Why should I pretend to love my wife?

I have been married for 29 years. My home life is in turmoil right now. I seem to have fallen out of love. Due to many other problems, I have build an imaginary wall around myself for protection. My wife is a very proficient verbal abuser. She can make accusations and deny she ever said them. She wants to vent at me for problems, yell at me for everything, but yet when I want to respond or talk about the problems I have, she says you just need to let it go and get over it. We are borderline divorce. We have been through 3 counselors and we are at a standstill. My wife says all she wants is for me to hug her more, cuddle with her more. The analogy is, imagine you've got a mad dog in the corner, growling, snarling, you're not going to walk up to it and say good dog and try to pet it. One of our conselors used the phrase "fake it til you make it". What if I am mentally and/or unable to hug her, put my arm around her, "pretend" like I want to? Why should I have to force myself to do something I do not want to do?

To all you young, unmarried girls, isn't this like your parent saying here's this boy, you're going to love him, you're going to have to fake like you love him until you do?

So, what's my choice now? Divorce, cover up my feelings, and fake it?

happier days

you and your wife like to feed off each other's dysfunction, otherwise, you two would never have lasted 29 yrs. but if you're truly sick and tired of taking her sh*t and are at your breaking point, then leave her and seperate and/or file for a divorce. she's never going to change and if you decide not to leave her, then you're going to die a very unhappy and lonely man by your own choice. best of luck to you.

alialoggi

I wouldn't hug anyone that is being verbally abusive or mean to me. The counselor is probably suggesting you fake the love and romance part, but, not suggesting you hug someone who is going off on an emotional tirade? Honestly, why would you stay married to someone who is mean to you? File for divorce, forget about the guilt that you must stay together, and if you have kids, they will probably wonder, "What took you so long," if she is really this bad. Time to move on. You can only work on a marriage is she and you are both willing to make changes. You wouldn't tell a child to be nice to someone who is being mean to them, would you? Move on!

pppppffffttt

You're allowed to walk away, its ok. I went theu it w/ my husband and life is too short, especially when you give them chance after chance to change. Chances are shes not very happy either. So let it go and find some pleasure in whats left of your life, because you will regret it more later right?

NuWave

I can't believe some of these people are really blaming you! She's verbally abusive and you guys have already been through three different counselors? I'd say enough is enough. If she truly cared about you, she would have taken responsibility for her actions with the first counselor.

Why should you have to be depressed & miserable for the rest of your life? This woman will continue to treat you the same way whether it's a month or 10 years from now. You've been together a long time so I won't pretend like it's an easy decision. However, how much more can you really take? Three counselors sounds like three strikes to me and if she doesn't want to divorce, I'd say it's time for an ultimatum.

Ladybugs77

Wow, if you are that unhappy, you have got to end it. You can't go through your life faking to love someone. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you. I don't understand why someone with a degree in psych. can honestly say fake it til you make it! That is just absolutely absurd! And he/she is making how much of your money an hour. You sound as though you've had it and when you get to that point in your life, it's time to let go. Yes, you have been with this woman for 29 years, but do you want to spend the next 29 this unhappy?

BUBBAOBUBBA

This sounds just like my marriage ! What i have been doing is fake it. I will continue to do this until her son is grown and out of the house. If he was gone, i would be too. No one needs that kind of abuse.

Sarafina

You know the answer... If your heart was still invested in some small way, I'd say you should try to work on it more, but you've obviously checked out. It's not fair to you, your wife or your kids for you to "fake" loving her. You need to get yourself out of the situation.

Horse Up

It sounds like she is the one not happy. Why else would she be such a bulldog?
Sometimes you just gotta be firm with your words. Her being verbal like that is so trashy and not a turn on, so why do you allow her to talk to you like that? Makes no sense.

Harmony19

Sorry folk you should at-least start doing what is right for both of you. First of all search your heart if there is any love left for your wife. If the answer is yes then try a last time to compromise and if the answer is no then go for separation immediately. There is no point in enduring these abuses. 29 years itself is a very long time.

jasmine d

absolute worst advice I ve ever heard....fake it till you make it....you wife owns equal responsibility in this as well......and if she is being horrid...there is absolutely no reason on earth that you should want to hug her.....tell her exactly what you have told us....but add to the end.....how her behaviour makes you feel....but you dont have to be unkind about it.....but you need to shake her out of her denial at what she is doing....untill such times that both of you are willing...and able to make ammends....I m afraid you are headed for divorce.....but the one thing you can do to start is complimenting her on things that you do like.....but make them real complements.....I wish you well....but the road back to a good marriage will be long and hard.....and take two commited people...good luck : )

Pri

Hi, im sorry you're marriage is going through this, i honestly would suggest for divorcing your wife, because it's unhealthy living the way you are, if you dont have feeling for her and are afraid to even try to approach her because you dont know how she'll act it's not worth living in such a manner, marriage is supposed to be full of love, happiness , mutual support, and respect. if you're lacking that it's impossible to fake it, because you cant fake your feelings, it's been such a long marriage and it is worth trying to save it , but it's not a one way street both of you have to put a little effort into the relationship if it's only one person working towards it and the other not working on it , it's not going to work. i really wish you the best of luck. =)

Scared

Your scenario is flawed. You compare your relationship to being forced into a relationship. You weren't forced you loved this woman at one time and through the years those feelings have become skewed or flawed.

You can get it back, but it sounds like you would rather give up them actually put effort in your relationship. You said your wife is screaming for attention/affection from you. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic.

I suggest leaving her. You aren't going to work on the relationship and neither of you are going to be happy until you do. Let her find someone that would care enough to try.

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