his room........but, all the rest of the pictures could be placed in a nice photo album for your personal viewing when you and your son want to look at them in private. As far as your now husband wanting to adopt your son .....It could be the way he is telling you that he is accepting full responsibility for being his dad and will always be there for him? The last name of your child is an honor for him to keep and always hold and he is his fathers name sake......that I would never change. I understand how the love you had with your past husband was special and no one could take his place......but now there is someone that needs you to make him feel he is just as important to. It's ok for you to do that and where your past husband is today he wants you to be happy and move on in your life because he was a good man. This husband now is not perfect.....and had your husband continued on in this world...... down the line he could have made mistakes to. Just try to see things somehow through your present husbands eyes.. how all this may feel to him. Your guests should show respect to and share their memories when your husband of today is not around. Life is what is happening today based on the memories that you and your husband are making.......Because all this conversation at the party even may make him feel that he could never walk in your past husbands shoes or own up to be as accepted for what he could mean to everybody else for who he is. I don't believe that he is jealous of a dead man I think he wants him put to rest where his present life with is concerned. He sounds very much in love with you and wants you to be in love with him. To me that is what I would expect from someone that I married and decided to share the reat of my life with.......and that is what he wants and needs from you. I write this with much respect please do not take me wrong.....I sincerely wish all all of you a good and happy life.

gorgeousfluffpot

put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel being constantly, and silently compared to a dead person? The trouble is, when someone dies all their faults die with them and they are often fondly remembered as nearly a saint, so he feels he cannot compare.
So to your question: why not allow him to adopt your son? He's the nearest thing to a father that your boy has and, if something happened to you, he would be able to raise your little boy (who might otherwise be taken away and placed in care). Your son should have some photos of his father, but in his bedroom. Don't put them on display in the lounge, etc - it makes your husband feel uncomfortable but your son should have the pictures.
I suspect that if you started appreciating your husband for his qualities instead of mentally comparing him to your first husband - and finding him wanting - then he wouldn't be so resentful of the times you reminisce about your youth with your first husband.
I suspect, however, that at the root of this all you are still grieving for your first husband and there's a lot of emotion still there. Probably you don't feel you can move on emotionally. See a counsellor to deal with this.
But don't punish your husband because he's not your first husband. It sounds like you have a good guy there. Don't let your ghosts push him away.

drvndrm2

I fell sorry for your husband. How can he ever hope to compete with a dead man whose faults you have chosen to gloss over and forget. You are among the luckiest of women and too foolish to realize it. Put up the dead man's pictures except for a couple for your son's room and wrap your arms around the loving man who is still alive and warm and apparently good to you and your son. Ask your son how he feels about being adopted by your husband-the answer may surprise you. You are the luckiest of women to have been loved by two good men. Think how you would feel if you were in your husband's shoes.

tattylashes

keep your first husband in your thoughts but don't think out loud..this man married you because he loves you and he's willing to take on your son too...next time you reminisce...keep the past in the past...he's upset about the (the love of my life) bit....no wonder he's upset....you'll never forget your first husband but you can keep him in your thoughts...i don't think your 2nd husband i jealous, i think he's embarrassed by the comments you made about your first husband in front of your friends...it seems like he was not included in the conversation and felt a little bit put out, i don't blame him for being upset

â™¥Gabâ™¥

It's hard for you second husband because you didn't get a divorce with your first husband, you got separated by death, witch means you always loved your first husband. But you need to move on and give your second husband a chance. All i can see is that he's been great from the begging and you just do things without thinking of his feelings. It's OK to keep a picture of your first husband, try keeping it in your sons room not all over the house. Your second husband is right, you make him feel like he's nothing especially if your always talking about your first husband, it's normal he's going to get mad. You are not giving him a chance, you are always reminding him of your first husband, hard to compete especially (God rest his soul) that he's dead. Hope things works out for you.

Best of luck

Ghost of the Curiousity-Cat

Mam..
I am from South Africa. My wife and I are trying to deal with a sort of similar scenario. She slept with Mr. wonderful when 2 months before we ever met, but it still affects me psycologically.
You now husband loves you dearly - Trust me that this is why he is so hurt that he has to share your heart and that no matter how much he loves you or your child, he is getting the left over emotions that you created only so that you can move on. Something that you could have let him know about BEFORE you married him. If you needed help with you kid, you could have got a nanny. - I am sorry but that is what your marriage seems to be based on.
Its true that you don't love him...
This is so much torture for your husband. From experience, I can add that this really hurts his feelings perhaps as much as you were hurting when your 1st passed away. You guys made a mistake. You were NOT ready to move on. Your husband might have married you partly cos he felt sorry for your condition. Now that he knows he can never have you whole heartedly, he OBVIOUSLY becomes upset. Imagine your first husband who you still love so much was alive, but he was the one that was still in love with his dead wife. - Now use this intense love you have for your late husband as a way of seeing how your NOW husband feels about you still obsessing over your first husband.

you guys need to go your separate ways...unfortunately. Personally, I think you want someone to tell you that. Cos I am sure you know this already. Its not his fault or your fault... life happens. its our choice as to how we react to these happenings. I hope you guys sort your lives out...

dezchamp

I'm so dissapointed, i'd hoped this was about elvis:D

Anyway, sounds like you never really moved on so given what you've said here i think he's got a right to be upset. Not that it's entirely your fault though, the guy you married musta at least had some clue that you weren't really ready for another relationship.

auburnchic_68

Because you need to let go of your first husband. That's not to say that you will ever forget him. You won't. Especially since you have a son by him. But you need to move on and think about the future, not live in the past. Take down your first husbands pictures, but keep them somewhere for your son. He should have one in his room, but other than that, keep them in a book for when he's older. As far as going back in time with your friends...he needs to accept that you have a past, but you need to not dwell on "the old times". Why don't you let your husband adopt your son? He will never have his own father to help raise him. Yes he has a dad, but he is one of those lucky ones that has another man who would very much like to be his daddy. Why not let your son have a daddy? He will always know he has a real dad, but he will also know he has another that will love him and raise him and play ball with him, etc. I am not sure how old your son is, but I'm guessing he is old enough to understand what adoption is and that Eric does not want to take his dad's place. Ask Tyler what he wants. Let him ask both of you questions about it. Don't deny him the opportunity to have what so many kids don't...a two parent home with both momma and daddy still together. Put yourself in your husband's place. How would you feel if you had to constantly be reminded of his former love on a daily basis. You would feel like you would never measure up either.

EllieMae

Oh dear, you are dignified in the eternal love for your first husband, but think about how these out pouring of feelings are effecting your husband and his confidence. You are setting standards so high he would need to go to heaven to meet up to them. What you really need to do is step back and take time for yourself, you need to be happy and if you have never really loved him, then he will never be able to keep up with your first husband because you loved him so very much. Your husband sees it as though he is here on earth trying so hard to make you the happiest woman, but he is failing and you are letting him know that. I hate to fail, so I imagine he does too. You deserve whatever your heart desires, yet so does he, he should feel like the center of his wife's world too. I forgot this important fact lately and almost lost my husband I am so glad I took the time to look at it from his point of view because I never realized how my actions and words were making him feel. Your first husband would want nothing other than for you to be happy so take time to decide if you really are, and do whats best for the both of you, you both deserve that.

Lucy

Basically, I think you botrh need to take a long hard look at yourselves. You, shouldnt have been throwing in his face about your dead husband, especially in fornt of guests, imagine if he was doing the same to you, saying his first girlfriends was way better than you to all of his mates. If you know you cant love another, why did you marry him and why do you make him feel hurt.

On the other hand, I think he needs to be more understanding of your situation, true love is hard to find, and it is even harder to let go of. You both need to sit down and have a heart to heart, see whether you can go on living like this. I hope you are not offeded and I hope I have helped in some way. Best wishes for the future.

paul49177

your husband isn,t dead at all,you talk of him like there,ll never be anyone else, in front of your now husband ,how would you feel if it was him doing it to you,from what you say your friends say about him, you don,t deserve a man like him,your spoilt and you know it ,your using this poor man,your in love with yourself too. he wants to leave you if he has any sense.

lizjess2000

im sorry hun i know u lost someone u loved very much an its hard, but your husband must feel like he is trying to compete with your dead husband all the time, its not fair on him if u cant love him like he loves u an stop making him feel second best let him go

Zebra

Oh Honey; I am not sure why in the world you brought your new husband even into your world. He deserves better. I am currently dating a widow(2 and half years), who still has his deceased wifes underwear by his bedside, lipsticks in the drawers and pictures everywhere. It feels so degraging and I am not sure why he started a relationship anyway. Please love him or leave him, you are very insensitive and I feel for your new husband.

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