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Will someone else even want me or am I damaged goods?
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Will someone else even want me or am I damaged goods?

I'm 25 years old, been married for 5 years. I've been very unhappy in my marriage and my husband has hit me twice. Once (3 years ago) he punched me in my leg and last night he threw a remote control at my hand and left a big bruise and it's swollen and hurts when I touch it.

I don't want to stay in this relationship because frankly I'm scared of him at times. He has a bad temper and I've been walking on egg shells for these past few years because I don't want to provoke him. He's like Dr.Jeckyll and Mr.Hyde-he can change in a split second.

I don't want to sound like its all bad because we have great times together also. He's not like this all the time. He supports me financially. I'm in college full time and if I leave he said he'll take my car and I'll have to drop my classes.

I just don't want to live the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage.. I don't know if we can work it out but I feel like nobody else will want a divorced woman and I don't want to be alone.


    




John
Rating
Unless you are a single mom, being divorced is no more of a handicap then the 75 percent of single women that sleep around. If you are pretty and have a waist to hip ratio [measured at the widest hip and narrowest waist after exhaling] of 0.7 or less most men will want to marry you. If you have average looks, you can do just as well as most average looking girls.

Go to the doctor over the bruise. What you want is any medical evidence that can be introduced that he has abused you. Also, pay for a couple of visits with a psychologist. Make sure it is someone qualified as an expert witness so that he can testify for you that you feared your husband.

Once the court looks and hears the evidence and determines that your husband is an abuser, they will come down on him very hard. When you file for divorce, get a restraining order. If your husband violates the restraining order, the court will punish him even more by increasing the amount and duration of you support. So hopefully he will visit and you can call the police and he will be in violation of the court order. Don't tell your husband you called the police. Just tell the police when they arrive that your husband is inside, that you are afraid of him, and that he is in violation of the court order. They will arrest him and release him after several hours. However, you will have a police report that you can use in court to make you husband look even worse.

Even without all of the above you would have gotten half the marital assets, including one of the cars, and temporary support to finish college or at least support for a couple of semesters. The above just guarantees you more money and more alimony.


Rusty Knight
Rating
Get OUT of the abusive relationship.

What's next? He's cooking and throws a pan at you?

Men do not hit women. Ever.

You should speak with a lawyer, soon. The longer you wait, the more you expose yourself to an escalation of violence. Don't be afraid of his threats. Even if he does (by some miracle) succeed in screwing you over in a divorce, what is the worst that can happen? You can get a new car, you can always go back to school. It's sort of hard come back from dead.

What if you get pregnant? Would you put a child in that situation?

Take a look around. There are divorced women everywhere. You don't even have to worry about children at this point.

Get out. Soon.


Elizabeth G
You should never ever ever ever stay in an abusive relationship for any reason. My son's father had more money than God, but he was verbally abusive and I left. I have struggled financially, but never ever regretted it for one second.
Why are you DAMAGED? silly girl, you are a wonderful precious human being. You will be damaged if you stay though. GET OUT.


Wildflower
If being in an abusive relationship was he!! all the time, no one would stay.. the reason the abused stay is because the abuser is so good and so right when they aren't being abusive.. it's called the cycle of violence.. there is a honeymoon period where everything is bliss, then a buildup of pressure, then an explosion either verbal, physical or both, then back into the honeymoon where he is oh so sorry, and you shouldn't have made him mad, and if you'd just _____ fill in the blank... and each time he does it, he gives himself permission to do it again.. and so do you by staying.. it gets worse and continues, that's why it's called the cycle..

Don't wait until you have brought children into this violent home! Get out, get out now.. you can start again.. . He can't take your car.. get in it and leave.. go somewhere safe, if no where else, to a women's shelter.. they have legal aid and people to help you.. sue his pants off for alimony.. no one should live afraid and walking on eggshells...

Don't be like me.. I waited until he attacked me in front of our two year old, who screamed all the way to the police station for Daddy not to hurt Mommy anymore.. I held her in my arms and ran for our lives... Now, a year later, she still tells him not to hurt Mommy..

I almost waited too late.. please don't make my mistake.. she's forever scarred with what she saw that day.. thank God he didn't turn on her too...

By the way... if you need a success story - it's been a year, I have my car, I have sole custody of our child, I am working and taking online grad classes so I can do it at night when she's sleeping.. we live in a 3 bedroom home .. and I have all I need... we don't live in fear of him anymore...

There is a better life waiting for you..

Please email if you need / want to talk..


Jimithy â„¢
I've never had a problem dating a woman who was divorced. People make stupid mistakes when they are young, that's alright. You learn from it and move on. I'm not going to lie, some guys will have a problem with it, but you don't need to bring it up on the first date.
Get out of the relationship, have some alone time, then when you're ready, get out there and try again.


misty_dawn1100
Rating
That's how he keeps you there is by making you think no one else will want you. You deserve better than that. And trust me they're out there. There is no excuse for domestic violence, get out as soon as possible.


that judi
I think your priorities are a little skewed. Wondering if someone else will ever want you should be the least of your concerns right now. First, deal with why you married this guy and why you have stayed when he exhibits this violent streak.
If you don't leave now, you can start over, finish school, havea life. Start with small steps...move forward. Good Luck to you!


Derric Mac
Rating
Sweetie, a car and tuition are no replacement for your life. If he's hit you a few times now with no consiquences, its safe to say that he feels very confident that he can do it and always get away with it. Now part of me wants to tell you to wait till he's asleep and then you trow some hot grease on him. But trying to take the non-violent approach I will tell you this, GET OUT!!!!! This is only going to get worse, who the hell cares if anybody would want a divorced woman. Why should you give a damn??? You need to be conserned about him killing you as opposed to if you'll ever get a boyfriend. You should be asking yourself if anyone would date someone divorced with battle scares or if they will date someone divorced but who's dead. Sweetie please love and respect yourself enough to get out of there. Violent relationship only get worse over time, read the stats!!!


Karin
Rating
First of all, anyone who hits you (even if it's only now and again) is not worth your time, effort, affection, etc. You should not have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Also, the fact that he has threatened to take away your car if you two split up suggests that he is overly controlling. (More than likely, if you two divorce, you'll both split everything. You may or may not be able to keep your car. An attorney would know much better than I do.)

Second, 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. That said, I doubt anyone would turn you down because you've been divorced. Half of the people you'll be dating will also be divorced (maybe less than half, given that you're only 25). Still, no one will mind dating someone who has been divorced.

Based on the information you've given, it sounds like you're unhappy more than you are happy in this relationship. I wouldn't recommend staying in the relationship just because he pays for your college tuition and car. You can be self-sufficient if you try, although some things (like college) may be more difficult or may have to be put on hold for a while. I don't think it's worth your health to be in an abusive relationship. If you and your husband are willing, maybe you can see a marriage counselor. You could also go by yourself, to get some insight from a neutral third party. If not, maybe you should talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. At least you would be informed if you decide to get a divorce.

This is a tough decision that you have to make alone. Just ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. Would you want to raise kids with such an unstable man? If you plan on having kids, you need to think about their health and safety, too. Good luck with your decision.


cope_acetic
Rating
Your husband is showing all the signs of a classic abuser, and his behavior will continue getting worse.

Lots of divorced women (even ME, in my FORTIES) find love again. Do what you need to in order to be free from his violence, before he really HURTS you.

Good luck!


Joey
Rating
no you wouldnt be damaged goods.
i am divorced and have recently remarried

as far as not leaving because he will take your car...so what..its materialistic..you can get another one--he has hit you and you are miserable...do you really want to live like that? get yourself out and finish your classes and make it all about you.

good luck


California Kush
I can see that your marriage has taken a toll on your self confidence. Of course someone will still want you. You are 25 years old. Get out of this relationship, and enjoy being single for a while. Re discover life and you'll notice yourself getting some of your confidence back. Worry about you and your happiness.


Wingin It
Rating
you're young - you'll have plenty of chances at another romance. good god, do you know how many people out there are divorced 2,3,4 times and still find someone else? if you can swing it, i'd say try to finish school - depending on how much you have - and then dump him. just stay out of his way. if you have to leave, there are ways you can finish school - student loans, but you have to have a job. where there's a will, there's a way. make it work (your education) no matter what you decide. but if he scares you like that, then the relationship is not a fit for you and you probably need to consider leaving. but get your education so you can take care of yourself. good luck


Fatima
Rating
You will be ok if you leave now. You will be Dead Goods if you remain. Hurry hon, get out of there.


Sara M
Please for your sake - leave him - now, don't wait around for things to get better. Don't let him blackmail you into putting up with him. The angry abusive side of him is the real him. Don't worry about finding another person, that will happen. don't worry about classes - you'll find a way, even if it means taking a break. It is not worth risking your saftey.

Good luck, stay safe!


dozyllama
Rating
It's 2007 not 1907! Leave the b@stard now. I managed at the age of 22 with two young sons aged 5 and 3 to look after them and a home and go to college without any help from anyone! I am sure you haven't got things as tough as that! Cars are not essential things, there are buses, and I assume you have legs for walking with. If necessary you could get a part time job and apply for a grant or something to finish your education. Plenty of other divorced women cope and come out stronger emotionally afterwards, I am sure you can get above this too and find someone who will love you for the woman you are.


Kerri W
Rating
Don't worry honey you are not going to be "damaged goods". If your relationship is that bad then get out. No one can hold it against you for not staying in a abusive relationship. And if they do hold it against you then they are not the kind of person you want to be with anyways. As far as your college and car, try not to worry about them too much. You can always find a way to get another car and go back to college. If your classes are already paid for then you shouldn't have to drop them this semester you just may have to take a break till you get on your feet. Believe me it is not impossible because I have done it. Hang in there and keep your chin up. If you want and need to leave then leave and don't let him hold crap over your head. Do what is right for you!!!!


rockabilly.betty
are u kidding? most single women nowadays have been married before..sure you got a chance at happinnes with someone else..i suggest you get a job..take a couple less classes move in with a friend/family member who will understand your situation and pay them back..it is nothing new..you should get out now though before he gets even more violent..listen to the signs before you stuck in this hel.l of a marriage. good luck hun!


metalwife
You need to get out of this relationship for your safety. If he you guys want to to go to marriage counseling than do so, but you cannot live with him until he gets help. And as for somebody not wanting you because you are divorced....don't worry I was 20 when I got divorced(I know what was I doing getting married so young, but I learned from that mistake). I have a great husband and family now. You will be just fine!!! Do not let these negative thoughts destroy you. If you believe taht you are worthless than that is how men are going to percieve you. If you love yourself, that confidence will be radiant and men will love you regardless of your past!! Good Luck!!


mnshaheed
Rating
SWEETHEART,

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,YOUNG AND STILL HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. ...AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, HELL YES, SOMEONE WOULD WANT YOU.....HELL,I WOULD WANT YOU. BABY YOU ARE A SWEET LADY THAT HAS BEEN PRESERVED BY BEING IN YOUR MARRIAGE, UNLIKE SOME OR MOST YOUNG WOMEN YOUR AGE. BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE... STAY FOCUSED SWEETIE AND KNOW IN YOUR HEART THAT GOD SEES THAT YOU ARE TRULY TRYING TO BETTER YOUR CONDITION.. IF THAT A__HOLE HITS YOU AGAIN, SIMPLY CALL THE POLICE..PLEASE DONT STAY AND ENDURE THAT BECAUSE IT COULD LEAD TO SOMETHING WORSE,(EVEN DEATH)... I AM A VERY GOOD FRIEND,IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE. IM NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY, AS I HAVE A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND THAT I LOVE DEARLY!! SHES MY ANGEL..
....BUT IM HERE IF YOU EVER JUST SIMPLY NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN AND HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR PAIN...MY HOME NUMBER IS (817)457-1905. CALL ANYTIME OKAY.. HELL, IN COURT YOU WILL LIKELY END UP RECEIVING ALIMONY FROM HIS _SS ANYWAYS... (SMILE SWEETHEART) BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!


jerseygirlprincess
get out now and call the local police


jbknative
You are not damaged goods. I myself have gotten out of a relationship just like that and eventually found someone that was loving and caring.
You need to get out while you are still in one piece physically. Mentally you need to seek counseling.
You are in charge of your life, how you want to be treated and how you want to be loved. Right now you are being abused and you are allowing another person that control. For your sake PLEASE get out and get help.
Dropping classes should be the least of your worries. Your biggest fear should be leaving in one piece. PLEASE, PLEASE GET OUT NOW.


Gooby
Rating
You need to discuss this with him. If you look in the Tribune Paper (i dont know if i spelled the news paper name right, but you get it) in the comic section there is an Ask Amy is right with the comics during the week. Well anyways you can write to her and she will give you the best help you need. I hope this helps you! But, to me it sounds like he needs to grow up.


sarah kay
Rating
you're not damage goods. you're soul damaged. and you're ONLY 25. why don't you get some counseling? I'm sorry to say this but it seems like you want to keep him until you're finished college and he payed for that. i suppose you either have to keep on walking on eggshells or get a student loan or a part time job. you need to grow up. the reality is we always pay for what we get in one way or another. you'll have to be more independent either in or out of this marriage.


lousy@love
Your biggest concern should be your safety, not your car. Call a lawyer right away.


odds10to1
Abuse never gets better. It only gets worse. If the car is in your name, he couldn't take it if he wanted to. But if it's in his name, then you may have a problem there. You could be looking around for a cheap used car that you can buy. You do need to get out of that relationship. Your not damaged goods, and I'm sure there are lots of good guys just waiting for their chance to be with you. Just look around at your friends and his especially.


icthus0744
Rating
First of all, you are not or ever will be damaged goods. Everyone goes through trials and people make mistakes. There are men out there who treat you with the respect you deserve. You are not happy with your relationship. I suggust try to do marriage counseling. I think you should try as hard as you can to make this marriage better. Marriage is such a precious things and I believe it is worth saving. However, if he is abusive (and it sounds like he is), your safety is the most important. Maybe stay with a friend or family member until you have agreed on counseling or anything else. I wish you the best


harold
Rating
You found him, you will find someone else. Just because you are divorced, doesn't mean a thing to most men. Hell. most of the men you will meet are divorced. So don't let that stop you.





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