"Once a cheater, always a cheater" question.?

Cyclist 2300

The Catholic Church..... always hopes that there might be a chance for reconciliation, and that the marriage can be saved.

although there are many instances where once a person cheats, they will again.......... there are many as well... that learn their lesson the first time.... and do not cheat again.

like most catch phrases.... they have some truth.... but not total truth.

I have helped many couples get over infidelity..... and have strong sound marriages afterwards.

Congratulations on yours.

TRUTH HURTS OOO K

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a dumb phrase, I'm 45 and in my life experience I have never met a man that doesn't cheat and about 85% of women cheat. So the phrase should read "Once a man, always a cheater" and "Once a woman, almost always a cheater" LOL

New York C

Regaradless of if they ever cheat a 2nd time, in your heart and mind once they cheat, they will always be a cheater. You say she cheated once, but no matter how you slice it, she will always be a cheater on top of everything else, becuase she cheated on you even only 1 time. She could be the best wife, mother, cook, lover, person, whatever. But in your heart, she is still a person who cheated on you - a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater does not mean they will always continue to cheat on you, but simply that for the rest of your life, they will always be a person who did cheat on you. 10 years after the fact you are questioning this. See what I mean? Say what you want, but you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever forget that they cheated on you. Once they do it, they will forever be branded a cheater. Period.

Justin H

There is merit to the phrase. It is often much easier for a person to do something again once they have done it once. And I think there are far more examples of serial cheaters than there are of people who do it once and never do it again.

I don't have any problem with the fact you and your wife worked through her cheating. I think it show maturity and devotion to your relationship. But I would imagine it's still in the back of your mind if you ever see her being too friendly with another guy or if she's working late - even if you choose not to think about it.

Whether to try and salvage the relationship probably depends on whether the cheater seems genuinely sorry for what they did (rather than the fact they got caught) and how honest they were about the situation. I know I would be more forgiving if I was told by her and asked for forgiveness than if I discovered it on my own.

That being said, I can't fault someone who decides to end a marriage/relationship after just one infidelity. Being able to trust your partner is being faithful is essential to the relationship working and without that trust, how can you trust anything else.

Stephen K

BUT she was willing to admit she made a mistake and worked very hard to restore belief in her.

Many cheaters, when taken back, assume that the person who forgives is a bit of a stupe and the cheater vows to be more careful and not get caught.

It is those instances when you realize that the cheater is going to abuse that trust. When you took those vows, you took them seriously. You assume your partner does, so why did she feel the need to stray?

I am glad that you were able to work it out; most people aren;t that lucky

WildRockMan

There is no one right answer here. It has to be on a case by case basis and dealt with by the people involved. Infidelity can have almost any cause.

clio

I guess what it boils down to is that you are lucky in each other. You are lucky to have a wife who was able to learn from her mistakes and change; she was lucky enough to have a man with a strong and courageous soul for a husband.
I tried as hard as I could to save my marriage but my husband wasn't interested. In the end, I understood his cheating for what it was: a big neon signal telling me to get lost. I am sorry he did not have the courage to tell me to my face. Instead, for some reason, he kept lying and kept telling me not to leave.
So you see, there are cheater and cheaters. Some are salvageable. I suspect most are not.

Liz A

If you and your spouse made it work....... congrats to you, you both are a rare couple. Many people who cheat and are kept in the relationship cheat again because of the "I got away with it" attitude. I'm happy for you that your relationship was different. Good job for hanging in there.

Flan

Sometimes it is easier to just cut off the marriage and start over, sometimes it isn't. Each relationship is different and complicated and no cliche will ever be an ultimate answer on how to deal with a problem.

Things worked out for you. Good. More power to you. If she has never cheated again, then it worked out for you and you should be happy for that.

I however, had a different experience. I should have cut off my relationship with my wife when I found out about the first two times she cheated on me, but I didn't. My return for my forgiveness... More cheating from her. 10 years of my life were a lie.

People are different and there is never a right or wrong answer for these kinds of things. It all depends on the people involved make the decisions that affect the rest of their lives. You seem to made a smart decision and it worked for you. I made a dumb one and it bit me in the but. It is all up to chance and if you can play the game and win.

Sue B

Some do work through it. I suppose you can call them the lucky ones??
I didn't want to be, but I was married 3 times. All of them cheated. I allowed the 1st one to get away with it so many times, I doubt I could count them all. It only took my 2nd and 3rd to be caught once. And me and the kids were out of there.
I've always thought a cheater CAN change, but only in another relationship!! In one in which they feel all their needs and wants are based.
You seem to have had "religious" folks talk you into saving your marriage. Maybe that's good in many ways, but RELIGIOUS people cheat too. Maybe their the ones who feel it's OK to do and keep shareing the life in which isn't real??
Too many don't leave or do anything about it becaue of MONEY and material things. They know they'd do with less if they kicked the cheater to the curb and they don't want to give up those "THINGS". They all give up love, copassion, TRUST, passion, for money and material things.

killinhippies

learning how to forgive is the hardest lesson ever and i can honestly tell you that i haven't learned it yet. it's such a 'godly' thing to be able to forgive someone eventhough you have been broken, hurt, let down by someone. i have always wondered how people reconcile their marriages when cheating is the cause. but then again i have seen people like yourself mending it and giving it a second chance. personally i really don't think i can do it all over again if my husband ever cheat on me.

mstanmicer

Nothing is absolute, there is no right answer because everyone is different. Their are ppl in the world who cheat and will always cheat, their are ppl who may cheat once see the error of their ways and become the best partner ever. their are situations that may lead to cheating, emotions, lack of attention, too many things to list. But, what you must do is follow ur heart!!!! Know that you did what was right for you and ur family.

Anonymous =]

All I can say is people change.

Not everybody does, but just because you cheated once doesn't mean you'll always be a cheater.

It's sort of like saying, 'Once a baby, always a baby'.

M L

Treat people the way you would like them to treat you! its simple

Magic 8 Ball: The Witch is In

I think it depends on the couple. I know that my husband would see it as an absolute and leave me on the spot. I would probably do the same, but I really wouldn't know until I was in the situation, which I hope I don't ever have to be. Quite frankly, I liken people who cheat on their spouse to be weak and slightly better than the gum on the sole of my shoe. Marriage is very hard, and to cop out before it is over is something I would probably not be able to get over. For me it is more about the lies, deception, and sneakiness that is required to cheat and especially to carry on an affair. My children and I deserve a better person than the one that would do that to our family.

Congratulations on saving your marriage, I am glad that you feel as though you made the right decision.

Brandon M

OK here we go. I had cheated on my wife of 4 years and we have 2 wonderful children. The time I had cheated was during a very very awkward and difficult time of our life's. I told her everything about it and what had drove me to do it. She was mad at me sort of, but she was understanding. I hated the fact that I had done something so stupid and foolish. I still today and always hate that I had done that. I carry that burden with me, but my wife though accepted me. Our marriage has never been stronger and we completely trust one another. I will never cheat ever ever again. By the way that was the only time I had ever cheated in my entire life. I hope my story helps you out in one way or another.

Innocent until PROVEN Guilty

I think the only people that can answer that question with any accuracy is the cheater and the victim. I have known a lot of marriages that survived infidelity , with both the hsband cheating and the wife cheating. I agree the marriages are stronger than ever.

It sounds good to say leave the cheater and move on but, in reality those that have been able to forgive and work through the issues that led up to it have a better chance to survive than anyone could ever guess.

Kim N

You do what is right for you and your situation.

Jazzmin27

You are very mature, you thought about the big picture, not only the cheating. You thought about giving your kids a home with both parents raising them.

Your wife made a mistake and I assume she was sorry for it, she gave you a chance and you gave her a chance.

The love that both of you have is stronger than anybody can possibly imagine on this website. I also hope you have God being part of your life because he helped you and continue helping you when you struggle.

You did the right thing, and I honor your courage and character, family comes first and you show it, and gave a lesson to your kids and to whom ever knows your story.

noeusuperstate

Clearly you did the right thing for you and your children. You were able to address what ever the issues were and put them behind you. I hope your wife really appreciates the man she married. As you can see from the answers you got, forgiving is hard to do and maybe forgetting is impossible.

For some people trust is a very fragile thing, clearly you are much stronger than the average 'Joe' I hope you can use the wisdom gained to help others when they hit a sticky patch perhaps not as serious as the one you went through.
People get divorced for trivial things in many cases.

glazedhoney2004

I myself was in a similar situation, when my husband and I was dating I had problems with him and cheating, I decided to stay with him because I loved him and if I loved him as much as I said I did I had no other choice but to trust him and I am glad I did because we have been married for 5 yrs. now and our marriage is going pretty well.

*â™¥Beauty is painâ™¥*

If staying with her was the best choice for you...then good. You are a strong person for it. But I personally could never stay with someone who betrayed my trust.

melinda

I heard this Phrase before also but I know someone who cheated on his wife and they had 5 children together but he ended up locked up for some years while he was locked up his wife left him for another man who she is still with for 14 years now and then he married someone else who was "Crazy" she cheated on him and now he knows what it felt like to be cheated on he now realize what being honest is about but he's older now and has changed his ways so people can change when bad things happen to them his children are all grown and now they are going through things but he see's but he can't go back and change the past .

I would have to agree with you. Not always a cheater stays a cheater. alot of people cheat realize they made a mistake and go on to never do it again and they actually dont

jesse1319

MyStIcTrE3

has given you the best answer!!! Why keep someone in your life that has violated your trust? What kind of example has she set for your children? There are 6 billion people in this world, surely you could have found somebody who would have been a better role model, wife and mother.

Too many folks on here are trying to justify her actions and that's pretty sad. What's next? are you guys gonna recommend he does a reality show?..remember 6 billion people!!!!

Jennie G

I commend you on saving your marriage and working hard to do so it really varies from relationship to relationship , myself I had a cheating husband and we split up not right away but eventually because after he crossed that line I just could not trust him and he really never gave me any reason to , I went to to all measures to save it but it didnt work . later I realized that for me I prize the fact that once you take vows to be with one person it is something you stick to and even if they dont cheat again you find yourself wondering why they did in the first place. it ended up good because I later married a man who is faithful and respects me but some people cant do it and they are not able its not terrible it just means that they were not meant to be together

Stephanie

The two of you did the right thing by staying together. I respect you for putting yourself through such a difficult endeavor. I do believe people can change if you give them a second chance... but only one. If two people can make it though something of that magnitude, they can make it through anything. Everyone makes mistakes, some may be worse than others but no one is perfect. Maybe she just needed reassurance that you were the person she wants to spend her life with. Sounds like she was successful in figuring that out. Sorry it had to be in the way that it was. Anyhow- congratulations to the two of you for surviving the turmoils that marriage can bring. I wish you the best of luck in your future.

Sandy Ego

I don't think there's any one way to deal with infidelity. To some people it may be a matter of principle - they wouldn't forgive even once - for others, it's a bump on the road to be overcome, like a loss of a job. It depends on the situation. I think the sentiment behind the statement is that there's a good possibility that it might happen again - which there probably is - but the thing is, there's a good possibility for it to happen in any relationship, even with no prior history of infidelity; there's always the first time. If I was looking for a guarantee, the only way to have it is to never be in a relationship at all. It's one's right to refuse to tolerate infidelity even once; I, for example, wouldn't tolerate a beating - not even once. But I don't classify infidelity into the same category of 'not-to-be-forgiven" items as abuse. It's more of an "it-happened-lets-get-over-it, there-are-more-important things-in-the-marriage" item. Not all people feel the same way, however. Good for you for being a bigger man and keeping your priorities straight.

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